The sweet bitterness, or Typology of family deception of
Us learned to be honest. To look in the face directly, to be afraid and to protect nothing truth in any ways. Not to deceive anybody, never and in anything, and to prefer to any sweet lie the bitter truth. Arkady Gaidar and Lev Tolstoy, Nikolay Ostrovsky and Sergey Mikhalkov proved us an irrefutability of these beliefs all power of the talent.
the Ideological car interested in “transparency“ of life of each person daily and hourly convinced to be absolutely honest... The purest, trustful and sensitive of us grew up in belief that it is a shame to deceive, even in trifles (you remember this history with little Volodya Ulyanov?) .
A then we became adults. Began to fall in love, marry, give birth to children, to get divorced, again to fall in love... And suddenly it turned out that the firm principles “the truth and nothing except the truth“ sometimes remind the heavy case standing in the middle of the room. It, of course, is necessary, the set of necessary things is stored in it. But how many from it happens cones and bruises!
Family life with all its peripetias set thinking that there is a deception. Why marriage becomes such fertile field for blooming of lie in all the magnificence? Perhaps, in it there is some sense? Or there are mechanisms which we do not notice though they “start“ an avalanche of deception, angry and saving, deliberate and casual? From where in general between the people loving each other there is a wall in the form of half-words, secrets, cunnings, and sometimes at all parallel life, the entrance to which is not present...
Scientific definition sounds approximately so: deception is a creation of false model of reality. Further classification differs depending on the author.
the Psychophysiologist Yury Shcherbatov considers that it is possible to create this false model at different stages of passing of information from one person to another and different ways. At the same time information and consciousness of the interlocutor can be distorted. In turn manipulation of information stream happens six types:
- selection (only that part of information which is favorable to the deceiver gets out of a stream);
- a distortion (conscious protrusion and underlining only of those parties of the phenomenon which confirm told);
- distortion (exaggeration, underestimation and violation of proportions);
- a turning (replacement black on white);
- designing (an inventing of what does not exist in reality).
also other classifications of deception Are. For example, proceeding from intentions, it is possible to divide deception into involuntary, compelled and malicious . And from the point of view of result: bringing benefit (for example, fraud) and absolutely useless (dreams and imaginations).
Some researchers divide only two types of deception - virtuous and malicious. At the same time virtuous deception comes from the altruistic purposes (related feelings, love, a debt, ethical standards). The main thing, supporters of such theory claim, in that interests deceiving and deceived coincided.
(Though, honestly to admit, sometimes happens so difficult to estimate “virtue“ and “coincidence of interests“. If the close girlfriend reports to you about adventures of your husband - she, it seems, acts in your interests. On the other hand, it inflicts on you sincere suffering, puts a trauma and, maybe, amuses the vanity.)
I, at last, cases when deception in every possible way is encouraged and is quite natural are. For example, in sport (the football player is more successful or the tennis player will deceive the rival, the his chances of a victory are higher). Or in art of the film and theater. Or in fashion where the clothes sometimes have to change proportions and create illusion of symmetry and high growth...
But us not sport, not art and even not business interests (where too there are problems with honesty, we will directly tell). Because most bitterly we are given the lie said by the closest people. It becomes a detonator of the family conflicts, causes heavy depressions and sometimes absolutely kills feelings.
“Caught itself on thought recently that I do not trust the husband at all. Once there were situations in which his lie emerged (it all the same gets out then), and all the time it seemed to me that he deceives me, keeps back, etc.
Ya very much was angry with itself, with it, tried to find confirmations that I am not right, and he does not deceive - well, all tried somehow not that to get on with it, and to cope and cease to irritate itself and it.today suddenly understood
A that me in general all the same, it tells the truth to me or not. And here the speech and about change too. And something it became so unpleasant to me from it...“Actually deception begins
even before marriage. That process which we usually call courting has a little general with reality. Remember: how it usually occurs? Men attribute themselves nonexistent advantages, and women exaggerate weaknesses. In romantic conversations there is not enough truth, but it is a lot of imaginations on own life and an image of the interlocutor, and still - affected indifference, creation of imaginary reasons for jealousy, both other, and other. If from first minute of acquaintance we would be extremely frank with each other who knows, would remain still institute of marriage?
Of course, lovely trifles which during courting do not seem lie at all actually it are. And those who pathetically exclaim later: “Still we were honest with each other!“ surely have to remember this time. Yes, then the lie did not bring pain because it was directed not against you, and absolutely on the contrary. Here and all difference.
Scientists found out that each person lies about 200 times a day. It is only possible to assume what percent from this quantity drops out the beloved, to girlfriends and husbands. Probably, it is more than a half. Parents, heads go the following in the list, clients are buyers and heart-felt girlfriends.
Why we deceive? Why we are deceived? The psychology of the person is arranged so that the lie is given him by tension of forces. Much more comfortably and fiziologichny to be honest, sincere and not to violate the truth. Means, there are reasons forcing us to cause themselves inconveniences? Of course, is. And they even give in to classification.Psychologists distinguish to
from the deception reasons several main and the most often meeting.
Preservation of a personal liberty
“Recently I understood that I quite allow thought of withdrawal from a family. Not because ceased to love the wife - no, she to me the dearest person. But I was tired of the compelled lie. After I came to new work, the circle of contacts strongly extended, and I began to communicate more both with men, and with women. And it exactly companionship - without changes. There are people who are interesting to me and with whom I want to be on friendly terms. And the wife began to twitch very much from each call and each SMS - ki, to cry and take offense, sometimes even to row. All the time to hide the life - it is opposite and silly, to refuse any relations with people only because they a female?
Here I also think that I could leave just therefore to cease to deceive...“
Each person needs preservation of that space which call personal. It consists of thoughts, feelings, experiences, imaginations, unexpected opening and disappointments. Existence of this space - an indicator of mental health, it is necessary for feeling of self-confidence, for the solution of some complex internal problems. Therefore people are inclined to protect personal “field“ from invasion somebody. However if the husband and the wife are sincerely close, are able to understand each other, have deep mutual feelings, they can imperceptibly (or very much it is even noticeable) try to break “borders“ and to bring “order“ to personal space of the second half.In the beginning such penetrations on others territory can quietly be perceived by
- especially if it is about young spouses or beloved. But over time the discomfort from lack of personal space develops into feeling of unfreedom. (Are more often subject to such emotions of the man which wives try “to build“ family life according to the representations.) When the man speaks “to me freedom is necessary“, the woman often takes offense because she understands it as lack of affection for her and to children. Therefore offenses, quarrels, suspiciousness and attempts of total control happen the answer to similar statements often.
A actually it is a protest against lack of personal space and the internal inviolable territory.Sometimes the person needing bigger freedom himself cannot understand
that he torments him. And especially - is not able to explain to the half why “pulls“ it somewhere why there is no wish to tell about some thoughts or acts. And then there is a temptation of deception as rescue from difficult and painful explanations. It is necessary to be alone - allegedly urgent matters are thought out. There is a wish to meet friends, acquaintances - but there is no rescue from jealousy and suspicions of incorrectness. Gradually the person gets used to lie because it relieves him of need to express the requirements and to defend them.
can Get rid of the deadlock in this case though it and demands sincere expenses. It is necessary only:
- to understand need of personal space; by
- to recognize the right for own world in which it lets nobody for the loved one;
- to discuss requirements and desires of each other, trying to avoid at the same time offenses and pressure upon the interlocutor.
“My friend suspected
that the husband changes it. Yes, actually, all knew about it around - his and her friends, colleagues and even their adult children. But she long was silent and pretended that nothing occurs. And then told “bothered to listen to this lies“ and asked directly the husband. And what? He very much even honestly answered it that he more it does not love, and loves other woman, and time the truth was opened, now it is necessary to divorce. Now her cries for days on end and speaks “well and let do not love, I do not want that it left...“ And I told it that it is sometimes better to close eyes to deception if is not able to accept the truth. Tell, unless I am not right?“ >
It is considered em that the contradiction of two desires - a variety and stability is the reason of adulteries. And the last obviously wins - and it absolutely corresponds to human nature. The conservative to be much easier, than to change something. And even if the family does not become smooth water where it is always quiet, warm and good for the person, then it does not mean at all that there will be changes.
It is frequent one of spouses prefers to keep a home - and at the same time to conduct absolutely parallel life in which there are both feelings, and passions, and mutual understanding. At the same time deception - the only chance to keep stability, to destroy nothing and not to hurt.
cunnings in the family financial relations belong To the same type of deception (for example, the woman says that she spent less, than actually; the man hides the salary or does not admit large losses in a casino). Without wishing or without being able to discuss and regulate monetary questions, people prefer “to do a good mine“, in any ways avoiding conflict situations.
the game “keep balance“ often joins children. If mother offered “once let`s not tell the father that you received the two, and he will become angry“, next time the child himself also will think why and when it is necessary to resort to deception. Children in general, as we know, great conservatives therefore for them to tell lies, for example, concerning the received marks is not a crime, and fight for peace and tranquility in a family at all.
At lie for the sake of stability, in principle, it is a lot of pluses. It does nobody the harm, does not destroy and does not pursue benefit. But it inevitably leads to dissociation of close people. Instead of trying to reach compromise between the desires, people just do not tell the truth. Instead of enduring crises (and it is necessary for development of any relations) - problems are exhausted inside, collect and lead to indifference.
Absence of understanding
Is, on the one hand, the most difficult case, and with another - the simplest. If the person faces that he is not understood in a family, he begins to lie only because the truth arouses mistrust or rage. It happens, for example, if one of spouses is keen on something. The harmless hobby can become a stumbling block because the husband or the wife does not understand the value of this hobby. Also it is necessary to think out other explanations for the absences and delays.
Sometimes misunderstanding concerns emotions which are difficult for explaining. Having faced cold reaction to bright experiences, to splashes in pleasure, anger, the person gets used to hold the true feelings “on the lock“.
the Most widespread example of misunderstanding is the attitude towards friends of the half. Friends of the husband can cause irritation - and the husband to whom these people are dear is forced to hide the relations with them. And if business concerns friends of other floor, then here misunderstanding is almost universal. A lot of courage is required to recognize: the person with whom I am connected by marriage is free to be on friendly terms with those who to it are nice.
“My husband at work has a girlfriend with whom at it very cordial relations. There are no meetings out of work, but at work and to have dinner they go together, and if it has to approach somewhere, and it is free, it brings it, etc. However, ever nothing disappeared from me. That is if asked where was late, the husband answered, for example: “Gave a ride to Lenka“.they in the talk sometimes such lift
of the Subject that in the beginning just went nuts. It seemed to me that it is possible to discuss it only with very loved one. When all this began, I very much was jealous, but then understood that in human life there cannot be only one soulmate...“
Misunderstanding can be given rise by distinction of temperaments, education or emotional tolerance. And, unfortunately, it is very difficult to overcome it. Sometimes - it is almost impossible. But in most cases it is necessary to think only attentively of the reason of deception and to try to change the relation to a situation.
About advantage of deception
“... all this simple lies, shito it white threads is visible. Is not able to lie artly (as I, for example, it am able). Suffers. It is forced to control itself constantly: time having told lies, it is necessary to maintain this line.to me it is simpler than
- I do not lie. Essentially. It is enough one liar in a family. However, therefore I try to expel him regularly. But the consciousness that I do not lie helps me to keep up head lifted“.
We will not be able to live without deception. It is the fact which is confirmed with history. You see, it is frequent to tell a lie is just to remain the polite and tolerant person. Why to concern elderly mother, telling her about the troubles at work? Why to upset the girlfriend, it is honest zhivopisuya adventures of her husband? Why not to tell everything that leftand to the country - to spend quiet day at home, without phone calls and guests? Whether it is necessary to say to the man who was fallen in love with you the truth that he is absolutely indifferent for you and, besides, it is unpleasant?
A still people for whom deception is the way “colorizations“ of world around are. These are the visionaries who are not able and not persons interested to be content with reality. Harmless and vulnerable, they have the right for the way and the way of life too.
In a word, cases in which the lie helps to endure heavy moments of life not so it is not enough. Also those who very much are proud of the crystal honesty and adherence to principles are not right. (The principles in general are good only when give in to changes.) Not in honesty business - and in how to understand an origin and transformations of lie in our life.
I turns out - it is necessary only to be able to make out that line behind which politeness turns into indifference, sensitivity - into flattery, and deception - into indifferent and cold neglect.
of Ten the most popular deception
- U me with it nothing was. you I will call
- Ya. to
- Ya for you I am very glad.
- You perfectly look. It is very tasty
- Ya did not take offense.
- you at us the irreplaceable worker. We love
- when to us guests unexpectedly come. I will tell
- Ya to nobody.
- Behind trousers sit just ideally.
In article used materials from the book Yu. Shcherbatykh “Deception art“, excerpts from the Family Relations conference of the www portal. and personal archive of the author.