First crisis: a constructive approach of
Ya did not understand what has to be crisis - two or three years. Our period of whims, negativism, a padaniye on a floor in protest, noisy meetings in protection of the children`s rights and freedoms and other signs of a growing, began a month before the second anniversary and proceeds still (the son is 2,5 years old). I understood that to wait it it will not turn out and it is necessary to learn to live with monstriky into whom my benevolent and quiet child regularly turns.I began to study
I. It was necessary to read and think, develop much the imagination and speed of reaction, and in incredible quantities to stock up with endurance and patience. And now even more often I manage to intercept management of my uncontrollable child. And the fact that I learned to receive desirable result without threats and slaps, bribery and permissiveness (oh - oh is even more important not always of course...) .
For last half a year my parental experience extended in the new ways of communication with the “crisis“ child which I want to share. Only I am not a psychologist and not the teacher, and just mother therefore clever explanations by the ways I will give a little, but I will surely give examples from our life. From where all these small and big cunnings undertook - to me it is hard to say. Something got stuck in memory from the read books, something is thought out at a leisure, and some words are born at the right time and as though, without my participation. And, of course, not only words are important, but also how you say them (quietly, with enthusiasm) and when (the child writhing in hysterics does not hear reasonable arguments any more).
Imagine the beginning children`s hysterics, the angry mother who on each word is more and more raising the voice, and the hung threat of quarrel, the broken walk, the subsequent sense of guilt. And suddenly the imagination gives rise or memory prompts to magic words . Also the thunder-storm dissipates. And the son forgets about tears and cheerfully runs to satisfy a mother`s request. And mother smiles, kisses the son and breathes sigh of relief. Fairy tale? Can be yes, or perhaps and is not present. I will report the magic words - and you check their force in practice.
Alternative. If I want to feed the child, I never ask: “You will eat?“ I ask a question so: “You will eat porridge or cottage cheese?“ - and the small nekhochukha will not be able to answer “no“, and from the choice, most likely, will not refuse. So correctly ask questions:
“You will put on a blue cap or yellow?“
“When we will come home after walk, in cubes we will play or read?““Soup to pour
in a red or blue plate?“by
it is Still important to support a possibility of such choice always. For example, we two nurseries have toothpastes so it is always possible to ask: “You will brush teeth old paste or new?“
Obvious and hidden ultimatum. Many of the methods listed further are soft forms of ultimatums. But sometimes (probably, the more rare, the better) it is possible to set also more severe condition. “We will mold only after you collect the designer“. And somehow to soften and help: “You want, I will take a box that it was more convenient to you to throw details?“it is possible
, it is better when you do not put the ultimatum, and just you report that the decision of the child will cause unpleasant consequences. “Well, you can not eat soup, but then I will not be able to give a dessert to you“. (Instead of: “You will not receive a dessert, do not eat soup yet!“ )
at the very beginning of the disobedience period blackmail seemed to me in the only effective way allowing to achieve the necessary behavior of the son. And blackmail helped, but if it and magic - that some angry... Generally, if there is no wish to invent, strain anything the imagination, to prepare in the evenings surprises and in general to make excessive efforts - it is possible to blackmail the child, but in one or two years he will answer the same...
Cunning. it is good if in time arguments, rather weighty are thought up in order that the kid arrived as it is necessary for parents. Only cunning has to be such that having solved it, the child did not feel deceived or offended.“ You do not want to bathe? All right, do not bathe, only get into a bathroom and wash up a bucket and a duckling, and that they are too dirty. They are such dirty that it is necessary even to add foam to water, and that will not be washed“.to Do
as all. I do not like to refer to others and to hold up as an example the neighbour`s boy, but here an introduction “All children cleaned teeth for a long time, laid down in the beds and fell asleep, only Mitya does not sleep!“ the son very much loves and asks to repeat every evening time on ten. Probably, she helps it to reconcile to need to go to bed.
Care of others. it is clear that the child in two - does not think three years of others. But if to tell it how what it does for another as that, another, will rejoice - and all thanks to it is important, then, perhaps, he will refuse the claims or will cease to cry (not to rustle and not to wake the tired father).
the Son demands chocolate or cake over the piece allocated to it: “You already ate, it is a father`s piece, the father will come, will be delighted and will ask: “Who to me such tasty chocolate left it?“, and we will tell: “It is Mitya!“
(Oh what I got it on the nose from the son when I broke off to myself a piece of a “father`s“ chocolate).
the Important issue for which it is necessary to postpone crying.“Wait for
so far to cry, we still need to make urgently a dinner“.“Give
you you will cry later, and that the sun will sit down soon and if you cry, we will not manage to take a walk“.
Conscious crying. If the son cries with an outstanding whim or in a protest to a ban, I speak:“ Cry, please, more quietly and a deep voice, and that peep the head begins to hurt me“. The son cries a little more, but it already and not crying turns out, and vocal exercises.
the Passed whim. the Unnoticed, not fed with foreign attention bad mood can also by itself pass. But you remember that it is easy to be mistaken and show indifference where the care and participation are necessary. It is possible to help the child “to jump“ through a whim.
does not want to eat porridge: “And what animated cartoon we will watch during food?“
does not want to go for a walk: “And how you think, leaflets on our birch appeared already? Let`s go, we will look?“
we Look for a compromise. the good method if the child adequately behaves. So until counteraction led to a hysterics, we look for compromises.
“On pools cannot walk in boots, but if you want, we will come back home, you will put on gumboots and we will go for a walk on pools“.
“Well, you can not eat up soup, but catch and eat all potato, broccoli and carrot“.“Is not present
, we will not buy chocolate, but I can buy a big package of nutlets“.
Happens, the hysterics already is well under way, and abuse yourself that did not buy it this ill-fated chocolate. Also it is ready to go and buy, but it is terrible to lose prestige. The compromise in such cases is irreplaceable, it will help to hide defeat. It looks so:“ You want that I bought you a chocolate? (Here it is necessary to receive the distinct, intelligible answer. The child shipped in mourning of the unfortunate share and not capable to such answer simply will not hear your offer). Well, we will return to shop now and we will buy a chocolate, then we will quickly run home, we will have dinner, and then you will be able to eat it“.
of the Hysteric can renew in shop. Again rescues a compromise - I allow to bear chocolate. Will not help - I allow to taste a slice, whether tasty it. Of course, it is already capitulation, but though not unconditional.
To any vital problem needs to look for the creative decision. And the creative relation to education of the child is useful doubly: to both mother, and child. Here only when also household chores lean, and the work taken on the house is not performed, and the child constantly requires attention, the imagination vanishes somewhere. Therefore I try to think out non-standard decisions in advance, on inspiration, and at the right time I use preparations (if I remember them...) .
Special way. In my opinion, one of the best ways which will present not just tranquility, and the real holiday. If only it was succeeded to think up something brand new!
When the son does not want to put on, and it is necessary to dress it (it is chilled or after bathing) I offer it the clothes.
If the son does not want to have supper, I offer it “a dinner by candlelight“ (I turn off a ceiling light, I put a big candle on a table). Still it is possible to eat sometimes not in kitchen, and in the room on a tray - the rare child will not agree. It is possible to suggest to eat with the Chinese sticks or to cook food in the form of a canape.
To bed (especially in the afternoon) it is possible to put the child in a children`s lodge or in the summer on a balcony, in a sleeping bag.
Home from walk cannot go, and to jump.
Creative view of problems. the Son was afraid to wash the head from - for hits in water eyes. Bought to it glasses for the pool, and now it, having put on glasses, with pleasure washes the head. The child who is afraid of darkness can present a small lamp.
Continuous game. In a game form can be done anything. For example to turn clothing into hide-and-seek of the head, hands and legs. I go - to transportation by a spoon - car of freights. Bathing - in washing of the child - the ship.
Important assignment. If not to bathe - and to wash a bathtub, not to eat - and to release a plate necessary to mother, not to walk, and to go to the street after flowers for a new vase - who will object and be capricious, having received a responsible task?
of the Fairy tale. more than a year I compose the fairy tales correcting behavior of the son.“ The fairy tale about the hare who did not like to brush teeth that happened to the hare who did not like to wash “, “ about a duckling who did everything very slowly as the titmouse helped the hare to get rid of addictions “, “ about a good pig who did not want to go to bed“.
I do not doubt the talent of the storyteller, I just describe the situation which happened to my son, I replace only all participants of incident with forest inhabitants. Once the son guessed that it is similar to him, but even it did not prevent to discuss mistakes of the hare (a duckling, a squirrel). And if the problem of behavior arises again, it is only enough to tell: “And you remember that you happened to the hare when he...“
Respect for the personality
Thinking out any cunnings, I try to remember that in several years the son will answer me with the same. Therefore now I seek to behave so that not to be afraid of the future.
Explanation of bans. Children do not love bans, especially if the ban reason for them is unclear. Therefore if I forbade something, and the son continues to insist on the, and raises the voice and is already ready to begin to cry, I try in detail, a quiet voice to explain why it is impossible when it is possible and what consequences will be if a ban to break.
“Both mother, and father, and Mitya too: everything, everything, all“ - is so told by the son, reconciling to inevitable. We often together eat or we go to bed. And still we smear each other with brilliant green and we drip a nose.
Independence - the key to success. the Food cooked and decorated with direct participation of the child is eaten without whims twice quicker.
the Son himself gets clothes from a case and puts on - and “I it will not put on any objections“ (only the seasonal clothes have to be available).
If the son agrees to lay a bed of day of a day dream, it is possible to be almost sure that it is not necessary to stack it.
Acquaintance to the plan. Often whims or negative reaction occur because that to the child is unclear what from it is wanted and why in general it is necessary. Therefore I always (several times a day) try to tell the son that why and in what sequence we will do the next several hours. And still I tell plans for week to him.
behavior Explanation. by the Quiet voice I tell the son that, as he often does not know:“ Already it is time for you to sleep therefore you are capricious and you do not obey. Let`s have a sleep a little, and then you will become cheerful again, and mother with pleasure with you will play“. (Today obeyed and went to bed).
simply and quickly
Sometimes on an outcome intellectual, creative and all other power, and just there is a wish to calm the child or to quickly achieve peace in a family and to be engaged in another matters.
to Hurry that did not manage to come round, object. “Quickly - quickly bear a pot, quickly - quickly take off shorts, sit down rather“.
Common goal. it is necessary for me home, the son wants to walk. We buy the book or a delicacy, and now home it is necessary for both of us.
of Zagovorki. I Use, nearly since the birth. Works it is not dependent on a condition of the child, but demands big energy. A method essence - to tell, tell, say. And then the child who was going to begin to cry will listen and will forget about crying, and stirring legs and not person interested to put on the kid will stand for several seconds. Well and porridge it is so possible to feed and in general to achieve necessary passive (not demanding from the child of own actions) behavior. Here only long such colloquial loading cannot almost be sustained (and it is desirable to talk not nonsense, and to report something clever, useful, developing).
Question-answer. the Way is similar on previous, but the child gets part of colloquial loading. In transport or before going to bed with the child in the mode the question-answer blabs out a certain text. I ask to show parts of a body or I ask what sounds what animal publishes, than eats where lives. Result - the quiet child for the period of a text pro-dialect.
of the Twinkle. Quieting of the crying or whimsical child can be transferred to a shchekotaniye or something ridiculous. Does not approach at a hysterics. “I frighten“ the got naughty son: “Here now fish soup I will tear off!“ And me a discharge, and the son, having forgotten about mischief, closes ears and laughs. > it is simple to p to wait for
. Often collecting on walk is followed by awful hassle. Once, having come round (us have no place to hurry!), I stop fight for clothing, I leave the played child and I sit down at the computer. In half an hour the son comes to me, already almost dressed, and calls on the street.
Ode “Well Done! Well Done!“ we have several self-made songs which are sung in an award for special achievements (for example, for timely use of a pot). Instead of songs there can be verses or rituals.
Prize. the Method very effective, but I am confused by purchase of good behavior. I try to award with interesting game, the new fairy tale, reading. And all - any campaign in a supermarket does not do without sweet prize (I am consoled that it would be boring for the child with ideal mother).
is not wanted by soup, and asks fruit jelly: “You want fruit jelly? Here I put on a saucer, prepared - after eat soup, can have a snack on fruit jelly“. Does not want to prepare for a dream: “You want, I will read to you the whole five books? Then let`s lay a bed, we will clean teeth and we will read“.Can not give to
a prize in hands, and to hide in a visible place:“ It seems to me if you clean all the toys, we together will wash up floors, in a clean room the prize for us surely will appear“.
Derivation in a new way. to Distract, interest is for earlier age, but sometimes helps.
Is capricious, is going to cry: “Oh that it at you, an eyelash on an eye? Wait, now I will pull out, and that she prevents you to cry“.
of the Matured and grown wiser child can be distracted not the mythical flown by birdie, but quite material surprise. For such cases I hold a strategic stock of small toys, stickers, balloons. Still I cut out small animals or little men from a cardboard (and it is convenient to store, and the son to them rejoices).
Crying, being on the verge of a hysterics to the child: “And who there in kitchen sheburshit, it seems to me, it is a mouse or a hedgehog, I will go I will look who manages there...“ (I come to kitchen the first and I manage to attach a cardboard mouse or a pith hedgehog on a table).