Secret and obvious
Over the years you understand rules that family life - a difficult kind of activity: it is necessary to carry out honestly certain functions, to meet necessary conditions, to support in working order the “mechanisms“ allowing to live adequately together.
any family collective does not do Without adoption of a peculiar secret and unwritten code or at least unpretentious “rules according to safety measures“. It is possible to find much in common in how the relations in different families are under construction, but nevertheless each family leads the unique life. Manifestations of call of duty, trust, skills of communication, intimacy at the people considering themselves by a family in each case special. Therefore also family rules happen different.
In others monastery it is difficult
Is possible, you had to be in families where some acts and speeches of members of household seemed to you strange or inadmissible and you found some discrepancy with that “charter“ which is adopted in your house. Once I lived several days in a family of the nonresident girlfriend. And every evening tested strong awkwardness when at supper there was frankly heated discussion of the problems, in my opinion, which are not demanding publication even in a circle of the husband, wife and adult daughter. All of them shared information on normality / abnormality of a chair, difficulty / ease of clarification of a stomach, etc. Then was made a joint decision, a coma what to eat and drink what means to accept. I understood that for members of this family this usual thing - so at them is got. And in a family of my relatives the host dares “to decorate“ the speech with expressions which do not revolt none of relatives: behind it the right of “freedom of speech“ is recognized. It was so moved: the wife, the mother-in-law, children and guests are forced to listen and turn to abusive words a deaf ear or to do similarity of a smile at an every minute remembrance of some mother. Somehow, being on a visit at acquaintances, I decided to help the hostess and gave a hand to the overflowed garbage can. “No, no!“ - the woman scaredly cried. It was the husband`s duty, and the wife never deprived of his only thing of the “right for work“ reserved for it once and for all - even if near a bucket five appeared - six packages of food waste. Other my friend grew up in the house where parents demanded to address them on “you“. It, having become adult, did not refuse family tradition. In the small apartment live: it with the husband, two daughters are students and her aged mother. I quite often had to hear how in heat of household passions the friend shouted: “You - that, mother, the old idiot where you go?“ Or as her little girls, already in turn, were indignant: “At you, ma, a roof what - went?“ If rules of any family seem to us unusual or unacceptable for us, then it not always means that they are bad. When to the people living together, well they are happy with each other and are even happy, to judge not our business what questions they discuss at supper to what style their lexicon belongs and who takes out garbage... Another thing is that supervision over other tenor of life sometimes happens useful: helps to write off the become obsolete own installations in archive, to refuse a blackmail method in the solution of family problems, to adopt the rule to openly express feeling of love to relatives, not to dictate to them, not to live by the principle “do not do the good, do my bad“ etc.
the Family charter - what is it?
“Rule“ - the word multiple-valued. It not only the established principles, a mode of operation, the management, but also process of adoption of the agreement. Family rules are a dynamic force which extremely influences family life. Everything that belongs to distribution of money, duties, time are rules which are well-known in a family circle, they were said aloud more than once and are brought to the attention of everyone. It is even easy for stranger to find many existing “laws“ regulating norms of house behavior, hospitality level, degree of openness of family. But there are also others - hidden, they create the atmosphere which defines life of all family members. One of my colleagues asked money on credit - provided that she will return this insignificant sum within a year. It turned out that in the bus stole a salary from it. It will imperceptibly sew up a bag, and here loss of money will not manage to be hidden from the husband. I supported her: of course, you should not afflict men, they and so have cares. But business was not in it. If the husband learns about the incident, then, according to the woman, life will not be her - though from the house run! Even not on the fault, it has no right for a mistake. In this house it was not accepted that the man sympathized, empathized, even just tried to understand “guilty“. So-called unwritten rules concern expression of feelings and emotions, existence of taboo subjects, the right for a consolation, a frankness limit, etc. Ideally unwritten rules establish a family where everyone will find love, understanding, support even if life behind a threshold of the house develops not really successfully. In such family of people can relax, unburden completely the heart, have a rest, gain strength to feel more confidently in world around.Is not present
- anarchy, down with dictatorship!
Not casually seven is called “a crystal of society“. On the one hand, everything that occurs in the country and the world, finds reflection in family life, exerts on it notable impact. With another - the device of “a cell of society“ definitely reminds some of the known ways and forms of implementation of the power in the state. It is clear, that lack of elementary regulation and planning creates anarchy in a family. Without someone`s management, that is at a beznachaliya and anarchy, about organized economy, an order in life, discipline out of the question. “The wolf law“ triumphs: who dared, that also ate! The private property prospers: all mine - my, all yours - too mine! An arbitrariness is created: on one performer three masters! Denial of any laws, non-recognition of authorities, a disorganization, absence of responsibility - all this regularly leads to spontaneous disorders and generates crises of a family. I dare to assure you that everything told above is not a far-fetched fabrication. I had to be in families where every morning began with shouts: “Guard! Again overslept from - for you! Who will lead the child in kindergarten? If there is no money, then give though sandwich for lunch! Do not dare to take my car!.“ And there was “a hungry revolt“ in the evening, sabotage was arranged or boycott was declared. It is indisputable, very bad if in a family there are no rules at all. But it is also bad when all family members reduce to servile obedience, holding hands on seams. It is even worse when they constantly feel on themselves influence of someone`s “echinoid mittens“ and are obliged to dance to tune of the house dictator unconditionally. It is important to feel a difference between adoption of some reasonable family rules and attempts to impose others the power, and then “to catch“ on sins to punish “guilty“. Yes, rules are connected with concepts also “should not“ “has to“, but it does not mean that someone one, invested by all completeness of the power, has the right to approve them, and then to order, to suppress, inspire, punish, pardon, to compel... If in a family disputes on as far as rules are good and in general do not calm down whether they are necessary, then something here not so. The way of check is simple: rules have to facilitate life to all members of household, but not complicate it. Dictatorship is categorically excluded, and voluntary execution, but in any way not coercion is entirely welcomed.
should talk About rules
Before writing article, I called familiar women and asked what rules exist in their families? Almost all admitted that they never thought of it, and could formulate only the principles of creation of the budget and the schedule of houseworks. I prepared some more questions and though expediency to set them disappeared, all - “announced all list“ and in detail deciphered that meant. For example, interested me: how there were rules in your family what functions they carry out who creates them - the most senior, the cleverest, the most strict? whether
rules which came from a family of parents, relatives Are? What rules to you help to live and what disturb? May you make something to change them? Whether often you update the rules and redistribute functions of members of household? In several days of the woman began to call me and to tell how simple discussion of this subject with husbands and children became revelation which improved their joint life. Someone managed to achieve release from “slavery“, someone had to restrain the obstinate temper. During talk many reasons of mutual misunderstanding, discontent with each other cleared up what it was not accepted to speak aloud earlier about. Other family members even did not guess rules by which someone was guided also submission which demanded. The wife of the businessman and the student`s mother for the first time in life verbally formulated that “trifle“ which is not enough for it. After the day spent in affairs and cares she looks forward to return of the husband and the daughter and wants not only to hear words of gratitude, but also to talk warmly to them about their problems, experiences, plans, dreams - suddenly she will be able to give advice or to calm them? Neither the husband, nor the daughter knew for what “balm for the soul“ wait from them. They got used to carry all ““ in themselves. The second - asked members of household to write the list of the obligations for the house. When the ten-year-old son saw that on him “a leaf of duties“ only two points (to buy milk and bread; to take out garbage), and the list of “affairs“ of the father and mother could not go in on one page, demanded to load it to the maximum and voluntarily refused that money which it got for this “job“.
In a family of one of girlfriends the real revolution happened.“ Tops“ and “bottoms“ rebelled. Children were indignant with the fact that parents do not carry out some rules: the father reads at a table and does not wash boots, mother watches TV lying and for hours stirs by phone. According to their fair requirement, all have to be equal and observe the same bans. The husband did not sustain oppressions too and lectured the half for the fact that she imposes him the tastes. Why he has no right to watch detective stories, and is obliged to admire voices of opera singers? Why cannot derive pleasure from the jazz and sport, and it is obliged to go with it on exhibitions? In this house forever and categorically got rid of the ridiculous “rules“ mentioning personal addictions and hobbies.