“Disobedient“ grandmother: about disagreement in views of education of
the Situation when grandmothers do not take any part in education of grandsons, in our society looks as a nonsense. On the contrary - sometimes their guardianship and adoration in relation to kids become boundless. Why instead of gratitude for the help young mothers and fathers have absolutely opposite feelings? And how to change this situation?
Unfortunately, to the grandmothers and grandfathers who got used to sponsor for many years own children it is difficult to realize that that already became mothers and fathers, turned into adult and independent people. And therefore in the attitude towards grandsons the senior generation often does not take seriously opinion of newly made parents. However the young family can quite try to solve a problem, being guided by concrete options of relationship with grandmothers.
the Grandmother - the guest
the Situation when the grandmother does not live with a young family constantly, and comes only from time to time on a visit, - the simplest. There can even be a question: and whether there is a problem here? On a visit it is possible to invite not so often and the person, being not at home, seldom feels confident. But also in this case many “reefs“ disappear.
Even if the mother-in-law or the mother-in-law comes to see young people infrequently, it does not mean that during all stay on a visit it will be an obedient performer of will of hosts or, at least, will begin to be guided by the principle of “non-interference“. Now it comes not so much to the son with the daughter-in-law or the daughter with the son-in-law how many to the long-awaited grandson (granddaughter).
So far the small child, is much easier to get rid of grandmother`s undesirable “intervention“. Here the main thing - patience during its visits, for the rest everything it is possible to do at discretion.However should mean
that when the child grows up, he, most likely, will spend certain time at the grandmother. And if parents cardinally do not agree with some of its principles concerning children, then it is better to begin its “re-education“ in advance.
the Grandmother - the nurse
Sooner or later all young mothers come to work. And, often it occurs rather “early“, than “late“ so it is not necessary to think of a garden. And in this case the choice is small - the kid remains either with the grandmother, or with the nurse.
If in the western culture the rare grandmother agrees to undertake a role of the nurse and to sit with the grandson, so far his mother does career and earns money, then in our society it is very widespread situation. To leave the child with the nurse - foreign person while the grandmother is ready to undertake the same duties, it seems a crime. And those women who were lucky to have confidential and cordial relations with mother or the mother-in-law immediately decide to use such help. However if between the senior and average generation often there were quarrels and the conflicts, then the decision take the grandmother as the nurse can aggravate a situation only.
Of course, mother does not sign the official contract with the grandmother, does not agree about payment, but it does not mean that the young family will get its help free of charge. Moreover, the price of this help can be too high. Often grandmothers who listened to wishes and recommendations of young mother during her child care leave in a root change as soon as become nurses. Now on them responsibility for the kid lies! In this situation many grandmothers begin to think that they have the right to teach mother, and her duty - implicitly to follow their manuals.
it is not important whether the woman asks the mother and the mother-in-law to sit with the child when she comes to work, or someone from them offers it the help. In order to avoid further problems it is very important to have a talk previously with the grandmother. Certainly, this conversation will differ from discussion of the contract with the nurse - the grandmother is not employed, and resort to her help. However it is important to discuss the basic moments in advance and to get support from its party. If in something essential positions of mother and the grandmother disperse, and it is impossible to overpersuade mother or the mother-in-law, then the best exit - to resort to services of the nurse.
the Grandmother - the hostess
the Family consisting not only of parents and children, but also of grandmothers and grandfathers is a historical tradition which exists already many hundreds of years. The question of where there will live the young family, in former times was not even put. After a wedding newlyweds came to the house of the husband, their children were born and grew in the same place. Whether it is worth saying that young parents played not a major role in a family, and the authority of seniors extended to all questions, including also education of younger generation! Today such situation too not a rarity, because of notorious “housing problem“.
And if initially the relations between “fathers“ and “children“ can be good or neutral, then after the child`s birth often everything changes exactly the opposite. Reasons here a little. In - the first, children (present young people mother and the father) parents already grew up, “gave a start in life“ and at some stage calmed down thought that their “mission“ is complete. And after the birth of the grandson or the granddaughter they enter process of education with new forces. Not for nothing say that “children to a wreath, and grandsons up to the end“. In - the second, newly made grandmothers sometimes trust young parents insufficiently, without perceiving them as adult and responsible people. How here not to try to impose the point of view, and everything “is even better“ - to do in own way! whether
Can avoid the conflicts if representatives of two different generations at the same time are engaged in education of the kid? Perhaps, no. Two identical people are not, so, and family members a little differently will behave in different situations. But that disagreements did not develop into the conflicts, and then into serious family problems, it is necessary to define “influence zones“ from the very beginning. It is necessary to explain to the grandmother that her experience is very important, but responsibility for the child entirely lies on his parents. And this responsibility gives freedom in the choice of ways of education of the kid to mother and the father, but not grandmothers, grandfathers and other relatives.How to influence the grandmother
behavior, or others, it is possible a set of different ways. But before struggling with behavior which does not arrange, it is necessary to think what method it is better to use. The wrong choice will not bring the expected result or maybe will give a boomerang effect. Karen Pryor`s
, the famous expert in the field of training, eight main ways of disposal of undesirable behavior allocate. All of them are applied in different situations and depending on it can be more or less effective. It is possible to influence the undesirable moments of behavior of grandmothers generally in three different ways: the most radical - parting , the most widespread - punishment and the most difficult - change of motivation . Let`s consider them consistently.
Parting . In the original this method carries the name “kill an animal“. And in literal sense it is used only in cases when the problem arises with an animal, but not with the person. For example, resort to the method “kill an animal“ when the sentry dog begins to attack and bite to death sheep. In a situation with the relations of people about any murder the speech of course does not go. However consequences its quite rigid, and at times and cruel: parents decide to stop any communication of the kid with the grandmother, whose behavior them does not arrange. the Grandmother - the guest at such option just cease to invite to themselves and do not release to her children. It is possible to realize it differently: or directly to declare the position (“I do not want that Masha walked with you or visited“), or to resort to cunning - to promise and to postpone at the same time constantly the promise. Too considerably? Perhaps. But in certain cases it can be the only way out: for example, when the behavior of the grandmother creates threat to health of the kid or its conflicts with parents are constantly shown in communication with the grandson - in the form of slander on mother or the father, attempts of a negative spirit of the child in relation to someone from them. However, before making the decision, it is worth weighing all pros and cons. Together with unpleasant manifestations of grandmother`s behavior also all its good parties will disappear. And parents, how many the child will lose from it, perhaps, not so much.
to Leave the grandmother - the hostess is, in fact, to plan moving. By the way, this option of a solution is used by a set of families. And the spoiled relations between the senior and average generation in most cases are almost instantly adjusted.
the Most difficult situation - with the grandmother - the nurse . However, it can turn out that she was already tired of continuous education of the grandson and responsibility conferred on her shoulders. And having turned from the nurse into the ordinary grandmother, with pleasure will communicate with the kid from time to time and to follow wishes of mother and father.
Punishment . Usually resort to punishment when deal with the child. However if adults behave in an “objectionable“ way, it is necessary to use this method too sometimes. Arrange to the grandmother reprimand that she overfed the child with sweets, take offense and do not talk to it within several days (weeks, months) - it occurs pretty often. Whether punishment is effective? Practically not. Mainly, because usually does not coincide on time with behavior which is not pleasant. Buying the next ice cream to the beloved grandson or inserting into the videorecorder the third cartridge with an animated cartoon, the grandmother hardly thinks that parents will shout then at it or will arrange boycott. However in certain cases punishment can be effective. In - the first, at low motivation. That is, when the behavior of the grandmother which does not suit a young family is not really important also for her. For example, if restriction on sweet for the child extends only to chocolate, but parents not against other sweets, then the grandmother, most likely, if she does not suffer from “shokoladomaniya“, will change the behavior and will treat the peanut to a zephyr and pies.
In - the second, it is possible to resort to punishment only at origin of unpleasant behavior. For example, if suddenly it becomes known that the grandmother learned to use, at last, the videorecorder and decided “to present“ to the grandson an hours-long session from animated cartoons, then it is better to explain her all abnormality of this invention at once. When “the blue screen“ becomes the constant and obligatory satellite of children`s leisure, it will be already much more difficult to change such habits.
Change of motivation . It is the most difficult, but also most effective way of change of behavior of other person. Having understood what requirement is the cornerstone of this or that irritant action from the grandmother, parents will be able directly to influence it. To make it it is very difficult. The motive of other person is often not clear also to him. However, having an idea of what motives happen, it will be much easier to deal with them.
of the Most known and effective at practical application is classification of needs of A. Maslou. Enter it:
- physiological requirements;
- of requirement of safety and protection;
- requirement of accessory and love;
- requirement of respect and self-esteem;
- requirement of self-realization or personal improvement.
This classification carries also the name of “a pyramid of requirements“ as has a hierarchical structure: pyramids are the cornerstone physiological requirements, at top - requirement of self-realization, and the main principle consists that each subsequent requirement is satisfied only when previous is satisfied.
What moves the grandmother
Why the grandmother does everything in own way and does not listen to wishes of young parents? It is unlikely she thus sates the organism or copes with fears. Most often her “willful“ behavior is connected with need for love or for respect. If it lacks attention of the matured children, the care of the grandson becomes “light in a window“ for the elderly woman. At last there was a little man to whom it is necessary which loves it! Realization of this requirement only through the child usually leads to the fact that the grandmother excessively indulges the kid, carries out all his whims. Whether it is reasonable? It is obvious that is not present. That the grandmother`s behavior became more adequate, it is necessary to try to change the attitude towards her. The young family has to try to pay more attention to the grandmother, to communicate with it. The confidence that it is loved will help it to communicate more reasonably with the grandson and to listen to wishes of his parents.
Other requirement coming to the forefront after satisfaction of motive to love others and to be darling, is need for self-esteem and respect from others. Problems in this sphere are the most frequent reasons of “obstinacy“ of grandmothers. What does it mean? Just each person has to feel necessary in this world, confident in the usefulness and competence. Often grandmothers behave not as we would like, from - for unsatisfied needs for respect. And the sphere of education of grandsons for most of grandmothers - pensioners remains only where they can feel necessary and competent. In this situation young parents should emphasize as often as possible that they appreciate experience of the mother or mother-in-law, respect her living position and attentively listen to her opinion. Eventually, the grandmother grew up at least one child (someone from young spouses).If parents categorically do not agree
with the grandmother in questions of education of the kid, you should not insist on the correctness stubborn. Better in a civilized way and validly to explain the point of view, to bring it cuttings from articles, to show the corresponding books. Eventually moves the grandmother first of all love to the kid. And if it does not prove at the same time the right for respect and recognition, then all family will only benefit from it.