Mother, do not abuse yourself in vain!
you feel that literally breaks off you on part. At you it is impossible to combine work and education of the child in any way, and it is not possible to choose something one for you. As soon as you take a step towards the house, begin to think of the work which remained behind “shot“, affairs, career or earnings. But also the step to the opposite side does not rescue - from the head there are no diapers, small bottles, the first words or the first diseases...
to you Should think of work again or to try to be engaged in it, you notice what delays you “the terrible force“ to the child. You even begin to feel like the traitress who left the kid to the mercy of fate. And you stay at home... But the same force pulls you for work and when you try to be good mother, play with the kid, prepare for him something tasty, thoughts persistently take away you to affairs, magnificent solutions of professional problems are at the tip of the tongue, and the child instead of pleasure causes for some reason irritation and disappointment.
How not to fall into a trap?If all this about you, so you appeared
in one of the most widespread traps for modern women which is called “the child or work“ or “I have to cope with all problems“. It is very heavy to be in this state for a long time. Especially as this situation is aggravated with constantly growing sense of guilt before the child, before colleagues, before by itself. But how you appeared in this situation? On the one hand, modern society which suggests the woman not to waste time, not to miss chances and to receive everything from life is guilty of it. “You can do everything“, - as though it speaks the movies, advertizing, reportings. And, having inspired with examples of heroines of telecasts or just girlfriends and acquaintances, the woman undertakes work, a family, the child. But somehow imperceptibly encouraging: “You can do everything“ is replaced by categorical: “You all have to“... And, having taken the responsibility for what happens to the child, the husband, work and own spiritual and personal growth, it automatically appears in a trap. Now, it should only trying to evade from some of the undertaken duties as mighty force - sense of guilt goes into action.
Sense of guilt is that the woman begins to reproach and accuse herself of all failures and troubles which occur at home or at work. “My boy got sick because I was late at work and did not arrive on time home“.“ I have to finish study, I am engaged much and therefore the daughter sleeps badly and almost eats nothing “.“ I keep thinking of how there are affairs at the son in a garden and therefore I cannot concentrate at work, I pass mistakes and I reprint documents several times“. As a result of all these reflections a conclusion arises: “I am bad mother“ or: “I am the unsuccessful worker“. If to allow sense of guilt to expand, then it can take the form which is called “So to me and it is necessary“ or “Let to me it will be worse“. The woman begins to punish unconsciously herself for insufficiently good care of the child, for what not all attention gives to the kid and immediately meets not all his desires. Or for what does not meet expectations of the chief performance of work detains and does not put in it heart and soul.“ I cannot allow to do for myself something good and pleasant, - Masha complains, - I know that I will not buy new things and to watch interesting movies, and I will load myself more and more until something does not stop this mad roundabout. Then it will be possible to lay down under a warm plaid, to drink hot tea, to watch silly movies, to play with the kid and to do a lot more nice and necessary things which hands do not reach“.
sense of guilt In itself is the important regulator of behavior of people and their interactions with other members of society. It can act as the first signal of the approaching trouble, urging the person to pay attention to a disorder which, perhaps, was caused by some perfect actions. Healthy sense of guilt is a continuation of responsibility which is taken on himself by the person. It allows to notice that you made something not so, and then to correct it, to apologize, remember mistakes on the future. Conscientious and decent, sensitive to what occurs around a quantity of healthy sense of guilt is inherent in people. However the painful fault can become not only a source of unpleasant experiences, but also at one “fine“ moment to destroy normal human life.
Images of the good person
In our society are several images of the working woman. The negative image is presented by the unsuccessful, uncombed, not accurate woman who carries out the duties formally and thoughtlessly, and everything strives to escape from work a bit earlier and thinks only of the interest (a family and children) instead of moving forward production and to seek to professional growth. The positive image of the working woman is personified by the interesting and vigorous lady who besides easily solves all problems occurring at her place. No shadow of alarm appears on her sure person, and nobody can even suspect that something afflicts her: it has always all o`ky.
- the Conducted researches on development of children of the working and unemployed mothers showed that at the working and trained women children develop quicker, than at those who entirely devoted themselves to the house. It speaks not only higher education level at the working women, but also to those that time spent with the child is more saturated communication, it is appreciated above by both mother, and the child while at unemployed women communication with the kid is gradually reduced to care of it or almost entirely devoted to housekeeping.
Now how the correct and wrong mother is presented in our society. Wrong - the uniform egoist who goes about only the own business is not interested in the child at all, throws him on care one, other “foreign“ people - the kid passes from one another nurse, from grandmothers to the aunts, familiar, is ill, badly studies and further becomes the unfortunate loser. The correct, good mother - the idea carrier that children it is the most important. She devotes all herself to the kid: it is friendly, careful, attentive, does homework with the child, drives him in circles, arranges round dances, sings lullabies, bakes pies, plays sports and always near the kid, it is always ready to come to the rescue at a difficult moment. whether
it seems to you that the correct business woman reminds nasty mother, and in good mother lines of the poor workman are put? Thus, the images of the professional and good mother offered by modern society contain a contradiction which brings the woman into a trap under the name “work or child“.to Whom it is favorable to
? >we will try to answer with
with b a key question Now: to whom it is favorable that the woman had sense of guilt and ran around like a mad? The answer, most likely, will surprise you, but it is really favorable almost to all, sometimes even to the woman. When the person has sense of guilt, he easily agrees to additional concessions, undertakes additional responsibility. If the woman feels guilty to the child, relatives, the husband, she agrees to carry out more and more duties that to wash away this guilt. And then other family members are exempted from these duties (most often absolutely without noticing it) and begin to receive from it a certain benefit. That is, when mother comes from work, abusing herself for the fact that spent so much time outdoors and the poor child suffered without it, and in his easy whims she will be able to see the awful tortures of the kid which are thought up by it and to improve situation, will start executing all its whims. Now to it any more not severity or education - it is ready to reach the Moon from the sky, only “to wash away“ guilt.Excess responsibility is also favorable by
to employees on work and the administration. Usually, having undertaken some duty, the woman feeling guilty, most likely, will finish business, having executed at the same time and a share of colleagues. However she will not apply for increase as knows that she is insufficiently good worker and directs too many efforts to a family.
But the most interesting that in some degree guilty to be favorable also to the woman. The matter is that in the very bottom sense of guilt, behind an unpleasant remorse and claims to itself the feeling of own importance and indispensability hides. “Only mother can give to the child all most necessary. Unless the grandmother or the nurse can understand the child as well as the mother!“ - it is proud Irina speaks, refusing the help of “strangers“. But these proud words have also other party. If to the child it is bad, then only mother is guilty of it too...
What is told by psychologists?
Of course, mother is very necessary to the child. It is good when it can be near to love, be sorry, understand, feed, dress, play. It is clear, that it becomes offensive for the kid if mother is distracted by any other “unclear“ things, and even leaves the house and throws it. Some children strongly are jealous mother of work or study. “I will break your university, and you will have no place to leave!“ - with indignation the three-year-old son declares. But at the same time with what pride he speaks to the acquaintances: “My mother at institute!“
In order that the kid received attention necessary for it from mother, normally communicated with it, was sated with her society, not a lot of time is necessary. It is much more forces and time leaves on achieving its attention, to distract from other cares, to force to address the child. Both requests, and whims, and infinite “well, mothers are used!“. Usually after some time of communication the kid can continue the studies independently or in the company of other children or adults.“ And now I went on a visit to the grandmother“, - the played enough kid with satisfaction declares. So it is very important to remember that the most important for the child is not amount of time spent on communication and education, but its quality, contents. It is important to be together with the child, to notice him, to communicate with him not so much in the thoughts (when you are far from it) and when you nearby, together.
What it is possible to advise mothers who appeared between work and the child, make the choice for the first or the last or, perhaps, try to combine both, having at the same time sense of guilt? In - the first, look attentively whether really from your decision to someone it becomes worse and worse? Whether so that the child cannot receive sufficient attention and care in your absence? Whether the truth that he ceased to recognize you and takes for the foreign aunt? Whether it is valid, work stops if you pass several days from - for diseases of the kid? Whether it is right that nobody can replace you if suddenly you urgently have to leave home a bit earlier? Having answered these questions, you will be able to understand whether there are real bases for your experiences or all of them are called by painful sense of guilt and hypertrophied responsibility. Of course, in certain cases you should make the decision on temporary reduction of working duties, however, maybe, you are convinced that your sense of guilt is a direct road in a trap for the modern woman. Try not to get to it!at
In - the second, look to whom your sense of guilt is favorable. For example, decide whether it is time for your relatives to undertake part of responsibility for education of the child, housekeeping or financial security of a family. Try to discuss with them these questions, maybe, together you will be able to distribute forces and responsibility in a new way.
B - the third, try to praise yourself for what you manage to make, and do not abuse yourself for the fact that so far it is impossible as well as you would like it.