Rus Articles Journal

Unconditional acceptance of

What is it? Education not training.
Need for accessory.
Results of rejection. Difficulties and their reasons.
Questions of parents.

Beginning with

our systematic occupations, I want to acquaint you with one general principle without which observance all attempts to improve the relations with the child are unsuccessful. It will also be for us a starting point. This principle - unconditional acceptance. What does it mean?

it is unconditional to p to accept the child - means, to love it not for the fact that it beautiful, clever, capable, the excellent student, the assistant and so on, and just like that, just for the fact that it is!

can Quite often hear such address to the son or the daughter from parents: “If you are a good boy (girl), then I will love you“. Or:“ Do not wait from me good until you cease... (to be lazy, fight, rude), you will not begin... (to study, help about the house well, to obey)“.

we Will get accustomed: in these phrases the child is directly told that he is accepted conditionally that it is loved (or will love), “only if...“. The conditional, estimated attitude towards the person in general is characteristic of our culture. Such relation takes root also into consciousness of children.

the Fifth-grader from Moldova writes

to us: “And for what then to love the child? For laziness, for ignorance, for disrespect for seniors? Sorry, but I do not understand it! I will love the children, only if...“ .

the Reason of widely occurring estimated attitude towards children is covered with

in strong belief that awards and punishments - the main educational means. You will praise the child - and he will become stronger in good, will punish - and the evil will recede. But here trouble: they are not always ready to help, these means. Who does not know also such regularity: than more child is abused, the subjects are become worse by it. Why does that happen? But because education of the child is not training at all. Parents exist not to develop conditioned reflexes at children.


by Psychologists it is proved that need for love, for accessory, that is of necessity to another , one of fundamental human wants. Its satisfaction - a necessary condition of normal development of the child. This requirement is satisfied when you tell the child that he to you is expensive, necessary, important that it is just good. Such messages contain in friendly views, tender touches, direct words: “As it is good that you at us were born“, “I am glad you to see“, “You are pleasant to me“, “I love when you houses“, “To me it is good when we together...“ .

the Famous family therapist Virginia Satir recommended to embrace the child several times a day, saying that four embraces are absolutely necessary for everyone just for a survival, and the good health requires not less than eight embraces a day! And, by the way, not only to the child, but also adult.

Of course, similar signs of unconditional acceptance are especially necessary to the child as food to the growing organism. They feed its emotionally , helping to develop psychologically. If he does not receive such signs, then emotional problems, deviations in behavior, and even nervously - mental diseases appear.

Mother of one five-year-old girl, having found neurosis symptoms in the daughter, saw a doctor. In conversation it became clear that once the daughter asked: “Mother, and what biggest trouble you had with the father to my birth?“. “Why you so ask?“ - mother was surprised.“ Yes because then the biggest trouble you had me“, - the girl answered.

we Will try to present to

how many tens if not hundreds of times this girl heard before coming to this conclusion that it “not such“, “bad“, “bothers all“, “real handful“... And everything endured was embodied in her neurosis.

We not always monitor the addresses to children. Somehow in “The teacher`s newspaper“ the penitential letter of mother was published: she with delay understood that she put a sincere wound to the son. The boy left the house, having written in a note that it was not looked for: “You told that without me it is better for you“. Here as children literally take us! They it is sincere in the feelings, and allocate with absolute sincerity any phrase told adults. The more often parents are irritated on the child, straighten out, criticize him, the quicker he comes to generalization:“ I am not loved“. Arguments of parents of type: “I care for you“ or “For the sake of your advantage“ children do not hear. More precisely, they can hear words, but not their sense. At them, emotional, accounts department. Tone is more important than words and if it sharp, angry or just strict, then a conclusion always unambiguous:“ I am not loved, not accepted“. Sometimes it is made out for the child not so much in words how many in feeling of bad, “not it“, unhappy.

Let`s look at

what “the rejection complex“ in process of a growing of children develops in. Here a fragment from the letter of the fourteen-year-old girl.

“I do not believe that with mother there can be friendly relations. At me the most unloved days are Saturday and Sunday. Mother these days abuses me. If she with me instead of shouting, spoke properly, I would understand her better... It can be understood too, she wants to make of me the good person, and receives unfortunate. To me bothered to live so. I ask for help of you! Help me!!!“ .

the Offense, loneliness, and at times and despair sound in letters of other children. They tell that parents “are not on friendly terms“ with them, never speak “properly“, “tynut“, “shout“, use only imperative verbs: “make!“, “clean!“, “bring!“, “wash!“ Many children do not hope for improvement of a situation of the house any more and seek the help elsewhere. Addressing in editorial office of newspapers and magazines (“Help!“, “What to do to me?“, “I cannot live further so!“), all children to one change names, do not give the return address. “If parents learn - will beat“: And notes of warm children`s care of parents sometimes break through all this: “How to calm her?“, “It is difficult for them too“, “It can be understood too...“ . However, so write, generally children to thirteen - fourteen years. And those who are more senior already became hardened. They just do not want to see parents, do not want to be with them under the same roof.

is Written by the tenth-grader: “I often read
in magazines and newspapers that supposedly more attention should be paid to children. Nonsenses. I and my many peers, are glad at the slightest opportunity to remain one. You go and think: “Though they were not at home...“. On Sunday in the head: “My God, excess day is better to study!“

Often parents ask

“If I accept the child whether it means that I have to never become angry about it?“

I Answer

. No, does not mean. To hide and the more so it is impossible to save the negative feelings at all. They should be expressed, but to express in a special way. And we will speak about it much later. For now I pay your attention to the following rules:

Can show to

discontent with separate actions of the child, but not the child in general. It is possible to condemn actions of the child, but not his feeling what undesirable or “inadmissible“ they were not.

of Times they at it arose, so for this purpose there are bases.

the Discontent with actions of the child should not be systematic, otherwise it will develop into his rejection.

A what is felt by parents? How is to them? They have less bitterness and offenses: “Not life, but one torture...“, “Ida home as in the field of fight“, “Ceased to sleep at night - I pay everything...“ .


even if business reached such extremes, extremes for both parties, not all is lost: parents can return the world to a family. But for this purpose it is necessary to begin with itself. Why from? Because adults have more knowledge, ability to control themselves, it is more than life experience.

Of course, and parents need the help. I hope that you will receive this help during all our occupations. And now let`s try to understand, what reasons prevent parents to accept certainly the child and to show him it.


, main of them - adjust it on “education“ about which the speech already went above.

Here typical remark of one mother:“ How I will embrace him if he did not learn lessons yet? At first discipline, and then already kind relations. Otherwise I will spoil it“.

I mother follows a way of critical remarks, reminders, requirements. Which of us does not know that most likely the son will react with various excuses, ottyagivaniye and if preparation of lessons - an old problem, then and open resistance. Mother from, apparently, reasonable “pedagogical reasons“ gets to a vicious circle, a circle of mutual discontent, the increasing tension, the frequent conflicts.

Where mistake? The mistake was right at the beginning: discipline not to, and after establishments of the kind relations, and only on the basis of them. As how for this purpose to do, we will discuss later. And now I will mention other possible reasons of emotional rejection or even pushing away of the child. Sometimes parents about them do not suspect, sometimes realize them, but try to muffle the internal voice.

such it is a lot of

of the Reasons. For example, the child was born, so to speak, unplanned. Parents did not wait for it, wanted to live happily ““ here and now it is not really necessary to them. Or they dreamed of the boy, and the girl was born. Often it happens that the child appears in the answer for the broken matrimonial relations. For example, it is similar to the father with whom mother divorced, and some of his gestures or looks cause in her deaf hostility.

the Hidden reason can stand also behind the strengthened “educational“ spirit of the parent. The aspiration to compensate the vital failures which are not achieved dream or desire to prove to the spouse and all house the emergency, indispensability, “weight of burden“ who should be carried can be it, for example.

Sometimes in such cases parents need the help of the consultant. But all the same, the first step it is possible and it is necessary to make independently: to think of the possible reason of the rejection of the child. And tasks which we also approached will be the following steps.

Homeworks the Task first

Look at


as far as you manage to accept your child. For this purpose during the day (and it is better than two - three days) try to count how many time you addressed it with emotionally positive statements (a joyful greeting, approval, support) and how many - with negative (reproach, the remark, criticism). If the number of negative addresses is equal or outweighs number positive, then with communication at you not everything is safe.

the Task second

Close eyes for a minute and imagine that you meet the best friend (or the girlfriend). How you show that are glad to it what it is expensive and close to you? And now present that it is your own child: here it comes home from school, and you show that are glad it to see. Presented? Now it will be easier for you to make it actually, to any other words and questions. It is good if you continue this meeting in the same spirit within several more minutes. Be not afraid “to spoil“ it within these minutes, it is absolutely impossible.

the Task third

Embrace your child not less than four times a day (the usual morning greeting and a kiss for the night are not considered). Note: It is quite good to do the same and in relation to adult family members.

the Task fourth

Performing two previous tasks, pay attention to reactions of the child and to own feelings too.