The father can!
the Long-awaited kid was born. Euphoria reigns in the house. Also there is nobody more happily than mother and the father. But there passes week - another, and suddenly it becomes clear that not so - that it is simple - to raise the kid. From infinite cares the head goes around. Most of all, of course, cares at mother... And she, certainly, hopes that the part of them will be undertaken by the beloved, the father of the kid. And it takes. But - not always and not so willingly as it would be desirable. Often it becomes a reason for quarrels and offenses in a young family. So to do that also to keep good relations, and the father did not stand aside?
Before taking offense and making a claim, it is good to understand: and why so occurs? Linking lives, lovers were going to divide everything for two...
Homework and care of children traditionally are considered as a women stuff. And how many women spoke about equality, such installation strong was proved in minds of many men since the childhood and is not going to disappear anywhere. In the childhood they saw how duties in their native family were unevenly distributed, and is free - involuntarily transferred such scheme on own. If the man is sure that his main mission - work, and women - a household and education of children, then your female claims for it no more than whims.Working with
in a feminine way it is tactful and patient, you will be able “to recustomize“ the young father. Not it is guilty, and its installations. Your kind spirit will work quicker and more effectively, than hundreds of reproaches. That something changed in the person, he has to want it. Your task - to awaken this desire.
Shift focus. Let know to the beloved that you perfectly understand him: both as it is busy and as is tired and as does for you with the kid much. But explain that his communication with the kid is NECESSARY not for you, but it and the child. Also tell about how it is important that at the most early age the little person became attached to the adult. Then he will always love, to appreciate and respect the father. And to consider it very best: the cleverest, best, most authoritative person. And when will grow up, will trust it, so, to forgive failures, misunderstanding and mistakes (and who does not make them?) . The trust increases only from attachment. And from trust - mutual understanding.
the First the philosopher and the psychologist Conrad Lorentz paid attention to a phenomenon of attachment. It took on education of the wild gooses who were left without parents. Having hatched from egg, gooses the first saw Lorenz and since then where it went, a chain followed it as attached, ignoring all the goose relatives. It appears, gooses instinctively “pressed“ an image of the scientist in the memory, and it, but not a goose, became the most important for them. This phenomenon called “imprinting“ (imprinting). Also the image of the one who looks after the baby and satisfies his requirements “is instinctively pressed“ in children`s memory too. At the child instinctive imprinting happens, however, not in one minute, but such critical “impritingovy“ period is available for children too: from 0 to 18 months. The child becomes attached to those who satisfy his important vital needs, so, the father who cares for the baby cares for all further relationship.
Replace a circle of contacts
Try to be on friendly terms and meet those married couples where men normally treat household chores, do not consider them as a burdensome burden and willingly are engaged with children. The good example is infectious. In Sweden, for example, fathers take a child care leave too. Year sits mother, year the father. The Swedish fathers do not want problems of “fathers and children“ who they had with parents.
my sacred debt
Incorrect installations happen not only at men. The woman can be eager for the help and support, and at heart to consider that homework and care of the kid are only its duty. And then everything is easier to do to it most, than at first to ask the husband, to wash the dishes, and then when he washes up, to feel guilty for “humiliation“ its man`s “I“. Your own spirit is important: if at heart you are sure that the man should not be engaged with the child, he also is not engaged.
of the Woman, “impregnated“ with such installation, hesitate to ask husbands about the help. To reproach, make a noise - can, and honestly talk and distribute family duties cannot. At first young fathers try to hold hands on family pulse, show an initiative. But you hurry - to be in time all all... the father gets used and does not understand what from him wait for. And how to understand, you plainly tell nothing? Eventually will come to a conclusion, as so all are normal, and your dissatisfied look will explain to itself with whimsical character. And it is possible, and will tell: “I am pushed aside“, “To me is not present in the house of the place“, “I do not know what to do!“
Of course, it is more convenient not to do, and very quickly this sincere misunderstanding turns into an excuse to lie down after work on a sofa... And, eventually, there comes time when simply does not come to its mind to undertake homework, to be engaged with the child - not for fifteen minutes, and really.
For a start listen to yourself: whether you belong to the category of the women who are voluntarily charging themselves all house freight, and the husband leaving man`s affairs (to hammer a nail, to move a locker)? If “yes“ - begin with yourself. Otherwise at you it will not turn out to involve the man in family affairs and full occupations with the child. And frankly distribute family duties. Difficult? But from a trap which you placed to yourself, only two exits: to reconcile to a family inequality or to change the installation.Begin
with yourself:dare to be responsible
- not for everything that occurs in your house;
- shift part of responsibility to the husband (for example, evening walk with the child);
- you do not hurry to make what each man is able to make (especially yours); to give a breakfast on a table or to jump at night and to rock to sleep the baby: the father is quite capable to make it independently;
- agree when you it is necessary to change, allow to you to have a rest (you can even hang out the plate during lawful rest “Half an hour me not to touch!“ ); learn to ask
- - and at the same time not to feel guilty.
what for us is simple and clear, for men secret behind seven seals. And hesitating to confess to the misunderstanding or inability, the beloved withdraws from various household chores. Remember the feelings when you for the first time had to swaddle the kid. You were rather afraid too. Then - got used and learned. And your young father. Time is necessary to it too to get used. In - the first, to the new status. To understand that life changed that something needs to renounce for the sake of the child and the general (family!) happiness. In - the second, he should learn that he is not able and never did. And it is not only about care of the kid, but also all homework in general - from a dust wipe before holding a tea ceremony.Train
and you praise. Without notations and reproaches show as as it is necessary to do. How to carry the kid and to hold a small bottle... It seems to any mother that it is better than her nobody will make, and it cannot refrain from manuals and edifications. If you from their number - and tell honestly:“ Sorry, that I interfere, it because... - also try to constrain the instinctive rushes! The father loves the kid and really tries to care for him as it is possible better. And not his fault that not always turns out ideally. Usually we do remarks and we reproach the person, and here we praise for progress very seldom. Do exactly the opposite. Reproaches discourage, the praise inspires! It is excellent incentive to help you.you Tell
specifically. “You do nothing!“ and “You do not walk with the child!“ You feel a difference of two phrases? The first - naked reproach, the second - also the hint. If the man does not know what to do specifically, he also will not do - and there is nothing to take offense at him. “You have to help...“ - abstract phrase. Tell specifically: make, please, so and so, and I will be engaged in so and so so far...
Lift the status. you Praise, note the help, excellent work and care of the kid at relatives, friends (and even at strangers).
Distribute duties. And both “good“, and “bad“ (i.e. boring and uninteresting). Let and the man will have affairs for which he is responsible. Men are responsible people, and irresponsibility appears when he hopes: as - nibud without it will manage, will get out. Put in such conditions when he knows: will not do without it! It is necessary to bathe the kid in the evening... and the father sat up at friends, forgot - the kid did not swim for a while in a tray, and it is so necessary for him, it is so useful! Let the father will have constant duties which are carried out without your pointer and a reminder. For example, children`s products which always have to be in the refrigerator. Here it is important that the man knew well: it is mine and if not I - that who? Also do not catch to do without it.fathers all can do
! Check - and be convinced.