Rus Articles Journal

We are with you one blood... You decided “to present“

to yourself one more child... You are sure that you will have enough forces to grow up and bring up two or three children. You want to take in hands of the tiny kid again. And maybe, so it turned out, and you not against. Anyway, in your family addition is expected!

Adults expect appearance of the new family member not only with pleasure, but also with concern., It seems, all managed to be prepared. Even the smallest was told about future brother or the sister, explained how it will be remarkable, and presented a special gift. But nevertheless: how “to enter“ into a family of younger and not to injure at the same time the senior? How to support him that he did not feel thrown, unnecessary, superfluous? How to teach children to be brothers and sisters, to exist nearby for the rest of the life, without offending “neighbor“? Jealousy - painful feeling, and adults have to try to facilitate experiences of the senior child and to help it to get used to the new course of events.

What occurs?

Of course, you very much tried to prepare the child for appearance of the newborn and calmed down a little when you noticed that he together with you began to rejoice to this event. However soon after your return home his pleasure was replaced by bad mood, irritation and whims: he looks at the newborn with grief, often cries and asks to you on hands. All this means that he cannot get used to appearance of the younger child, to change of the place in a family. Really, still it was the only thing, and now has to share with someone the rights for mother`s attention, the father`s help, grandmother`s admiration! It always was youngest, and now it is necessary to concede the privileges to another! Such concessions are given not so simply, and, because that their everything - should be done, any confidence in justice of world around can reel: “We so did not agree!“ By the way, many children in response to such injustice have a seditious thought: “Carry the baby there from where brought, and let everything will return on the places!“

Quite naturally that during accustoming the senior child feels some confusion, looks for new ways of interaction with people around and tries to find again reeled confidence. At the beginning of its relation to the events it is impossible to call jealousy: the kid just became puzzled and tries to investigate a new situation to find in it the place. Why not to begin to behave the same as this newly appeared baby who so is pleasant to all? Why not to demand to itself a pacifier or a small bottle if this new favourite of adults quite so eats? And maybe, there is a sense again to return to diapers? And whether it is better again to begin to creep - can, in it advantage of the younger brother or sister is hidden?

It is very important to p to pay attention to how your senior child tries to be small. If he creeps with interest and pleasure, then, most likely, once again “tries on“ on himself an old way of movement and behavior. Approximately through one - two weeks he will be convinced that it is more convenient and more pleasant to go “legs“, to run and talk “on - to the adult“. Have patience and just observe its experiments. Remember that the senior child has to define anew the place in a family as its provision of “only thing“ or “smallest“ appears busy other child. However, if the kid often and unjustly cries, persistently tries to draw your attention to the “children`s“ tricks, it means that he does not manage to cope independently with the experiences and it needs your help.

What is jealousy?

Having got into such situation, the child most of all is afraid that it will cease to be loved. And the heaviest experience which it faces is jealousy to younger. Unfortunately, the feeling of jealousy in such situation is inevitable, and it is necessary to help the child to overcome it.

Most often parents continue to treat the senior with former love and tenderness, however the child endures appearance of one more family member in own way. He notices that time to it is given less that mother, having exempted from work, a phone conversation or the book, hurries not to it, and to other kid. The child hears tender words which were always turned to him earlier, but now mother and the grandmother tell them to other being. Suddenly it stopped being “sun“, “pleasure“ and “pusechka“, and some peeping paper bag took control of these epithets!

as a result the senior child feels

left and thrown, and younger perceives as the happy rival who unduly appropriated love and delights of parents. And here the child gives vent to the feelings, offense that is shown in infinite whims, protests, crying on any, sometimes to the most insignificant occasion. And still the kid begins to show a defiance to the sister or the brother which is sometimes replaced by irritation even rage.

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Besides, the child tries to explain what occurs in own way. It as though asks parents questions: “Why you need one more kid if you already have I?“ “Perhaps, I am insufficiently good and I do not arrange you any more, time you decided to bring another?!“ And the most unpleasant that the kid himself finds confirmation to this “cry from the heart“:“ Of course, I am not loved any more because at me it is full of shortcomings: and I not always wash hands, and I pay and I am not able to tie laces, and hair at me not curly“.

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to cope with this mood, to the child needs the help. For example, it is possible to help it to overcome doubts if in advance to begin to discuss appearance of one more kid. It is better to make it while the decision to give birth to the child became for you clear and firm especially as nine months are an and so too big term for the little man. Try to relieve the child of feeling that important family decisions were made behind his back and without its participation. However you remember that parents have to be always ready to take the responsibility for the decision and not to shift it to the kid at all. Otherwise it can turn out that in response to: “We decided to present to you the sister!“ - you will hear:“ Well, presented. Now give it back, it is not necessary to me any more and I and did not ask it at all“. Explain better that you want that in a family there were several children and all of them could be on friendly terms - in spite of the fact that all different, everything has to be good. Try to add to it still some words about the purposes of creation of a big family clear to the child.

In a ceremony of the first acquaintance to the newborn the difficult moments are. In - the first, the child within several days did not see mother, in - the second, now she appeared, but not one, and in the company of the new kid. To warn possible problems, surely tell starshenky that some time will not be at home you, but to you it will be possible “to come on a visit“. At a meeting pay as much as possible attention to the senior, he missed without you, your attention and participation. How you will caress him, ask how he lives and what was engaged all this time in, acquaint him with the new family member. Allow to consider small, to touch, take (if the senior is already rather strong and dexterous for this purpose), the main thing - do not force it to do what he does not want.

Prepare that most of all senior child will be puzzled by lack of any clear reactions at the kid who will not be delighted to the received gifts, will not get out of a bed to play, and at all will tell nothing. Two-year-old Vanya was terribly disappointed that the sister did not thank him for the presented bear. He was ready even to take offense, but parents promised him in time that she will tell thanks when a little grows up. Several months later Vanya very much was delighted to the fact that Tanechka smiled to the presented bear and itself reached for it.

If the senior child helps you to look after small, do not hesitate to thank him. Most likely, it does it that to be closer to you. But this help will help it to transfer a good attitude to you to the brother or the sister. Try not to frighten off the senior child from younger words: “Only microbes you will bring!“ “Carefully, you will hurt!“ . Show better how it is possible to stroke the kid how to shake a carriage how to feed from a small bottle. Allow to do it only in the presence of adults and try not to leave children of one in the room.

would not exaggerate a problem

What “dramatic“ there was an appearance of the younger child for the senior, nevertheless life goes on, and in it there are also other important events. Eventually, toys, books and school are not less important, than diapers, rattles and nipples. Try to focus not too attention on experiences of the child concerning the baby, find better time to talk to it about other things or to play. If you try to show too the love and to explain to the senior as you appreciate him, it will only engender suspicion that mother actually justifies herself and, probably, here something not so.

it is Very important to notice possible aggression of the senior in time. If the child suddenly began to show rage, to say that he ugly, the crybaby, nasty, you need to allow it to express the feelings and to help with them to understand. Perhaps, the senior is disappointed that he cannot play with the kid in any way, maybe, he grudged a toy or maybe he missed something. If aggression is expressed in actions, it is necessary to limit the child strictly: “You can become angry, can complain to me, but your behavior is inadmissible. We love both of you and we do not want that to someone from you it was bad“.

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Often important support for the senior child is given by the father who at appearance of the newborn too for some time fades into the background. He is able to teach the child to cope with a situation:“ Mother now is more busy by Asya, but we - that with you know that she loves us too. Just now it is very difficult for it to show it“.

do not forget

also about younger!

is more clear and closer than

of Experience of the senior to adults, but you should not forget about small which needs the things, toys, tender names too. It should study not enjoy the help and support of the senior too, but also to reckon with his interests, to be grateful, to respect the brother or the sister. And still it needs your love.

If you try not to compare children, it will be more useful to both of them. It is also important to remember that so far their relations did not develop, they have to nothing each other. Try not to force children to do something for another - it will help to avoid sense of guilt and experience of own inferiority. If you manage to create the general space for kids where everyone will feel necessary and favourite, you will be rewarded by their tenderness, mutual understanding and proximity which will remain for the rest of life.