The sensitive child of
of Missile defense the offense in the people is said that it “corrodes soul“. The person who constantly lives with this feeling suffers itself and creates discomfort to people around, will - bondage turning into the derelict. It is difficult to cope with this problem even to the adult. And how to be if still the little person suffers from own sensitivity absolutely?
What is offense
a resentment it is possible to sketch as the painful experience of the person (offended), connected with his ignoring or rejection by partners in communication . This experience is always connected with unjustified expectations and directed to other specific person (offender).
the First offenses arise at preschool age. Small children (till 3 - 4 years) can be upset, require attention to themselves, complain of peers, but do not “get stuck“ on these experiences and quickly forget them. In all the completeness the phenomenon of offense begins to be shown after 5 years, in connection with emergence at this age of need for recognition and respect - at first adults, and then and other children. At this age as the main subject of offense the peer, as a rule, begins to act.
When the kid takes offense
Offense at another is shown when the child sharply endures an ushchemlennost of the “I“, the unacknowledgment, a nezamechennost. Treat these situations:
- ignoring or insufficient attention from partners (for example, the child is not invited to play, do not give a desired role);
- refusal in something necessary and desired (do not give the promised toy, refuse an entertainment or a gift);
- the disrespectful relation from others (an obzyvatelstvo, teasers);
- success and superiority of others, lack of a praise.
In all these cases rejected and restrained. However in the same situation each child will arrive in own way. One will try to settle the conflict, another will show anger and aggression, and the third - will take offense. In a condition of offense the child does not seek to resolve a disputable situation from force position - he does not fight, does not attack the offender, does not revenge it. A task of the kid in showing “obizhennost“. Offended by all the behavior shows to the offender that that is guilty and he should apologize or to improve somehow. He turns away, ceases to talk, defiantly shows “sufferings“.
the Behaviour of children in a condition of offense has interesting and paradoxical feature. On the one hand, it has obviously demonstrative character and is directed to drawing attention to itself. With another - “unfortunate“ refuse communication with the offender, are silent, turn away, leave aside. Similar reaction is used as means of drawing attention to itself as a way to cause sense of guilt and repentances in the one who offended. Such demonstration of the experiences and underlining of fault of other person obviously distinguishes acts of the offended child from aggressive forms of behavior.
Offended or it seemed?
To some extent a resentment is endured by each person. However sensitivity “threshold“ at all various. In the same cases (for example, in a situation of success of other or own loss in game) one children feel wounded and offended, and others do not experience similar experiences.
Sometimes the offense arises in situations of quite neutral character. For example, the girl takes offense that girlfriends play without her, but at the same time does not make any attempts to join their occupation, and defiantly turns away and with rage glances at them. Or the boy takes offense when the tutor is engaged with his friend. It is obvious that in these cases the child attributes others the disrespectful attitude towards himself, sees what actually is not present .
Thus, it is necessary to distinguish adequate and inadequate a reason for manifestation of offense.Adequate can consider by
an occasion when conscious rejection of the partner in communication, its ignoring or the disrespectful relation takes place. As also reasonable it is possible to consider offense if it was caused by the person, significant for the kid, on whose recognition and attention he counts.
Inadequate for manifestation of offense is the occasion when partners actually do not test disrespect or rejection for offended. In this case the person reacts not to the real relation of people around, and to own unjustified expectations, to what he attributes to others.
Inadequacy of a source of offense is also that criterion by which it is necessary to distinguish offense as natural and inevitable reaction of the person and sensitivity as steady and destructive line of the personality. The increased frequency of manifestations of offense is a natural consequence of this line. In other words, sensitive call those who often take offense. Such people constantly see neglect and disrespect for themselves in people around, and therefore at them there is a lot of reasons for offense. Using these criteria in the course of supervision over children, it is possible to allocate the kids inclined to sensitivity.This line is brightly shown by
in reactions of the child to progress of the partner, to situations when that is praised. Usually similar facts do not cause offense in children though each child on them can have a different reaction. One as if do not notice progress of people around and try to draw to themselves attention of adults (tell about the achievements in something another, themselves praised). Others actively join in activity, seek to perform the work as it is possible better, to surpass the partner and to deserve the adult`s praise. And the third show full confusion, turn away and in general stop work. The last case is also reaction of the sensitive child. Admiration of work of another turns out so intolerable for such kid that he just can do nothing farther. Unlike others, this child can show strong negative emotions: depression, helplessness, can even begin to cry. The matter is that sensitive children perceive foreign progress as own humiliation and ignoring of, and therefore worry and show offense.
Personal features of sensitive children
the Characteristic distinctive feature of such kids - bright installation on the estimated attitude towards itself and continuous expectation of a positive assessment which lack is perceived by the child as denial him.
the Main difficulty of sensitive children consists in perception of people around as source negative, negligence to them . There is very indicative example. Kids were given a task to tell something about the friend. Usually children, speaking about peers, call their direct descriptive characteristics (cheerful, walks in a red jacket, beautiful, sings, misbehaves etc.) . At sensitive children the vast majority of statements concern only the attitude of others towards their person (is on friendly terms with me or is not on friendly terms, shares or does not share, plays or does not play) in essence, a hero of these stories is not the friend, but the story-teller. For example: “I only with Lyusy am on friendly terms. Only she feels sorry for me, plays with me different games, tells me different stories. And all others are not on friendly terms with me“ .
One more interesting feature of sensitive kids - fantastic character of their stories . More than in half of cases these children invent unusual characters and unreal stories. For example, tell about the meeting with the speaking bird, about rescue of the friend from evil monsters, about how together with the friend caught dolphins and whales, etc. They as if do not notice the real peers.
does not occur In stories of other children of similar stories. Not sensitive preschool children usually tell about friends from group of kindergarten and about ordinary events from life.
Own imaginations in which the sensitive child has all imaginable advantages (force, beauty, unusual bravery) close from it reality and replace the valid relations with other children. The assessment of the “I“ and the attitudes towards itself replaces for them direct perception of peers and the relation with them.the Self-assessment of sensitive children is rather high
and differs from indicators of other children a little. However at this group of children considerable divergences meanwhile as he estimates himself and as, from his point of view, it is estimated by other people are observed (parents and peers). If the father and mother, according to the child, treat him approximately the same as he treats himself, then among peers as it seems to it, this assessment is much lower. At other children these distinctions are not so expressed - they consider that friends and adults estimate them approximately equally.
Thus, sensitive children have an obvious feeling of “undervaluation“, unacknowledgment of their advantages and own isolation which is not true as, as a rule, sensitive children, despite their conflictness, do not belong to number unpopular or rejected. the Underestimated assessment of sensitive children in the opinion of peers is result only of their own representations .This fact indicates
one more paradoxical feature of such children. On the one hand, they are obviously focused on the positive attitude towards themselves of people around and all the behavior demand continuous demonstration of respect, approval, recognition. With another - on their representations people underestimate them. And they are constantly ready for negative opinion of others on themselves. In certain cases they initiate situations in which could feel outcast, unrecognized, and, taking offense at peers, have from it a peculiar satisfaction .
Getting into a conflict situation, and at times - initiating it, sensitive children do not try to resolve a difficult situation, and as if “get stuck“ in quarrel and plunge into estimation of its participants. Condemnation of one and a justification of others (mainly themselves) is for them the important occupation bringing special satisfaction. Such child with pleasure emphasizes how badly he was treated by people around as they are guilty to it. Charge of others and a justification of in this case becomes the independent task more important and attractive, than resolution of conflict. The kid is limited to condemnation, charge of the offender, a justification of “victim“, and does not even try to find some way out of a problem situation. Quite often reaction of offense acts as the decision:“ I took offense“ - the child states and leaves aside. Unlike it the children not inclined to offense, in most cases offer either constructive, or aggressive solutions.
the General portrait
From all aforesaid can draw a conclusion that is the cornerstone of the increased sensitivity tensely - painful the child`s attitude towards itself and a self-assessment. It is as if fixed on own “I“ and the attitude towards itself(himself) from people around. Similar self-concentration generates sharp and not saturable need for recognition and respect. The child needs continuous confirmation of own value, the importance, “lyubimost“. At the same time the kid attributes to people around neglect and disrespect for himself that gives to him the imaginary grounds for offense and charge of others. It is extremely difficult to break off this vicious circle. The child constantly looks at himself eyes of others and estimates himself these eyes, being as if in system of mirrors. These “mirrors“ allow to see only themselves, closing world around and other people. Business even not in that, how correctly the child estimates himself and the opportunities, and that this assessment becomes the main maintenance of his life. All this brings to the child sharp painful experiences and interferes with normal development of the personality, generates inevitable problems in the interpersonal relations with other people.
How to help the child
Usually parents, understanding special vulnerability of the sensitive kid, his aggravated need for recognition and respect, seek to satisfy this requirement and as often as possible to praise and encourage it. However the need for a praise cannot be satisfied completely. Moreover, any assessment (both negative, and positive) focuses attention of the child on these or those qualities of the character, on continuous comparison of with others. As a result the peer begins to be perceived not as the equal partner, and as the competitor, the rival and a source of offense. Therefore lack of estimates and comparison of children (who are better and who is worse) has to become one of the first conditions of overcoming of sensitivity .to
Despite evidence of this principle, to it it is difficult to follow in practice. Encouragement and censures was strongly included into traditional methods of education. Usually it seems to adults that the love to the child is expressed first of all in his praise. However lack of estimates does not mean the general indifference to the kid at all. On the contrary, the parental love and goodwill - necessary conditions of his education, and they should not depend on concrete progress and achievements of the baby. Adults have to seek to relieve the kid of need to ego-trip and prove the superiority. He has to feel constantly respect for himself and goodwill of people around. Only then the little man will feel uniqueness, pricelessness of the personality, and will not need continuous encouragement and comparisons with others.are extended by
in practice of preschool education and competitions, games - competitions, duels and competitions are widely used. But it is better for sensitive children not to play such games as all of them direct attention to own qualities and advantages, generate orientation to an assessment of people around and, finally, - unjustified expectations and offenses.main - to show
For overcoming of sensitivity to the child that the assessment and the relation of others - not the most important in his life and that other children have the interests and desires, and are concentrated on his person at all. They do not express the neglect, and just go about the own business (play, build, talk).with
Of course to explain all this in words to the preschool child it is useless.“ “Fixed“ on itself it is possible to shift“ the child with such, opening for him new interests, switching his attention to creativity, creation and full communication. Such traditional occupations as drawing, a molding, designing, open rich opportunities for this purpose. The kid has to feel pleasure from the process of drawing or game - not because it does it best of all, and it for it will be praised but because it is interesting, especially if to do everything together with others. Interest in fairy tales, songs, examining of pictures will distract the child from thoughts of itself and of the relation of people around to it too. Other children have to become for it not a source of offense, and partners in common cause. the Main task is drawing attention of the child to other person and his various manifestations: to appearance, moods, movements, actions and acts . He has to understand that other children exist at all not to respect or to respect him. It is for this purpose important to create situations and to organize games in which children can endure a community and participation with each other in real interaction. These are first of all role-playing, round games, simple games with rules etc. Similar occupations give the chance to the sensitive child to see in peers of friends and partners. Such relations generate sympathy, empathy, ability to rejoice to foreign progress and help to avoid offense.
Of course, all this, especially at the beginning, demands from adults of participation, so, time and forces. But it is necessary to remember that preschool age (till 6 - 7 years) - a stage of extremely intensive formation of the personality, consciousness and fromcarrying to people around. During this period it is still possible to remove fixing on himself and to overcome various difficulties in the relations with others including sensitivity. In process of a growing of the child it will be more difficult to make it...