The love has no suspensive condition of
Write only about the experiences, without applying for to give advice or to parade the feelings, expecting enthusiastic responses. What I write about, worried together with the wife, addressing periodically in conference of this website, many thanks to Telenatya, OleLukoe and to all who supported us. About why made the decision on adoption, I already wrote. To whom it is interesting, can find my letter on this website (“Man-to-man talk“ in the section EKO).
So, the decision was made. We begin to conduct negotiations with relatives. Our decision surprised nobody as all were aware of our “drudgeries“ in the medical centers. After a while a general unification concerning the forthcoming adoption / adoption, shy questions of that began to sound, as if to find good parents, and it is better - a good studentochka which “incidentally flew, but gave birth to the strange child“.
Admit to yourself honestly that such option can be, but it is so unreal... It can wish, but it is not necessary to wait. Do not adjust yourself on a miracle.
you Think, it is cruel? Here so to take and besiege high rushes of soul? You know when I re-read articles, recommendations, etc. of adoption, sometimes met such opinion:“ Soberly you look at a situation about adoption of the child“. Here pragmatists insensible! After a while after adoption of the child I understood what means “soberly to estimate the acts“. I emphasize what understood, but did not regret.
the Man should not withdraw from the process of adoption. Do not try to escape from yourself, referring to the fact that you agreed to adoption, but are so loaded at work that you cannot devote to this question much time. It is not necessary to make the decision for the sake of the wife, considering that she will take care further of everything. You have to be ready to fall in love, but not to accept the nonnative child. >
For the man it is psychologically much more difficult for p to make the decision on adoption, than for the woman. And if the man has medical problems which do not allow to have children - it aggravates a situation. The woman is initially ready to accept foreign child if wishes that. The nature blessed with its such gift. For the man it is first of all blow to man`s vanity which is necessary below a belt...
Why I stop on such, apparently, insignificant questions? Because idealistic opinion that, having accepted in a family of the nonnative child, you will make it happy, and he will be grateful to you for it and will love you always, is true only in the first part. In general, honestly admit to yourself that you make the decision on adoption, but not the child. Also you do it from - for the fact that you had such desire, but not from - for what about it was asked by the child.the Love is unconditional
. The love has no conditions. Accepting the child in the family, give him the love, without demanding instead of gratitude “that it was taken away from orphanage“, “for the fact that if not you, it it is unknown whom grew and where now would be“, etc. Just you love the child.
Made the decision, collected necessary documents and went to orphanage. How collected documents, there is no sense separately to narrate - at everyone it occurs differently. I cannot tell that it was difficult and tiresome in our case: in two weeks we passed all necessary coordination.
that significant day was shone by a bright sun and cheerfully birds sang... Honestly? That day we with the wife on staunch legs approached orphanage and slowly began ascension on steps on the second floor where there was a deputy chief physician. To us on a meeting the group of kids of 2 - 3 years which oddly everything (and them was not less than ten) held the tutor`s hands went down, and with curiosity examined us.
U me the strong feeling of fault before them for the fact that I go “to choose“ one child arose. Out of the corner of the eye I see how at the wife eyes are filled with tears. The situation should be rescued. I try to joke. Unsuccessfully. Itself, any minute, I will burst into tears. We come to the deputy chief physician. Its first reaction: “You still young (me 36, the wife 32), maybe, will try?“ On my eloquent look she understood that it is necessary to pass to business. We were invited to the hall and reported that will show two boys and one girl which have to suit us.
Frankly speaking, we had one request - the child about a year with the most famous information on his parents. Began with the boy who was presented “the father`s son“ (i.e. he is my son, and I am his father). I understood not at once about what son and the father there is a speech. Reached me later that the boy who to us is wanted to be shown is similar to me, and I am, so, already his father. We enter into group... I do not see faces of children... Eyes... One eyes which stick into you, and before which you feel the fault for everything. For all opportunities which you have and which did not get to these remains. Regained consciousness... The wife holds me by a hand, smearing tears which does not try to hide any more. Cheerful tutors rolled out on walkers to the boy who was presented “the father`s son“. I look at it and I cannot understand and where I? Reddish volosik, round face. Well, unless that brown glazishcha. He looked at me and moved back back. I hear approving exclamations with the requirement to take the child on hands. I approach and try to take the boy, and he - in tears. No, I think, not mine. Nothing in a nutria “missed a bit“, burst into tears, besides is not similar to me. More in group we were not driven, the others, the boy and the girl, removed to us to the hall. Hardly constraining tears, we smile to children, but it is understood that we will not be able “to touch“ children.
I Think that it is more correct to begin “acquaintance“ to the child with his medical card. In this case, the choice goes at the level of biographical and medical particulars. It will be easier for you to be defined what child you want to meet. Do not consider yourself heartless if initially to you in the child, something is not pleasant: appearance, the questionnaire, etc., persuade themselves to pay to it attention. You remember, it is necessary “to estimate soberly the acts“. Do not hide from each other the doubts. It is better to resolve them before making decision on an adoption / adoption. Can happen so that someone from you will not be ready to those difficulties which you will meet (medical, psychological). Absolutely normally, when you decide to conduct independent medical examination of the child is not a ruthless selection criterion, it is an opportunity, first of all, to estimate the forces.
Came back home. Without knowing how to be at loss for words, I squeeze out from myself:“ Who was pleasant to you“? Having cried, the wife told that she liked Artur. So called the boy who to us was shown to the first. Next day we go to Artur on a visit. The group “pleased“ us - the child got sick and now in an insulator. We go to an insulator. The personnel are friendly, agreed to take out the boy to us in a waiting room. Having taken this baby on hands and having pressed to itself, I understood that I will never leave it. Let it will be red and full-faced, let it reluctantly go to me - it is my son, and I am his father.the Decision was made by
. It was necessary to execute formalities. Lack of refusal of mother of the child was the biggest problem. There is no sense to describe how I found biomother`s address. However in the course of this search I understood one - in our country (I think, in all former ex-the USSR) there is no concept “confidentiality“ at all. Therefore I drew a conclusion:“ secret of adoption“ concept ephemeral which is not inherent in our Post-Soviet reality. This conclusion strengthened me in my position not to suppress the adoption fact from the son.
the Meeting with biomother took place. What to tell you “about Sakhalin“... Never meet bioparents if in it there is no need. You know when it is not known of parents of the child whom you adopt, itself can think up any legend in which you will believe. But when all “facts of life“ arise before your eyes... Better not to know it.
It is natural, there is the first thought of heredity. Heredity, heredity... To hell this heredity! I was tired to read articles about heredity from is banal - publicistic to scientifically - research. Look at the friends and relatives surrounding you, leave a genetic delicacy to those to whom it is necessary. Unless among your environment you will not find a family in which at perfectly - genetic parents grew the son / daughter, to put it mildly, with asocial behavior? Yes, I had a father the big fan to drink. In those conditions in which I grew there were all prerequisites to mine to “asocial behavior“, following the theory about genetic predisposition. Nevertheless, it did not happen. I consider myself as the self-sufficient personality, I work as the lawyer in own law firm. Where heredity? Correctly.
Ya I do not deny existence of genetic predisposition, but that`s business - predispositions. It is silly to consider that one person has a gene which is responsible, for example, for theft, and another does not have it. What will be your child, depends only on you: from your desire to present it the love. Lyubov who has nothing in common with a pamperedness and permissiveness.
Present to the child love just because it with you nearby. Present just that it is, but not for its abilities. You love without conditions. Because he without your love will not survive.
In general as Arkady Raikin spoke, I received refusal with which I rushed in court from biomother. As I have a certain reputation in judicial authorities, the meeting about adoption took place quickly. By that moment we visited every day the son. The easy alarm on the fact that he without special difficulties leaves us, naturally, was present.
Eventually, there came day when we came to take away it home. It is difficult to transfer the feelings. We enter into group, and he, the first time during all the time, itself as could, went to me and stretched the handles. The dumbfounded tutors told that he tried to pull their whole day to a door, seeking to learn, we came or not. Tried to take away it to change clothes, it in tears. Which - as dressed. We go outside with it. I feel how it grasped me, and I remember how said to us that the group in which there was our son did not go outside - all children about one year. Safely got home. Going out of the car, I understand that soon we will be object of close attention of all house.I consider
Ya that there is no sense to suppress the adoption fact. Not everyone will decide to change the life radically: to change the place a residence, work and an environment to keep everything in secret. It is much simpler to tell all “the person interested to get to the truth“ that your child lived not with you before, but now you together. Clever will understand, and the fool and will guess - yours is the child or not.Be ready
that your first weeks, months of cohabitation will seem to you, to put it mildly, discomfortable. For example, we had an impression that we live with world around in parallel. Habitual tenor of life not just changed, we began to lead other life. The prose of adoption was much more rigid, than it was supposed. The matter is that accommodation with the child from the moment of his birth gives great opportunities to his parents to understand needs of the child: wants to eat, the tummy, etc. hurts. When you have a child whom you do not understand - it is communication of the deaf with mute.Imagine
that you got not just to unfamiliar society, and to other world in which there live beings unknown to you (I mean men whom the child, as a rule, in orphanage never saw) and whom you cannot understand. And these beings everything arrive and arrive, all different and them is a lot of (it about relatives and friends who consider a duty to come to you in the first days of your joint life). I think that the child quite so estimates those changes which happened in his life. At the same time parents very much try to prove to guests that their so clever child and bright... Leave the child alone! At it and so rather stressful situation. It changed a habitual environment, mothers disappeared somewhere (so in orphanage call all tutors); the food is not such to which he got used; the bed not such and not so costs, etc. You easily manage to fall asleep on the new place? You can present a condition of the child?
9 “No“ which it is necessary to carry out
- do not invite anybody on a visit.
- do not change a daily routine of the child. do not arrange to
- “a table with the mountain“.
- do not throw out inconceivable quantity of the squealing and moving toys before the child.
- do not dress the child in “a difficult design“ of clothes (he did not get used to change clothes often).
- you do not go at first to the street to places of a congestion of children and adults (sandboxes, attractions, etc.) .
- do not begin “to introduce“ any educational techniques. do not leave to
- the child of one in the room (including at night if he cries). DO NOT READ
- SPOCK (it not for your situation).
there Passed ten months as we together. What do I feel? Boundless happiness. I cannot believe that we could “not meet“ our son. It is difficult for me to present that me never in life no who would call “father“. Honestly, me all the same whom he will want to become and whether he will be an excellent student at school. What do I want? I want that our son just loved us as we love him. Because the love cannot exist with a suspensive condition.