Mine husband and my father: two in the field are soldiers?
of Relationship of the son-in-law and the father-in-law rather seldom draw to themselves attention even of the immediate family. There is a lot of reasons for that. One of them - the fact that men in general (and the father-in-law and the son-in-law in particular) are inclined to sample communication which differs in bigger restraint, than female. But in some families the father-in-law and the son-in-law cannot find a common language in any way, than bring a lot of trouble and chagrin not only himself, but also the wives and daughters. Also the concrete occasion is not so important, from - for whom there are small skirmishes or even large-scale military operations are developed, - the reasons of regular quarrels are usually covered in deeper layers of the personality and the general emotional atmosphere.
Father-in-law of my husband: in an empty nest
When the daughter marries, each of her parents enters a new phase of the life.
how the father will apprehend changes in the social status of the daughter, depends first of all on type of his personality and on what relations developed at them with the daughter throughout her childhood and youth.
the Father treats the little daughter less in the same way, than mother, and his idea of the daughter adult - her appearance, character, manners - is usually more accurate, than about the adult son; in the daughter more, than in someone another, the father wants to see the embodiment of the ideal of the woman. The father plays a crucial role in formation at the girl of those models of the relations with men to whom it will follow in the further life and who with huge work give in to correction not only at mature age, but even in youth. And, as a rule, parents have much more disagreements concerning education of daughters, but not sons. And the fact that “sons“ - the usual myth with which justify allegedly unsoluble problems of mutual understanding and emotional proximity are always closer to men.
Ideally by a marriage time the girl already has to reach a certain psychological independence of parents, and they - to grant it the right most to dispose of the life: not only to make decisions, but also to bear responsibility for them, relying first of all on own forces. But it ideally from which the reality is far.
quite widespread type of the relationship of the father and young daughter fraught with problems in the long-term future, - their excessive proximity, symbiosis Exists. The girl with whom mother supports some distance (when there is not enough mother “a little bit“) anyway strives for bigger proximity with the father. In relationship with the child this process can be unevident, and sometimes strong mutual attachment of the father and daughter - the father for the daughter in all an example is its only sign, she always consults on it, it is aware of all her affairs. Such girls are called by “father`s daughters“. As a rule, these relations please both the daughter, and the father; problems begin when the girl marries. At the rational level the father cannot but notice that the daughter already grew up, but at the level emotional time for it stiffens as a front sight in amber, and the daughter forever remains for it the little girl. Therefore for the father often it turns out unpleasant surprise that it is ready to get, and even got already, the family. Whatever was the son-in-law, for such father he will be always insufficiently good for his daughter.It is important for
that by fifty years views and the principles of the person begin to harden, it becomes more difficult for it to change the attitude towards people. Changes of structure of the personality develop by the principle of a point: lines, the brightest in youth, over the years only gain strength. In parallel sensitivity, vulnerability increase; the person begins to take everything too seriously. As a result leaving of the daughter who was always to the father loved one is given it much more painfully, than she which is carried away by the young, bursting forth life can imagine.
A when in her new family some disagreement (which anyway happens at 100% of families) happen, the father risks to be extremely biased - to it very not easy to develop an adequate, objective view on the developing situation and to keep a non-interference position. Often it lacks for information on new life of the daughter as relies only on her feelings and thoughts, exaggerating their value and underestimating or at all ignoring needs of the son-in-law. Besides, at advanced age of the man limit the communication to a family framework more and more, and it aggravates feeling of abandonment and uselessness in the house left by the grown-up children. The adult daughter, certainly, should not sacrifice the life for the sake of fatherly - in this case very selfish - tranquility, but to forget about the yesterday`s “closest friend“ who devoted to it it is a lot of years, she has no right too. It is very important to visit him, to call, attract (it is dosed!) to the intra family affairs. You possess a crucial role in bridging, and you now - not only the daughter, but also the wife, and the husband your, even very best loving, is not obliged to pull on itself freight your difficult detsko - the parental relations. Never complain to the father, do not look for council in how to change the spouse, - it you only do much harm to both yourself, and him, and the husband; tell the father better as much he for you made what foundation for sincere forces it in you laid as you value friendship with it and as you are helped by its support. It is unlikely there will be something else that will please it more, and hardly your revelation will not waterlog ice in its attitude towards your husband.
Separate and quite difficult question - “tovarno - monetary“ the relations of affiliated and parental families. This nuance demands special scrupulousness in a foreshortening of the relations of the son-in-law and father-in-law - it infringes on interests and vanity of people to whom society traditionally assigns a role of getters, and these getters, on the one hand, are connected by family bonds, and with another, can not have to each other any related feelings.
By that moment when the daughter establishes the family, the standard of living of her parents in most cases appears above a standard of living of young people, and desire of the father to help that his daughter did not refuse to herself in habitual, quite explainably. But material support as if grants to it the secret right (sometimes imperceptibly for itself) to interfere with internal affairs of newlyweds and even to reproach with the material support (“Yes I at his age...“ ). Even at the friendship it is unpleasant though a saying “who pays, that also orders“ here is true more than ever. There is nothing bad in from time to time to make to children expensive gifts, but gifts have to be gifts, i.e. the disinterested and not demanding requital acts, but not the unauthorized indulgence on invasion into life of a separate family. On the other hand, daily cash aid to young people should not force parents to refuse to itself necessary. They are not obliged to give financial support at all, but in the mature family relations such refusal is the constructive and considered choice (for example, “they are adults, there is nothing to support them“ or “at first it will be difficult for them, but will learn to live within means“), but not the tool of manipulation and not a lever on selfish and ungrateful children (“you act willfully much - receive nothing, you will not think again yet“). Anyway, parents solve, whether to support young people financially; business of young people - with gratitude to agree or with gratitude to refuse the offered grant.
Son-in-law of my father: young and early
Young husbands as well as wives, can be not free from wrong idea of the relations with the spouse as about natural continuation of the relations with the mother. The boy traditionally receives in a parental family more guardianship from mother, than the girl of the same age and therefore to young men on a threshold of “big“ life infantilism in the relation to people around is peculiar more often than to their contemporaries. Having married, such man can wait for the help and support for himself more, than is ready to render them. And the dependent man looks in the opinion of the wife and her parents, especially the father, very unattractively.Councils of seniors can turn out
very valuable, and sometimes - and irreplaceable, but it is impossible to forget that sharp jump of technical progress, new information technologies caused so high rate of updating of knowledge in all spheres of life that in the professional plan the youth even more often is (and there has to be that) more expert, than the previous generations. Besides, it is difficult to predict emergence of sympathy between people; and at all not necessarily the father-in-law will be pleasant to the son-in-law as the person.All this
is aggravated, certainly, by the conflict of fathers and children. Successfully to smooth acute angles and to bypass dangerous places, sometimes it is enough to avoid delicate topics of talk and not to be fond of discussion of disagreements. Each person has the right for the way of life; but it does not mean that it is necessary to advertize the interests which that takes painfully at the elderly test, or to show the achievements seeming to it more than doubtful. It is possible not to take into consideration his opinion at all, but it is necessary to listen or hint it that his words mean nothing (do not spit in a well - it is useful to get drunk waters). And of course it is impossible to banter or crack over it jokes concerning its “strangenesses“.the one who the first will cease to clash and will go to world will be Anyway right
. The father-in-law can be three times wrong and not understand it, but the best that his son-in-law can make in such situation, is out of respect for years and to the fact that before him - the father of his wife, silently to concede. When quarrel gains steam, it is very important to manage to stop: better for some time to stop any relations and to have a rest from each other, than every time violently to squabble, proving the case.
son-in-law Wife, father-in-law daughter: to cease fire!
the Different image and a standard of living, educations, interests of two people in itself are not the conflict yet and even are not considered as the inevitable reason of that. Natives of different social groups are quite capable to coexist and find peacefully a common language at least within necessary and to see the only or main reason for quarrel only in it is useless. The person enters the conflict in that case when he subconsciously does not grant to another the right for other opinion.
Many newly appeared relatives sincerely try to accept each other as family, but it is always hard. Though the son-in-law usually also suits the father-in-law for sons, the standard schemes “the father-the son“, “son-the father“ do not work here because that and another - already developed people, and each of them grew up in the family and received the education. And even if the son-in-law and the daughter studied in one class even if it is accepted already fifteen years in her house, parents all the same need time “anew“ to get acquainted with it and to get used to it. It is good if at once the smooth relations were established; but yet not the fact that they such will also remain - new relatives often as if issue each other advance payment on “grinding in“ and try to save face, and it will be possible to speak about original tone of the relations in one or two years of family life. Happens and so that the son-in-law was not fallen in love to the appeasable and undemanding in general father-in-law at first sight (or, on the contrary, the father-in-law to the son-in-law). Perhaps, the father from height of the years managed to make out something like that that took cover from his daughter in the young man, and subsequently it will turn out that he was right. But unlike a thicket in any of us it is capable to cause inexplicable irritation of people, possessing such lines which are not or in ourselves, but there is a strong wish that they were, or in us they are too, but it would not be better than them. Quite often this hostility happens mutual and enduring. If it is “your“ case, then it will be difficult for you. Here the main means of regulation - self-criticism and internal endurance of “opponents“ which, by the way, both need your assistance. Happens that over time they will be able to overcome the negative, but to hope that it happens surely and in itself - all the same what to stake on a prize in a lottery. A series of consultations of the psychologist will be useful to your family; if your men are not ready “to spend time for any nonsense“, descend one. The qualified specialist will help you to understand internal family processes and will give you that support which to find in a family sometimes is difficult.
If between your father and the husband for any of several reasons certain friction unambiguously take place, at once there is a question - as to you to behave? First of all: the conflicts between relatives it is impossible “to suppress“ at all. Each crushed family conflict is a failure in system, a chip on a surface. Certainly, you cannot and should not bear responsibility for feelings and acts of either the father, or the husband. But to pretend that you notice nothing, it is emotionally heavy and harmful for the relations even if you act this way from the most good motives. Perhaps, men so far also do not realize that something went not so: for the time being it can not concern them, unlike women at all - keepers of the family center. On the other hand, to interfere without invitation and to force events (“Well, I speak to you, you hate each other!“ ) - too it is not really reasonable. So, your situation is very ambiguous and ticklish. And it is bad to quarrel with the father, and to get divorced from husband too it seems time did not appear in time. To maintain the kind relations with both - yes, but at the same time constantly to feel on itself categories of the current running between them? So to do?In such cases tactics of the peacekeeper is very effective
. The way is difficult and long, but the most productive. A task of the person who ventured to undertake a hard role of the conciliator in prolonged skirmish - not to appeal to objectivity of participants of the conflict (“you are good too“), thereby adding fuel to the fire, and over and over again patiently to extinguish a quarrel flame (“Well, fathers, we home will go. I will call you tomorrow“).It is very difficult
- to keep calm in a situation when the family to you people does not get on among themselves, not everyone is capable. It is necessary to have patience, self-control, forgiveness, the philosophical relation to problems and sense of humour. But the most important is a sincere desire to understand both parties and to achieve the peace in a family that everything it was cozy.Some rules of peacekeeping tactics
- are exclusively dangerous by
To any relations frequent small quarrels therefore try to trace the situations capable to lead to the next skirmish. Standardly risky subjects of man-to-man talks are policy, changes of a social system, socially - economic reforms and comparison of generations. Perhaps, in your family there are the personal “hang-ups“ capable to cause family fights, - important their nobility. If you feel that passions inflame again, it is necessary to try to transfer delicately conversation to other course or even to disperse (for example, to go to take a walk or under a specious excuse to leave home).
- If quarrel nevertheless ran high, it is not necessary to interfere actively with it to begin to reconcile. Try to part at first the parties at least on different rooms (and it is better again - to take away one of the house, without having forgotten to tell something neutral to remained).
- If the father-in-law and the son-in-law wage “cold war“, it is better to carry out peacekeeping work gradually, with everyone separately. You should not try to reduce more often them together, in hope that everyone will improve opinion on another - so you will achieve only the return result. If to one it is opened to praise the second, then you will come approximately besides, but for certain also will provoke aggression in the address. Best of all tactfully, unostentatiously, as if between times to emphasize positive in the relations: “Fathers, Anton asked how you so well adjusted frames“, or:“ Anton, and here to my father, unlike me, very much is pleasant that you work hard“. by
- Choose time for conversation, in advance think over it. It is necessary to begin with that a pokhvato pour or thank for something the interlocutor; express the to it tender feelings. Try to speak about concrete situations and to describe them bezotsenochno (“you talked very loudly, it was heard even on a ladder“ is a bezotsenochny judgment;“ that you shout as eternally abnormal“ - judgment estimated).
- Describe the feelings in relation to the discussed circumstances, but do not abuse it. In - the first, talk “heart-to-heart“ discourages men; in - the second when women speak about unpleasant, men perceive it as something to make the requirement. It is necessary for transfer of the conflict to the constructive course that both parties were realized and spoke the true experiences. It is much more important to deal with own emotions and feelings, than to carry them to another. All hitch is that to the man “so simply“ analyzing and discussing personal feelings, the place in the museum - as a big rarity (if only he is not a psychotherapist or not the psychotherapist`s client during a session). Nevertheless to help with your forces to manifestation, understanding and the analysis of his emotions. For this purpose surely give it the chance to express. Listen without interrupting and it is very attentive. Key to successful communication is - as it it is paradoxical - indifference to answers: the person answers to express the opinion, but not in order that we began to overpersuade him. At first you as to the intermediary for certain should be content with superficial emotions of the father or husband even if you seek to reveal their deeper experiences. To achieve success, it is necessary to welcome all feelings - both positive, and negative (by the way, one are often inseparable from others). And even in case of full, apparently, lack of good feelings it is very important to apprehend and keep aggressive - so you will help the interlocutor to feel that it is accepted it what it is. Quite often vague understanding of it serves as the first step to reconciliation.
- Conversation should not be finished with “anything“. Even if the satisfying solution is not found, all the same it is necessary to bring though some result (“We agreed that you will try not to reproach my husband with “bezrukost“ “I am glad that you are ready to be with my father more reserved“).
- Irrespective of result thank the man for the fact that it went for conversation, and let know that you are always ready to promote building relations. is not present
- of Unsoluble problems. Development of the situation in huge degree depends on ours to it approach. If you feel that it is impossible to correct it so far, try to adapt to it. The intense relations between two family members are only the intense relations between two family members, but not a doomsday. Also you remember: that the love and an order reigned in a family, the patience and attention to the neighbor is necessary. Progress to you in overcoming of difficulties!