Whether and good we are parents?
will Hardly be mistake to assume that this question concerns all, who have children. And if someone from parents tells that he never to himself sets it, so the answer to it it is known long ago and quite arranges. Perhaps, this person is tormented by strong fear that the answer will be sad and it is better not to know it...
Here is how one mother, the teacher by profession describes, the experiences connected with this question:“ Talking to parents of pupils, I often was surprised to the fact that they give a hostile reception even to the most harmless supervision and recommendations concerning their child. My own son stayed then the last days before “issue“, i.e. kindergarten, and I was not familiar with those feelings which the social assessment of maternal activity can cause. And what you think? My surprise concerning parental reactions took place after the first communication with the tutor in kindergarten when to me with a claim in a voice it was declared: “Your child is absolutely ill-bred! He is not able to behave!“ Having suppressed the first horror and a protest, I took an interest that occurred. It appeared, he clinked glasses with kefir with neighbors in a table. I with relief took breath, but this horror: “How? My child?“ and protest: “No, it cannot be!“ I remembered well“. Why adults call into question quality of the roditelstvo and at the same time take a look from outside so painfully? At all not because are not sure of themselves, are insolvent or understand nothing in life. Rather it comes from understanding of huge responsibility which automatically lays down on shoulders of parents at the time of the child`s birth. Moreover, to quite “healthy“ and well adapted to requirements of society person it is important that his work was qualitative and gained recognition from outside. Many present adults know that they can count on respect from other people if they well do the part. It would be quite logical to carry to the category of “affairs“ and such important duty as education of the child. Especially it is actual for women who often leave work to care for the kid. However not everything is so simple.
C of the first you will face when you try to define criteria for evaluation of the (or the stranger) parental activity. For the doctor “good“ mother will be that which has a healthy child, for the teacher - that which has him diligent and clever, for the trainer - active, for the neighbor - silent. At the same time your mother-in-law considers that you are hopeless as the grandson in three years is not able to tie laces, and your mother in horror from with what and as you feed the kid...to be “good“ are formed by
of Idea of that as well as what parents have to do in the early childhood under influence and just like the father and mother. But the subsequent life constantly introduces the amendments, and there is nothing surprising that criteria of good education at all the. However there is a trouble: reflections how it is necessary to affect, and debates with relatives a subject as it is better to arrive, can distract you from the kid for a long time.
the Second complexity is that success of your parental activity is defined, estimating your kid. For what parents have to be good? Of course to bring up, good children! And that, on how many you took place as mother or the father, is defined not only efforts which you use for achievement of result, but also result, that is the child. And here you are waited by a trap. If your parental solvency is directly connected with what kid at you grows, it will be difficult for you to notice his shortcomings, inevitable difficulties, the “weak“ parties. The fact of presence of problems at your child will automatically mean that you are a bad mother (father) and badly cope with the duties. Who wants to recognize it, especially if you put in education a lot of time and forces? As a result you cease to estimate soberly the events with the kid, cannot react to the arising problems in time and leave the kid in private with difficulties.
Reefs on the way to perfection
Are not present anything bad that the child will grow up healthy, clever, diligent, purposeful, polite with neighbors, cheerful with friends and careful with parents. However in a pursuit of this result you risk to cease to perceive life as “a unique moment“ and to begin to estimate all that occurs by the principle “it is good - badly“, “it is correct - incorrectly“, “has to be - should not be“. Moreover, you will begin to equal the child on the same scale:“ You have to correspond to the fact that well, correctly and has to be, eradicating in yourself and the behavior that badly, incorrectly and should not be“. Unfortunately, to these you will prevent the child to live quietly, will not notice what price gives to the kid his safe look, and will be sure that he knows about your love.
Meanwhile the child will decide that his true desires and feelings (especially “bad“ and “wrong“) concern nobody and that its inner world, original and times strange ideas, vision of the world are interesting to nobody and are not necessary. And that its main task - it is good to do the part, namely to be a good boy or a share - the girl.it is possible
, in this case you receive confirmation of the parental solvency, but will lose the unique world of other person, an opportunity to see how it appears in the kid, grows, is filled with paints and life. Having got used to be “correct“ and “good“, the child will lose feeling of the value and uniqueness. And together with it is sense and pleasure of life.
Moreover, the commitment to excellence will disturb you as well as your child. Having concentrated on that it is correct to do everything, you will hardly be able to notice own kid, to feel him and to understand that he tries to tell you what he really wants and that it is necessary for it. As a result the little man will have a feeling of loneliness and forlornness (as it is not seen and do not hear), and you will make the actions which do not have any to the relation neither to development of the kid, nor to his comfort, nor to him meanwhile.
How to arrive?
Perhaps, to become the good parent, it is necessary to learn at first to it? Began to train, for example, future mothers and fathers for childbirth. However, as soon as you will be able to answer the questions connected with health of the child at you there can be other, more difficult questions on which you will find the answer not at once: Whether “I correctly do everything? Whether“ “Not too I indulge him?“ “As to explain it to the kid? Whether“ “It is worth doing it in general?“ All these questions are absolutely natural. Most often they are not connected with your desire to ego-trip as mother, and caused by quite normal aspiration to help the kid with his development and natural ignorance as it is better to make it.
Unfortunately, universal councils do not exist. What remarkably will be suitable for one child can be harmful to another. What perfectly “works“ for one parents is inapplicable for others. The only absolute truth at anybody not raising doubts, consists in that, as you, and your kid - living people who are capable to see and hear each other, to test to each other some feelings, to be imperfect, to take offense, forgive, to change something around itself and in itself.
But how it is possible to take care of the kid? In - the first, once itself tells that the best mother - that that the child as she has the main thing has: communication with this kid and aspiration to take care of it. Of course, not at all and not at once it turns out to understand how to arrive, but each mother and each child will manage to be accustomed somehow to each other. The kid is very interested too in that he was heard and understood! So your relations with the son or the daughter are also the best adviser. If in communication with them you do not try to remain on “adult“ intellectually - verbal level, and are ready to start talking language of emotions peculiar to them and bodies, children will prompt as it is better to take care of them. If you trust your relations and lean on them, then you should not spend all the time near the kid, without lowering from it eyes. The child himself will let know when he needs you and when it is ready to release you. You need only to provide it to requirement, and if something is not so, your parental alarm better than any foreign observer will force to prick up the ears, pay attention, to take necessary steps.
When time to teach the kid to social norms will come, relatives of the child will become his first society. In the relations with you it will find the first experience of respect of requirements and borders of other person, will learn to be near the others, even strangers and to feel rather safely and comfortably. When the decimestrial kid begins delighted to thrash them a palm on the person, most of parents along with affection feels a certain discomfort. It is not obligatory to wait for the age of reason to explain to it why you should not do it. It is enough to stop his hand now.If you are ready to recognize by
own imperfection, you will be easier to allow and to the kid to realize it. Only in this case he will not be afraid of condemnation or rejections and will learn to say about himself and that he is not pleasant to it and that disturbs. So it will be easier for you to help it to endure what cannot be changed and to teach to handle the antisocial desires so that to do nobody harm. Your kid, as well as you, inevitably will pass through mistakes, shame, regrets. It will have no other way of a growing. However in your forces to make so that your relations were worth it that to protect them, and the kid understood true sense of those norms which you to it impart.
Which - that about bad parents
Painful experiences: “I am awful mother (father), so I do time (I speak, I feel)!“ - are very widespread. It is an important signal which can seriously help you with your hard business. But to use, it is necessary to understand one thing: the feeling that you are a bad mother, does not mean at all that it indeed. Most likely, you normal mother who had the childhood, the parents and, as usual, all this was very far from perfect.
Most often the child behaves badly when to him it is not really good, but at the same time in his consciousness there can be a confusion - me badly, I mean - bad. Seldom which of adults realizes this problem therefore nobody helps the kid to resolve it. When the child becomes an adult, the children`s disorder remains in his head. Perhaps, the same confusion reigns in soul and at you. You can not always define with an accuracy, you - bad because were mistaken, or to you it is so bad that just there are no forces something to do and to care for someone.
Usually if you are overtaken by feeling of “bad mother“, it means that everything is bad - to you. When at heart it is quiet and easy, having even made something not so, you will quickly find a way to improve situation. Especially as with the child it is rather simple to make it. Usually children forgive to the parents their imperfection much easier, than parents - to children. If you are tomima problems of own life, then, naturally, it is difficult for you to care for the kid. You are not always ready to listen to it, to be with it are present so much how many he wants and if it is compelled, then become irritable and impatient. Such relations cannot satisfy you, and the fault of “bad mother“ becomes the most right signal that it is time for you to take care of himself, to change something in the life that everything brought more satisfaction around.It is important
not only for you, but also for the kid. Remember how you bore the child. In what your care of it consisted? Of course, in care of! Whenever possible you avoided situations and people who caused you troubles afforded that the pleasure brings, joy and rest. The kid who “separated“ from your body continues to live in your world, in the atmosphere of your life.by
When to the child it will be executed two - three years, he will begin to receive pleasure from the fact that he will be able sometimes to take care of you, to support the family (of course if you give to the kid such chance). In this situation try not to “load“ on the kid more, than he will be able to carry away, and his aspiration to take care of the beloved parents will give him feeling of necessity and equality in otnoshniya.