Rus Articles Journal

Parents and the governess - problems and decisions

On how to find the nurse or governess for the child, the set of articles is written recently. There are recommendations of how to conduct the first interview what to ask questions to candidates, and for what to pay attention.

If parents look for the worker in a family according to the announcement, they should do a lot of work until they find the suitable person. If they address to the relevant agency, process of selection of the candidate is reduced and becomes simpler.

But, anyway, the treasured moment comes. The decision on hiring is made. The family meets the new person, trusting him the most valuable - the child. All breathe sigh of relief. Now mother will be able to come to work, the father should not listen to complaints about its difficult life any more, and the child will fully develop under a wing at the professional.

But... in most cases, soon in the relations between the governess and parents problems begin. What to do if

In this article to us it will be a question not so much of nurses how many about tutors (below we will use the word “governess“ - all - women in this profession much more, than men). On the one hand, services of the governess are more expensive, and wait from the representative of this profession bigger, than from the nurse. On the other hand, it is more difficult to estimate professional suitability and overall performance of the governess to parents. With the nurse everything is simple: when the child is full, tidy and cheerful - it rushes eyes at once. And how to estimate work of the governess?

- try

As far as for the last half a year at the kid spelling vigilance developed, say, guess. If the child already goes to school, about his progress and about professional achievements of the governess it is possible to judge considerably by estimates in the diary. And if it is about the preschool child?“ The governess reads to my son books“ - with pride mother says. And what books? For what purpose? Questions quite often are left without answer.

the Contract with the governess

First of all, building up the relationship between parents and the governess, it is necessary to pay attention to legal side of business. The person who will work with the child has to register surely the individually - pedagogical activity. To report about it in the tax inspection. This registration is as if the license for work with children. Parents sign the direct contract with the governess for a certain type of work with the child. Both parents, and at the family tutor have to have a copy of such contract, with transfer of duties and the measures of responsibility of the parties made and signed in due form.

Unfortunately, not many families imagine the governess`s duties, generally from - for inexperience and lack of information of parents. What it leads to? To vulnerability of parents and the child. Yes, under the Criminal code of the Russian Federation the nurse or the governess bears responsibility for the accident which happened to the child during its work, for example, on walk. But in practice to wine of the nurse happens rather difficult to prove in court.

If the worker signed with parents the employment contract on legal grounds, then both parties of this contract - both the parent and his child, and the governess would be protected. Especially as also violations of terms of the contract happen on both sides. Because the general level of culture of both customers, and performers, unfortunately, often leaves much to be desired.

However, protecting both parties, we have to remember here what. In practice parents are exposed to bigger risk as they trust the child to the unfamiliar person.


Of course, not at all parents, not at any mother accurately formulated requirements to education of the child. And these requirements can disperse from the ideas of education existing in society, and, in particular, from opinion of the governess. But, as parents pay money, their wishes are priority.

When governesses often change...

Many parents do not understand that frequent change of the governess leads to training of the child in a manipulation by people. The child feels the power over the adult when shouts: “Move away her! I with it will not be engaged!“ and the parent follows his whim.


Let`s say we (agency) replaced to parents the governess at their request. Then replaced once again. Though it happens not so often - governesses are trained, we carry out maintenance of their activity, they come to us and tell to what, as well as how many they teach children as they behave in families. Their work is controlled.

all the same, for example, parents are dissatisfied with

I. Then we will see off the psychologist - pedagogical testing of the child, parents and the governess (it is important!) with the person independent of this situation, skilled psychologist. The expert acts as the neutral judge of this situation.

After such analysis often it appears p, as it is not necessary to change the governess - enough which - what to correct and agree in the “peace“ way. Though it is necessary to remember that if parents have no unity of requirements to the child, then no governess will suit them. You remember the fable “When in companions there is no consent...“ .

to Whom it is favorable to


in general, in the market of services in staff recruitment for work in a family the situation developed rather ambiguous. It is favorable to majority of firms which are not engaged in escort of workers to change governesses. Parents do not understand that if provide them unlimited number of replacements, the firm is ready to do it nearly each two days, then it means that the firm just earns money. Parents have to understand this.

At first sight, this statement can seem paradoxical. However each governess pays firm 50% of the salary for the first month of work. The more often the governess changes - the it is more favorable to firm. The firm does not care for training of the governess, her maintenance. And, eventually, from these “adult games“ the child suffers.

When the parent wants to choose by

the family tutor for the child, he needs to pay attention to degree of responsibility of agency for the worker. If the firm answers only with the fact that it is ready to replace the worker is not responsibility, but a source of the additional income.

Best is oftentimes the enemy of the good

the Optimal variant for parents - when the agency tries to accompany with

the worker, suggests to observe it. Strangely enough, it too not always finds understanding at customers.

Now for parents many ways to be convinced that in their absence nothing bad happens to the child are. In the market it is possible even to find service of video surveillance behind the nurse (of course, the worker is warned in advance). But jars on many parents: “How - to peep it at the person in a keyhole?“ . For some reason at the same time does not confuse us that in each supermarket the surveillance camera freezes up. Any can with tinned peas feels safe. Than the child is worse? How differently to it to protect itself? And if he does not speak yet, and in general cannot report in any way what happens to it during the day?

Is not present

, parents “feel sorry“ for the nurse or the governess, are afraid to offend her mistrust. Also there is a paradoxical situation which often mothers and fathers cannot understand: the better they concern the governess, the worse, as a rule, her relation to the duties.

Unfortunately, family tutors who appreciate a good attitude of parents very seldom meet. Do not appreciate more often. Still any governess from families known to me did not ask: “How many I have to pay for food during the day in your family?“. But everyone asked (at rather high salary): “You cannot pay to me the ticket?“ . Familiarly, isn`t that so?

U do not have us yet culture of communication with people which work at service of our family. And customers of services go into extremes. Sometimes the hostess plays a role of “mistress“: “Go out“, “Give, bring“, turning the worker into “toady“.

ingratiation before the worker is not better than

At all: “Sit down, sit down! How your daughter? How at you in a family?“ . Alas, these innocent attempts to establish “human“, friendly relations, conduct to unpleasant consequences. Unless it is possible to demand something from friends? Somehow inconveniently. You hope for their reciprocal kind relation. Requirements decrease. But what in reply? Yes, your new friend, probably, willingly will discuss with you your and family problems. But unless he will suggest you to reduce the salary “from friendship“? Means, something in this friendship not so, the “asymmetrical“ relations begin to weigh parents.

Alas, quite often governesses with whom parents are on friendly terms overstep the reasonable bound in the claims. They begin to demand pay rise, increase in holiday, payment of sick-lists. I even know a case when the governess working in a provided family demanded to buy it the apartment!

Unfortunately, the satisfaction of the increasing requirements of the worker does not increase quality of its work. On the contrary, when the employer does a concession behind a concession, the governess applies less efforts to performance of the direct duties.

Escort of the governess

How to keep work of the governess at the good level? For this purpose there has to be a certain third party which can professionally estimate its work. Why we accompany the governesses within a year, surely we give month of a trial period, within the first three months of work we call for ourselves for interviews? For what we constantly invite them to lecture, to conversation, to share experience? In order that governesses felt that behind their activity constant professional control is exercised.


It is interesting that the governess, having settled in a family, in most cases refuses to come to lectures, speaking at the same time:“ I have no time “, “ I was tired“. Indeed, why to it to spend the time? She already solved the main objective - got a job.

When you talk to parents: “You could not send the governess to us to lecture?“ nobody refuses. It turns out that parents very much are interested in it. Because they perfectly understand who is a hostage of this situation. And presence of the controlling party positively influences work of governesses.

It is fine if you were lucky, and you found according to the announcement of the good person and managed to construct the relations with it correctly. But so not always it turns out. Even we, developing duty regulations, “precepts of governesses“, could not formulate the correct position up to the end. What has to be a role of the tutor in a family what to pay attention to how to communicate is rather difficult questions. Therefore it is so difficult to pick up the suitable worker.

Of course, the parent has to pay first of all attention to professional qualities of the governess. But only the professional can estimate professionalism. Therefore we always try to show and explain to parents the professional party of work of the governess. Let`s say I speak: “Write the plan of work with the child for week: development of the speech, development of spelling vigilance of the child, etc.“. For whom we do it? For parents. Because they can not always correctly assess a situation: “Yes she with it reads books!“. And what books, for what purpose? This question needs to be asked.

Strangely enough, many parents a little bit jars on from professional competence of governesses. Because there is such stereotype:“ Here, one more “teacher“ came, same as all “teachers““. Really, at some governesses, there are a lot of years which worked at school there is a certain level of “professional obsession“. But it does not mean that the person having pedagogical education will worse work the layman. Of course, everything depends on the person. Quite often and the nonprofessional can be just wise person and be engaged with the child very well.

also one more sides of the problem Are. The governess has to not just be engaged with the child in “development for the sake of development“, she has to help it to open and increase its positive features and to level negative. The governess not the logopedist and not the psychologist, but she has to prompt to parents in time:“ You know, this situation guards me, give, ask for the help the expert“. Because many things, for example, not pronunciation of sounds or difficulties with mentality, it is possible to correct to school, before hit of the child on educational Wednesday.

the Governess - the expert, she has to know what conditions expect a baby at school and in kindergarten. That is why the professional is better. It is possible to neglect, of course, qualification of the teacher to school. But the child all the same will get then on educational Wednesday. It is possible to tell the child, of course:“ Do not read, do not write or write letters to other party“, to believe that the child has such feature. But once Wednesday around it will change. Unfortunately, we have not enough choice in in what form to continue training of the child.

the School lawyer

Interaction of the new environment is very important

for the child too - school or kindergarten - and governesses. Thirty people in a class, well fifteen, ten - all the same are children. The governess - the professional, knowing features of the child, can competently prompt to the teacher or the tutor how better to construct work with this pupil. And at the right time it will be able to protect the child in conflict situations which arise in kindergarten or school.

By the way, parents are not always able to do it because they accept each situation too emotionally, trying to close the child as the bird closes the baby bird wings. Therefore in the market there has to be a service “school lawyer“ or “children`s lawyer“. But in principle, the governess has to carry out these functions. with

In general it is better for p to involve experts to the solution of conflict situations. It does not mean that parents have to be always right. But more competently the person who knows conditions and that, and other party will understand a situation. For governesses we see prospect in mediation between the child and school, the child and parents. Here it is possible to speak about escort of the child. It sometimes needs to be protected even from the conflicts in own family.

As for school problems, it is necessary to remember that except parents the child has no defenders. Mothers and fathers often have a sacred awe before the teacher, they are afraid to ask a question once again - “and suddenly it will be reflected in my child?“ . With all responsibility it is approved: any question of your child will not do to it harm.

If the child unexpectedly begins to bring to

the three on English, mother should be interested in it. It does not mean that it is necessary to go and swear at the teacher, but mother should show that she is not indifferent to training of the child. Then the teacher will pay attention to him.

to the pupil lacks

attention not only because in a class except it 25 more pupils. Which - that depends also on mother. All parents differently treat training of the children, and not each mother is aware of school cares of the child at all. One are not interested in school affairs because they have a successful child, he normally studies, and everything goes “by itself“. Others - because at their offsprings are problems with study, and they are ready to shift the blame for it on school. But for school there will be nothing undesirable (and for the child it is very useful) if mother just comes to school and will take an interest as there are affairs. Any address to the teacher is a positive result.

But, let us assume, the conflict situation developed (unfortunately, at school there is a lot of violence). The parent cannot cope with a situation, he exhausted all means. What to do in this case? The person who professionally understands school and educational processes, and also in children`s psychology has to come to the rescue of the child. This person has to listen anyway to two parties and think what in this situation can be undertaken.

Perhaps, for a solution. Contrary to a popular belief, the teacher or the principal will defend not necessarily official authority at any cost. The reasonable teacher will always agree with reasonable arguments.

But if the teacher is not ready to listen to opinions of experts? Or at all it is professionally unsuitable? Then it is necessary to get rid of it, and too it is not necessary to be afraid of it.

the School lawyer can correctly write to

the letter to the higher organization and list there the facts demonstrating inadmissible actions of the teacher. And on information stated in it the inspector of RONO surely will pay attention to such letter. The parent himself, as a rule, cannot make it, he emotionally states a situation, without having placed emphasis on really significant aspects of the conflict. He does not know school documents, does not know that he has to and what the teacher should not do, and madly is afraid of the ignorance. Therefore any consultation, any conversation with parents are very important for the solution of the school conflicts.

Maintenance of the relations between parents and children

in conclusion should notice

that the governess, even the most skilled, will not replace to the child of the loving and understanding parents. The relationship in a family also should be built up and if it is necessary, not to be afraid to address professionals.

In our difficult world, unfortunately, to parents happens literally there is nobody to talk about problems of the child. Conversation with friends or colleagues is often reduced to secular chatter. Besides, you make impression that children of acquaintances grow, without causing to parents of efforts and achieving unusual success. On their background own child quite often seems to you defective.

Though our experience allows to make by

one supervision. “Easy“ children are not! If familiar mother speaks to you: “I have no problems with my child“, - it means that she or is not engaged with the child and does not penetrate into his problems consciously, or hides these problems. This rule almost does not know exceptions.

Any growing person, any plant meets these or those obstacles on the way of the development. It is important to estimate in time what to make in order that to the child it was comfortable, and on the other hand not to miss development of negative qualities.

the parent has to find

For each child a special, individual approach. Universal recipes do not exist. Even analginum will help not all from a headache. We cannot tell:“ Make so, and the problem will be solved“. It is necessary to speak with parents, to speak with children and to teach parents to speak with children.

the parent`s Task - in time to support and take an interest in

in life of the child and his problems. To hear the child. Let`s remember the technique of active hearing described in the book Yu. B. Gippenreyter “To communicate with the child. How?“ it each parent really has to own. Unfortunately, not each teacher is able to apply it. And even not each psychologist.

If to solve a problem without discussion, in a temper, as a rule, it does not lead to anything good. It is possible to hurt also himself, and the child. Therefore to the parent happens so important to tell the person neutral, not entering its immediate environment, about the difficulties.

the Solution in the relations “the parent - the child“ seldom lies in the area of the concrete recommendation. Another is important. When the person sounds the problem and discusses it, he solves it. Also solves it correctly.