Rus Articles Journal

The virtual novel

In recent years the World wide web strongly entered our life, became a habitual, everyday and integral part of life. For a long time it is not a new experience fast programs of communication, a web - chambers, the Internet - shops. Numerous dating sites do not arouse a snicker mistrust and sidelong glances any more, and are perceived rather as clubs on interests, easy entertaining parties. Lungs for the time being...

We fell in love with the Internet for the fact that it goes in step with our employment, with mad modern rates when often there is not enough time for acquaintances, meetings and long conversations in real life. The network gives the magic chance to arrange private life “on the job“. And, it seems, everything turns out very harmoniously.

People got acquainted, say, in a chat, or at a forum. Couple of words:“ Oh, we are so similar whether you have ICQ or e - mail“? And already these two communicate privately, having retired among an infinite great number of users. The finest begins in the virtual novel: disclosure of souls. It turns out that surprisingly sincere and trustful person sits in front of other computer. Such what I am. He as well as I, was afraid to open, but, having felt a soulmate, he made up the mind to this step. And I, I decided too.

of the Person is covered by infinite surprise: how it can be what the only person on all planet, that which, without doubts, your half, found you in this mad web, in this ocean eager to meet the happiness?

then the new thought is born

I:“ It is destiny“. There is a conviction that lovers went to each other all life, went long, through buyerak of disappointments. Life to the meeting which stirred up soul reveals absolutely from other, sign party, understanding comes that all last negative experience is invaluable because it brought two who are looking for in one point. Mysticism, coincidence, presentiments heat to is red “ICQ“, “merinda“, “messengers“, and the raging foam of true love runs promptly on veins of a world wide web.

Dizziness. Passion. General plans. Oaths. First phone call... and... as a rule, there is some kickback. It turns out what to tell by phone more terrible and more constraining. It turns out that in a tube - an unfamiliar voice. It turns out that language turns into stone, and refuses to submit when it is so necessary to tell an unfamiliar voice the word:“ I love“.

But it it does not matter. It is fixable. Unless communication by phone with the most outstanding, most unique person on light can not be pleasant? And at this moment of people persuades himself. Auto-suggestion “he is the best person on light“ which came easily earlier (except for situations when “ideal“ wrote something not that... but it it not really, it without having thought... it can and be not noticed), now demands conscious self-arrangements. The person convinces himself that still everything is pleasant to him in this person. And not just it is pleasant, and it is pleasant more and more. Perhaps, somewhere at heart he understands that he was mistaken, so recklessly having ennobled this person. But there is no wish to recognize the mistake. It is similar to recognition in nonsense, in immaturity. And it continues this game.

“Me everything is pleasant to

in virtual darling. Both photos are pleasant, and the voice is pleasant and when this person becomes old and sick - it all the same will be the most favourite, and only the death will separate us. Yes, I know all these identical stories the Internet - acquaintances, but here is how time my history - unique, so not similar to everything“ - so argues the emotional beginning, trying to muffle a skeptical voice of reason.

A then there comes the most heartrending experience - a meeting. Why heavy? Because there are too much expectations because there are too much representations, hopes. Because once in the childhood as darling the prince was represented, and all who met till this time, as ill luck would have it, refused to be princes. Snored, watched TV, vanished with friends, did not give flowers.

But this - will be by all means best of all than

on light. Because cannot be differently. Because kind fairy tales about love always come to an end with a wedding.

However, it should be noted what nevertheless seldom reaches a meeting. And those who managed - to endure disappointment of a meeting (or to taste its charm that infrequently occurs) and to reconcile to imperfection of the elect (darling), can make quite happy couple, celebrate a wedding, raise kids and with love to remember the fatal forum - a chat - conference. There is a lot of such examples.

nevertheless have more than

But stories with the sad final. Or they are more noticeable because the same forums and chats dazzle with sad stories of unfortunate love. Mailboxes of psychologists are replenished with cries from the heart, new pain, a despair hopelessness... The prince charming either was gone, or it was not the beautiful, moreover, villain it appeared: offended, changed, did not equal hopes.

Here typical history, as like as two peas similar to chains of other same stories, with which to me as to the practicing psychologist, even more often it is necessary to face.

“Always considered

that acquaintances on the Internet - it is frivolous, false, and the real relations and feelings will not turn out, besides there is an opinion that thus only not self-assured people get acquainted with a set of complexes. But, somehow I decided to visit a dating site, is pure out of curiosity, and... incidentally saw the young man, his questionnaire - in me as though the lightning lit. I answered it.

to

to It liked my letters, me - it. He lives in other city, but he told that it even plus that we romanticism lives in the different cities as it “urges on“, etc. We exchanged photos. Wrote each other long letters every day very detailed, confidential, warm. I really fell in love with him! All the being understood that it - IT! - my one and only, it was ready to give for it everything! (Though we never met in real life, probably this my very precipitate statement, from - for inexperience, probably, but I so feel.)

U both of us. He called me several times, thought to arrive to me for the weekend, to meet, so to speak, in life, to look in eyes each other. On this last conversation communication with it broke. He already here does not write two weeks me, does not call, there is no news. I very much worry. And here... could not restrain, the first (as if reminded of herself from what I feel a little ill at ease, the man, but not the woman has to try to obtain love) wrote to it, took an interest: whether everything at it is good. It came true in the letter - the answer that it has a lot of work, a work involving all hands behind a work involving all hands, minutes free.

Any more he wrote nothing

to me. Full silence. There are no letters, silence in a tube. I decided that I am not necessary to it. Decided to overcome the female pride and once again to write it the letter as now I understand already, not absolutely peaceful maintenance: I presented it with a choice - whether he sees us together or not, or it does not need all this. After this letter three days (and it is the whole eternity for me) were not either the answer, or greetings.

But here still every other day I receive from it the short letter where he says that it is very pleasant to it to receive letters from me. Wrote that “broke“, he cannot do without woman half a year and “exchanged a pursuit of dream (i.e. me) on something terrestrial, household“, the fact that nearby, we cannot meet yet, we live in the different cities“.

the Broken hearts, confused girls, disappointments, fear of the new relations. Then that virtual love - often a chain of consecutive disappointments, alas.

to

the Main risk group having chance to become the victims of such relations - girls who were brought up without father and were subject to maternal suggestion: “The man has to be ideal“ which followed from private:“ Your father was a pilot and carried us on hands“, or opposite:“ All men of the swine“. Such installations push the girl to reject boyfriends without white horses.

their main problem is the fact that they are not ready to accept the ordinary, terrestrial man in the life. In stories which we consider the “truth“ acquired since the childhood plays mean jokes with such girls. At the Internet - correspondence we involuntarily dream much. Write us the phrase, and we subconsciously beat it - intonation, a mimicry with which it has to sound. Thus, unconsciously, the person who sits in front of other computer becomes that ideal which we looked for.

80% of information we obtain

In real life not verbally (that is by means of a mimicry, gestures and a pantomimika), and only 20% - by means of words. You understand what occurs? To 20% of what was heard from that young man the girl in love finished drawing 80% of ideas of the ideal. Conclusion - she loves at all not the one whom she thinks that she loves. She loves the phantom. All its trouble not that it moves away from it. Your trouble that her elect does not exist. She cannot dismiss not the person, and the one whom she invented.

Similar stories can occur not only in the virtual relations, but all - percent doomed failure idealizations above in those situations, when there is no an opportunity at once to make the general opinion on the person - on a mimicry, on a behavior manner, tone and a timbre of a voice. Eventually, between people a certain spark which is possible only at personal, real-life communication with each other has to slip.

What turns out? What is the girl who received a certain education in an incomplete family doomed to similar failures? At all not. For this purpose there is a work on itself, personal growth, introspection.

to the girl, Inclined to idealization of object of attachment, needs to learn to be reconciled by

with shortcomings and imperfection of people. And it is necessary to begin this acceptance with itself, having recognized both the advantages, and the shortcomings and imperfections. Then she will be able objectively to estimate the person, will be able to fall in love with the ordinary, terrestrial man and to be happy near him.

That such sad stories was has less than

, mothers who were forced to raise one the daughters have to be especially correct. Always there is a wish that the child grew happy that did not worry that the father left a family, and this desire often pushes mother to stories about “the legendary father“. But the child has the right for the truth. He will not be happy if it is run all over from reality.

Other extreme peculiar to lonely women - wishing to warn the daughter about possible mistakes, mothers draw horrific images of characters of bulk of men, often doing it on the example of the father, fixing desire to meet the most ideal man and to avoid other, “ordinary“ men in the daughter.

Whatever occurred in a family, the child has to know the truth about what was the father. Mothers difficult happens to abstract for offense, but it has to give an objective portrait. To tell what was good in it and that was not really, emphasizing that each person happens to be mistaken, stumble. It is optional to devote the child in horrors which pushed to a gap, to tell about volume unpleasant what caused offense of mother. It is rather simple to depict warm, positive (but not ideal) shape of the father before his offense, having just noted that circumstances changed their family that joint life did not develop, and in it there is nothing terrible and tragic. That ahead - there are a lot of happy days and prospects, both at mother, and at the daughter.

Knowing

about the father`s advantages, the girl, of course, will regret that she was died so, but not differently. But she will not take it painfully, will not test to it hatred and disgust which part will transfer to men. Knowing about its shortcomings, she will not idealize it, will not tear off the idea of future husband from reality. Such girl will be more tolerant and indulgent to imperfection of people, and without this condescension it is very difficult to estimate adequately reality, and the easiest way to cope with they are to plunge into the magic world of imaginations and dreams that, having presented the heart to the beautiful virtual stranger, painfully to fail in a pain whirlpool, having broken pink glasses.

Mature, emotionally steady people will hardly get involved in a similar unpleasant incident. In what way they would not get acquainted, they have rather realistic view of people to understand initially - they communicate not with a deity, not with someone superunusual. They know that they communicate with the person in whom everything cannot be pleasant, than he possesses. And if they accept it - that is accepted at once also by its shortcomings. And here such communication and the truth can be the life long fairy tale.