Friends of the family of
Who is necessary to you more - a family or friends? And if the choice - only a family or only friends was coming? It is good that nobody seriously presents us with such choice. Because, as if we loved the husbands, children and parents and how valued the family, for entire happiness we lack them - these remarkable people ready to keep the company on weekdays and on holidays, ready to go with us to cinema and to make transition through the Alps. Never happens to them boringly, it is possible to discuss everything with them on light, with them we have no problems. Here unless...Communication with friends takes with
too much time
Idea of what place in life friends have to take, it develops in the childhood. Then also proximity degree in communication with them is defined. In many respects it depends on an example of parents and other relatives. The child who spent all the childhood in an environment of the huge friendly parental company in the future will aspire for certain to a reconstruction of the same type of the relations and in the family. Not the last role is played by features of character and temperament, such as sociability. Views can change also at adult age. So, for example, the supersociable wife and the closed husband sometimes as if adopt qualities of each other and approach in communication with friends golden mean. > “Me it is pleasant to
of p that the husband has many friends. All of them are cool children, and I not against their company at all. But except meetings joint, with wives and girlfriends, they still have only man`s “collecting“ - game in soccer, a bath and beer. I and against it have nothing, but is not also frequent. Nearly an every Wednesday - soccer, every Friday - a bath. And all this is not even discussed - it goes there, as to work. Sometimes they in the same way note successful affairs at work, sometimes - sew a victory (or not ours) the national team. And I stay at home, I re-read books“.
Similar claims - not a rarity. Also they are shown to men more often. Of course, happens that the wife is outdoors inclined to various hobbies, but usually it is cases when she is dissatisfied with the family life. When everything is all right, all her hobbies - in a family, with a family and for a family. It does not mean solitary life and lack in general of any interests. But women supplement with these interests and communication with girlfriends the family life, and to men, along with family life, another is necessary. It is not necessary to women any business to communicate among themselves, - communication is perceived by them as occupation. And men not can “simply to chat“ with friends, they gather for something concrete. It is work, sport, a collecting, hunting or fishing, and also discussion of all this behind beer or in a bath. whether
Can fight against it? It is possible, and any ways. All the same will not help: or instead of one hobby there will be another (it, quite perhaps, will not be pleasant to you even more), or instead of old friends will appear new (too it is unknown what), or there will be no friend left in general.
pay attention to positive sides of such pastime Better.
U you stable free time, and shaping, a cosmetology office, a hairdressing salon - at your disposal is (without remorse: how there darling?) . And at you is active, happy with itself - so, and all people around - the husband. Than not a gift?
By the way, people to whom no difficulties in communication with friends are made usually are capable to refuse it in case of need. And here the forbidden fruit, as we know, is attractive doubly.Friends are not pleasant to
“The husband hates my friend. She tells nonsense, too loudly laughs, too often comes without the prevention and badly influences me. Of course, he does not turn out her, but does everything possible that she left. Sits with a bored face, yawns, answers questions: “Yes“ - “No“. I tried to talk to it on this subject - it would be desirable good relations, - but it is unshakable:“ The onlooker sees most of the game that it for the person. You want - communicate, but without me“.... Now at me and with it the conflicts on this soil began to arise. Well not to speak to it that came when there is no husband the house?“
We cannot love all people, and it is quite probable that someone from relatives and friends of our elect or the darling not really - that is pleasant to us. Cases of extreme hostility happen quite seldom, but nevertheless popular wisdom about “the friend of my friend“ is confirmed not always. Why? People can have a different need for communication, and then the cheerful friendly parties turning into morning performances please and amuse one of spouses, but irritate and absolutely unsettle another. The usual jealousy can be other cause of such cool relation. It is difficult to admit it, but how differently to call feeling that to darling it is very good with someone another that this another he needs not less, than you what they are connected by warm memoirs and a great number of mutual friends?to
Well and, eventually, to us can not like someone because... just it is not pleasant. Those who are fond of psychoanalysis can find out for some two-three of years why, but it is more important to be defined, probably, in the behavior.
So, the first. Whatever feelings you had to friends of the husband (in general to someone`s friends), it is necessary to recognize that this their right. Think, than these friends are so dear what they give in the psychological plan? What provides such fortress of the relations?Be moderate
in criticism. Statements of type: “That can be the general with such people what with them it is possible to speak about!?“ - will surely lead to offense and even the conflict, it is known that people, something similar are on friendly terms. You can tell that you do not like a concrete act or something is concrete in behavior, but appearance, intelligence, moral qualities - not to touch.
If to you really does not like to communicate with these people, try to agree without offenses about separate pastime.
I, at last, council opposite: try to arrange as much as possible joint actions with them. It is not excluded that, having seen people in different life situations and having learned all their qualities, you change the attitude towards them and fall in love well just as family.Friends too are pleasant to
“My husband cannot be acquainted with anybody. As soon as there is my some friend, he begins to look after her in every possible way. All this becomes under the pretext of hospitality, but, know, with my aunt it is far not so polite and provident. I already am afraid to invite to the house of new acquaintances because all these courtesies, lovely jokes, search of mutual friends just got me“.
Probably, are very few people who, being happily married or she is married, never flirted. Having chosen one and only, we continue to communicate with different people, including with representatives of an opposite sex, including with those who are pleasant to us. In general, it is considered that any relations of the man and woman, even professional, have a shade of courting and game.Moderate flirtation is harmless
to the family relations and even, perhaps, is useful. New impressions, confirmation of the appeal to other people positively affect mood and recover the relations with the partner. But all have different ideas that is admissible in and such frivolous courting that - no. It is good if at the husband and the wife these representations coincide. If one of them considers as dissoluteness top a playful compliment to “foreign“ lady in the presence of the spouse, and another does not see in it anything reprehensible, hardly communication in the heterosexual company will be for both equally pleasant.
Of course, it is impossible to claim that such friendly acquaintances never pass into more serious relations. In life, as they say, there is a place to everything, and a set of vital dramas begin with that moment as someone acquainted the wife or the husband with the friends. So, maybe, it is safer not to have friends at all? It is unlikely. If the person has an internal readiness for the new novel, he will bring him - and with anyone. Therefore it is better to take care of the relations in a family, of preservation of mutual interest, of that the routine of life and conflict skirmishes did not force to seek for search of new options. On the other hand, avoid provocations. If you ask the girlfriend to stay in your absence on a camp site with your husband and the child and to live with them in one lodge, then do not complain in a week that between them there were very much cordial relations.
Friends influence behavior
to us important that people around and therefore our behavior is not always sincere think of us: we behave thus what impression we want to make about ourselves. In relation to a subject of communication of a family and friends it can look so. The husband comes from work, houses the wife with girlfriends drink coffee and discuss shopping. Having seen the husband, the wife speaks:“ Darling, I was so tired, make, please, a dinner. By the way, I forgot to buy products - descend fast in shop. Well, we wait for you“. And if the husband - the person non-contentious, he goes to shop, and girlfriends will ask council how to tame the man to such an extent. For the sake of it all was also started - to show the superiority in the relations.
of Options of how to show it, a set. The husband can tell in the presence of friends to a story about certain familiar girls, exchange calls with someone so that the wife had nothing to carp, but that all understood: he is the free person enjoying popularity, and the wife suffers all this because she very much loves it.
“We quarrel every time after visit of guests. Because the husband every time does me so many remarks, both apropos and without cause. What I did, all this not so:“ Lenochka who so does? Wine should not be cooled, here it is even written - for especially competent“. Or:“ Of course, you did not buy what I asked, - I only two times told, but not ten“. Treats me as with the little fool, and then says that it is just playful remarks. And usually (without guests) he so does not behave. On the contrary, he helps me, concedes and, of course, does not afford such rough jokes“.those who actually do not possess this superiority, and those who actually test uncertainty or even lameness in a family situation are inclined
To such demonstration of superiority. That to correct it, happens insufficiently just straight talk to the partner and requests to behave more tactfully. Better in everything to deal with the help of the family psychologist. Several joint visits will be very useful to psychological health of a family.
the Conflicts with friends
“We were on friendly terms several years with one married couple - Andrey and Masha. Had together a rest in the south, and the relations somehow developed at once. Many common interests were found in us, we took of each other the hint, and our children almost age-mates. Besides, they have among themselves such remarkable relations, as at us - probably, under the influence of an example - the conflicts became less. Generally, I was very glad that we have such friends. But several months ago the husband seriously swore with Andrey. The reason - Andrey promised something, but in due time did not make, as a result the husband brought people, communications with whom were very important on work etc. So I was told by the husband. Andrey told the wife in a different way so it is difficult to find out the real reason. Yes to me and it is not important what happened. But to communicate - that, is impossible now. We with Masha at first tried to return somehow everything, but did not leave: husbands are unshakable and adjust us too against each other“. >
it Grieves em to lose the relations even if there is a reason for the serious conflict. Also it would be desirable to avoid it, with age new friends appear more and more seldom. All this is understood, but it is frequent with delay when it is already difficult to return lost. >
- it is better for p not to do professional and any business With friends and relatives at all. Too often it comes to an end with the conflicts. The person can be the good friend, but at the same time not such competent employee as you expected. You appreciate friends those qualities which are also which provide your friendship. High requirements to people and to themselves for certain provide to
- social stability. But, you see, good people make sometimes bad acts too. If to stop the relations with all who behaved not as we expected and as we considered correct, then … several years - and New year we will meet all alone.
- If not you participate in the conflict, and your second half, then do not add fuel to the fire, and, on the contrary, smooth sharpness of a situation. Men clash concerning business problems - and then the wife can try to convince that in life there are not only affairs, and and just human communication. Women more often quarrel on interpersonal problems. The husband who considers that it is an utter nonsense, maybe to suggest the wife an idea that it is possible to take not so seriously who that not so told. As if you were angry
- on the person, try to follow the basic rules of behavior in the conflict: sort a concrete situation, but not personal qualities; you tell more about the feelings, but you do not hold up to shame; you do not pass to discussion of relatives and to forecasts concerning children; “never“ do not threaten and bring development of the situation to the word.
- be not afraid to take the first step to reconciliation, or perhaps and to apologize for the fact that in a rush of anger told superfluous. You will only benefit from it.
- do not try to remember offenses on for the rest of the life. Except that they slow down restoration of the relations with other people, they are capable to influence your own state and to worsen health.
- Try to look at all situation from outside, eyes absolutely of the stranger. Present that the opposite side tells about the conflict. Think why the friend, your in the recent past, or the girlfriend arrived quite so why they told these words. Unambiguously - because they are also emotional and they also have some claims on your certain attitude towards themselves. Try to glance
- for several years ahead. What will be if you break off the relations finally? What will you lose also what you will get? Now make the choice - to remain to your friendship in the past or to proceed in the present and the future.
P. S. Not in rules of psychologists to insist (and especially to press), but if you chose the first option, do all this procedure in a month. Everything in the world changes, and our perception of this world - too. And friendship - too great value to lose it from - for small personal ambitions.