On the way to an ideal...
What wish are the best for the woman? Of course - love! To love most and to be darling! Always! Throughout all life and despite everything! And it is interesting as men imagine that with which they would like to fall in love for which they are ready to care which they are ready to carry on hands? Generally, what has to be the woman that thought: “What happiness that I with it!“ - did not leave its satellite?
... Let`s try to learn it from men - and not simple, but known and even well-known. Then we will compare their opinion to what concerning it is told by modern psychology. Then we will review examples. And at last, we will draw conclusions personally for ourselves.
“The woman`s time whose beauty is perfect, and redkostna advantages, so touch our heart that we are content with the right to look at them and to speak with them“ . (Zh. Labryuyer, French writer, publitsistxvii centuries.)
As, only to look and speak? And unless not such is looked for by them to connect with it the life? Unless there is no desire to immediately make the proposal of a hand and heart of the most beautiful, the cleverest, the most successful, very best?.
and pushes away at the same time. We can admire it and even to love, but some detached love. And here to try to obtain love or friendship of desire does not arise - frightening. Suddenly we will not bear comparison? Suddenly we will appear “not really“? It and to women - that not really is pleasant, and the men focused on superiority just at some biological level avoid such situations. But it is even more dangerous, than the person ideal, - the one who considers himself as that - reasonably or not - and bears this knowledge, is proud having raised the head and looking at all from top to down.“ Well and sense of humour at your friends... This girl has an intelligence, as at chicken... Someone in general brought up you? This society not for me...“ Even if it is also not said aloud, then expression of superiority on a face is capable to frighten off anyone.
of the Practician:
the High self-assessment - it is healthy. But even if you have all bases to be proud of the achievements, beauty, abilities, parents, - remove a crown for a while and learn to be simpler. The modesty as it is banal, decorates, and, above all, attracts and gives feeling of the importance to the loved one.
Larisa is the rare beauty - by thirty years was a candidate of science, the author of several books and the head of department. Her few admirers hid as soon as they learned at least something one from this. Then it was solved on terrible lie - and began to be represented by the conductor of the long distance train. Candidates went literally in flocks. And then, when the groom learned the real face of the darling, was late - fell in love and reconciled to such “shortcoming“. >
“To the man it is not enough to p to be darling: he wants that it was estimated, and can only estimate those who are similar to it. Therefore on light the love between two beings, one of whom is lower than another, is short-lived“ . (F. de La Rochefoucauld, the moralist, the philosopher, the writer living in 1613 - 1680).
But same full contradiction!
it is noticed Long ago that there are more chances of long marriage at people, on average similar. It does not concern unless character - here just often we look for the contrast supplementing us. And here education level, a family situation, the relation to life have to be similar. Achievements of one person from couple have to be supplemented with achievements of another. In social psychology it is called a “rovna“ phenomenon.
of the Practician:
Completely to devote the life to the husband, it is possible for children, but... for a while. Otherwise you will just lag behind life of those to whom all life was devoted. And it is not egoism. Men, by the way, one of significant qualities of the wife call it as “the interesting interlocutor“. And whether it is easy to be such interlocutor if the focus of interest does not extend further the house - kindergarten - shop (other option: the house - beauty shop - sports club - shop)?
the Most known a top - models of the world have very quite good education. And the majority of them got this education when career was on take-off. What for? At them and so everything is good - both money, and glory, and it is more than enough of man`s attention? They could arrange the private life, having just decorated with the presence life of other person. But... probably, it is them and did not arrange.“If the woman though slightly - slightly differs in
from others, the man right there is caught in her net... The girl with secret defect - as if the room on the lock: to glance and pulls“ . (Yasunari Kawabata, Japanese prose writer, 1899 - 1972).
But why they cannot be torn off from the magazine where just girls without shortcomings are brought together, and with in - about - about - t such advantages, and all - as on selection...
Physical appeal - an important factor of social success. We reach for externally pleasant people as often we allocate them with positive lines. Such stereotype works since the childhood, in fairy tales the good hero - surely beautiful, and angry - ugly. With age we understand that appearance is sometimes deceptive, but nevertheless... we pay attention to it first of all. As for beauty, despite standards, each person will have preferences. And the shortcoming, really, too can help to pay attention to the person, to enter with it communication and to recognize him as the personality. And all this is will be defining in the relations. Therefore the main thing - an originality, feature, a highlight... As the prince from the fairy tale about the Cinderella spoke: “So, I love you because you are beautiful, or you are beautiful because I love you?“
of the Practician:
to Watch itself and it is just necessary to care for the appearance. But to be fond of various transformations of a body and person to reach some standard, nevertheless is not necessary. Diets, sport, cosmetic procedures are good when they do not become persuasive and do not begin to occupy all your life. Of course, you can become more harmonously, both more young, and in general another, but think: can, the fact that it seems to you a terrible shortcoming, someone considers as lovely ornament?
Life:One my acquaintance since the childhood suffered from
from own ears. One of them stuck out more than another and created problems in the choice of hairdresses. And before a wedding it was solved on operation (in new life - with a new ear). But here when she told about it to the darling, not in forces to constrain a secret, learned that hated part of the face she is obliged to a meeting with it. He told that he paid to it attention to lectures when, sitting behind, saw how the pink ear which got out of hair ridiculously appears through on the sun.
“The man can be anyone, and the woman - image of the one whom loves“. (Miguel Ahn - hel Asturias, the vatemalsky poet and the journalist, the Nobel Prize laureate on literature of 1967.)
Same discrimination! And how equal opportunities? Twenty first century outside!
One of factors of emergence and preservation of love - detection in other person of what is pleasant to us. And we like what is in ourselves. The law of “a functional distance“ says: we try to find in another some lines, some similarity of, the way of life and the requirements. At an acquaintance stage the man is capable to meet halfway, somehow to modify himself and the interests. But as soon as the purpose is reached, the object is won (practically right after a wedding), all actions for self-changes stop. And 99% of concessions are done by the woman. But it not sophisticated insidiousness of men - just female mentality is more plastic and is more ready to changes. Such quality is just necessary for women - they should be reconciled with circumstances more. For example, the child`s birth - giving huge joy, it forces to forget for the next years what it is freedom and independence.
of the Practician:
to Concede and be attached. It simply sounds somehow is too subordinated, actually it also is a basis of strong marriage. Especially as concessions, but not upholding of own opinion at any cost, help women to try to obtain the. As they say, strength of the woman - in her weakness.
you Remember the movie “Moscow Does Not Trust Tears“? Gosha (he Gog) repeatedly says that the man has to make decisions, earn more woman and so on... What happened when he learned that in them with Katerina the relations it not so? Left and got drunk. Well everything ended, however, well... thanks to it - the main character.
“You behold a star for two reasons: because it shines and therefore that it is incomprehensible. But... shine more gentle and secret deeper - the woman“ . (Victor Hugo, the French writer - the romantic of the 19th century.)
Secret... It attracts all. But all secret, it seems, becomes obvious. To be a mysterious stranger in 10 years of family life - as you imagine it?
It is valid, in the relations there is such rule: the more interesting to us the partner, his inner world, the there is a long wish to continue communication. But it is frequent as interesting we estimate the partner who... is interested in us.
In experiment different girls had to behave differently, talking to men of different age (girls were represented by journalists). Then men asked to estimate girls. Those from them which looked at the interlocutor with interest spoke a little and very attentively listened, were out of competition. In life it is confirmed every day - men love that listened to them. It, as a matter of fact, also adds mystery to the woman. In this case she speaks about herself a little and eventually will interest the partner.
of the Practician: >to Women with their talkativeness and emotionality it it is difficult for strong to execute
. And nevertheless try (and even take for the rule), having had a good long talk with the girlfriend by phone, at supper with the darling it is simple to be all ears.
one more way to add to themselves mystery - inappropriate emotions Is. The interlocutor tells something cheerful, and you smile sadly - sadly. Naturally, it becomes interesting - why? Perhaps you have some memoirs on this subject? Perhaps at present you endure something what you cannot tell about? Generally, sometimes it is useful. But only sometimes!
It is very rare! Otherwise your interlocutor will have a feeling that you do not listen to it at all, and the result will be completely opposite to expected. And still - to look at the person and when he feels a look and will turn, - at once to look away. Too, of course, not every day, but it is very useful - both through 10, and in 20 years of joint life.
In one French novel such scene is. The elderly man, seriously ill, talking to the wife, speaks: “I was absolutely happy with you. The only thing that disturbs me, - I did not understand whether you love me“. “For this reason you were also so happy“, - she answers.
“The woman`s field - to excite energy of soul in the man, to support aspiration to high and fine“ . (V. G. Belinsky, Russian literary critic of the middle of the 19th century.)
A if what he aspires to, not so highly and perfectly? To support all the same?
All - men - beings vulnerable. A self-assessment at them not such steady as at women, it depends on real achievements and on an assessment of these achievements by people around more. At the expense of it in their mood, especially later to thirty, depression and even depressiveness is often shown. And here for regulation of an emotional state they have no own mechanisms. Therefore support is from outside necessary to men more, than to women. And as they are also not inclined to declare the problems, the woman has to undertake all these functions - to learn (women read out emotional states on persons and on a voice better), to ask (men have a low speech activity, they need to ask questions), to encourage (women are focused on a survival in any conditions and better cope with a task to see exits in any situation).
of the Practician:to Support by
his ideas and undertakings, and in case of failure - to convince that everything occurred absolutely not through his fault and, the main thing that everything will be good. If ideas obviously doubtful, and undertakings threaten with crash to your material well-being, then it is necessary... to agree all the same. And then slowly to ask the questions directing it at reflections about a practical side of business: “It is exciting - to open the shop. Interestingly, through what time there will be a good income? And what can be in this business of a problem?“ And, above all - to convince him that it is clever, capable and very valuable - to society, to a family and personally to you. And it it will become obligatory such.
Many known political and statesmen at various times said that they are obliged by the success to wives who gave them confidence and gave support. And so, by the way, tells even the most known (very best known) the statesman of our country.
“In love happiness delivers us what we do not know, than that we know“ . (F. de La Rochefoucauld.)
Here also our happiness is disturbed by this “that“ (and “that“ is more often) that we do not know.