Lonely mother wishes to get acquainted...
to Step in lonely life after long years of marriage and one to raise the child very not easy. Many lonely women try to establish a new family and to arrange private life, but only the little manage it.
the Desperate razvedyonka?
To evening of acquaintances divorced 39 - summer Irina Osipova, mother of the seven-year-old son, prepared thoroughly: grew thin, it was tinted, say, began to look more stylishly and attractively. At evening, having chatted for a short time with several potential elects, Ira stopped the choice on one of them. Several times she vainly tried to communicate to it on the Internet. “As a result, - sighing, she tells, - I asked the employee who is engaged in an ustroitelstvo of such evenings to show me it the summary from which learned that he prefers childless women...“
Unfortunately, often attempts to anew arrange private life can be unsuccessful and painful. Not to mention factors which should be considered: a stress after divorce, the appeared need to earn more, difficult process of “ustakanivaniye“ of the new relations with the ex-husband, searches of the nurse for the child. It is quite enough above-mentioned that lonely mother, having despaired, forever buried idea to go for appointment and to spend evening in the company of the pleasant man.Actually not everything is so gloomy
. Many mummies even enjoy freedom provided by its new status! The modern woman does not feel like single mother forced to have by all means the husband to legalize the role of mother. Besides more and more the divorced women are busy with career and are not limited to family interests. Therefore they have no irresistible desire to fill with something the gaping emptiness in heart which was occupied quite recently by the husband.
30 years ago, for example, twice less lonely mothers, than now were. As a result the public opinion concerning lonely mothers (the desperate razvedenka which hunt for potential daddies for the unfortunate kids) cardinally changed. Modern lonely mother is more interested in the device of new life, and for this purpose it is absolutely optional to it to look for the man. If nevertheless the woman tries to find the soulmate, then does it on the conditions and not always at once after divorce. Though as a result the majority of them approximately in three years marries again. Nevertheless any divorced mummy meets certain difficulties. Also there are three basic rules which will help to overcome them.
First: you do not hurry . Think how the man chosen by you will be able to fit into your life.
Second: do not lose “feeling of balance“ . Put on one bowl of scales the requirements, on another - needs of your children.
Third: observe borders . Not all information on changes of your private life needs to share with children.
Most of the divorced women put work and education of children above own free time and female happiness. And if chronic deficiency of time is supplemented with difficult relations with the ex-husband and his unplanned visits for meetings with children, then many forever refuse spontaneously outlined appointments.
At the same time many lonely mothers, meeting other men, feel confident because they need to prove to nobody that they can marry at least once. They already took place in the most important role of the woman - a role of mother.
Some women want to marry and give birth repeatedly to the child from the new husband, but there are also others - frankly enjoying loneliness after unsuccessful marriage. Most of psychologists believe that the divorced mothers meeting new men, much more quietly and less disappointed with life than unmarried women. But it is given them hardly: foreign child for the man - not a long-awaited gift.“ When I meet men, I do not doubt that they are keen on me, - imparts experience 32 - summer Elena Startseva, the manager of major civil engineering firm. - Until I do not tell them that the house me is waited by the son. In most cases interest in me instantly died away. Sometimes men invited me to appointment and after learned about the son, but more likely just out of politeness“.
the Instant family
Is men, psychologists for whom lonely mother - an easy mark warn. They for some reason think that the young divorced mummies desperately look for man`s attention and love. They are heated by thought that such women have to them be grateful: the man turned the favorable look on it, but not on younger, childless, unmarried... Therefore before entering the serious relations with the man, it is better to try to find out motives of his courting.
37 - summer Olga Morshanova, mother of the three-year-old daughter, told about the failures which comprehended it in the relations with three men. One of them after the first meeting called it home 3 o`clock in the morning (to tell “Good morning“?). The second (too after the first appointment) declared that it does not fall into ecstasy from the fact that it has a child. The third called Olga “the hot mummy“ and said that she has “an instant family - only add water“. It is clear, that she fast said goodbye to these men.
Some men, especially those who did not learn paternity yet are frightened when they directly face reality where toys and pampers reign.“ I would like that for the man whom I meet the visit of cafe or of cinema with my child was not burdensome loading, - Olga argues. - For me the child is an indisputable priority and I hardly find time for evening appointments“. Unfortunately, not each man is capable to understand it.
“To be lonely mother and the woman, - all the same that to test a split personality, - argues 33 - the summer nurse Ekaterina Lavrova. - 90% of time I am mother of the five-year-old daughter, I can spend other 10% for myself and communicate to people interesting to me. It is enough again to feel 20 - summer! At first I worry that I left the house on appointment or a party, but then suddenly I understand: ooh, fine! It is possible to relax and distract from cares! There is something strange in at the same time to go out on dates and to be mother. But it is necessary to understand that you not only mother, but also just the person! And meetings with an opposite sex return me the self-confidence which thoroughly reeled after divorce“. By the way, for Katya acquaintance to the man - not end in itself. “How many times I was tried to be acquainted with potential grooms! But I did not hurry to find to myself the husband - concentrated at work, a family and not bad felt!“ - Katya who had a serious applicant for a hand and heart recently is frank. She regrets only for one: too early entered into the house of one of the boyfriends. In 6 months after divorce she was fond of one man and presented it the little daughter as the groom. After a while their ways dispersed, and the daughter who became attached to it asked for a long time: “Where the mother`s groom got to?“
When 30 - summer Marina Stepanova got divorced from husband, to her son Danila there was only a year. At first she allowed men whom met, to accompany them with the son on walks in park or invited to herself home.“ Soon I understood that it is better not to do it. All of them considered it necessary to show the parental abilities. One of them even began to correct reading the growing-up Danila that was not pleasant to me at all. As a result game in a family according to the bad scenario turned out“.
of the Man can only be told how they like to meet lonely mother. Actually not all not being married men feel comfortable as the father of the ready child. When 35 - the summer firefighter Igor Vasilyev began to meet with 33 - summer Anna, the manager of a supermarket, he could not adapt to the schedule of her son in any way - Gosha. Therefore Ania met it generally when the father had a boy. On the other hand, Igor liked in Ania the fact that she “appreciates a family and is very responsible“.“ I did not want to throw the son and the beloved in embraces of each other at once, - Anna remembers. - Tried that they communicated friendly taking into account that his father is engaged in Gosha much“. Over time beloveds of Anna had a true friendship. But she was disturbed by other problem: future acquaintance to Igor`s parents. Ania very much worried: as they will accept her child. But alarms were vain, Igor`s parents benevolent and recently Ania married Igor.
the Lonely father ready for a compromise
the Most reliable category of men for lonely mothers - lonely fathers. 40 - summer Inga Bovina accompanied every day the daughter Katya in school. And every day delightfully watched the man of average years, the carrying same route the daughter in school.“ It not only is good itself(himself), but also is attentive and accurate - at his seven-year-old daughter the wonderful braid was braided every day. It shook me“, - Inga smiles. Once they got to talking, got acquainted and learned a lot of things about each other. “It is much simpler to meet lonely fathers, - Inga says, - they are ready for compromises, it is important to child to understand that he - main, and the man has to treat normally it“. Besides lonely fathers are not less pragmatic, than lonely mothers. “On the first appointment Sergey laid out to me at once: it is divorced, I want to marry again. Meeting it, I anew learned myself. And very much I appreciate that it gave me this chance“.Lonely swimming of Marina Stepanova ended with
too. She got acquainted with 39 - the summer widower who one brought up the daughter.“ We understood soon that we at our schedules can meet only once a month“. Within a year they only occasionally saw, communicated only by phone, then understood: it is necessary either leave, or to link lives. They chose the last.to Arrange to
private life or to leave everything still?
“When we got divorced from husband after 10 years of joint life, - Elena Rybchinskaya is frank, - I promised to observe the law of three “not“: not to use the son in the relations with the husband, not to do a face lifting, not to turn into the lady ready to jump in a bed to the first comer. Nevertheless first of all I went to shop where sell beautiful underwear. If I also have to take off clothes in the presence of the new man, I will be better to roll in expensive laces, than in a modest faceless belyishk of a stall. Surprisingly, but together with new linen I had also new thoughts. Funny piece: for the first time for the adulthood reflections about sex began to confuse me. In dozamuzhny life everything was simple: whether I want to sleep with this young man and whether he wants to sleep with me? In married - it is even simpler: whether I want to sleep with the husband or I just want to sleep? But intimate life after divorce - business more difficult. With whom? When? And, above all, what for?
Only what I was sure up to the end of: I need to make a right choice for myself and the nine-year-old son Nikita. The choice which would not leave psychological scars in our souls which already painfully endured disintegration of a family. I perfectly understood: chances to make a foolish choice at once after divorce are very high! I did not want to plunge at all into an easy romanchik which would lead to inevitable communication of my son with absolutely foreign person. I swore not to acquaint Nikita with one of the new acquaintances until our relations do not move to more serious level. Sometimes I was even excessively circumspect. To meet the man after divorce - all the same what again to take the wheel after accident. You understand that it is necessary, but already you realize as it is easily possible not to manage to drive. In such state compliments, entertainments are necessary for the woman, first of all. And what actually? The night spent with the man, the next day in vain expectation of its phone call and overdue understanding that you were fooled.
my vigilance became aggravated when the ex-husband had the first girlfriend who stayed overnight even then when Nikita came to the father for the weekend. I was disturbed by their promptly developing relations, when we lived one family, Nikita had a habit in the mornings to rush to us into the room without knock and in turn to embrace us. “It is not necessary to come into a father`s bedroom if the door is closed“, - I told. “Because they have sex?“ - the son surprised me.“ Perhaps and so“. - “And what it “to have sex?“ I tried to explain this process more simply. “What muck!“ - the son frowned. Quite normal reaction of the child. Having constrained a smile, I nevertheless repeated:“ Do not come into the father`s room without knock“.
As far as I know, more son to the father without knock did not come and did not ask me questions of sex any more. Though he was irritated, of course, by inevitability to share the lawful hours with the father with some aunt. And then I solved: until passions settle, I will not force the son to share with someone else and mother. Nikita needs mother more, than me - dear friend.
Once in my life there was a man who on the first appointment (it became also the last) told me that he does not see the son - the teenager five years because his ex-wife such - syaky... Still I with shudder remember it. I tested something similar for love to the person who kissed me so as if I am the only woman on Earth: gently and at the same time passionately. I admired it. But, if to me on the way that man also met, time appeared not... Each lonely mother has the right for intimate life. But safe, with the man who will never force you to cry and definitely will never offend your children. The woman needs the life filled with love and respect. To put it briefly, such that suddenly there was a wish to shave for someone the legs which are tired out in a day. For now Sunday evenings I spend at home at the TV: at one edge of a sofa the dozing cat, on another - the beloved smiling son was attached. And between them I - all from itself romantic, old-fashioned and exacting, in a dressing gown under which the beautiful underwear is waiting in the wings“.
- of About 75% divorced - aged from 25 till 44 years.
- The more children lonely mother, the has less at it chances again to marry (about two million divorced women have one child, one million - two, half a million - three and more children aged till 18 years).
- of 75% of officially registered repeated marriages consist after the period of civil accommodation.
of One of the most widespread mistakes of lonely mothers psychologists consider by
attempt to connect the private life to family life. You do not hurry to do it: consequences can be the most unpleasant. Therefore:
Acquaint your friend with the children only if necessary.
Children can sincerely become attached to it and will feel left if your relations stop. Some kids will painfully endure the next loss.
discuss private life with children Less.At first present to
the man as the friend. So what do you do not wake in the child of feeling of rage, jealousy, will not provoke quite explainable “strike“ in relation to your friend.
Consider age of children.to Small children does not need to be presented to
the new friend at once. Without understanding yet that such appointment, they can begin to worry: can be, this uncle will be a new father. Also will see only one: foreign man takes away from them beloved mother. Children are more senior being able to understand that mother has to be happy not only in a family, but also beyond its limits.