It is difficult to be the father. Part II
to Read the first partto
Us already three!
Practically all psychologists who are engaged in studying of the family conflicts and crises agree that one of the most crisis periods in development of a family is the firstborn`s birth. And our family, unfortunately, did not become an exception.
Of course, from the first part of the story it is possible to draw a conclusion that crisis began at us even during my pregnancy. But it were, as they say, florets. So, rehearsal... I remember, in article E. Komarovsky, the devoted pregnancy, I among recommendations to future fathers read the following: “You should not complain that your pregnant wife began to pay you less attention - whether still will be when you really become a father!“ Yes... Really, on everything Sashina of the complaint on the subject of how pregnancy changed me, it was worth answering: “Whether still will be, oh - oh - oh!“
the Crisis in our family caused by the child`s birth coincided with crisis at Sashiny work: replacement of the leadership, the new administration, a constant work involving all hands therefore my husband vanished at work almost round the clock.
... On Saturday Sasha took away us from Olechkaya from maternity hospital. On Sunday morning we three together luxuriated on our wide bed. I shared with Sasha impressions about childbirth, and he admired the newborn daughter when phone call was distributed.
Here the devil is! - it is angry the husband muttered, having hung up. - For work cause.
- Today generally Sunday, - I reminded.
- I am aware...
- And your chief is aware what you took away the child from maternity hospital only yesterday?
- you Understand, the sun, - Sasha sighed. - Except me to do this work there is nobody more. Well nothing, I will try to cope quicker. Especially, in a human resources department promised to give me several days of compensatory holidays concerning the daughter`s birth. So I will sit with you at home, from Olkaya I will nurse, - Sasha tenderly smiled.
Next day the husband came back home from work like thunder.
- Went today to sign the application for compensatory holidays to the chief, - he gloomy reported.
- And that?
- And anything... She told that, in - the first, there is a lot of work now, and in - the second, she does not consider the reason for which I take time off, valid.
- What means, does not consider? - I was indignant.
- That that is... Asked: “What, your wife cannot change to the child pampers?“.
- the Silly woman! - I exploded. - At it what, there are no children?
- Just is. Here she also speaks:“ We here everything gave birth and raised children, and anybody`s husbands did not take time off. Just your wife pushes you around, and you it allow her“.
- My God, - I heaved a deep sigh. - And how you only work in this terarrium?
- I will be late today, - Sasha told me next day, having called from work.
- was Already late, - I venomously noticed, - it is half past ten p.m. And the working day at you, apparently, to six.
- I know...
- And I, so have to till the night one with the child sit, huh?Understand
, - in a voice of the husband metal tinkled. - Until I finish work, I will not go anywhere.knew
Ya that Sasha very responsibly treats the work and to argue it was useless. It was necessary only to heave and hang up a deep sigh.
Sasha returned in the dead of night when we slept with Olechka long ago. Having heard a key gnash in a keyhole, I woke up. Already was going to state to the husband, without mincing words, everything that I think of so late returns home, but, having seen his pale, tired and upset face, silently got out of a bed and went to kitchen to warm a dinner.Sasha in monosyllables answered with
Behind food my questions, a vpolukha listened to the fact that I told about the baby, and looked somewhere aside.
- Yes what is with you? - I did not sustain.
the Husband the sharp movement removed from himself a plate.
- I will leave to hell! - heatedly he cried out.
- From what it suddenly?
- We with arrival of the new administration absolutely for people are not considered. We - as small screws, part of the production car. And now - as ill luck would have it! - I want to come quicker home, to the daughter, and see what turns out?Me it became a pity to
- Calm down, the sun! - I tenderly embraced him. - Everything will be adjusted, here will see!knew
Ya that my husband has a difficult, responsible work at which he often was late earlier and strongly was tired. But never I saw it such suppressed and upset. Later I learned that the situation at the enterprise was during this period such that people left in large quantities. But Sasha could not risk so - I stayed at home with the child, and he was afraid to leave a family without means of support even for the period of search of other place of work - therefore, having gritted teeth, held the place.for
Of course, to the husband it was very hard. Hardly, first of all, from understanding that he practically does not see the daughter and does not take part in her education. Hardly from - for the fact that it was necessary to be broken off literally between the house and work. Of course, Sasha very much needed then my support, but I understood it later. Then, occupied with the efforts and cares which fell upon me with Olechki`s birth, exhausted at the sleepless nights and the exhausting crying of the baby, I did not think of that, as to the husband is unsweetened too, and behaved in relation to him as the egoist. However, then it seemed to me that as the egoist behaves just Sasha.I Remember
when I still was a pregnant woman, my friend asked me: “Sasha so late works - who will help you with the child?“ - “Itself I will cope! - surely I answered. - Otherwise that I for mother?“ > it is easy for p to tell
! In a situation when the baby cried in the days and at the nights, and I could not put for a second it in a bed when Olechka literally “hung“ at me on a breast day and night when during the whole day I unsuccessfully tried to reach kitchen to drink to tea, or to a bathroom to be washed, I quickly understood that without the aid of relatives not to cost me. But the annoying was that I was helped generally by parents, and Sasha - is practically not present. Or rather, he would also be glad, but came from work neither live, nor the dead. Now I understand it, but then...
- Wash, please, diapers, - I addressed Sasha somehow in the evening (we had no washing machine yet). Of course, any will tell that to force the husband to wash diapers after so intense day just cruelly. But, I will repeat again, in a situation when the child cried all the time and for a second did not get down from hands when I was ready to drop from fatigue and a sleep debt, had no to choose.
- Yes, now, - the husband phlegmatically responded, taking seat in a chair.
- the Sun, well please!
- Now, now, pretty... Here I will only take rest a couple of minutes...
Having sighed, I went to stack Olechka. When I returned, Sasha slept in a chair, having thrown back the head and having slightly opened a mouth...
at Night Olechka slept very badly. I fed her, carried on hands, swung in a bed, again fed, again carried, again swung, and so night napolt. At daybreak the type of the husband who is with pleasure snuffling on the pillow began to cause in me rage. Of course, more correct it would be quiet to wake Sasha and to entrust the daughter to his cares, but I with a force nudged him sideways.
- And?. What?... - Sasha perplexed stared at me sleepy eyes.
- You do not hear - your child cries!- Is not present
... I did not hear... I heard nothing... I slept.
- Explain to me how it is possible to sleep when the child cries? The father, is called!
- the Sun, you know, I have very sound sleep. Well, well, give I Olechka I will shake...
of Such trifles collected much, and together with them also my offense collected.
Offended and upset me also the fact that though in words Sasha also was torn to be more often with me and with the daughter, in practice used any pretext “to slip away“ from the house.
- Tomorrow my classmates gather for evening of meetings, - he reported somehow. - Very much called me. It will be inconvenient not to come.
- my classmates too gathered recently, but I did not go because there is nobody was to leave Olya, - I noticed - And now you go, and I have to stay at home. By the way, child not only mine, but also yours too.
- the Sun, I for a while, all right?
Next time. Then someone`s birthday. Then someone from acquaintances asked to repair the computer with which Sasha pottered several days off in a row. Both still, and still...with
But most of all another guarded me: even being at home, Sasha was some gloomy and released. Together with me he walked with the daughter, helped me to bathe her, tried to make something on the house - but all this as if automatically. And at the first opportunity tried to hide to the fascinating world of computer toys and the Internet.
“It seems that our family entered a stage of that crisis which we studied on family conflictology at institute, - I solved, - it is necessary to do something“.
Decided to address for council the skilled girlfriend in “family affairs“ who was married five years and brought up the one-year-old little son.
- Well, it is the general situation, you know, - she stated, - and in our family there were pressures after the child`s birth too. And the first half a year we still somehow kept, but then the full action began! Several straight talks with the husband helped to place points over i. And I advise you to make the same: just sit down together and speak both the alarms and fears. At your Sasha, probably, there is a lot of them, time he tries to stay less often at home and so strange behaves. Just discuss a situation together and decide what to do.
“It is right, - I thought, - of course, it is necessary to talk frankly“.the Reason for conversation did not keep itself waiting for
- Stroke, please, diapers while I feed Olechka, - I asked the husband, - and then together we will go we will take a walk, all right?
- Yes, now, - as always, Sasha phlegmatically responded.went to a bedroom to feed with
Ya the daughter. Having returned, I found the beloved husband with enthusiasm battling against computer monsters.It served
as the last straw which overflowed a bowl of my patience.
- Time in life stayed at home in day off! - I shouted. - Also you sit you have a good time while I am broken off between household chores and the child! You do not see that I already fall from legs! For some reason all this is understood: both my parents and your mother try to help me - everything, except you!
- If I did not want to help you, then not now would not be at home, and went to drink beer with Seregoy, - the husband snapped, without turning the head from the computer. - And I will stroke diapers now, and there is nothing to shout at me.
- Ah, so! - I rose. - Well also bring down to the Serege! The father is called! Does not see the whole week of the child, and for the weekend only and thinks where to run away!
- Yes, I am such! - unexpectedly Sasha exploded. - I am such what I am! You, by the way, saw whom you married!
- You as talk to me? - I was struck dumb: usually the husband extremely seldom raised on me the voice.
- And you? - Sasha raised on me evil, prickly eyes.
- And that I?
- And you as talk to me? When I from you the kind word heard the last time? Earlier you always such tender were, and now constantly shout, swear. Why you became such? - the last words were heard not angrily any more, and is somehow plaintive.
Unexpectedly Sasha fell by a sofa and hid the face in hands.
- I was tired, - he quietly spoke, - I was tired of the fact that we constantly swear at you. I was tired of the fact that at work we as if small screws in the production car: will break - will replace with new. I was tired of the fact that practically I do not see you. I was tired of the fact that the daughter without me grows! - on the last words the voice of the husband was strained, and he began to cry.felt
Ya how my eyes are poured by tears too and to a throat the lump rises. Sowing near Sasha on a sofa, I nestled on it. Some time we silently cried, having embraced.
- the Sun! - I could utter at last weepingly. - Please, forgive me!
- And you me too.
- Yes that I? I forgave you long ago.
- And I you too...Sasha any more told nothing
to me, but also those several words which he pronounced “in a fuse“ set me thinking seriously.Me it seemed to
that in five years which we met, and that over a year that we lived together I well studied the Sasha. It turned out that is not present. I did not know that in stressful situations my husband can become isolated and retire into oneself. And that since the birth of Olechki it constantly was in a condition of a severe stress doubts could not be. Intense situation at work, not less intense situation of the house, impossibility to relax and have a rest after day of work, a sleep debt (all - sleepless nights concerned also it), continuous quarrels with me... Uncertainty in itself as in the good father was still added to it.
Of course very few people from young daddies can brag of ability dexterously to treat the newborn baby. Sasha would also be glad to help me with the daughter, but did not know from what party to approach it in literal sense of this word (first even on hands was afraid of it to take once again). And crying of the child unsettled the husband at all (“Why she cries? Why she does not calm down at me on hands? What I not so do?“ ). To me to have patience and to tell, show, teach the husband to look after quietly the baby. But then I on it had neither forces, nor time, and Sashina “stupidity“ angered me and was the cause for quarrels and offenses.
Of course, another on its place would declare tantrums long ago, anger and aggression (as, actually, I arrived in relation to the husband), another in a similar situation would answer all my arrivals so that it would not seem a little. But Sasha was silent, suppressed everything in himself and just tried to leave from a burdensome situation: whether under some pretext from the house, whether to the world of computer hobbies, whether just mentally to be disconnected. Therefore, even when it was at home, it as if was not near us.
After this conversation we became (not at once, of course, and gradually) to get out of the crisis situation which developed in our family. With it, of course, we were very much helped by Olechka who became much quieter over time, and at me, at last, “were given a free hand“. Somewhere by three Oliny months I learned to cope both with the child, and with a household quite independently, and at the same time did not take offense at all at the husband who was still late at work late.- it is heavy
, you, probably! - my parents were distressed. - Sasha so late works, and you are the whole day one with the child. When we had small children, all of us did together, and you all: you walk with the child herself, you bathe itself, you put bed!
- And how many people, in your opinion, have to put the child to bed? All family in turn?
It is valid, I did not feel the slightest discomfort from - for the fact that in the evenings I one walked with Olya, and then itself bathed her and, having put to bed, patiently waited for the husband from work. By the way, the interval of time when the daughter already slept, and Sasha did not come from work yet, soon became my most favourite as I completely could devote this time to myself: could watch TV, esteem, teach English or continue entries in the diary.it became easier than
in process of Olechki`s growing for me. Of course, I cannot tell that I was not tired and I am not tired - all - the child is the child. But never felt a squeezed orange - most likely from - for the fact that communication with the daughter gives me incomparable pleasure.
Soon I, as well as at the very beginning of our family life, began to make the husband coffee in the mornings, and for dinner to prepare its favourite dishes. And over time I became pozvolyat to do to Sasha small indulgences.
- You want to work the affairs? - I asked, seeing that the husband not in forces to come off the monitor screen. - Well, we descend from Olechkaya so far we will take a walk, well?
- That you that you! - Sasha immediately jumped. - I will go with you!
- Yes you do not worry, we nearby and for a while. We will come soon.
As the situation at work continued to remain intense with the husband, I came to a conclusion that Sasha everything is fine needs rest. Therefore I solved in one of days off (as a rule, on Saturday) if nothing important was expected and urgent to arrange to the husband a relax. In such cases I began to give it an opportunity to have a sleep longer, taking away the woken-up Olechka to other room, and then left to walk with the daughter, allocating to Sasha thus personal time. He could sleep, read or watch TV, sit in front of the favourite computer - generally, “to unburden the heart“. And is closer to Saturday evening the slept and well rested husband willingly joined in house efforts and fuss with the daughter - generally, started over again “working as the good husband and the father“.Can object
, of course, that the husband has to take more active part in life of a family and in education of the child. But similar “indulgences“ I did absolutely consciously, so to speak, for prevention “nostalgia on barchelor life“. As a result the husband began to take much bigger part in life of a family and in education of the child, and to do it sincerely and with pleasure, but not “from - under sticks“.Can object
that the woman who is staying at home with the child is tired not less therefore the husband equally well can undertake cares of the child in the day off, giving to the wife an opportunity to longer have a sleep and go about the own business. But unless a task of spouses to find out, the heavier: to the wife from the house the child or to the husband at office? In my opinion, for creation of a happy family it is just necessary to support each other as far as possible. Why to find out, for whom it is easier, and to whom it is heavier when the husband with the wife are in one team? Especially, I precisely know that when it is difficult for me, my husband will always support me.
... Saturday evening, all of us three together walk in city park. Sasha with a proud look carries Olechka on the neck. Here we with affection observe how the baby ridiculously hobbles, doing the first shy short steps, from me to Sasha, and from the Sachet to me. Here we take the daughter for handles and we arrange her a favourite attraction “Departed, departed“, lifting her over the earth. The baby peeps from delight and roars with happy laughter.
A in the evening we, having put Olechka to bed, we sit in an embrace near its bed.
- Here and year passed, - Sasha sighs. - Our dochechka grew...
- Tell, - I ask, - as you consider now: it is difficult to be the father?- it is hard for
, - the husband smiles. - But all - as is healthy!