Thumbing through an album...
So there was my destiny that I accepted the first pregnancy as happiness not at once. Because I was not also 20 years old, besides we saw the father of future child extremely seldom. Yes was the reasons much, but, certainly, the female nature won over all everyday minuses, and I fell in love with the kid in the very first days of pregnancy.
Now to it 8 years. My situation changed too several years ago as with his father we got married and long ago we live happily everything three together. But, as well as any woman, I madly wanted to learn that it from first second of pregnancy to endure her and to rejoice it together with the husband? To feel its support not at distance 8 - hour moving by intercity bus, not in gentle letters and full emotions phone calls, and to physically feel its proximity to future kid? Even (as it is banal) simply to feel his male hand on the stomach, to tell in the morning about the first pushes of small legs and to see gloss of pleasure in eyes? Yes there is a lot of all that most of pregnant women can test every day. At me the first time was differently. >
But as a result of circumstance of my life it developed p so that after the birth of the son I did not manage to become pregnant any more. More precisely, it was possible two years ago, but, unfortunately, only for 1,5 months. And then there was a hospital and several weeks of restoration.
I here, it seems now everything at me in life is ready for the birth of the second child: I not small (as - 28 years), the husband am ready, as they say, and morally in any way too, and physically; financial situation of stability; the son asks the brother or the sister nearly every day too. But... nothing is impossible. Though my organism works like clock-work, and several years a cycle just ideal: 28 days, to the day!!!
I suddenly, on Tuesday when in the morning I expected that here now and mine will come “to the day“, he was late. Till the evening I was afraid to believe in this pleasure and did not want “to maleficiate“ therefore did not begin to speak to anybody yet. At night I dreamed the newborn boy.
But when and on Wednesday there did not come “the late day“, here I could not be silent any more. Called from work to the husband, told. We congratulated each other, and I already began to exchange plans for the year ahead. As always, my impatience advances all events. In the evening we stopped by in a drugstore, bought the test for pregnancy. And I wanted to go to bed a bit earlier that there came morning rather, and it would already be possible to tell with an accuracy that at last we are pregnant!Before going to bed I could already tell
only about our future child. The husband looked at me a little indulgently, but his eyes smiled, he embraced me and was even more gentle, than usually. Already filling up, I took from it the promise that in the morning, leaving for work (he gets up very early, in 5. 40), it will wake me. The husband answered:“ Surely. You only give fall asleep rather“.
Ya woke up in the middle of the night from intolerable nagging pains in a stomach. At first in the sleep I understood nothing yet and tried to fall asleep again, but as a result pain prevailed. I slipped from a bed and, having bended double, hardly reached a bathroom...
If could put into words the loss, then these lines would burn the monitor screen. I sat directly in a bathtub under a shower, closing a mouth hands not to wake all house the sobbings. Everything was gone. Two days of “delay“. What were they? Whether really pregnancy or not? Provided that ever at me nothing was late. I roared, not in forces to calm down, and was angry on all world around as though someone or something except me and features of my organism is guilty that my illusions thawed in one night!I did not want to
either pity, or a consolation, - at all anything. I changed clothes and laid down in a bed. The husband rose on an elbow: “You what rose? Everything is normal?“ - “Yes“, - I answered.I span with
Till the morning on a bed in search of a comfortable position to appease pain, periodically failed in a dream, and I dreamed for some reason my childbirth.
B 5. 40 the husband`s alarm clock rang out. He got up. I did not sleep. And, when he faced me to wake, our views met... I do not know how, but at once it became clear to me that he understood everything. And I felt such emptiness that all his words of a consolation and encouragement, did not achieve the objectives and passed as though through me.
I could not go For work from - for severe pains. Called and told that ached. The son since the beginning of April goes to school itself therefore I saw him to a door and fell to a bed again.
Fortunately to plunge into a depression and own pain to me persistently did not ring from work. One asked that he is with me. Another called to specify lists of clients. The third was interested whether it was succeeded to send letters etc. As a result I got up, ate a tablet but - shpa and 2 tablets of Citramonum. And here my look fell to photo albums.I do not know
on what such gut feeling, I took the very first album. I bought the camera only when mine was born synulya. As to photograph to me it was a new experience, I removed nearly each its movement. As a result even in this thick album only 10 months of his life were located. And then I suddenly get all photos which are with Stas, and I open the first album...
1998. Here it, its very first photo. We bathe the first time in a yellow children`s tray. Water pinkish from potassium permanganate. Watch brilliant blue eyes at me, the right handle is clamped in a cam, on a navel brilliant green is still visible. And here in this photo we yawn. And here to us month, the new suit is put on, and visit to the doctor is necessary.
Here we are engaged in procedures on an inflatable ball. And here - the moment when Stas the first time lifted a head from situation on a stomach is imprinted. Here - the first smile. Here - swimming on a back in a big bathtub. And now - we in the summer in the village, against the huge lake and with a venochok of yellow dandelions on the heads. Here I with a carriage, and the father with bicycle, on hands at it the sonny, screw up the face slightly from the sun and looks in a lens with a look “well how many it is possible to photograph still me“!
Here - christening: Stas with widely open eyes and the same open mouth takes a broad view of the burning candles. And here we at last sit (and the first 10 free minutes during his wakefulness which I even described in its diary are presented to me)! So, now the first attempts to creep. Yet not absolutely successful. And already it was also possible! We gnaw a mother`s doll in the growth, the person - dovoooolny! Mother, look, and I already stand! And here the father holds me also on me the most beautiful overalls in the world with an edge from a rabbit which are exclusively sewed by the great couturier - the grandmother! Oh, and what here sour grapefruit! Well - still razik I will try to kusit it? Oh!
1999. Mummy, my first birthday! And why the father eats candies, and it is impossible for me? Look, I go!!! First sinyachok. What interesting things lie on shelves, give - I everything will pull out their and on a floor I will consider (on the first shot of the shelf with things, on the second - Stas on a floor with them, regiments completely empty). And here I shake on a swing! Yes that to me a swing - the cockerel on a spring is more cheerful! And now black glasses - and at way, on the lake! Look as I bathe!
2000. Mother plays the guitar, and I sing along with it. Quite good ensemble! Yes you will think, on a guitar, here I but already on a key piano fingers press! Here I repair a sofa so do not worry, mother, I will be the same master of repair as the father soon!
2001. I at a wedding at the mother`s sister and even behave well, besides look what beautiful boots at me and shine! And now I will dance! Long - long! And it is the is best of all!
2002. Summer, and I again in the village. I go to a garden now, I am such big! Here what picture drew: this sun, it clouds, and is the sea (actually - the lake).
2003. At me in a hand nearly ten soft toys are located if to hold them for eyelets. And here we meet the father. It served, it such big, I same will grow up soon and too I will be in marines. And it I at a wedding at mother with the father, give to mother a ball and I hold her beautiful dress. In this photo I run under fountains in Peterhof, and here I go at the father on shoulders. And here we with mother swim in the Gulf of Finland. Beauty!
2004. I in a kimono am engaged in judo! Here, already and on the father the trick applied (in a shot almost two-meter father (1,87 m) lies on a floor). And here I sit on occupations because I should prepare for school slowly.
2005. My final in a garden. I dance under Verki Serdyuchki`s song, and here I guess riddles, and now I play with children and I eat tasty cake. At last I go by big bicycle!
on September 1. Now I am a school student. I smile in all photos because I am very glad that now really almost adult! I sit at a school desk with a bouquet of flowers. We in a class have the most beautiful and kind teacher! And still I - in a school uniform and a tie at me as at the father!
2006. I with mother go on cheese cakes in the resort to Korobitsyno. And it is my girlfriend Ulyana, she too with us rides. I such cheerful today!
Ya closed a latest album. The smile does not descend from a face. I did not notice that pain ceased. Not that, which physical, and that which is stronger. I can look with optimism without fear in the future now. How there were circumstances farther, I will have forces and there will be a pleasure. I will be able always to return happy moments of motherhood, with love examining photos of my son as if scrolling in memory and before eyes the movie of his childhood. And if happiness mother is given me to become again, then it will become the most expensive award for patience, for desire, for hopes, for dreams.Once I read
that children HAVE TO NOTHING to us. And it is the truth. Because in exchange for the birth they give us HAPPINESS of MOTHERHOOD which will not be compared to anything.
I now I can dream only of one: besides happiness to be mother of the son to learn happiness to be the daughter`s mother. Wish me, please, that and occurred.