10 rules for the working parents of
to Work and at the same time to bring up the child - a difficult task. It is necessary to run around literally like a mad. On one bowl of scales - need to provide a family and desire to realize itself it is professional, on another - sense of guilt from - for the fact that the child is forgotten, neglected. Whether there is a golden mean and how to find it?
Ya I know many young families in which children feel quite happy in spite of the fact that their parents “vanish“ at work. And if small children could express the feelings in words, they would share a secret of the happiness:“ Mother and the father at me very good. I know that I for them the most important person on light. I constantly feel their attention and care. After work they play with me, always find time to listen to me. I never feel superfluous. We spend always days off together. I feel that we love“. It ideally, in practice, of course, everything is not so simple.
to Study communication
Quite often in the judgments we are guided by ordinary opinions. Here I, for example, all life hated sunbathing. But, without having taken the trouble to comprehend general opinion that rest is an inevitable trip on the South to the scorching heat, I all - trudged there and suffered put two - three weeks. Though it is much lovelier to my heart cloudy days and habitual northern climate, and above all I like to gather mushrooms!
As well many parents, and especially grandmothers and grandfathers consider that the most important that near the child there was always an adult who would sponsor him, fed and learned to live. Let`s think is it important, and we will look at this problem with a fresh pair of eyes.to
In what volume to the child needs communication with adults? Let`s remind that till three years he is not able to play with peers yet. For kids of game are games row, but not joint activity. Therefore it is really better if to this age the child is with someone from parents.
But in three - four years at the child waken interest in other children. And since five years he enters when he needs already to be beyond a parental environment gradually. It is important to create for it conditions under which he will be able to study communication with new people.
the Preschool childhood and younger school age - the important periods of development of communicative skills. Plasticity of mentality of the child at this age allows it with little effort and injuries to master the principle of reasonable egoism. The child from the birth is egocentric. He feels as the center of the Universe and waits from others for care of himself because cannot take care of himself for the present. Therefore he is not able to consider interests and needs of other people. When the child gets to the circle of peers, inevitably there is a collision of its own interests and requirements with requirements and interests of others. And that is especially important - not adults, but children, same as he.
Communicating with peers, the child gets acquainted with the principle of rational egoism: it is favorable to me to be kind, sympathetic, cheerful, that is to treat others as I would like that treated me. So it comprehends the principle of symmetry of communication. As for communication of the child with parents, it is always asymmetric: responsibility for contact is born by the adult.
of the Consequence of hyper guardianship
during advisory practice I came to a conclusion that the child to whom up to leaving school the loving mother or the grandmother was “put“ did not gain so necessary communicative skills in life in time. Subsequently, having become adults, such children meet great difficulties.
So, for example, very obedient girl who is excessively sponsored by mother, having become adult, constantly seeks to take the subordinate, a dependent position, painfully depends on opinion of other people, is afraid of the administration. At the boy whom mother and the grandmother vigilantly “watched“ difficult there takes place process of sexual identification. That is, in other words, it is hardly possible to call his behavior man`s.to what I all this tell
K? And just to the fact that not always in families in which parents devote all the life to education of children successful children grow up. More likely, on the contrary. Sometimes parents and speak: “I live for the child“. There are also extreme options:“ I always led the son`s life, I will lead life of the grandson now“. I apologize and whose life to lead to the grandson if already someone leads his life another? Such approach breaks laws of the nature, harmony of the world and consequently it, leads to various pathologies.
Parents have to live life, have the need and hobbies, paying at the same time attention to development of interests and satisfaction of needs of the relatives. Therefore, in my opinion, laws of the nature are fully observed in families where parents (both mother, and the father) work. In fauna from which we are not so far parents sponsor a cub to a certain age. And if guardianship continues too long, then it, according to Victor Hugo, turns into usurpation.
to be interesting to the child
One more powerful argument in favor of the working parents: children always want to be proud of the fathers and mothers! As the child who can tell that his mother is a doctor is happy, and the father is a pilot! Maturing, the son or the daughter want to see professionally successful men in the parents. The interesting person is a person who has hobbies and the purposes in life. Parents who do not work involuntarily parasitize on the child`s life, transferring the purposes and interests of the child to the life. And when their son or the daughter grow up and try to begin to live independently, quite often such parents perceive it as accident, and sometimes and as treachery. How many I happened to see such crashes for years of practice!If mother on economy
the Respect for the woman is put by
in a family. What is typical for families in which the father is completely absorbed by work, and mother “is thrown“ on a household?
At housewives, as a rule, a low self-assessment, in particular, because results of their work are not visible. Many men consider that homework is and not work at all. It seems to them that order is kept in the house by itself that the pure and ironed shirts in a case - it is normal, and preparation of a lunch in general nonsense. Seldom which of housewives had not to hear from the husband of reproach: “Well from what to you to be tired, you stay at home“. Sometimes add absolutely offensive:“ You do not work“ that practically means: you do nothing. The woman shipped in life is concerned mainly by household problems. She tries to talk about it to the spouse, and it becomes boring for him and it loses to the wife interest as to the interlocutor. The child feels it. As a result at it the opinion on the attitude towards the woman in society, as to the second-class citizen can be created.
Guilty though guiltless
At the working parents the problems about which I would also like to talk now. The first problem which is particularly acute very much is the sense of guilt tormenting parents from - for the fact that they owing to the employment find for children not enough time.
Why this feeling appears and how to cope with it? Mother leaves for work, leaving the child with the grandmother or the nurse. The kid, of course, asks it not to leave. To the small child this mysterious word “work“ is unclear. For it it “a black hole“ in which mother disappears every morning. And mother feels guilty of - for the fact that she should “throw“ the child. Actually she does serious work, important and necessary for its development.
For the kid it is the first lesson which will help it to realize that any person does not belong to another completely, as at mother, both it, and at all other people has duties, interests and a circle of contacts. And than rather your child will understand it, especially adequate he will become and the it will be easier for it to adapt in world around. Parents need only to try to be for it at the correct loss for words.
Happens that sense of guilt at parents arises as protective reaction. It seems to them that their main task - to provide a high material standard of living for the child that he could study at prestigious school, have a rest in the best resorts. But all the same at heart parents understand that they pay to the child not enough attention and consequently they, cannot carry themselves to number of good parents in any way.
I here sense of guilt helps to restore respect for itself. Yes, I do not give the rest to the child of heat and love, but I am a good person because it torments me. Often working mother, having missed the child and feeling a little guilty for the fact that she spends not enough time with him, showers the child with gifts and forgives it all pranks.“ The connivance does not bring satisfaction to children and does them greedier“, - Benjamin Spock wrote.
“The father is a husband of my mother“
Quite often from the working parents can hear complaints to a lack of time for communication with the child. But it no more than excuses. You can have not enough time for communication with the child only in that case when priorities are incorrectly placed. Often the man considers that his debt is only a material security of a family and the more it brings to the house of money, the better he fulfills the duty. For such men communication with “house“ is not something significant at all. Talk for them - waste of time. And to play with the child - not man`s occupation. Many fathers consider that education of children is especially women stuff.
Each of us has the right to arrive as he considers it necessary. But let`s look what it leads to. Men who do not care for establishment of contact with own children push away them from themselves, actually turning into foreign people.
Maturing, children move away from fathers more and more. As I am spoken by some young people: for me the father is only the husband of my mother. Therefore if the father of family wants that it had close, confidential relations with children, he has to understand that for this purpose it is necessary to make certain efforts.the Base of full communication between parents and children is put by
from the first steps of the child. Otherwise why in general then was to bring the kid if in your family the stranger to you the person grows up? And there is no fault of the child in it. It was open for communication, but the father the inattention pushed away him, and, most likely, forever.
From quantity to quality of communication
of the Complaint of mother to a lack of time for communication with the child also confirm the wrong arrangement of priorities. Women often see the main objective in education of children, in satisfaction of their physical requirements: that were full, dressed, put. When mother calls from work home to the child - the school student, unfortunately, it is seldom possible to hear the questions concerning his sincere experiences and problems.
generally interests her whether he ate, whether made lessons and so forth. Though, perhaps, the child now most of all would like to talk about some nurseries, but problems, very serious for it. But as soon as he starts talking about it, mother interrupts him: I at work, am no time me. Thus, the child since the childhood acquires that it is better not to tell about the experiences because they interest nobody.Hundred times were told to
, and I will tell, probably, in the hundred first: for each of us - that for the adult that not quantitative, but qualitative characteristics of communication are important for the child-. Any person will derive pleasure from communication with you if you follow these simple rules:let to your interlocutor know
- that your attention belongs to it undividedly that your feelings and thoughts are occupied only by it; show
- that you take liking for this person, you admire it, you rejoice to it; openly express to
- the feelings and emotions;
- talk to the interlocutor on subjects, significant, interesting to it. It is especially important if you communicate with the child; listen to
- up to the end, without interrupting, and, at last, the last, but from it not less important: do not estimate and do not condemn the interlocutor.
It is unconditional, such communication will involve from you certain power costs. But let`s not feel sorry for energy for own children.
the Conducted researches on development of children of the working and unemployed mothers demonstrate that at women who work or study, children develop quicker, than at those who entirely devoted themselves to the house and a family.It is explained by
not only higher education level at the working women, but also to those that time which they spend with children is more saturated communication and joint activity, it is more appreciated by both mother, and the child. While at unemployed women communication with the kid is gradually reduced to care of it or is almost completely devoted to housekeeping.
It is unconditional, “how many people, it is so much also opinions“, you can object about it. In each family a question of that to work or not to work to both parents, has to decide individually. Remember that the main thing - harmony in your soul. Mother who feels unfortunate lonely, wallowed in household chores, cannot bring up the happy child.
A as was told by V. G. Belinsky:“ Education - a great cause: it decides a fate of the person“.
1O of rules for the working parents
to the Author of article often should advise the parents who are breaking off between the house and work. There are several rules which will help you with a good cause of education of posterity.
Rule first . Never too hungry should come home.
of Torment of hunger, especially after hard day of work, anyone can be made irritable and impatient. So before going away from work try to have a bite a little or at least drink a cup of sweet tea. You will become more complacent, and it will be easier for you to transfer explosion of rough pleasure of your offspring from a long-awaited meeting with you.
Rule second . Do not overtire at work.
as a result of excessive physical and intellectual activity in blood the content of hormone of adrenaline which causes tachycardia, the increased arterial pressure and, as a result, feeling sick and irritability increases. Having come home in such state, you will inevitably splash out negative emotions on the child.the Child will hardly understand
in what the true reason of your irritation. But it will have feeling that it is not necessary to the closest for it to the person. So try to be overloaded not too at work, and having crossed a house threshold, forget for a while about your problems concerning you during the day.
Rule third . You do not pronounce words and do not even do hints which the child can regard so that work is more important than him for you.the Child has to be sure by
that for you he is the most important person on light that your work can be for you very necessary and interesting, but your heart belongs to the child. Work is pleasant to you, and you love the child. Correctly place priorities.
Rule fourth . For parents communication with the child has to be priority.
It is the rule concerns women more. How you believe what opinion on himself there has to be a person to whom let know that communication with it nothing in comparison with preparation of borsch?
Unfortunately, quite often it is necessary to observe how inspire in children that it is impossible to stick to mother when she is busy with the “major“ business on light - cleaning of fish or vegetables and if it bakes pies, then it is better for child to forget in general that it exists on light.
Rule fifth . The child has to be the equal assistant.
do not discriminate the child, charging it the dirtiest and unattractive housework. Why the child has to take out garbage? Yes because you order.
Rule sixth . Do not ego-trip at the expense of the child.
you the adult, and only for this reason you know more and are able. You wash the dishes better and play computer games. But if you want that your child unlike many other modern children grew up self-assured and in the forces, communicating with him, try to behave so that he felt skillful and bright.
Rule seventh . Work has to be a source of means for comfortable existence of your family and no more than that.
If work - the sense of all your life, then does not have more honestly children at all. But if in your family nevertheless the child appeared, he has to feel that it is much more important than any work for you.
Organizing joint rest, consider interests of all family. You should not do to the child a favor and with a sour mine to trudge with it in a zoo.
Emergence in a family of the child is your decision, but not it, and you should bear responsibility. Make so that joint rest brought to the child joy and for a long time to it was remembered. Plan the household chores so (can be, even minimizing them) that communication with the child was in the forefront.
Rule eighth . Be an attentive listener.
Communicating with the child, attentively listen to it, ponder upon his words, pay attention to his intonations, the child has to feel that what he tells is important for you.
do not estimate acts of your child, and try to understand it. The foundation of mutual trust between parents and children is so laid. As you are engaged at work, besides you have also household chores, every day allocate time for full communication with the child. The value of communication is measured not by amount of time spent together, but its qualitative characteristics which are expressed in attention, respect, understanding.
Rule ninth . Be not afraid to consult on your child.Tell
to the child about the work, you share with it the thoughts and experiences. Show it on own example what means to be frank, be not afraid to tell to the child of the weaknesses and problems, let know that you trust it and you count on his support.it is Even better than
if you ask council the child and you will listen to his words. So you accustom to formulate it and to express the opinion.
Rule tenth . Do not reproach the child with a piece.
Try not to allow under no circumstances statements and even hints about material dependence of the child on you. Yes, your child does not earn money yet, but he has all ahead. And who knows, maybe, the situation will change and sometime and you will be financially dependent on it. Do not create similar precedents - and then in old age you should not redden from awkwardness.