Without losing sense of proportion... how to help children about the house?
the child`s Birth - at the same time both a joyful event, and test for family life. And here the help of parents can be very important help to a young family. It is possible to help differently - financially, psychologically and physically. The help with the house is pertinent always, every day it is harder and harder for pregnant woman to be engaged in a household. Of course, presently everything is much simpler, than earlier: nobody erases manually, products can be bought in the Internet - shops etc. But, without watching it, put houses always much, and especially now. And it is good if the pregnant woman perfectly feels also efforts by her not in burden at all, but so happens seldom. Legs and a waist hurt, pulls in a stomach, feels sick, all the time there are a wish to sleep - what model housekeeping here! Here - that is also useful the help of parents...
What can be made?
the Most important what it is necessary to remember, is that, getting to other family, it is necessary to respect its borders and rules.
Any invasion, even with the most good intentions, can be perceived as aggression. Most often it not conscious, and it is rather, intuitive feeling; without knowing about it, you can be extremely surprised or offended by the fact that your participation in life of children or the offer of the help can cause irritation or sharp refusal.
Now when your children pass the crisis period, their feelings are especially aggravated and strained. The desire to protect the family becomes especially strong, as causes often such sharp and seeming inadequate reaction. So happens not always, but, knowing about it, you can be careful, careful and with understanding and respect to treat the events.Same
treats also family rules. In each family there are rules: how to have a rest, how to be in charge of housekeeping, who buys, who prepares, who and as spends money, as family roles and functions are distributed that is good and what is bad. These rules are very important for preservation and prosperity of a family, and usually they are jealously protected and protected. Therefore now it is a high time to remember the known saying:“ Do not climb to others monastery with the charter“ - and to work, proceeding from it.Tan and Lesh`s
, having learned that expect a baby, decided to celebrate this event and were away on vacation. So far they were not. Tannins parents made by it “surprise“: rearranged furniture in their bedroom, bought a crib, in a new way spread out things to make room for future child. Tanya accepted it quietly, and her husband flew into a rage. In his family there were absolutely other rules: he got used that without the permission nobody could even enter its room, and especially as - to shift that or to rearrange. He did not begin to state the indignation to the father-in-law with the mother-in-law, chilly thanked them and left and when they with Tanya remained alone, gave vent to rage. All his emotions poured out on the wife who at first very much was surprised, and took offense then that he abuses her mother and the father for care and desire to make “as it is better“. Parents were offended by Lesha`s reaction too: they waited for pleasure and gratitude, but not dry “thanks“. They were discharged of the son-in-law, continuing to help actively and at discretion daughters, than caused new quarrels in a young family. So proceeded until Lesh could not explain nevertheless to the wife why her parents are not right. Tanya felt that their marriage “reeled“ under the influence of continuous quarrels. She found forces “to put parents into place“, to limit their activity and to accustom to respect borders and rules of the family.
Tannins parents managed to stop in time, and the conflict did not come so far to become the reason of a rupture of the relations of Tanya and Lesha or their family and its parents. But, unfortunately, not always everything comes to an end also well.
What rules should follow not to get into the same situation and not to become involuntarily a source of contentions and offenses?
First of all should create for itself an accurate position:“ They have the family, the rules and laws. Now they have a difficult period, and they can be very nervous. I respect their borders, the rights and a state and I will make thrifty use of them. I will be careful that, wishing well not to do harm“.
Second is a clarification of requirements and desires of your children. It is necessary to learn what they want and in what the help is necessary. You should not do about what do not ask and to take offense if children refuse your help. For example, if you go for them to shop, it is better to find out what products they usually buy and to try to buy same. If you consider that clear-out is necessary for them and are ready to undertake it or to make together with them, learn, what do they think of your idea and whether are ready to be engaged in it now. If you see that the direct offer of the help irritates them, it is possible to make it a sideway. For example: “I go to shop, maybe, to take something and for you?“ Or:“ I baked many pancakes, I want you to treat too“.
Third that needs to be made, - to find the correct balance between by own efforts, desire to help and needs of your children. As, as a rule, the main part of house functions lies on the woman and her state sharply changes during pregnancy, the main help with the house is intended to it. It should be taken into account her specific features that the help was accepted and became useful and effective and future mother could, despite all household chores, properly bear the child and get ready for childbirth.
When Ira expected the second baby, it had a keen desire “to twist a nest“.
She was engaged in it selflessly, and for it it was for some reason especially important to do it alone. It with pleasure shifted part of cares of the eldest son to mother, but to “twisting of a nest“ admitted nobody. For mother was to accept quite enough about what she was asked and not to encroach on bigger, and it helped them to remain with good relations.
Ira shifted to mother only part of the cares. But there are daughters who or readily give everything, or do not want to share anything at all. Anyway, you should not follow their tastes - it is necessary to proportion their desires to your opportunities and idea of rationality. For example, the pregnant woman to anything absolutely to lose physical activity, otherwise muscles will atrophy, it will be difficult for it to give birth and look after the kid. But also to overload itself, risking health of future child, too it is unreasonable. To you it is not necessary and “to be disconnected“ absolutely from the senior children - they have a difficult and disturbing period now, it is important to them to know and feel that, despite the birth of one more child, mother continues them to love and care for them still. That is you should not undertake completely at all any role which members of a young family are obliged to play even if to you it is imposed.do not forget
also about yourself. Your forces are not boundless, and you should not overload yourself so that then to fall down and completely to drop out of “process“, having deprived the daughter or the daughter-in-law of support and a support. If windows asked to wash you, and the sore back haunts, it is better to refuse and offer nevertheless the services in what suits you more. For example, to buy products, to make a lunch and to feed those who windows will wash UTI.
Fourth of what it is worth thinking, - of that your help was as it is called by psychologists, “the blank message“. That is it should have no “the second bottom“ in the form of attempt of manipulation or seizure of power under a pretext “I mean well“.Colin`s
mother grew up the son one, always paid to it much attention and took offense that, having married, he began to spend less time with it. She was jealous him of the daughter-in-law and readily seized the opportunity in something to take its place. The daughter-in-law badly felt, lay much and the part of pregnancy carried out in hospital. Under the pretext of the help mother used this time that “to return the son“ to herself. She moved to live to young people and began to spread the orders in the house, constantly emphasizing the importance and merits and belittling the daughter-in-law, spent more and more time with the son and tried to alienate as much as possible him from the wife. Business came to an end in the fact that at the daughter-in-law the patience burst. After the child`s birth she forbade the house to the mother-in-law under the pretext of the fact that “the kid needs absolute rest and total absence of infections“. For the son his family and remained on the first place. To it was to see mother of times quite enough a month, and, despite all complaints, he did not get up on her party, understanding that it is guilty of the conflict.
It is known that “secret always becomes obvious“. If your help has the second bottom - it will not be accepted. Therefore it is better to stop and think: “Why I cannot just help the children? For what I take offense or become angry about them? Who is guilty of it? What can be changed?“ These questions are not casual because, as a rule, secret messages are caused by rage or offense. These feelings are not always realized, but always influence acts. Also it is worth trying to understand whether your children are guilty of what you become angry about, or you try to solve some own problems at their expense as it was done Colin by mother, trying to brighten up loneliness and destroying the son`s family.
of Missile defense future father
All aforesaid in a varying degree concerns also to future father. It has many new cares now. And he too very much is nervous. Also can treat borders of the family and observance of rules very jealously. It is especially important for it that all understood, “who in the house the owner“, and did not encroach on this role. He can strongly be jealous the young wife of her parents, even without giving himself in it the report. And it is unpleasant to it to see that parents take its place of a support and the defender. Or he feels very lonely, seeing as all turn around his wife and future child, having absolutely forgotten about it. It is much more difficult for man to admit difficulties or to show the feelings, and it is important to understand it. Talk to it if you see that it needs it. Offer it the help, learn in what you can be useful to it and what affairs you can make together or for it. For example: “We with the father want to help you to make repair. What do you think of it?“ .
For those who live in one apartment
When parents live separately from children, borders of families are expressed more obviously. But, if you live together, they can be more indistinct and hard to distinguish. In something to you it is simpler, and in something it is much more difficult. And you need to outline nevertheless gradually borders more accurately. For example, once accurately your duties divides - who what is responsible for. You do not enter without the permission on “territory“ of children and do not interfere with their conflicts even if they call you for it. For your children and grandsons it is important to feel the roles that it did not turn out so that the grandson will consider you as the father or mother, and parents - someone like the brother and the sister. That your son first of all shared the problems with the wife, and she is with him. That they got used to rely at each other, but not on us. Otherwise they will never become the independent and durable rule, and as soon as your prop disappears, their marriage will just collapse. In other words - help our children to become adults in time, now for this purpose - it is a high time.