Whether how to raise amicable children of
brothers and sisters for parental love Will compete, to feel to each other hostility, depends on the father with mother HOW to raise amicable children.
Most of parents, having decided on the birth of the second or third child, dream that their children will be on friendly terms, help each other and when grow, will not remain are lonely, there will be them a close soul and the most blood relatives. However often instead of the expected love, friendship and support brothers and sisters live in the atmosphere of mutual hostility and even hostility. What reasons of it? Here several indicative cases from my practice.the Difference between children one-two years
Spouses Lavrov * personified
man`s and female began. Quiet, balanced husband and beauty wife. As well as it is necessary to the beauty - whimsical and selfish. In a year after a wedding they gave birth to the daughter who brought many efforts of young mother, but it is not enough pleasure. In two years the second girl was born. With it it was already much easier. The oldest daughter with the sister`s birth literally was “thrown off“ from parental knees. Mother chose the worst tactics of behavior: absorbed by care of the baby, it with irritation pushed away the senior daughter. On it as girls grew, also responsibility for everything was conferred that was done by sisters. And, having hot temper, mother often resorted to punishments physical. It is hardly worth being surprised that girls had to each other no warm feelings and constantly quarreled. And younger, naturally, it was inclined to peach, punished always senior! Their quarrels often came to an end with fights. Mother at the same time shamed them (“You are sisters!“ ), complained to neighbors that girls do not love each other, without understanding that the foundation of their relationship was laid by her.
Children`s psychologists demonstrate that the child till three years is egocentric, he feels as the center of the small world, and in it the deep meaning put by the nature. He is helpless in this world and to survive, is simply obliged to demand to himself attention. Its task - to ensure the mode of the maximum preference. Independently he cannot make it. It is a task of parents.
Till three years of the kid are not attracted by his peers. He considers them only as rivals on attention of adults - parents or tutors of a day nursery. Children for the present are not able to play together. Syuzhetno - role-playing games are a business of the future. And at early age (till three years) at best can play nearby, in the worst - to row from - for toys. In infancy (about one year) and till three years the child is ready for individual contact with the adult. Some cases when the child, for example, in one and a half years at appearance of the brother or sister (the rival on mother`s attention) suddenly refuses to eat independently and constantly ask on handles. Instinctively he begins to behave so that let by manipulations, but to receive attention and care, necessary for a full-fledged survival.
What the parents wishing to have children - stair-steppers have to consider? Important during pregnancy not to push away the frolicing kid, referring to the fact that he can do much harm to the brother. Already at this time it is possible to seed hostility grains. After emergence in the house of the baby mother has to give as much attention to the senior child how many earlier. It is necessary to treat children - stair-steppers as to twins, without dividing them on senior and younger. And if you buy a toy to one, then buy also to another.Planning the birth a weather, it is necessary to provide the help of relatives or to employ the nurse. Otherwise quite naturally that the baby will take away all the time of mother and the senior will be a disadvantaged. And to it, such little “senior“, in two - three years are very necessary mother`s attention! At this age there is an intensive formation of those subconscious mechanisms which will regulate all his life. The relations with mother these years lay the foundation of the sexual scenario, a basis of a self-assessment, the perception “I“.
between children should belong To distribution of time reasonably. The baby sleeps much and therefore to him all the same who rolls it in a carriage. It is good to charge walks with younger other family members or the nurse. And to devote the released time to communication with the senior. The behavior parents have to show that appearance of the younger brother or sister does not threaten the senior with loss of parental love.
the Difference between children five-seven years
Most of children of five - want to have six years the brother or the sister. The advanced preschool age is an age of role-playing games, and the main game of children is a game in a family. The child at this age waits for the kid as a live toy, a doll which can be rolled in a carriage, to feed from a spoon. Parents can use it “gift of the nature“ and use requirements of age for creation of the cordial, gentle relations between children.Reasonable parents train for
the firstborn for appearance of the kid, “acquaint“ the senior with younger even during pregnancy - allow to stroke a mother`s tummy, let know how the baby is pushed there. Perhaps, with the good purposes a little bit and to prisochinit. To tell that small it is very active when the senior is near that he recognizes him by a voice. It is good if mother with the kid are met from maternity hospital by all family and will hand flowers to the nurse who will take out the child, starshenkiya.
But neither difficulties of care of the baby, nor sleepless nights, nor a postnatal depression of mother should not affect her attitude towards the firstborn. Do not lose sight of it, do not forget about it, and especially do not push away. Right now, when there was a kid on whom all attention of adults concentrated, your senior child has to be convinced that he is still very necessary to you also you it is infinitely loved.the help of the father is very important
Here. I know and young, but wise mothers who involve the senior in care of the child all the time. Also it turns out that they together, together, and when the father comes, and all family look after the kid. Together meet the senior from kindergarten or school. The father all the behavior shows that communication with the senior child is more interesting to it, fascinatingly. Such father even of the monthly kid will allow to take to the senior brother or the sister. Reasonable parents will not push away the child:“ Depart, do not disturb, you will drop“. At competent approach the senior child has a feeling that it became even more necessary to parents, its importance and value increased in a family.Parents have to remember
that primary activity of the child of five - - game and game lasts seven years so much how many the child will wish. Therefore if to the senior bothered to represent the nurse, it is necessary to release him. It is useful to parents to follow the rule: communication of children has to give them mutual pleasure.
But how all - to react to emergence and a royavleniye of jealousy in the senior child?
If we noticed jealousy of one kid (even if it already not really the kid) to another, we analyze the behavior and we introduce amendments. Nezhnichayem also we lisp with younger only when our firstborn of it does not see - he at school, on walk, in kindergarten. At expression of hostility to the younger child of the senior we do not shame, and we calm, we speak to it:“ You are not guilty that for the present not really you love the sister, of course, with her neither to play, nor to talk. But she very much loves you. Watch as soon as you approach, she quickens, smiles at once, she recognizes you. And will grow up, in everything will obey you, to follow an example of you, to be proud of you“.
If the child reproaches parents that they are too absorbed by communication with “masiky“, and about it forgot, do not love it, it is necessary to convince the child that it is loved as well as earlier. Moreover, with it it is much more interesting to parents, but the kid because of full helplessness requires constant attention.
What to do if the senior child expresses the offense? In - the first to be glad that speaks about it. Means, hopes that parents will change the attitude towards him. It is much worse when the child becomes reserved. Most likely, the jealousy and offense will be stated to you in the form of reproach:“ You do not love me. You love Sasha, but not me“. The jealousy can be expressed and not directly, but it is necessary to catch and react also to indirect manifestations of jealousy. It can be demonstration of hostility to the little brother, negative statements in his address. Some parents begin to shame the child: “What you are a bad sister! You do not love the little brother. Look what we pretty“, - mother with the baby lisps. It is absolutely easy to present what feelings in the senior child are caused by such behavior of parents.
One adult woman to me admitted that she in the childhood “played“ jealousy of the sister. She with offense in a voice spoke to mother: “Here, you love Marinka more, than me“. What wise mother answered:“ The daughter, I love you equally. As fingers on a hand. Here you unless love an index finger more, than a little finger? Just you at me such reasonable, with you any efforts. And for Marinkaya of eyes yes an eye is necessary. I love it no more, I look behind it more“. From time to time, the woman remembers, she needed to hear from mother of the word of love. whether
Can avoid rivalry of children if to treat them absolutely equally? Envy and jealousy of children, as a rule, frightens and disturbs parents. Means, they have “wrong“ children? In society envy and jealousy are perceived as feeling unworthy, destructive. Of course, in the “black“ option they destroy both the person, and human relations. But the same feelings can be and “white“ that is extremely useful for the person. And it is possible to learn it in a family.
But sometimes parents, even understanding constructibility of rivalry, seek to lift its spirit by comparison of children. It cannot be done categorically. What will be if to the brother Petya to go on all the time:“ Be as Tanya“. As you understand, Petya for this purpose needs to be born anew. Therefore reflect what can lead such comparisons to. It is unlikely they will promote improvement, for example, of Petya`s handwriting, but will precisely affect his self-assessment, will undermine self-confidence.
of People can improve itself, but cannot become another! The one who managed to live life “by itself“ is successful and happy. And this way to themselves is planned at the earliest age for the child by parents. It is not just your debt, it is mission. The child since the childhood has to acquire that he is individual, unique and that he has the right to be such what it was created by the nature.
the Difference between children more than ten years
Luda Solovyova very much loved mother with whom it had close, friendly relations. Mother was kind, generous, easy. Unlike the father - the difficult and avaricious person. When Luda was 12 years old, mother decided to give birth to the child. The father became, however, kinder from it not. Therefore a baby was expected by two of them are Luda and mother. Together bought a children`s dowry, prepared the room for arrival of the new family member - girls. The name for the girl was chosen by Luda (as subsequently and the stomatologist`s profession). When the sister was small, it is unknown who for her was more mother - elder sister or mother. But never, any minute the sister was a burden for Luda! The little girl did not prevent the sister to run in youth on appointments, to go to the cinema, to lead full-fledged life.
the Love to the little sister, her sincere attachment to senior promoted that Luda herself with pleasure spent much time with the baby. Sisters became adults, but still they rather close, dear people. And all this thanks to kind mind of their mother.
Absolutely other relations at Lena with Valya of Pavlov. Valyusha was born when Lena was ten years old. The working parents defined a role of the nurse for the oldest daughter at once. You want you do not want, and potter with the child. And you have friends, the interests, but where you went, for you the little sister coordinates. Parents so wanted that at their favourite - the careful and sponsoring her elder sister was youngest. But everything turned out on the contrary. Senior was jealous younger of parents, was angry with it for the fact that the baby limited her freedom. The younger little sister the childhood had not sugar too. She constantly took offense on senior which for good reason and idle punished her. And when sisters grew up, the former offenses and jealousy seeded by parents did not allow them to approach.
But what to do to mother if the senior child does not cause those feelings that causes younger? Nina Alekseevna Matveenko gave birth to the first girl early when she still studied at institute. At that time they with the husband lived together with his parents, experienced material difficulties, the birth of the girl was not manifestation of a great maternal instinct, and just combination of circumstances. Respectively and pleasures of motherhood “were eaten“ by these difficulties.
Absolutely in other situation in ten years the son was born. In a vital deal almost everything was in plus: the apartment, the car, work, and, above all - powerfully declared maternal instinct. With the birth of the kid Nina Alekseevna was overflowed by such squall of maternal happiness that she just forgot about the oldest daughter. And that was silent, did not make a claim, just moved away from mother. And in fifteen years, without receiving the house of heat and love, found a set “lyubovy“ on the party. And consequently, a set of problems for parents.Even if your son or the daughter consider by
themselves absolutely adult, do not deprive of them parental love! How many to the child was years however many was at him sisters and brothers, his natural desire to be darling has to be by all means met by parents!
And therefore do not hide the feelings, make a declaration of love to children, embrace them, let in the childhood they will sit for a long time at you on a lap much. Each child has to know that parents also love him, as well as his brother or the sister.* Surnames are changed