``The new father`` for the child of
How to make friends the kid with the stepfather?life does not come to an end with
After divorce, and one fine day lonely mother meets the man of the dream who as she considers, can become a father to her child. Here only the kid is not always ready to share her pleasure. What to do? To offer own happiness? Or there are ways to help the child to make friends with future stepfather?
From a blank sheet
In modern Russian society lonely mother, unfortunately, the phenomenon rather widespread. The rare woman abandons the child, having left the husband, men a reverse situation. Often, stopping the relations with once the beloved, men resolutely try to cross out all antecedents. And quite often behind this line there is a child who was in time to be born, and sometimes and rather grow up. Certainly, not always mutual disagreements or the new relations are the reason of parting of spouses, there are also much more dramatic events, for example, death of the spouse. However, irrespective of the reason, the end of this history always one - the woman alone brings up the child, trying to be for it both mother, and the father, and the best friend. And once she meets the man. The man who wants to live with it in marriage and is ready to bring up her child.
at this moment most of lonely mothers face a serious question how to adapt the child to the new family member, the man who will undertake a role of “the new father“. This question disturbs many so that they sometimes exaggerate possible difficulties. Being afraid of own incompetence in so delicate area, these mothers endow the family happiness “for the sake of tranquility of the child“. In other cases, on the contrary, the woman does not pay to this subject due attention, but shortly faces a huge number of problems and the conflicts. Certainly, to offer in a similar situation of the recommendation, universal for any family, it is impossible. But nevertheless it is worth talking about some traditional questions - each family to which “the new father“ comes faces them.
“Father“ or “uncle“?
In this question as it is paradoxical, the opinion of most of family psychotherapists disperses from public. Therapists recommend to address the stepfather by name. In our culture it is traditionally accepted to call the stepfather “father“, showing, thus, respect and recognizing its special role in a family. Many mothers diligently accustom the children to such address, encouraging and in every possible way supporting them in it. For what they do it? Question of the woman usually answer it that “it is so more pleasant to the man“, “so the family will be stronger“, “there are less questions at the child“, “so more simply“. But finally usually recognize that do not know why arrive thus. Simply, it is so accepted. Quite often, women with affection say that the child himself began to call the stepfather “father“, having allegedly independently made a choice for the new man. Actually, children as a sponge, absorb that information which is obtained from adults. And if to the woman it is important that the child thus addressed her new husband, then she will support him in it, and it is not obligatory words - a mimicry, gesticulation, the mood. And sometimes and itself, in conversation, will replace a name of the husband with the word “father“.
Strangely enough, it is very important, fundamental issue. Thus there is a substitution of concepts and, perhaps, violation of intra family roles. For the child at whom the most part of world around, owing to age, is made by a family in the head there is a terrible confusion. And if this, new man, now the father, then who then that man whom he called this word earlier. Besides it is necessary to love the father the same as mother. It turns out what “the old father“ can be not loved any more? Or fathers can be two at once? The mentality of the person, even very small, does not suffer uncertainty. And for restoration of an integral picture of the world the child needs answers to all these questions. In case the child himself is forced to answer them, or instead of truthful answers receives hastily the stuck together illogical tale, this history will receive continuation further. At one it it will be expressed in decrease in trust to authoritative parental figures and world around. Others will cease to understand a role of the father, and it will lead to problems in future family life. The third will suffer from constant feeling that they are guilty of something. And it is not theoretical provisions, but reality which psychotherapists should face, working with the adult clients who endured a similar situation in the childhood.
Should not be forgotten also about the man. Coming to a new family, he can become the friend, the defender, the teacher for the child, but not loving parent. The rank of “father“ assigns to it actually impossible duties, further requirements which he not in forces, and has no right to execute will be imposed to it. Sometimes, when such things are not realized, it is very difficult to understand the reasons of the conflicts and the alienation arising between spouses “out of the blue“.With what to begin
? > it is important to h2 to understand
that the child`s relations with the stepfather should be formed long before they begin to live under the same roof. The preparatory stage during which the child and future family member have to get used to each other is necessary, feel safety of such neighbourhood. It is important, irrespective of age of the child and in the future will simplify inevitable “fine tuning“. It is necessary that the mother`s elect regularly was in the house, so far on a visit, but it is obligatory when the child is at home too and, certainly, does not sleep. It is necessary to warn the kid about the forthcoming visit in advance. On the one hand, it helps it to be prepared morally, and with another - says about respect and attention for a small penis of a family. You should not try to stimulate from the first day communication between the child and the friend, to try to discover common interests, pushing to each other. It is necessary to allow them just to stay nearby. And especially you should not report “a joyful message“ from a threshold that the family will increase by one person soon. Gradually, when the kid will get used to the new acquaintance, it is possible to organize “offside events“ together: picnics, visits of circus, on attractions or on a visit. At this stage it is very correct, literally, for 10 - 15 minutes, under a specious excuse to leave the child alone with future stepfather. It is a step of big trust which gives them unique experience of communication without intermediary in the person of mother. Besides, as a rule, these first short minutes of thetas - and - thetas those careful questions and answers capable to become the strong base of firm friendship between the child and the man sound. After a while it is worth beginning “gradual resettlement“ when future husband spends the whole day with a family and to stay overnight. Such, apparently, simple things as a dream under the same roof, evening “good night“, morning “good morning“, joint dinners and breakfasts, most naturally create the family atmosphere of a new family. At this stage you should not establish new family rules, so far for the child this man just stays in the house. The man especially should not show an initiative in this question is the shortest and right way to defeat.Serious conversation Even finally having approved
in the desire to live one family, you should not do it suddenly. It is necessary to give itself and the kid time to be prepared and accept this fact. Approximately a month before the appointed term together with future husband - it is obligatory together - to tell the child about the decision. In fact, it will be the first experience of serious conversation where adults act as couple. Experience which has to become family tradition.to
However, it happens that at a preparatory stage children begin to be interested: “Why we do not live all together yet?“ But so happens not always, and it is necessary to prepare that this last month mother should answer a set of questions. They will not always be simple, but it is necessary to answer them sincerely. At this time it is worth being especially attentive to the child. Quite often children are afraid to ask that a great lot of questions which at them appear, or just do not know how to ask. It happens and so that some vague feeling, the concern, alarm torment the child, and he cannot find suitable words. Then these questions are transformed to such neurotic symptoms as a sleep disorder, tics, stutter, enuresis (an urine incontience), irritability, permanent decrease in mood.
In this case does not need to panic. It is important to manage get to talking the child, to help it to tell about what concerns him. It is possible to ask it to tell a story of the characters drawn or molded from plasticine, to think up together with it the fairy tale. Sometimes it is simpler to children to tell about the experiences through an invented story, it is important to listen and not to be afraid to ask questions only attentively. The same month can be necessary for the solution of “bed questions“ if the kid still sleeps with mother.Also should not forget
that during this time future married couple needs to develop the common principled “parental“ position. It is important that it did not differ radically from those rules which already existed earlier. Mother needs to remember it even if she is crazy about the man and it is ready to accept him with all developed habits. It was chosen by her, but not the kid. Therefore you should not create additional difficulties, remaking all former way.
Unanimity of views
the First months of new family life happen the most difficult: the features of the relations in couple are formed, intra family rules are reconstructed, people get used to each other, to the changed family roles and duties. It is very important to pay enough attention not only to the child, but also the husband at this time. To let know to it as it is highly appreciated and to support in new “parental“ function. The woman should prove in practice that his opinion is important for her and that she is grateful to it for participation in education of the child.
children under 3 years get used to the stepfather Quicker, it is easy for them to adapt to the new person and to adjust with it communication if to keep other features of world around invariable. Younger school students and teenagers also quickly adapt to changes in a family - they already have the brief life experience and understanding of how the relations are under construction. However, in this case “the new father“ has to not just be pleasant to the child, and interest him, undergo individual “testing“ for authoritativeness.
But most difficultly at this stage it is necessary families with children aged from 3 till 7 years, especially, if it is boys. The matter is that children pass very specific phase of mental development in this age interval, becoming pronounced owners. It is not only about personal spatial borders, the heightened sense of property extends even to relatives. In turn, this period coincides with “an Oedipus phase“ (the concept offered by Freud). It is shown that boys enter fierce fight against the rival for attention of the dearest woman - mothers. However everything is reparable if couple has a uniform position distinct, clear to the child concerning new family rules. In general at this stage the pronoun “we“ gains key value, especially for the man. To reach the authoritative position in a family and to have the right of a casting vote, not one year can be necessary, and “I consider any“, “I told“, “I better know“ easily depreciate the child because so far this man for the kid more likely others, than the. Another matter if mother holds the same opinion and that is especially important, words do not disperse from actions.
If to follow the simple rules applicable for each family - to respect each other, to hear opinion of relatives, to be able to agree and find compromise solutions, not to be afraid of changes and to love those people with whom you live under the same roof - the new family relations will only please and support in life, and “the new father“ will be able to become loved one for your kid.cannot be done to
- Is inadmissible that already at a preparatory stage the man established the rules and, what is even worse, requirements.
- Should not interfere with meetings of children with the father in spite of the fact that in a family other man appeared.
- It is unnecessary to compare the child`s father to the stepfather, especially in presence of the kid. It is dangerous and very widespread mistake: mother affords pejorative remarks to the father with further specification “another matter your new father …“. Trying to incite the kid against the father, it is possible to achieve a boomerang effect - to cause an aversion for the stepfather.