How not to become mother for own husband of
I in the little girl, and in the adult woman there lives the motherhood instinct. He is beautiful! He induces to love and care for all who are dear. Including about beloveds. But... not any care for the good.
Ania was over head and ears in love with the man of the dream. Beautiful, gallant and very independent.“ You will be behind it absolutely safe“, - said to it girlfriends. Kirill was more senior than it, beautifully looked after: showered in the flowers, drove in restaurants, entertained and foresaw her slightest desires. However, from all desires soon it had only one: never to leave it. And therefore when he made it the proposal and they got married, Ania was happy and full of thanks. For the sake of it it rushed from work (to meet, feed), for the sake of it it turned the house into a cozy nest (he should relax, have a rest), for the sake of it she refused all business trips and corporate parties (as it will remain one, without her care!). The result did not keep itself waiting. However, it was not absolutely what was expected by Ania. First Kirill was surprised and violently thanked her:“ You are the first woman in my life which so cares for me“. Then got gradually used. Then began to be surprised if she forgot to give a fresh shirt or to make its favourite pie. Then it began to be irritated and once dropped, having fixed eyes in the next detective story: “You crushed me the care“. Ania and sat down... All night long she did not sleep, remembered the beginning, continuation of their relations and came to an unfavourable conclusion: the more she sponsored Kirill, the otstranenny he became. She remembered his excuses to which did not attach significance earlier: “The darling, at you it better turns out...“, “I cannot spend on it time, organize...“. And then it summed up the sad result: “I spoiled him, it is necessary to take urgently measures“.
the Fruit of the work
However, not only Ania, many of us, remembering the fine beginning of the love years later, in perplexity shrug shoulders:“ Where that disappeared careful, ready to rush in fire and in water of people? How it could turn into the lazy, lying at the TV being?“ Though outdoors, in the world of the work, it is former: active, collected and even initiative. And once the freight lying only on female shoulders becomes too heavy. Now the woman is not silent, she begins to protest, explain to the native man that further so it is impossible to live. She clashes, convinces him, and he DOES NOT UNDERSTAND! Or DOES NOT WISH to understand? And then other of women give up and continue to bear further silently freight of cares for the “big boy“, and others break up with such amorphous men to find others, tender and careful... Find... and, alas, history repeats itself. Also we do not know, a fine half of the human race that the man ourselves do such. We indulge his natural laziness, we allow not to help and not to participate, lose and forget, to quarrel and pout, both to shout and to complain. Also we receive the FRUIT of the WORK - such “big sonny“ who diligent umatyvat loveful “mummy“. Ourselves often quite consciously behave in relation to men as mothers when ourselves want to deserve them love.
the Universal way
In each man, whatever adult he was, there lives a kid who since the childhood got used to female attention and care. He was sponsored by mother, teachers and teachers cared for him... And now, when its, already adult, the woman fosters, it emotionally as if comes back to the carefree childhood. Devilishly pleasant feeling! Therefore it allows the wife to play a role of mother in his life. The man pecks as fish on a decoy. Then that the “maternal“ relation is a way to catch for itself the necessary man. And here still the instinct shouts: “Care for the one whom you love!“ The man fast gets used to a dolce vita. Even can seem to it that without “mummy“ it in general will be gone. So the woman ties with herself the beloved. Getting used to receive more, than to give, the man gradually declines all responsibility and the woman should turn more and more most. And to watch a favourite vigilant eye. And suddenly he will forget everything, will mix or will starve to death? The man loses an initiative, gives reins of government in a charge to the woman. (Especially as as “sonny“ it is simpler to it to live.) So the woman, having got into the role of “mummy“, inevitably begins to control the beloved.
not to turn into mummy for own husband, remember 7 main “not“ which by all means will help you. What needs to be done for the darling, each woman knows. So why not to remember what you should not do? Not to forget, write figure “7“ and hang up it in a visible place. And on the husband`s question: “What is it?“ - answer simply:“ It is a symbol of our happiness“. Let it will become your secret. She will make you only more attractive.
- you do not hurry to the aid on its first call. Wait, perhaps, you hear only an echo of its old children`s habit “mother, rescue me“. He will find to bank coffee or the briefcase with documents.
- do not solve its problem and do not do for it what he also will cope with. (If you learned to hammer nails, believe, within its powers to learn to sew buttons.) Distribute duties (or decide what you assign to it) and do not interfere - let carries out. do not sponsor
- on trifles. If unbearable - be limited to councils and let him solve: to use them or not.
- do not give in to a temptation to interfere and help when it seems to you that it does something not so. And if you begin to help - do not take the lead.
- do not indulge its weaknesses. Let itself is responsible for the offenses.“ You forgot to buy products, darling? Not terribly, today for dinner there will be a squash... without oil“. be not bought by
- on flattery and pity.
- you do not grumble and you do not “saw“. Show that you believe in its forces that you do not doubt: it can do everything. You thank him for the slightest manifestation of an initiative and admire care of you. Always express sincere belief in its forces.
What will occur if you cease to nurse the “big boy“? First he will be surprised and will become puzzled. Or will begin to row, will try to manipulate you: to show an attention maximum for the next day to show full alienation, to be depressed, revolt, appeal to your pity (appetite was gone, I am ill), etc. In whatever form it was shown, most likely, he will express a protest. Quite possibly, you will quickly be tired and want to give up. Keep! Custom is second nature. And the longer you stayed in a role of “mummy“, the it is more difficult to understand to “sonny“ that changes - not a temporary whim, they are inevitable. Psychologists claim: to develop and fix new type of behavior, about 6 weeks are required. It is the minimum period which is necessary to the person for adaptation to the changed conditions. Have patience, you pursue new policy consistently, purposefully. Learn to ask tenderly and persistently, joyfully to receive and trust a strong male shoulder. But consider, unrecoverable copies occur among men. Those that realize themselves at the expense of others that are not capable of other. It is possible or to run away from such man, or consciously and for life to assume a role of “kind mummy“. But it is anyway better to make a conscious choice, than all life to suffer. If you still do not decide even to begin, then will waste a lot of time and energy on thoughts. And never you learn what would be if...
What waits for “mummy“?
of the Role “mother“ - “sonny“, perhaps, first for both loving look very attractively. But gradually such “role-playing game“ begins to destroy relationship “the beloved - the beloved“. Why?
In - the first , to you will bother to be a working horse (or thrown that is not more sweet). You will begin to grumble, “saw“, suffer.
In - the second , any man feels like the taken place personality if he ego-tripped. He wishes to show to the world (and the beloved especially) as far as he is talented, clever, efficient, capable to bear responsibility for himself and the relatives. And you treat it motherly. His self-respect is restrained. Sooner or later to the man will bother to feel like the defective teenager and he will rebel. At one it will look as leaving in itself (you live nearby, and as strangers), at others it will be expressed in irritation and roughness, the third will calm down, the fourth will run away to very young (to it more difficult to control it and to sponsor).
B - the third , it kills the sexual relations because sex at the “mummy“ - “sonny“ level (and you subconsciously each other quite so perceive) looks vulgarly: “I am a golodnenky boy, feed me“.