Motherhood - pleasure or the victim?
With the child`s birth psychology of the woman sharply change, Join a maternal instinct, there is a revaluation of values, the sense of responsibility amplifies. Earlier she needed to care only for herself and for others, already adults, and it did not demand many efforts. Now everything will be differently: nearby there will be a small helpless being who will depend entirely on it. It is necessary to change habitual tenor of life, to offer much for the sake of its benefit. And it is very important, preparing for this event or having already passed through it, to find the correct balance between advantage of the child, the personal interests and life of the family. To find not to sacrifice someone to a new life situation.
According to the quote from an epigraph.“ Self-rejection“, the “renunciation“ “perishing“ “irrevocably“ - heavy, but very characteristic words for the description of this situation. You can fall a victim or your child. This situation usually beats the father indirectly, and the main distribution of balance happens in “mother-the child“ steam. All know that so far the small child, mother is absolutely necessary for him. And the problem is in as far as you are ready to devote yourself to the child.
What mother endows? The interests, time, by forces, physical and mental health, the desires and requirements. If it gives to the child only part, leaving the place for the husband and for itself, then everything is all right. But happens so that the woman is firmly sure:“ I am necessary to the child everything, entirely. My interests do not have the place any more“. Then it is already about the victim.
the Victim happens either voluntary, or compelled. Sometimes mother sacrifices herself with pleasure and readiness, and sometimes - making improbable effort and violence over herself. In the first case it acts on the basis “I want to forget about myself“, “it is pleasant to me“. Her desire coincides with its debt. In the second - it forces itself. She does not want to endow, but call of duty is stronger, than her desires and requirement. Her motivation:“ I have to make it though I also do not want it“. Idea of such debt is formed by public opinion, tradition: for mother the most important in life - the child for the sake of whom she lives. You will not argue with it - matter in that how literally mother perceives this thesis.
After the child`s birth mother or stays at home with it, or comes to work. It is possible to fall a victim in either case. And, as a rule, it occurs imperceptibly - especially for those who stayed at home.
But how to understand that you fell a victim? There are signs external and internal. Look at the list given below and note ticks those points which suit you. If it is more than a half of ticks, - you already the victim if 4 - 5, - you on the way to it.
Mother is a housewife
- you spend 99% of the time with the child.
- In talk you are interested only the subjects connected with children.
- you do not buy to yourself clothes at all or buy only “practical“, “that it was convenient to walk with the child“. the Husband constantly something is dissatisfied with
- or more and more seldom stays at home. > to you it is opposite to li to watch
- at himself in a mirror, but there is neither time, nor desire something to change.
- Sex became not in pleasure at all.
- your girlfriends now - only the same mothers fixated on children.
- to you it seems to
that life passes by you.
- Often you feel depression, melancholy and fatigue. you are firmly sure by
- that it is necessary to follow ALL rules of care of the child.
- you are afraid that you can be called bad mother.
- you are enraged by your husband, relatives and all around, and especially - the word “is necessary“.
- Nothing, except the child, pleases you, and even with it all of you feel irritation more often.
to you suits
everything that is listed above, but there are also the specifics. External signs
- All your life was reduced by
to work and the house. >
- At work to you it is difficult for li to concentrate in practice: your thoughts address the child all the time.
- you headlong run home, and spend all the time with the child at home until he falls asleep. you buy by
- to the child too many gifts.
- you look good only because it is so necessary at office.
to work and the house. >
- you live in constant alarm. to you it seems to
- that you are in time nothing. On you the huge fault before the child presses.
What sacrifice is dangerous?What it is fraught with
in case of “the voluntary victim“? So far the small child, everything goes well. However, the husband complains that do not pay him attention, but it is perceived most often as egoism and not taken into account. But the child grows up, and he does not need so much attention any more. And when he goes to the life, mother feels thrown and betrayed. Unexpectedly she understands that there was absolutely one. The husband, if he still is, reconciled long ago to the fact that he is not necessary, and lives life. The woman has no interests, work, hobbies. There are no friends. There is nothing any more for the sake of what it would be worth living. And the child at the same time often grows up the egoist. He did not get used to reckon with needs of mother. The care is taken for granted and begins to irritate. Mother to it became uninteresting and bothered to death with the persuasive love. And as a result: “I gave all the life to it, and it...“
If it “the compelled victim“, everything depends on that, what is the time mother will be able to suffer own violence over herself, living in captivity at it “is necessary“ and “has to“. If in the first case she understands only then how many she lost, then here she feels it every day and each hour. And very quickly begins to hate himself, the child and all those around who it “is necessary“ supports. It constantly inhibits the interests and desires. Hatred quickly destroys its relations with the husband, relatives and does unfortunate the child, his state directly depends on mood of his mother and a situation in a family.
Usually voluntary self-sacrifice results from a dissatisfaction and emptiness of own life. The underestimated self-assessment, disbelief in the forces, inability of to realize can be the cause and to care for itself. Sometimes the reason is covered in the bad relations with the husband and discontent with family life. Mother runs away from herself and the problems in the child`s life where it is simpler and simpler and more clear where she has a lot of force and the authorities.
“The compelled victim“ in the behavior proceeds from own and imposed stereotypes about that, “as it is necessary“. As a rule, education is the reason. For example, her mother all life endowed herself and in every possible way emphasized it, saying that the role of the woman consists in it:“ Such is, daughter, our female destiny“. Or the girl was brought up in severity, forcing it to do only that it “is necessary“, without reckoning with her desires and requirements. Then she risks to mature, without having learned to think independently, habitually following the set norms.
we Look for an exit
But whether there is exit if it is obvious that appearance of the child demands the victims from mother and makes changes to her habitual life? The most important that you have to remember always: unfortunate mother will never have a happy child.
If you are “the voluntary victim“ and you run away in motherhood from own problems, it is important to you to remember that over the years they will not get to anywhere, and will become much deeper, and it will be already much more difficult to solve them. Therefore to think of himself it is worth beginning already now when the child was only born.In the beginning your victim is justified
, and the child really needs practically all your time and attention. But then it is necessary to begin to care both for himself, and for the husband, - and the farther, the it is more. The new balance which arose with the child`s birth surely has to change over time from his life to own aside.
- of cannot be forgotten about the requirements At all: to eat, give itself in time the chance to have a rest. It is necessary to find someone who could help you about the house and sit with the child that you could leave sometimes. It would be quite good to shift part of the obligations for the house and on care of the child to the husband and other relatives. And also you should not forget that it is possible to use services of the nurse or housekeeper. If you are engaged in study of this question, it can become clear that their services cost not so much as you imagined.
- do not refuse to yourself small and great pleasures - regularly ask yourself a question: what now could please me? Also try to carry out the desires. Do not forget, than you were fond earlier. Do not leave the hobbies, buy to yourself magazines, books and movies or ask the husband that he bought them according to your list. Think of what you will do farther when the child grows up - what you have interests, than will be engaged where also as whom to work. to you should not forget
- that you are a woman . Your appearance influences your mood and health, your husband watches at you too, and to it not all the same as you look. Even if to leave the child there is nobody, you can care for yourself also at home or together with him. There are hairdressers, cosmetologists and manicurists who with pleasure come to the house, and their services stand, as a rule, less, than in salons. There are clubs where it is possible to come together with the small child where there are a nursery and joint occupations for mothers and babies. And it is possible to play sports of the house on the exercise machine or by means of videotapes with lessons of fitness and dances. Should not forget
- about the husband . Often after the birth of the child of the man begin to feel superfluous, to take offense, be jealous and, as a result, to move away from wives. Therefore, on the one hand, it is necessary to involve the husband in process of education of the child that it could build svr of the relation with it and help you. With another - it is necessary to find part of the time and attention and to him, to care for it as far as it is possible now, to be interested in his life and to tell it about the.
needs to be remembered that the husband loves you and needs your love. It is that husband of a rank whom you chose for the rest of life, so, and for the present period too. He is a father of your child and has the same rights and duties in relation to it, as you. Find an opportunity to spend with the husband time together, it is desirable outdoors. There are restaurants and other places where all can go together and to stay together while the child peacefully sleeps in a carriage. Look at the western experience: there such pictures became absolutely usual.
Sex is an important part of your joint life. For it surely there has to be time and the place. Listen to the body - after the delivery his desires and sensitivity can change. Tell about it to the husband, and you together will be able to reconstruct the sexual life in a new way.
For of “the compelled victim“ the solution is that the balance between interests of mother and child should not be rigid.
Here the same recommendations, as in the first case, but are important difference. To the voluntary victim sometimes it is difficult to cram to care himself for himself because she in a new situation of it just is not able, and “the compelled victim“ considers that she has no right to it. Therefore the most important - to accustom itself that you have this right.Carry out by
- of audit all the it “is necessary“ and “has to“ . Write them on a leaflet. Put ticks where these duties belong for the child to vital, for example: “to feed him when it is hungry“. All others need revision. It means that sometimes it is possible to go for a walk with the child, and it is possible and not to go if there is a strong wish to sleep, watch film with the husband or to have sex. The child can have a sleep not on the street, and on a balcony or in a bed. And so - on each point.
- Accustom yourself that you have same rights, as well as at the child, and at all others . For this purpose write the list of all rights which other people have. Now rewrite this list, beginning each line with the word “Ya“. For example:“ I have a right to rest“. Hang up the list in a visible place or hang out leaflets with different points on all apartment. Try to be removed by
- as it is possible further from all people who these it “is necessary“ to you inspire . It is difficult, but it is necessary. It is possible to use any receptions and cunnings, to refer to employment, to the fact that “the child cries and now I cannot talk“, do anything if only to get rid of their influence until your belief in the rights gets stronger. Then these words will not cause any feelings any more.
everything that is listed above, but with the reservation: you have objectively less free time. And of course, as you the whole day at work, the child strongly on you misses. Therefore it is worth paying it more attention when you together. And assistants are necessary to you reliable that you could be engaged quietly in the work, without thinking every minute that there are houses.
But what to do with sense of guilt?If the small child and you work with
for you - means, you have on it a good reason. Most likely - an acute shortage of money, and you are forced to earn that the family could live. Means, you will manufacture the necessary and important issue for life and health of your child. You endow one of its interests for the sake of others, much more important. You act to it for the good and have to be firmly sure of it.
do not allow sense of guilt to get of you the best. If you see that the child smiles if you spend with him free time, love it and care for it, - with it everything will be good. You speak to yourself more often:“ I am good mother“, - and the fault will cease to make the life yours miserable. Then you will be able to sigh more freely and to rejoice together with the child to every minute spent together.
in conclusion once again I want to return to the main idea. Your child does not need the unjustified victims, and you will be able quite to create new balance in a family so that nobody had to suffer. Not so it is difficult how it seems at first sight. The main thing - not to forget about what at the happy and loving mother will be obligatory the healthy and cheerful child.