What`s the odds?
Before appearance of the second child a family - the debugged mechanism. There comes new pregnancy - and the system begins to be reconstructed. And in that, how exactly it will work, not the last role is played by an age difference between children. What it has to be? The answer is influenced by the mass of subjective factors: work of parents, prosperity, promises or refusal of the family to help, existence or lack of a living space, instability in the world...
the Annual reporting
We with Alevtina of a weather. I am one year more senior also three months and as she was born, certainly, I do not remember. But how many myself I remember, us always was two and to us it was awfully cheerful. We turned hooligan tricks on couple and never at each other peached. However, fought from - for toys, and at school I envied little girls who should not share with anybody one and only brought from - for borders a Barbie doll. And there was not always enough mother`s attention: slightly that, all ran to the sister. I studied everything as a class is more senior and did not understand when spoke to me: “Concede to Alya, she is younger“. And when I tried to bring up it, she answered me: “You are one year more senior than everything, do not philosophize!“ So if to choose, I would prefer to be on its place: younger. Whether we are on friendly terms now? Of course, we are on friendly terms. We were brought up equally, we have similar views on life, and we understand each other and we support“.
Arina, 29 years
Alexey Smirnov, the psychologist
“Children endure emergence younger depending on the emotional maturity. The one-year-old child needs the special symbiotic relations with mother: it has to be provided to the baby all. If one more kid, with a difference of all in a year with the senior is born, then mother will not be able to belong entirely neither senior, nor younger. The senior child during appearance of the kid can endure a severe stress because mother “was gone“ (went to maternity hospital for several days). The one-year-old peanut is very thinly ready for the emotional atmosphere in a family. Externally the stress can be expressed through somatic diseases: temperature increase, colds. The kid feels absence of mother not only when she in maternity hospital, but also when she comes back home with the kid. Emotionally it switches to the baby. When you ask what happened to the senior child during this period, many mothers say that they do not remember. For the kid such psychological “emptiness“ can be expressed later in difficulties of establishment of the long relations: he will endure fear of accident in private life, to be afraid of the fact that all communications which it builds will fail. Even it is important to one-year-old kid to explain what occurs in a family.
the Difference in one year often is regressive for development of the senior. If children grew one by one, then parents should be engaged more with them, to tell something, to explain. But stair-steppers often occupy each other, spend together much time and are as if equalized aged. And in the smaller party.
On jealousy should pay special attention: to shop to both at the same time, to learn to share with each other. Everyone has to have personal things and toys. Parents should act as fair judges in inevitable rivalry, to stop fights, to help to be reconciled and apologize. To learn to replace fights with fight of tell-tales, for example“.
“At us is with elder sister a difference in six years. She chose to me a name when I was born. She to me was actually the second mother, always cared: took away from a garden, fed with a lunch, brought pies from school. I went behind it a tail, and she was angry with the fact that is forced to take me with itself on a visit to girlfriends. It is not really good when the sister plays a role of the tutor. She could complain to mother that I put on mother`s shoes in school, once - already at more advanced age - did not talk to me the whole month for the fact that on vacation I made to myself without demand manicure. We were never frank, were not girlfriends. I knew that it “will surely put“ me to parents. We were as if on the different parties of barricades. Only having given birth to own children, became closer. If there would be an opportunity to choose, I would like to have with the sister a smaller age difference because mothers I had two - obvious search, and here I lacked the girlfriend in the person of the sister in the childhood“.
Larisa, 39 years
Alexey Smirnov, the psychologist
“Only by three years in the child becomes stronger feeling of autonomy and there is a desire to investigate the world, already having distinct feeling of safety and security which was approved in it by mother. Not incidentally approximately at this time it is accepted to send the child to kindergarten. And in some ancient tribes of the woman to 3 - summer age of children lived separately from men that there did not come new pregnancy. That to jealousy between children, it is shown at any age and at any difference advanced in years. It can be expressed directly, in words, when the senior speaks about the kid: it is ugly, carry it back, we will better buy a dog. Or in direct aggression: beat, push. Mother forbids, the form changes: the kid begins to be squeezed excessively in embraces and to drop accidentally. It is important to know that the jealousy is always present and to explain to the child: it is possible to feel everything, but to show actions - not all. It is good when parents are ready to listen to the child, without condemning. It has an opportunity to tell how for it it is offensive. And if parents treat with understanding to its problem, then the conflicts will manage to be avoided.
Often senior children with enthusiasm undertake education of younger. Parents usually encourage it, if the child participates in process, so younger “accepted in pack“. But if education begins to remind suppression of the personality, it is necessary to interfere.
When one more child in a family appears, often all thoughts concentrate how to protect small from big. Also the important point is missed: the senior should be protected from younger too. “It takes my toys!“ - a classical cry from the nursery. Each child has to have a personal space and personal belongings. The senior should not feel that he younger forces out him from the territory. Happens that to the firstborn forbid to give delivery to the brother or the sister, condemn and abuse for unwillingness to share toys. It is meanwhile very important to grant to the senior the right to dispose of the property, he has to be sated with this feeling. And when he knows that it “mine“ in safety, then it can begin to share“.Should not count
Connection between generations
the Sister is younger than me for 10 years. When she was born, I studied in 3 - m a class. The father with a carriage met me near school, and schoolmates were teased that it is my daughter. Parents agreed in advance that the father brings up the son, and mother - the daughter. We fought with the sister all childhood. Sometimes parents left us one, and I had to watch the sister. And she eternally at the wrong time woke up, and with a roar, and prevented me to do homework. Parents tried to balance us in the rights and duties. Gifts were always given both of us: on my birthday and it too, on it - and me. For both parents established the law to wash the dishes, hung up the schedule, but I thought up economic cunning: paid the sister 10 kopeks for the fact that she agreed to work for me. We even made the written contract. Parents tried to make friends us: we went all together to campaigns and issued house wall newspapers. They are still stored houses, with very ridiculous photos and verses. In kindergarten the sister was given red caviar sandwiches, and it brought them to me. And I made laugh with its poem Mayakovsky “A cloud in trousers“. Now we very much are on friendly terms. But the wife says that I suffer from “a complex of the elder brother“: I consider myself responsible for everything and all around“.
of Maxims, 36 years
Alexey Smirnov, the psychologist
“If to the senior child is ten or twelve years, apparently, what there can be problems? He is quite independent, can eat, itself to play, to serve itself. But it is necessary to the teenager attention! If at the child skill was not created to talk to parents about the most painful, heaviest experiences, then these feelings begin to be expressed at it not in words, and in actions. Sharply the behavior of the child changes: he begins to study badly, to clash, makes some dangerous actions. Often there are psychosomatic symptoms: headaches or pains in a stomach. All this forces parents to pay attention to the senior, to find for it more time. The child is abused for bad behavior? And he also makes offenses from extramental requirement to attract attention. And he receives this attention, though with a minus sign, but it is more important for it, than indifference of parents. The child feels what exists, he is noticed, he is important for a family, worry about him and worry. Extremely bad behavior of children forces parents to address psychologists, and often it is investigated that it is all about jealousy. Usually it very much frightens parents, they are not ready to accept the fact that the jealousy between their children exists, and in every possible way deny it. But it is how there was a wish to think on the contrary. And here too it is necessary to learn to divide the attention and time for two. And at all not to deprive the senior“.