The little favourite of
At first my family life developed just fine: we with the husband took of each other the hint, we had no serious disagreements, we lived in peace and friendship and all right. Soon we made the decision to give birth to the child. During my pregnancy the husband was attentive and precautionary: I saw how he went all out to facilitate to me life, to dispel my fears. And when Kolya was born, the husband rolled up sleeves: and rose to feed with nights the kid, and from time to time released me to be aired with girlfriends.Pricking
- quiet, tender, appeasable by nature. From the first day he well slept, early began to smile and laugh. Whether it is worth being surprised that in two years we decided to give birth to the second. I emphasize: the decision was mutual, and the husband wanted the second child not less, than I.
during my second pregnancy the husband came home from work late, said that he was very tired. I worried that it helps me less, than during the first pregnancy, but did not begin to make rows, silently informed, quietly gave rise. The first few days the husband often ran to admire the Subject to a carriage. And through two as if forgot weeks about existence of younger. Will come from work - and to Kolya: plays with it, plays the fool, and to the Subject a leg. I asked it directly in what business. At first he answered me that he is anxious for Kolya: is afraid that the senior will begin to be jealous, will feel to nobody necessary, will begin to look at the brother as on the rival.We long said
that both sons need our caress, and the husband promised to be more attentive to the kid. He did not keep the promise. On everything the husband had an explanation. “I do not get up to it at night because I am tired. I do not play with it because he also is not able to play - that plainly, - here with Kolya interestingly and fine. Kolya is already able to talk, with him it is possible and to play a ball and to run about...“Grew at
the Subject, together with it also our family problems grew. It at heart more emotional, than Kolya, more stubborn and restless. Frankly speaking, I find in it a lot of similarity to his father, the person vigorous, active, emotional, quick-tempered and stubborn. I do not try to expose the husband in bad light - all its qualities are expensive to me, I very much love it and as it seems to me, easily I cope with its flashes of irritability and anger. But I receive from it a lot of heat, love, he is a reliable and devoted friend.
In a word, the Subject it is more similar to the father. But the father does not have enough patience to cope with Teminy attacks of obstinacy or a shkodlivost. My husband began to be irritated easily on the Subject, to shout at him. Even if it plays with the kid, are rough man`s games with which the Subject sometimes cries.to me the truth had to look at
in eyes: at us two sons grow: favourite and unloved. And here I cannot reconcile to it. As soon as I try to talk to the husband on this subject, he changes: becomes colder, closed, sharp. He refuses to recognize that he loves Kolya more, than the Subject, - he answers me that Kolya grateful and obedient, and the Subject - impudent and rebellious that it as the father is forced to show constantly the power and force to the Subject that that did not get out of hand. This explanation does not suit me, but I do not know how to explain to the husband that the peace in a family is committed breach of. When the husband is too exacting or unfair to the Subject, - I try to soften his sharpness. Therefore I allow the Subject too much. Kolya began to notice this inequality. He in four and a half years already understands that with the father at it there will pass such numbers for which to the Subject will fly. And with mother all on the contrary: mother by all means will punish him for bad behavior, and here to the Subject the similar disgrace will say goodbye. The husband shouts that I undermine his authority and I indulge younger. At home it became intense and difficult.I Will tell
to you in confidence: I do not treat my sons equally too. To me is simpler and more cheerful with Kolya, but I feel pity to unloved the father Teme and I try to caress more him. I am afraid, it is unhealthy. Not for nothing say that with each child the new love is born. Why in our case the new love turned out such dramatic that committed breach of the peace of the house? Whether it is possible to help our family somehow? >
Comments of the psychologist
With each new child the new scale of feelings of which the love consists is born p. The new family member brings rough and sometimes unexpected experiences to life. Galina very precisely noted: during the first pregnancy the husband was more precautionary to it, at night got up to the kid. Novelty of parental feeling, novel feelings, pride of own paternity, - all this urged on it.the Second child is born and born
against daily cares of the firstborn. Therefore parents cannot enjoy entirely an anticipation of future addition as selflessly any more as it occurred for the first time. And later they very often with horror find out that one of children causes in them really hot and tender feelings whereas another - the love mixed with irritation or anger. They try to find some defect in themselves and begin to have sense of guilt. And Galina admits that she tries to compensate fatherly coldness and sharpness excessive caress and connivance.
The matter is that other child, on a fluke of nature, inherited the best qualities of mother and father - and each contact with it flatters their vanity. The nature allocated another with some properties which they in themselves or in the partner do not love (we will tell, obstinacy, irritable temper, shyness). Looking at such kid, parents as if see the reflection in a curve mirror (children in all the manifestations more open and frank, than adults!) and having beheld in it the unpleasant lines, are irritated, and from impossibility to cope with the negative feelings transfer the anger to the child.those from parents who not only accept all set of unique qualities with which their kid came to the world with gratitude Are happy
, but also quietly direct development of the child to that each his quality found the positive embodiment. The same obstinacy can become persistence and aspiration to achievement of the purpose. Playfulness - creative activity. Impudence - courage. Shyness - the thoughtful attitude towards people and events. Pensiveness - artistic gift.Each little man is unique
, unique there has to be also ours to it the relation. Galina`s husband should admit to himself that with the senior it is simpler and easier for him. It is time to recognize that behind opposition with the younger son the fear of defeat of the same passionate, impetuous and strong person what he is is concealed.
As soon as Galina`s husband will learn to cope quietly and kindly with offenses temperamental Subjects, - in the house will become cheerful and quiet again. To Galina it is not necessary to be constant on the alert to endow the Subject with an equal share of caress and heat.
Appearance of the favourite in group of brothers and sisters equally harmfully both for other children, and for the favourite. Between children rivalry, envy, informing, rage and mutual scores amplifies. Parents begin to quarrel, finding out who whom offends. Instead of a harmonious family two contradictory camps appear. All lose in such situation. Therefore my advice to adults - honestly and quietly discuss the addictions and difficulties with with each other. Do not hesitate if one of children causes in you more tender feelings - it is natural! Admit to yourself it. Try to find accurate definition to those manifestations of character of “the unloved child“ which anger you or confuse. Divide a problem into compound: what in its character is unacceptable for your family morals and that is healthy manifestation of its nature to which you should more attentively get accustomed and learn to appreciate. It is important to parents to learn not to stick out the preferences and to constrain indignation rushes in relation to that from children who cause in them more complex feelings.
the Honest and equal behavior in relation to all family members will also help to reach balance which will do good and to you, and your children. Establish the same rules for all members of household, the same moral criteria, distribute housework as it is possible more honestly, of course, taking into account age and opportunities. Do not present the favourite with the benefits which other children are deprived. Do not take it for an adult holiday if you cannot lead all there. In a word, behave in relation to all your children thoughtfully and honestly and stop to torment yourself with the fact that you love one of them more, than the others. Life is long, and you still are surprised how at different stages of the growing it will be lovelier to you, one child, another. Your task - not to show your preferences and on loaded questions of your relatives: “And whom you love more?“, - to answer steadily and honestly: “I love everyone in own way, and it is difficult to measure whom it is more. In total - it is more!“.