The mother-in-law - the blood?
Classical triangle: man and two women. And if one of women - his mother, then is not love, and it is rather, the Bermuda Triangle where sometimes vanish without trace love, respect and rest.
the daughter-in-law Washes the floors.
- Mother, so? there is no
- not so.
Once again washed.
- Mother, so? there is no
- not so.
Once again washed.
- And how?
- I do not know as, but not so...
“With the mother-in-law, unfortunately, the relations did not develop“. Too often it is necessary to hear this phrase from women. And at once there is a question: and whether you “put“ these relations? Most often your mother-in-law lacks the fact that you could not find in the soul - if not love then respect, kindness, understanding. Certainly, and mothers-in-law are different: clever and silly, tolerant and foolish, eternal housewives and modern business - the lady. But all of them need sympathy, the benevolent relation and attention. Do not forget also that all want that their merits recognized, and thanked for their efforts.
of the Mother-in-law happen different
- of the Mother-in-law - the girlfriend helps the young woman, likes to consult on it. Not importunate mother-in-law communicates with the daughter-in-law of all several times in a year - during family meetings and holidays. As a rule, it is the woman who is carried away by something, often working who considers that young spouses will deal with the life.
- the Mother-in-law - the despot demands that young people executed all her whims and were guided in life only by its persistent councils.
- the Mother-in-law is a spy it is very vigorous (usually divorced woman), she has no place to put the forces. She adores teaching mind - reason, to establish the orders and to check that they were implicitly carried out (up to peeping and interception).
- the Mother-in-law - the muzhny wife. the Family with such mother-in-law is more reliable than others is insured from the conflicts: if only the daughter-in-law loved her son. All the rest will be adjusted if to follow a golden rule of good nature: never refuse the help offered by “old men“, but also you do not seek to hang up on them all the problems. Then the feeling of own importance will be combined in them with pride of the son and the daughter-in-law.
- the Mother-in-law - the brood hen is jealous, it grieves it to share the son with other woman - she devoted it all life. The main thing in the relations - tolerance and is as much as possible attention to the husband. Try not to quarrel with it. You treat the mother-in-law as to mother (at least as to the husband`s mother).
- the Mother-in-law - the business woman . If it is more important than a family for the mother-in-law of a pit - you were largely lucky. She will not begin to waste time on trifles and “shpynyat“ the daughter-in-law for the fact that the teapot is put by a nose not in that party. It will not begin to climb in your affairs at all - the fully. And if the daughter-in-law with the mother-in-law also the common professional interests - can have a magnificent tandem.
- the Mother-in-law, she is a mother-in-law , - the most delicate of mothers-in-law: she sees how the daughter clashes with the mother-in-law, and seeks to avoid similar situations in the relations with the daughter-in-law. She tries to interpose as little as possible in the matter of a young family, and in case of the conflicts is inclined to show rather not a maternal instinct, but female solidarity. However, not to run into unexpected troubles, first of all it is necessary to make friends with the sister-in-law (the husband`s sister). Then with the mother-in-law of the relation will be adjusted by itself.
the Main feeling which you should like to the mother-in-law, is a gratitude. Gratitude for the most expensive in her life - for her son. She gave birth to him, raised and considered many years that it belongs first of all to it and only then all the rest. And there are you and raise a claim for its treasure. You accept the partner in life not only with its high qualities, but also with shortcomings including with all his relatives. Accept the mother-in-law such what she is. Indulgently treat her if she the behavior proves that it is better than you. Recognize its superiority in what is especially important for it. Who told that you have to be better in everything than it that your husband continued to love you? All the same he loves you in a different way. She to you not the competitor and will never take your place. And even if your spouse compares you to mother in ability to prepare or spend money, then it is trifles in comparison with that feeling that connects you with the husband. > the Role of the peacekeeper
it is dangerous to p to support by
the husband in war against own mother even if it is war on trifles. And equally it is impossible to form a peculiar female coalition, being connected to educational process of own husband. Not the fact that you will get the faithful companion in the person of the mother-in-law, and you will spoil the relations with the husband for certain. Your role can be only peacekeeping - to soften a situation and to smooth acute angles.
the Special relations
be not reflection of the relations which developed between the husband and his mother. If their relations especially gentle, you fall short“ of them and as a result always to lose on their background. If the relations intense, then receive the ready conflict in which are not guilty. It is anyway useful to sign the contract with the mother-in-law. Of course, it will not look as “and now let`s agree as we will live“. But it is very useful to discuss unostentatiously in advance some moments, and at the same time to take an interest, as if she wanted that you called it. Strangely enough, it is important. Sometimes the “wrong“ address becomes the beginning of mutual confrontation.
the Magic word
do not fall into stilted style: “Mother at me one!“ - on the offer to call the mother-in-law mother. Such desire can be a tribute to traditions of a family, and not to you change them or maybe is dictated by unrealized desire to have one more child or the girl. Do not forget - when the woman hears “mother“, she spills out an instinct to love, to protect and to forgive all, it is not so bad. To you can suggest to call the mother-in-law on a name and a middle name. It demonstrates to some distance and that will interfere with your life less. The young-looking mother-in-law can want that she was called by name - at you more chances to make friends.
the Correct approach
If you live separately from the mother-in-law, then to build up with it the kind relationship quite really. But if you have to live with the mother-in-law under the same roof and to share with her kitchen, here not to avoid collisions. That though somehow to soften the imminent scandal, study a disposition: where and that costs where to hang up a towel, and strictly conform to the local rules. They were established by decades, maybe, and in them there is a reasonable grain. If you want to prepare something, then it is possible to tell the mother-in-law that you see how she is tired, and you want to help her therefore today it is exempted from preparation of a dinner. If at you something is not got on, do not wait when you begin to be taught. It is better to ask.
Myths and reality
Myth the first: many consider that mother is jealous the son of the daughter-in-law. Perhaps, such also are, but their units. Myth of the second: in all quarrels the mother-in-law - the instigator. Actually many mothers-in-law do everything not to quarrel with the daughter-in-law. In - the first, live by the principle: if to them it is good - me even better. In - the second, cones want to fill - let fill. In - the third when between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law the conflict is about to happen, surely do a pause and consider a situation. And if state to the daughter-in-law the claims, then try to do it tactfully. In a word, the mother-in-law not to be easier at all, than the daughter-in-law. You remember it.
of 5 important rules in the relations with the mother-in-law
First: Observe a distance!
And not only from the father-in-law and the mother-in-law, but also from own mothers and fathers, as if setting the husband an example of the correct attitude towards the family. Communicate validly, help each other. But borders of the pass - protect the states sharp-sightedly. Do not involve relatives in yours with the husband the personal relations. Even if you get on with the mother-in-law, surely leave for yourself one and a half meters of the personal zone. Type calls are inadmissible: “And yours (notice, “yours“!) Seryozha did not come to spend the night today!“ It is worth making of the mother-in-law “a vest in which it is possible to cry“ concerning failures in your matrimonial life, and your family center will be destroyed. To discuss with mother shortcomings of her son (even if she calls you on this conversation) at least not structurally. With the mother-in-law it is necessary and it is possible to agree. At least because, despite all its shortcomings, it has one indisputable advantage - she is mother of your elect.
Second: Do not jam in the girlfriend or in the daughter
the opinion that the good daughter-in-law at any cost has to try to obtain the mother-in-law arrangement Occurs. Forget. At communication with the mother-in-law the conflicts are possible. Do not play from yourself the child, differently and will treat you respectively. Communicate with the mother-in-law as equals. She will take offense? Let takes offense. Will get used. Be yourself and do not try to please the mother-in-law specially. Any relations with the mother-in-law need to be built honestly and openly.
Third: Avoid dismantling
style of the relations is influenced significantly by education level. What to do if in the relative you got that is called the old regime scandalous aunt? With all set of shouts, scandals and offenses. With all the categorical svekroviny truth which keeps within two words: “I am a mother!“ With all lamentations how she gave birth tormently, changed diapers, and you came to all gotovenky!. What to do? And anything. Something is useless to prove and to appeal to reason. In this case the main thing - not to give in on provocation and not to start senseless military operations, especially with involvement of the spouse. Displace the banners and withdraw troops. In such fights obviously there will be no winners.
Fourth: Make gifts
As well as any woman, mothers-in-law will be pleasant small signs of attention. Even if your relations are still far from ideal, there is a hope to correct them by means of the kind relation and sincere desire to make something pleasant for the woman.
Fifth: Do not accuse
more expedient and more humane to proceed from an innocence presumption. Seeing that the mother-in-law does something not so or speaks not so, it is better to close eyes, to count to forty and to say mentally: “It is not guilty!. She was born absolutely in other time, absolutely in other family. It has absolutely other habits and other tastes. It was taught another, she got used absolutely to other life. It really is not guilty of anything! And it at all to me not the enemy. I will not wait from it for a dirty trick any more, and I will better smile and I will tell that it clever, kind and understanding. And both of us will find out soon that so it also is“
of 5 typical delusions
1 “My mother better“
Young people lodged at the wife`s parents. To it so more conveniently and only with the husband not everything is fine. Almost does not stay at home: is late at work, meets friends. And communication with the mother-in-law leave a heavy deposit at heart. She calls only to state the next claims. Mother is sure that the daughter-in-law does not appreciate her son and does not love it and it is better for them to divorce.
the Comment the Married couple should not live in the wife`s family. It considerably lowers the status of the husband. He will try to raise it. It is good if it is shown in aspiration to career and high earnings. But quite often he looks for recognitions of the advantages at friends, behind a bottle or at other woman. The mother-in-law not in vain is anxious.“I it will help
2 with everything“
Young people live with the husband`s parents, but the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law do not manage to get on among themselves though the daughter-in-law tries to participate in household chores actively. The mother-in-law jealously treats the economy and wants that in the house everything went as before. And the daughter-in-law does everything “not so“. Kitchen squabbles develop into the real scandals.
the Comment the Mother-in-law - the hostess in the house. It will not give to the daughter-in-law the role. The young woman has to reconcile and accept with it her rules. The daughter-in-law from the situation can take certain advantages: to provide to the mother-in-law to conduct economy as it is pleasant to her. Only you should not allow its interventions in your private life.“The mother-in-law will replace with
3 to me mother“
the Girl who received less in the childhood of tenderness and caress from mother transfers all love to the mother-in-law. The daughter-in-law needs maternal love and finds it in the husband`s family. From the first day calls the mother-in-law mother, is quick to grasp each her word, they live in a full harmony and a consent. In it, apparently, there is nothing bad, but they are trapped by a trap. Over time the daughter-in-law begins to project on her the negative potential which collected at it with offenses on mother. It develops into the conflict.
the Comment Relationship between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law has to have certain borders. In this case the daughter-in-law expects from the mother-in-law of the same attachment what had to receive from the mother. But the mother-in-law is not obliged to love the daughter-in-law as the daughter at all.
4 “It“is guilty
of the Mother-in-law of all our troubles, without knowing that, serve as “lightning rod“ for daughters-in-law. They have to pay for everything that happens in the house of bad. As if the daughter-in-law was angry with the husband, she does not allow the conflicts with it, but cruelly recoups on his mother. Is to such mother-in-law hardly. The son has no claims to the wife: she seldom swears at it. He considers female conflicts as a commonplace and does not want to know what fights from - for it are played.
the Comment to Blame for the failures others - a sign of psychological immaturity. You chose the husband therefore you have to bear for it responsibility as well as for the family life. If the mother-in-law too violently interferes, try to limit her influence on a family. It will become easier for all. The son, the daughter-in-law and grandsons will respect more mother and the grandmother who has hobbies, interesting work, friends and an unusual hobby.
5 “The grandmother should not interfere with education of grandsons“
Despite the bad relations with the daughter-in-law, the mother-in-law adores the grandsons, spends with them much time and in every possible way emphasizes that she knows better how to bring up them. The mother-in-law finds it possible to interfere with private life of the daughter-in-law because she feels that she constantly renders her services.
the Comment not to be the obliged mother-in-law, it is necessary to find tactfully the most convenient forms for remuneration of her work. Perhaps, money, gifts or help with economy. At the same time it is worth limiting its time of sitting with the child at the expense of the nurse or a garden. But, not to offend the mother-in-law, telling arguments are necessary. For example, the child has to get used to communication with peers, join the developing occupations.
Information to reflection
the Mother duty in Russian
owing to different circumstances - from economic difficulties to the patriarchal country tradition lasting from deep history - in Russia parents sponsor children much longer, than it is accepted in the West. Our parents even help forty-year-old children money therefore consider themselves to have the right to interfere with their family problems. And they help not from surplus of sincere generosity at all (then would not demand instead of obedience). The matter is that problems of children and grandsons - often the only sphere of application of parental forces. Parents just have no other interests (work, a hobby). Many women misunderstand the mother duty. They that is called “endow everything“ - career, private life - for the sake of education the child are also not ready that children grow up sooner or later. From such mothers the most intolerable mothers-in-law and mothers-in-law turn out. The wedding of children is regarded by them as personal accident - their existence loses meaning. Therefore they try to approve in any ways the influence. Wise children at this moment help mother to arrange private life or to get a hobby.
What to do? do not try to fall in love with the new family madly. You already have mother and the father - to have one more parents hard purely psychologically. And the spouse`s parents all the same will not begin to treat you as to the daughter. Your purpose - a friendly neutrality.
- Live separately from parents even if the husband has lonely mother whom it is a pity to leave one. The care can be shown differently: to have supper at mother or to come to her on a visit on days off. Take for the rule to call her in the morning or in the evening, to help money. If you decided to attract with
- the parents to the solution of household questions: to sit with the child or to help about the house, in 99% of cases it will cost very much to you. For example, if you involve the mother in care of the child, most likely, your husband will try to stay less often at home. Fatherly feelings will have no place to be born and furthermore to be shown.
- If the young family to save up money for own apartment, is going to live some time at parents, it is very probable that the apartment is not required to them soon any more. Two traumatic factors will work at once. The spouse living in the territory of the parents constantly feels their pressure. The spouse - the guest all the time feels like the stranger. Therefore matrimonial and intimate relations in the apartment of parents easily wither.
- Many modern families maintain conventional attitudes with parents and do not devote them in a detail of the life, do not give the chance to influence it, even to bring up grandsons as consider own education insufficiently successful. Communication with parents is limited to rare visits for New year and birthdays. And such relations are considered as quite normal.