Where it, happiness of motherhood?
Story about a postnatal depression of
my small to a schastyitsa, my dochechka darling, my Olechka dear... Just imagine, still this morning it was pushed with the tiny handles - legs at me in a stomach, and now sladenko snuffles in the transparent roddomovsky cradle standing near my bed. Really all fears and alarms behind, and I, at last, became a mother?
there Came night, and I cannot still fall asleep, I am afraid “to leave the baby unguarded“. And suddenly, while I sleep, it srygnt, will choke? Will cry, call suddenly me, and I will not hear?.
in the Morning Olechka wakes up, and I first of all put it to a breast. There now, she already learned to suck! Then I try to get out of a bed. It is necessary, the head is not turned at all, and I stand quite firmly on feet! (Yesterday the whole day after the delivery all my attempts came to an end rising what in eyes darkened, and I in a subconscious state fell on a bed.)
Ya awfully I worry. Olechka is the first baby with whom I had to deal. Such crumb - I do not know as to handle it! And nearby there is neither mother, nor the girlfriend, there is nobody to help, to prompt, explain...
But everything appears not so difficult. To wash, change a diaper, to swaddle if cries - to feed... Especially, Olechka (probably, feeling my confused state) behaved very quietly and while I puffed, having inclined over her and trying to understand, where to palm off edge of a diaper, fell asleep directly on a pelenalny little table.
us with the daughter is written out Next day home.
Hurrah! At last we houses! “Newly made“ grandmothers fuss, the father shines with happiness.
- You should lie! - in eager rivalry they assure me and bring directly to a bed a plate with food and an obligatory cup of tea with milk “for a lactation“. - Have a rest and gain strength.
- Still what! I am not going to lie - I perfectly feel!
- Well it is necessary! - my mother was surprised. - I just do not trust the eyes: gave birth to only two back, and already at home, and you can even sit! (In its representation childbirth surely comes to an end with seams, and this fate, fortunately, bypassed me.)I felt
A and really it is excellent! I had a feeling as if upon return from maternity hospital new life began. My God, what happiness - to get with legs on a chair: the stomach does not disturb, the back does not hurt, the swelled legs do not ache. And how many the delight was when I later after the delivery could get a week into the favourite jeans!
- You so changed! - Sasha rejoiced. - The good mood and former sense of humour returned to you. You became such... what was when we only began to live together.
- So I any more not the pregnant woman! - carefree I laughed.
Yes, I felt as if at me wings grew behind the back! And it besides that Olechka was not a quiet child - slept badly at night, she was often disturbed by GAZ cars. I patiently got up several times in a night, carried the baby on hands, warmed it a tummy a warm diaper and felt like the happiest mother on light.
two weeks So proceeded.
A then... as if something fused in me. Euphoria disappeared somewhere, there were only a weight, melancholy and intolerable, boundless fatigue. Such fatigue which I had never to test in life...
Hot July day. We come back from Olechkaya from policlinic. Now to take a cool shower, to drink something cold and to lie down though for a while.“ I will lay Olechka, and itself I will have a rest“ - I plan. Having fed the daughter, I put in a bed. That instantly wakes up with the indignant shout. To Bor on hands, I swing again, again I put. Again wakes up, shouts. So repeats many times, to full exhaustion.
Night... From a bed dissatisfied crying of the baby reaches. I approach, I take on hands, I give a breast. After Olechk`s feeding does not fill up at once, it is necessary to carry it on hands. Having waited when she falls asleep, I shift in a bed. In an hour the daughter wakes up again, and everything repeats. And so several times in a night. At daybreak, having completely grown weak, I awake Sasha.
- Take Olya, - I ask. - I awfully want to sleep.
Sasha obediently takes away Olechka and goes with it to other room. I, having clung to a pillow, instantly I fall asleep. But pleasure lasts not for long - soon the husband comes back, carrying the baby on hands.
- Cries, - he perplexed admits. - Probably, wants to eat...
Sunday. Thirty seven degrees in a shadow! My God, as everything is heated what closeness! It seems, my head here - here will burst from an intolerable heat and fatigue. Apparently, weather affects also Olechka. A solid hour I swing a carriage - the girl cannot fall asleep in any way. Here, apparently, closed eyes. At last! In a couple of minutes opens eyes. Cries... I diligent shake a carriage. Olechka calms down, but soon crying is resumed with a new force. The daughter only at me on hands calms down.
- Take it, - I ask Sasha. - I was so tired!
Become silent was Olechka, having appeared on hands at the father, again cannot stop shout.
- My God! That you for the father if you cannot calm the child! - in despair I shout, and, having left in a huff, I run out on a landing. In a minute, naturally, I come back.
- Mother swears, - Sasha sadly tells the crying Olechka. - Oh, as swears...
Same day, in the evening. We come from Olechkaya for walk. Legs at me absolutely wadded, in the head fog - from the sleep debt which became chronic. I look in a carriage where, covered with a lacy pink blanket, Olechka snuffles. “Well it is necessary, - I sadly grin about myself. - Still quite recently, having seen such charming baby in pink laces, I would die of envy“. It was remembered how to a wedding, during our walks, I out of the corner of the eye looked in the carriages passing by then I “exasperated“ Sasha: “You saw what charm! In pink - probably, the girl! And I want...“.“ Will be, there will be to you a girl“, - Sasha in reply indulgently smiled...
From a carriage Olechkin shout reaches.
- If she does not become silent now... - I begin to fly into a rage.- is more silent, more silent than
, - Sasha confusedly touches me for a sleeve. - We on the street, people look.
having Fatefully waved a hand, I pull out the daughter from a carriage...
It is natural, the similar behavior of Olechki causes a number of comments from outside.
- That you jump to it on each peep! - my father is indignant. - Put in a bed - will cry and will calm down. You so completely with it will be exhausted!
- As you can advise me it?! - I choke with indignation.
- Listen to me - I, in my opinion, never before advised anything bad to you!
- On hands you carry all the time? - venomously the mother`s acquaintance who came to us notices. - Oh, she to you still will allow to light!
- You consider, - one more “dobrozhelatelnitsa“ warns me. - Now it weighs four kilograms, and then will be ten-kilogram! You will accustom to hands what you will do?
- Same it is necessary! - my friend laughs. - Such small, and so constructed all. Good fellow, Olka, so all of them! You what you think, it do not understand? She - e - e understands all! Perfectly understands that it should hnyknut only as all - both mother, and the father, and the grandmother - all will begin to dance around it! So, do not take offense, but you are guilty that so the child was spoiled.
- You it is not ridiculous? - the same girlfriend in several days asks. - How many here is this Olya? Fifty three centimeters! And you cannot cope with it! What will you do when it grows up?
“I do not know that I will do further! - bitterly I reflect. - I cannot cope with the child. Mother, what of me?“
... Again I a solid hour try to put Olechka to bed. While I pace with it the room - it seems sleeps, but once I stop, instantly opens eyes.
- You will sleep or not? - having finally lost patience, I literally throw the baby in a bed. Desperate roar...
Looking at the daughter overstraining from shout, I with horror catch myself on thought that I want to knock it on this moment. In life would not think that I will sometime want to hit the child, especially, of such tiny. Would tell who - would not believe for anything... My God that I for mother!
I again sleepless night. At daybreak I do not stand on the feet any more, and Olechka literally drops out at me of hands. In despair I call mother.
- Come to me though for a while! - I beg. - If I do not have a sleep at least fifteen minutes, then I will fall down.
Mother comes, takes away Olechka, and some time I enjoy blissful rest...
- And what you wanted? - parents shoulders in response to all my complaints shrug. - The child - not a toy. You think, you at its age differently behaved?
- I was tired! I want to sleep! - I pay.
- I, I... Yes you are just spoiled egoist who got used to think only of herself!“They are right
, I really the egoist. And awful mother, - I come to a final conclusion. - Instead of regretting the child, such small, such helpless which the tummy hurts I am angry, irritated and I think only of that, as if most to sleep!“by
my mother-in-law Very much supports me. Comes nearly an every day, helps about the house, potters with the granddaughter.- Give
I will sit from Olechkaya, - she offers. - And you will have a sleep so far.I transfer by
With gratitude the baby to the grandmother and I go to myself to a bedroom. Minutes through five Olechkin crying reaches me.I cannot hear
Ya how my child cries! But also I cannot rise, approach it too. I bury the person in a pillow and I pay - bitterly, violently. Why all so? How many I dreamed of this child as I waited for him as rejoiced to his birth! And now I do not test in relation to it anything, except rage and irritation. The girl all the time cries, it cannot be put for a minute in a bed, and I... I as without hands, I cannot make anything on the house, I have no opportunity even normally to eat and be washed, I forgot already at all what is books and the TV, I will fall down from soon - for constant a sleep debt! And the most awful is in what is unknown how many it will proceed, and my forces already ran low...
- be not upset, - the mother-in-law calms me. - The girl grows! All children about three months often cry. And you present how soon you will play dolls, to watch animated films, to listen to children`s songs and to read fairy tales. As you will drive Olechka in a zoo and to buy ice cream...
My God! When it is? Where it is illusory happiness of motherhood?
... Olechke is executed month. Celebrating the first anniversary of the baby, we gather all family at a table and we watch a roddomovsky videotape. Here Olechka is wrapped in a touching pink envelope. Here Sasha the shivering hands takes a parcel... I look, and tears a hail slide from eyes. What happy I was then! And now I as if a squeezed orange, I do not test anything, except exinanition, depression, fatigue and immense sense of guilt from - for the fact that I could not become for Olechki good mother.
“So cannot proceed further! - I solve. - Unless for this purpose I gave birth to the child? I will make everything that to us from Olechkaya was comfortably with each other“.I listen to
Ya of nobody any more. I carry Olechka on hands so much how many she asks. I feed her on the first peep. If I feel that was strongly tired, simply I lay down on a bed, and I attach Olechka or at myself on a stomach, or near by. Having warmed in my embraces, the daughter falls asleep, and I can take a nap, read the book meanwhile or just lie down blindly. Twenty - thirty minutes of such rest usually are enough for me to restore forces.
Staying constantly at me on hands and having “unlimited access“ to a breast, Olechka feels quite comfortably and practically ceases to cry. And I, in turn, cease to exhaust myself gloomy thoughts.
A at night... At night we, naturally, too sleep with Olechka together, and - about a miracle! - really I at last began to get enough sleep, really I ceased to be ready to drop from fatigue?
By the way as soon as we began to sleep normally at night, day of business took a turn for the better too.
... Here I sit on a balcony, I swing a carriage from Olechkaya. That cannot fall asleep in any way. “Will fall asleep, will not get to anywhere!“ - I assure myself, and, continuing to shake a carriage, I go deep into reading the magazine. After a while reaches me posapyvany daughters.Olechk`s
gets used to sleep on a balcony. Gets used not to sit at me constantly on hands, and when I am busy, to play in a bed or on a rug. Ceases to cry at night. Not at once, gradually. Gradually from the whimsical, constantly shouting being it turns into the charming, mobile and cheerful baby with a charming toothless smile and dimples on cheeks, communication with whom gives all of us the sea of pleasure.
A I gradually learn to understand the daughter, to distinguish her mood, to guess desires...
Again Olechka cannot fall asleep. I turn on the favourite music and I carry the girl on the room, quietly singing. The daughter falls asleep at me on hands, and I carefully shift her in a bed. The baby turns a head on a flank, and, having buried a nose in a blanket edge, continues to sleep. I sit down nearby, I iron Olechkina ringlets, I watch how she smacks the lips sponges in a dream as eyelashes shudder... What all - happiness - to be mother!