The help - business voluntary.
Participation of relatives in care of the child of
Education of the child - business labor-consuming. And it is no wonder that, expecting the kid, mother counts not only on the individual participation in this process. Besides, apparently, around there are so much close people - the husband, parents, svekr and the mother-in-law, friends and relatives - all of them could devote some part of the forces to care of the kid. But in reality it occurs not always, and most often - not absolutely in that form and not in those quantities for which we initially hoped. And here offenses - “begin to torment the young mother exhausted by infinite cares, who is lost before huge responsibility which is born with itself by a roditelstvo why they do not help me?“
of Disappointment come from our own tendency to build a future picture in mind, having “mosaic pieces“ as it is more convenient to us. But if living people become elements of this picture, whatever degree of proximity and relationship they were - very possibly that their behavior for a number of reasons will strikingly differ from what we to ourselves managed to imagine. >
It appears p when future grandmother persuaded the daughter or the daughter-in-law “to present“ somewhat quicker to it grandchildren, did not mean at all that she is ready to undertake efforts on cultivation of long-awaited “presents“, and mother will be able to live almost like earlier - soon to continue work or study, not to lose the “put“ rest and a habitual circle of contacts... The grandmother will always be “on pickup“? In most cases it appears a utopia. It becomes clear that the grandmother agrees to participate in education of the baby at all not in that mode which is convenient to young parents, or it is objectively expedient, and only in that which we accept for her. Young mother is ready to drop, the husband works late hours, and the mother-in-law reports that today she will not arrive in any way because in the evening her favourite series. But in day off when the young family gathers for joint walk, the grandmother will cheerfully be on a visit and, poagukav the granddaughter, will take seat for a couple of hours to drink tea, having ruined children all plans. Or, on the contrary, will take active part - grievously will sigh a little about not ironed (from two parties) diapers, the cap which is not put on in time, will solemnly put to the kid the elegant baby`s dummy bought by it to which you were not going to accustom the kid at all...
the Newly made father as soon as “festive salute“ on the occasion of the successor`s birth ceases, hasty gathers for work. And, having come in the evening home instead of immediately rushing to the sleepy, tired with cares of the kid spouse (one hand to pick up the baby, another to jostle diapers in the washing machine, - to hand the third a bouquet of flowers how he loves and appreciates the wife in her new role) discontentedly twists a nose and with amazement blinks: “And what, expensive, the dinner is not expected today?“
Childless girlfriends, having dropped in on a visit and enthusiastically poshchebetav over yours the baby, with enthusiasm tell about discos and gentlemen while you, dragging in “kengurushka“ not of the person interested to remain alone the kid, wash the dishes, you cut salad and you pour to the guest coffee...
the Worst that can be made, facing such “injustice“ - to spend the remains of sincere and physical forces for the offense involving the conflicts, up to a rupture of the relations (matrimonial, friendly, related) - leaving you already in real, but not imaginary, loneliness. Actually, not so everything is hopeless. But receiving from people dear to you at least feasible to them particles of the help and participation, sometimes it is necessary to make considerable efforts, showing wisdom and patience. Besides it is important to manage to find and designate concrete areas and forms in which this participation will be the most productive for all, first of all - for the child. Otherwise you risk to face the return problem - when participation in your life of relatives (especially senior generation) - brings to you, together with partial simplification of household difficulties, it is a lot of disorders and disagreements.
hope For neighbors, and itself not ploshay
the shortest way - to understand for itself simple thought:“ parents have to nothing to us“. How it was difficult for us, really we have the right to count only on the forces. By the time of the birth of the kid we come with the certain baggage of abilities, knowledge, forces put by efforts of the same parents. He is great or is small, successful or not too, but is what we can lean on. Any help and support from parents - business especially voluntary. To make them an overdue claim that we did not manage to learn something important, to demand from them completion of our “gaps“, compensation of our imperfections - occupation senseless and unworthy adults as whom - bondage we are considered as will from the moment of the birth of descendants.
any medal has also a back. Accepting the help of the grandmother, mother thereby agrees that style and methods of education of the kid and all way in the house will be defined not only by her. To count that the person who lived longer life and possessing the considerable experience and ideas of that “as it is necessary“, “will play by our rules“ - at least, fondly.
Should not reject self-confidently any councils and participation of the senior generation, motivating it with desire “to live the life“. For certain in experience which is possessed by the grandmothers who grew the children to adulthood there is something valuable. It is only important to find the ways allowing to adopt useful knowledge and skills of parents without being in a conflict with the principles. Therefore if, for example, the grandmother urges to feed the baby strictly on hours, and mother sees need of the kid for “inopportune“ feeding - most likely, it will find a way to convince of the correctness. And when newly made mother stays in confusion - besides reference books and recommendations of friends, it is quite good not to forget to ask council and the grandmother. Whether there will be it the most true, mother will be able to solve, having analysed all collected information. But she will show to the grandmother the trust and respect, and it is important. The main stumbling block which complicates the relations with the senior generation - inability or unwillingness to give to elderly people confirmation of their importance, a demand which they need irrespective of a way of life and real participation in family life.
we Make a compromise
wonder More often whether so details in the organization of life or education in which you do not meet, for example, with the mother-in-law whether it is simpler to renounce some trifles (which are not mentioning the key moments of yours and the child of life) are important for you, having accepted councils or wishes of mother of the husband. >
If disagreements in views of education and the organization of life does not manage to be allowed p arrangements, it is possible to try to come to the agreement - the grandmother takes away the kid or releases parents on the affairs on one - two days (or several hours) in a week, and in the rest of the time the child lives in that mode which parents consider correct. Also they will cope with this task.“ To spoil“, the grandmother will manage to razbalovat the child for such term hardly - the main, daily way and a rhythm exert the defining impact. But so it will satisfy the need for fostering of the grandson, and parents will find free time and will preserve forces leaving on disputes over trifles.all duties connected with care of the child strictly in half, as a rule, lead
of Attempt to divide with the husband to misunderstanding, intensity and the conflicts. Do not forget that actually after the birth of the kid mother and the father fall not absolutely into an equal state. On the party of the woman the strongest ally - a maternal instinct which supports even in the most difficult moments. For the man formation of fatherly feelings, understanding of as the parent is frequent - the serious problem assuming it from the wife is rather a support, than pressure. While you expect the help from it, he, perhaps unconsciously, hopes for the help from you - in development of its new duties, in formation of new space in which the defining role belongs to already new, little man. Therefore do not wait and do not demand that the husband helped “though with something!“, be not surprised indignantly: “you what, itself you do not see how much it is necessary to make?“ It only all range of cares and pressing problems is obvious to you, and for the man they can quite look the chaos which fell upon him “the innocent head“ in which it cannot find to itself(himself) either the place, or application. Surely as it is possible call more particularly affairs with which it is difficult for you to cope now. Without obvious need do not criticize “insufficiently correct“ actions - perhaps, the father not too successfully pulled a hat on the baby or forgot to rinse with boiled water a spoon - the damage caused to the kid will be much less than that which will cause it your mutual irritation.
Is accepted with gratitude
you do not stint expression of pleasure and gratitude on any deserving that to an occasion. However sure the father looked, it is extremely important to it to receive confirmation that what it does - correctly, important, is necessary and is appreciated on advantage (or is even slightly higher). Our huge trouble is that we forget or we do not consider it necessary to be glad to the fact that it seems to us self-evident until we lose it. Thus, ourselves deprive ourselves - both positive emotions, and the possible help which could be more if it was obvious to the people taking part in our life that it meets an appreciation and gratitude.
Gratitude - absolutely necessary condition of acceptance of the help. Regardless of that how many real efforts relatives enclosed in participation in your life. The relation by the principle “from them will not decrease“ rips in the bud the most good rushes. On the contrary, “advance“ gratitude it is possible to achieve what initially was not planned at all. Even the “laziest“ grandmother, having heard how you with the kid rejoice to her arrival, necessarily will think of how to pay to the grandson more attention. Surely tell about the words and actions of the child speaking about his affection for the grandmother, the grandfather and to all those who care for him. Share pleasure from successful affairs which you managed to make thanks to the fact that someone sat with the kid, having by all means emphasized indispensability of the assistant. Do not forget also about simple expressions of courtesy - congratulations on holidays, attention to stories about health - and just benevolent and cheerful communication, from such trifles and there is an atmosphere defining extent of mutual aid in a family and among a circle of friends.
If, despite everything, grandmothers - grandfathers are in a forceful mood to be engaged in grandsons, or the form of their participation in education is categorically unacceptable for you, think of other ways. If prosperity allows, your life will be significantly facilitated by wage labor - nurses or housemaids. It is possible, by the way, that the family of parents - yours or the husband - will want to participate partially in payment of house personnel, “paying off“ thus from need to spend on you the time and forces.
In a case when also this way is inaccessible to you, try to address the help of friends. The best results are yielded by “cooperation“ with other families where there are children, relatives on age. It will allow you to be mutually useful each other and to avoid feeling of dependence and “irredeemable debts“. Do not despair, having even been left without the help at all - your forces are necessary to you for the solution of essential tasks, but not fruitless experiences. Besides, it is never impossible to tell in advance as everything will turn in a year - another. Eventually, even if difficulties and will remain undivided - be not upset in vain. Your kid has loving, careful and trusting in the forces mother.