How it is correct to bring up the son?
Each mother does everything that her child grew healthy and happy and if in a family the son - tries to bring up its strong and courageous. However sometimes these efforts lead to opposite result - the boy grows not self-assured, closed, it does not have relations with friends, he gives in to difficulties. How to avoid mistakes in education of sons? The most widespread questions of parents are answered by the psychologist Olga Voronova and the teacher Vita Viktorova.
1. Very few people from parents want that their son went to serve to army. At the same time it is considered that in army the boy becomes the real man as the service tempers character. How to be?
the Army accustoms to discipline, organization, ability to cope with difficulties. On the other hand, an outrage which is created in our army bear threat for health of the young man. And hardly anyone will condemn you if you find different ways to teach the son to self-discipline and patriotism. Sports activities will help it to feel strong, lack of the increased parental guardianship will make independent, and patriotism takes root first of all in a family. But if so it happened that your boy is taken away in army, adjust him on the fact that within two years he will live under absolutely other laws and it is better to adapt to these laws, than to protest against them. Explain to him that the hazing (against which the army administration not especially fights) is present not only at Russia, but also in other much more civilized countries and it is directed to “beating out“ identity because a basis of army - implicit submission to orders from the soldier. Young men with strongly developed “I“ suffer more than the others. That these did not turn 2 years into a nightmare, the child has to possess good physical training, to be rather sociable and loyal to those who surround it.
2. What to do if the boy behaves aggressively - fights, offends other children?to
Aggression is inherent in both girls, and boys, but boys can show it more openly - it from time immemorial was considered as normal and was encouraged while softness and compliance were considered as a shortcoming. Boys aggressively defend the place in collective, fight for leadership. But too high level of aggression can speak about uncertainty in itself. The “whole world against me“ installation speaks about absence of feeling of safety, and the feeling it is formed in a family. If parents (mother first of all) treat the son with love, do not push away the kid when to him it is terrible, do not shout at him, do not suppress - the feeling of safety at the son is present. Otherwise there are an uneasiness, fear of the world. And further depending on specific features the child can battle against this hostile world or hide from it, fawn upon it. Sometimes the increased aggression - a consequence of excess of energy which is suppressed different norms and etiquette. “Do not run, do not rustle, sit quietly!“ - as a result the child goes outside and fights with the first who slantwise looked at him. If your son grows at the big squabbler, it is necessary to work in two directions at once. The first - to give an energy output, that is to write down the son in sports section. Then aggression will be directed to the normal course and will bring to the child benefit - he will become more self-assured, will feel force. The second direction - psychological. It is necessary to respect and love the child that he tested rest and a peace of mind, then he will not need to trace a surrounding situation to stop any hostile attacks. In a word, if the parents understanding and benevolent if the consent and mutual respect reign in a family, the world seems to the child friendly and he does not battle against it.
3. How to distinguish tendency to homosexuality at the son and how to fight against it?by
Still conduct disputes, tendency to homosexuality is congenital or acquired. This tendency can be expressed in what at the boy is broken on - lorolevy behavior - he does not want to approve actively himself in collective, shows sensitivity, feels in the company of girls more comfortably, with pleasure plays their typical games - puts to bed toys, feeds them, sews them clothes, and refuses flatly machines etc. On character such boys more tender, vulnerable and sensitive, than their peers. They do not like to fight, give in to obvious aggression, but at the same time like to be the focus of attention. Children in whom there is a lot of a narcissism, that is narcissism also are inclined to homosexuality. However for concern there are bases only if all these strangenesses are shown in a complex. Besides, it is necessary to remember that accurate understanding of the floor comes at the child to years to 4 - 5, and to this age children only compare themselves to age-mates and adults, trying to find similarities and distinctions. At the same time kids show huge curiosity that sometimes guards and frightens adults. However there is no reason for experiences, as a rule. If obvious violations remain also in 8 - 9 years, it is already possible to address for consultation the expert who will define whether there is a problem and as with it to be. Violation of sexual orientation at boys is influenced by the following factors: dislike from the father or his absence in the child`s lives (the unrealized need for this love will remain, and the boy will look for it at other adult men), desire of parents to have the girl and unconscious imposing to the son of female behavior model, ill treatment from mother (in this case the boy perceives women as a potential source of humiliation and avoids them).
If you understood that your son has a nonconventional orientation, or noticed tendency to it, do not shout at it, do not punish, and understand the reasons (perhaps, it is necessary to change own behavior) and delicately correct behavior of the son. But anyway you remember that it is your child and you should not reject him under no circumstances.
- Too severe relation for the sake of courage education. Boys, in the same way as well as to girls, need love, caress, care, attention.
- Desire to bring up the child in his own image, ignoring specific features.
- of Quarrel between parents in the face of the son.
- Presentation to the child of too high requirements (“You are a boy!“ ), to which it cannot correspond.
- the Connivance to any whim, overindulgence (especially, if the boy - the younger child in a family).
- Absence of sequence in education (punish for the same behavior or an act, praise). to
- Inconsistency in education between parents - one allows, another forbids.
- Comparison with other children and their reduction as an example, criticism.
- Continuous imposing of negative installations (“Do not run quickly, and that you will fall“, “You will badly study - you will become the janitor“).
- Training in sciences to the detriment of physical training (the boy has to be physically strong and hardy).
- Lack of a personal positive example.
4. The son for days on end is at the computer. How to disaccustom him to it?
Dependence on the computer appears at those children who in general are inclined to dependence. Someone becomes dependent on drugs, someone - on alcohol, others - on the Internet. It is important to understand that all above-mentioned is a leaving from real life to the world fictional. And the children who are not feeling love of parents become the victims of these addictions, as a rule. It does not mean at all that parents do not care for them. But this care is expressed not in what is necessary for the child. Purchase of things, payment of education are not connected in understanding of children with love. To love - means to pay attention, to respect, listen to problems. If it your son receives nothing, he gives rise feeling of own uselessness, loneliness, lostness. From here the aspiration to go to the world, “where everything is easy“.
5. How the father has to behave to bring up the normal son?
the Behaviour of the father has huge value in education of the boy because the example it shows how the man in these or those situations has to behave. If the father - the head of the family, the son is guided by this model and, most likely, will want to play a leader role in a family which will establish. But if at the same time the father is rough and tyrannizes relatives, the child will feel deficiency of love that can undermine his self-confidence - among representatives of the floor he will feel weak and vulnerable. Too soft father at imperious mother can build up character at which the boy will be subconsciously afraid of women, will become the henpecked or it will develop Don Juan`s syndrome. First of all the ideal father has to be loving, but at the same time accustom to discipline. The father has to keep the word and go to a zoo if promised. In general, the principle is simple here - everything that you want to impart to the son, show on the example and involve the child in this process. Also you remember the principle of golden mean - too severe education (the child perceives it as tyranny) or granting a full freedom of action (the son will consider that you are indifferent) are undesirable. As for feeling of male full value, that the boy did not have complexes, the father has to be the valid, loving and beloved husband as the harmonious relations between parents - pledge of happy family life of the son.
6. My son has an awkward age. It became irritable, reserved. How it is correct to behave with it?
the Awkward age is very important period when the psychological feeling of the teenager changes. He actively looks for the “I“, tries to find the place among peers, compares himself to them, thinks of meaning of life. At the same time there is a reorganization of an organism, there comes the time of the first love. All this bears huge psychological loading. From here - irritability, change of behavior, depressions. Very important during this period not to lose contact with the son. It is not necessary to climb to it in soul or to trace, than he is engaged where he goes with whom is on friendly terms, he will share details of the life if trusts you. Of course, from its party it is necessary to think of trust much earlier, but at this moment show wisdom and do not try to pacify the raged character. With the boy be delicate, do not deride his fears, doubts (“That for nonsense you bear?“, “What love in 15 years?“ ). If he knows that you are always ready to listen to him and to come to the rescue, he will not be closed and you will be able to control a situation.
7. The real man is associated with wars, the defender, the noble knight. How in the son to cultivate courage?
Times when the man up in arms protected a family and the house, passed. Courage still in the price, but modern living conditions impose on the stronger sex a bit different requirements - it is necessary to protect not so much fists, how many mind and flexibility. Today the successful man has to possess the qualities which are traditionally registered for women: sociability, ability to catch mood of the interlocutor, ability to sympathize. Therefore the education of the son focused on classical courage rather will complicate to it life, than will facilitate. The boy has to feel confident and know that he is capable to protect himself and the relatives, but modern girls do not suffer “owner“ in the house any more - they want to be independent, independent, demand sincere keenness and are not ready to play a role of the classical housewife. And advance on work often depends not on the direct pressure and adherence to principles, and on ability to maneuver and keep in touch with people. So from the modern young man wait not for brutality, but leadership skills in combination with flexibility and keenness.
8. How to bring up the winner - the son who will be successful?
unconditionally, presently huge value has a good education therefore parents save up money for good school, institute, courses. But, unfortunately, it is only not enough education that, having gained the diploma, the son got good job and would become -
stro to move ahead on a career ladder. There is not enough also talent. There is an expression that the destiny is a character. Character does the person successful. The boy surely has to be self-assured, know that the solution of a difficult task within its powers. Also cultivate diligence in the son. But at education of these qualities it is necessary to consider specific features of the child. For example, if it live, mobile, restless, then is not present sense to force it to pore for hours over textbooks - so you will only discourage to work.Always you say
to the son that you believe in it that at it everything will turn out, you praise it not only for brilliant results, but also for efforts even if so far they were not crowned with success. Do not hold up to it as an example other children - it you let know that it in eyes even of the closest people is worse than the others. You love it for the fact that it is, but not for the fact that he received the five. And attentively look narrowly at his hobbies - important to help the child to decide on future profession or at least to plan the sphere of future activity. Do not repeat a widespread mistake when parents impose to children in what they once wanted to be engaged. The person cannot be successful in unloved business, but can reach huge heights if it is keen on a profession. However, there is a question: how to be if the son likes business by which it is difficult to earn a living? In such situation you can correct specialty, having suggested future artist to master the designer`s profession.
9. As a rule, after divorce the child it is necessary to live with mother. How mother can replace to it the father, at least partially?
, that the son knew that it has a father and that his father - the good person with a set of advantages. It is necessary to emphasize in every possible way that the father loves the son, just owing to certain circumstances cannot live together with him. In the childhood from the closest people we acquire behavior models. And your son, looking at the events around, studies as it is necessary to behave with friends, children, relatives. In this plan absence of the father badly influences “scenario“ of future life - actually the boy does not know what in a family the husband as it is necessary to treat the woman in general and the wife in particular has to do. Understanding this problem, some women try to behave both as mother, and as the father at the same time, than finally “grease“ a picture. In such situation it is better to remain just mother and that the son had a man`s behavior model, encourage his communication with the father - forget about the offenses on the ex-husband and think only of wellbeing of the son. It is useful to communicate with married couples that the child saw how the husband and the wife behave also.
the Harmonious relations between parents - pledge of successful and happy future family life of your son!
10. In spite of the fact that the son and the daughter study at the same teachers, the relation to school and objects absolutely different. What it is connected with?to
it is Experimentally proved that even at newborn girls and boys the brain differently functions. To to school age of distinctions, according to experts it is, more, than similarities. And though and boys pass identical stages of development in each age of the girl, they, naturally, differently treat educational process. If girls are steadier, adapted to the offered terms, on average they, as a rule, study at school better, then boys are more vulnerable, it is more difficult for them to follow the established rules and behavior model. Conventional is the fact that boys and girls have a number of psychological distinctions. At the vast majority of the first, for example, are better developed visually - spatial and mathematical abilities, at the second - speech. Of course, perception of subjects and school in general too miscellaneous. Boys unlike girls always need to formulate accurately an ultimate goal of what you explain, in other words, to tell why it it is necessary to know and be able. If girls are, as a rule, more diligent and ready to perform work only because it “is so necessary“, then boys are more rational and practical in costs of study and if there is no answer to a question “why“, will not give all the best. Moreover, it is impossible to forget that at school women work generally, it affects results of training too. There is such joke (and in it a grain of truth) that the pedagogical science was created by men and the content of education at us man`s, and then men left school and the organization of education became female, from here and all troubles for boys. If it is serious, then some foreign researchers explain to these the bigger number of good schoolgirls in comparison with the number of good pupils. As it is banal sounds, but boys - pupils are not worse at all, than girls - schoolgirls, they just others, and it is never necessary to forget about it!