Pregnancy - the center of the universe?
This subject simple - and at the same time difficult, clear - and at the same time confused. It is easy to speak about it both, and it is difficult. Pregnancy remains in memory of many mothers as one of the brightest and joyful periods of life. The understanding that in you new independent life with which you at the same time are a single whole is concealed, creates subconscious feeling of participation in a miracle, to a charodeystvo. In perception of many pregnant women the world every week contracts more and more and by the time of childbirth finally finds room in such nice Tummy. It quite naturally. But sometimes occurs so that, looking around, future mother with bitterness notices: surrounding, even the closest and dear people, do not share its new views on the world as if they do not understand what exclusive mission on importance it carries out. And here - offenses, quarrels, a depression. How to be? How to avoid quarrels and quarrels? And as it is correct: the pregnant woman has to adapt to the “foreign“ life surrounding her or people around are obliged to adapt to the pregnant woman?if the compromise is optimum
A - that where it? Let`s try to find answers to these questions.
First of all: pregnancy, especially expectation of the firstborn, is not simply new, but critical stage of life cycle of a family. And the conflicts at this time, as well as at any radical turn and a cardinal change, are inevitable and are even normal. Not only future mother, but also future father, and future grandmothers and grandfathers, and also close aunts and uncles develop the scenario of the new family role, approve it, get used to it. And young mother should construct new relationship with each of them, including - yes! -.
I and I
For future mother am not present anything more important than pregnancy. But not only because this state gives new happiness, opens the new level of knowledge of the world. Pregnancy, as we know, consists not only of such lofty matters. Quite often she at the physiological level reminds of herself various gestoza, diseases, threats of an abortion etc.
need of change of internal idea of itself belongs To difficulties of a psychological order: the woman has to accept the new image, a new role (now not only the wife, the daughter, the qualified specialist, but first of all - mother), and not at all it occurs smoothly, by itself. Future mother can not realize that actually it is difficult for it to master a new role, it is difficult to reorganize system of values at once, to refuse much that is significant in her life and at the same time incompatible with new situation. This internal conflict especially is aggravated if pregnancy desired, long-awaited, gained. Besides, the perception of the body changes, and for most of young mothers physical beauty remains to one of the major circumstances. At the level social the difficulties: study, work, a way of life - everything in a root changes, and something becomes impossible at all. Strengthening of material dependence on the supporter of a family makes the contribution to a sincere distemper, especially at the independent, emancipated, psychologically mature women too. Together these factors strong - firmly fix pregnancy in the center of consciousness and subconsciousness of the woman expecting a baby. At the same time to make of these new features the new harmonious order of the existence for many appears very much and very not easy. >
For overcoming of similar problems it is very useful for p to attend special psychopreventive courses for future parents. It is not that minimum set of occupations which is offered by female consultations and children`s policlinics within a state program, and a field of activity of public organizations and business concerns; quite often similar courses exist at maternity hospitals. The main thing - they should not be limited to lectures and training in practical skills in care of the child, and to include psychological occupations: trainings, conversations, seminars - also have to be long-term and intensive. What you will spend in benevolent “pregnant“ society more time, that will quicker and easier reach internal agreement with yourself, and at the same time for certain will cope also with other accompanying difficulties. If in your city there is such opportunity - surely use it. There is no opportunity to attend courses - try to find the suitable psychologist - the consultant (sometimes they work in female consultations).does not have
such expert - start working independently, we master the new specialty “I to psychologist“. Eventually, the most important (and anyway necessary) is a desire to reach harmony; if it is - half-affairs is made.we Will take
a sheet of paper. Let`s divide it into two parts. In one column (A) we write all that it is possible to carry to pregnancy “side effects“ - feeling sick, bad mood, deterioration in a figure, impossibility to be engaged in favourite tennis, refusal of the planned trip to South Africa... In other column (B) we bring everything - all pluses: appearance of the closest and native little man; new love; new life experience; at last there was a good reason to begin to eat properly etc. - at everyone the. Day by day we expand lists; it is necessary to try that the list B became gradually longer than the list A. Take yourself for the rule every evening before going to bed to remember and pronounce at least one pleasant event which took place in a today. Read more, listen to good music, do gymnastics, meditate, draw. Besides, do not hesitate to be cried in a vest to the person to whom you trust; in “usual“ life it is possible to be day and night “the strong woman“, but when how not during pregnancy, to indulge and feel the weakness and vulnerability? Worthy trust of people will understand you and will support.
I and the husband
From all social communications the major, certainly, is relationship with the child`s father. If it is the loved, attentive, sympathizing one with whom you have common language, then an inattention of other close people - especially does not touch. Even very serious troubles are capable to pale into insignificance, hardly loving husband will embrace, will listen, will kiss. Unfortunately, similar ideal families are an exception, but not the rule. Much more often the husband seems “detached“, “uninterested“, “indifferent“. Very small group of real and former pregnant women is satisfied by the relation of the loved one, the overwhelming majority would like bigger participation in “process“ from darlings. But one future mothers speak:“ Well, can be“, for others it is the tragedy, and the third, having despaired, waved on everything a hand. Maria, 27:
- I became pregnant after long-term treatment of infertility. The first several months I could speak only about pregnancy. Neither receipt in postgraduate study, nor even wedding “apropos“ - a magnificent wedding in the palace - did not make special impression on me. I was so shipped in the new state that over me even on courses for pregnant women laughed. By fifth month it passed completely, and I even successfully handed over a candidate minimum. I - that did not doubt that my relation (more true, its dynamics) - absolutely normal process. And the husband considered that at first I was “looped“, and then just rejoiced that it passed as if I with a new toy played enough. I all pregnancy was offended by its such superficial relation.to
About changes of mentality of the pregnant woman wrote mountains of literature. The woman becomes whimsical, whining, vulnerable, nervous, her reaction often there do not correspond situations. It is known to all, but seldom who is capable to use this knowledge structurally, understanding that for people around emotional lability of the pregnant woman - too loading, and considerable.
“The husband does not attach to my pregnancy due significance“. What stands behind these words? He not only is not anxious concerning pains in the right podreberye and not be touched to microscopic kombinezonchik, but is not even interested, than the bed from a birch differs from a bed from a pine or what shortcomings of a design of a carriage - a transformer though the engineer? There is no definite answer. Men sometimes really remain indifferent and need active involvement in “process“. On the other hand, to women, especially in a waiting time of the child, it is peculiar to impose on the husband the overestimated requirements: that he and understood questions of pregnancy and childbirth, and provided a family, and helped with life. And that any minute it was possible to count not only on its help and protection, but also on the sensitive relation, the tender word and a connivance to whims. Unfortunately, all is not at once because husbands are the same people, as well as wives. That is not omnipotent. Usually from a similar set remain one - two - three lines. Of course, he can consider pregnancy of the Universe by the center, but then in our severe reality it will hardly be able to be a support - on it simply there will be no force left.
Besides, it is worth to remember that normal in a female brain on early terms of pregnancy the gestational dominant - the special complex of communications of nervous system mobilizing and directing work of all organism to pregnancy incubation is formed and in this sense future mother floats at will of waves of the nature. For the man pregnancy - socially - the psychological phenomenon, and its “sincere“ participation in it always is the difficult high-organized decision. And on it not only the desire, but also as` at least time - to realize, accept, develop strategy is required.to
But a thicket shortage of attention causes in the pregnant woman not just offense, and concern: if the husband is not so attentive at so responsible moment, then he, probably, and the child - that will not love. This disturbing expectation, but not a responsible approach. (Many people - and pregnant women not an exception - confuse responsibility and uneasiness. In the most general view responsibility can be characterized as aspiration to be prepared for the predicted situations, and uneasiness - as powerless or feverish expectation of troubles). For most of women the word “pregnancy“ is associated with the child, for men - with the woman. In other words, future mother during pregnancy cares for future kid, and future father in the same time - for future mother. It is much more important to pregnant woman to train himself for a role of mother, than husband to a role of the father. The biggest that you can make for system “the child so far - the father“, is to conceive the child with the person of whom you are sure. It is not necessary to demand that it like empathy to pregnancy at once or in day of childbirth suddenly became the beautiful father. Once the husband gives time for adaptation in that and in other case - to issue credibility twice.
A if the situation hopelessly left from - under control - the husband does not come to spend the night, drinks, became aggressive - you should not suffer, and it is necessary to address for support relatives, the psychologist. The reasons of similar problems can be any, but pregnancy - not the best time to try to cope with them alone.I and my family
being Subconsciously protected by
from inevitable “growing“ and understanding that former “easy“ life leaves forever, the pregnant woman herself quite often turns into the child. And quite often, alas, “sins“ with the attitude towards himself as to the center of the universe and unconsciously manipulates relatives. In it there is a certain danger.
In - the first, other person is capable to give only in a varying degree support, but nobody “from the outside“ will be able, as if that wanted, to give what initially each personality has to bear in herself - psychological stability, a support on the internal reserves, aspiration to harmony. Irina, 20:
- All pregnancy me was pursued by toxicosis - at first early, then late. Doctors said that nothing terrible occurs. Mother with the mother-in-law for some reason remembered the pregnancies as though it was more difficult for them, than me. The husband did not support me, answered everything: “If something disturbs you - lay down on preservation“. Doctors I changed all pregnancy, but any was not pleasant to me, and sincerely moved away from relatives. I gave birth to rather healthy girl, but such absence of attention during incubation me painfully touched. Perhaps I really attached everything too much significance and, maybe, it was possible to suffer, but it I was pregnant, but not they.
In - the second, the majority of attempts to force the world to spin around itself inevitably will come to grief, and then not to avoid disappointment, tears and bitter feeling of loneliness.
It is representable such situation: spouses, for example, agree together to go to the doctor, and instead the husband goes to the station to meet at the last minute the grandmother whom there is nobody to meet more, and the wife to it with tears in the eyes shouts: “To you, you see the grandmother is more important than the child!“ Reaction of future mother is not adequate. Of course, family members on both sides, and the husband, first of all, are obliged to reckon with “interesting position“ of the young woman. But the grandmother whom someone should meet from the train does not look younger, at the mother-in-law the climax becomes easier not, to future grandfathers the salary is not increased, etc. And too it is necessary to reckon with it. Sometimes problems of other people require the maximum attention and forces of people around, and the pregnant woman should not deny to relatives the assistance only because she is pregnant.
In other words, the relation to the pregnancy with a share of healthy scepticism and healthy sense of humour will save from many problems prenatal and postnatal (and patrimonial too) the period. It is extremely useful with a lovely smile periodically to remind himself:“ I am just temporarily abnormal, only and all“. Council is playful, but the old truth says: if you are not able to laugh at yourself, others will laugh at you.
In addition, family members can really not share your feelings and new views. Galina Nikolaevna, 50: >
- here it is awkward to p to admit to me, but I do not love pregnant women, I do not consider them beautiful. My daughter-in-law all pregnancy wore short topics and trousers on hips, and I hardly restrained not to tell:“ Well be covered you, really“.It can not be pleasant to
very much and offend very much, but attempt “to keep separate“ emotionally from these people, not to take an alien position very much to heart will be a constructive exit. Eventually, at everyone the life, and everyone has the right to think and feel that he thinks and feels.
I and the outside world
Unfortunately, future mother cannot expect that to her pregnancy one and all people around will treat with due respect. If with the family - that, which - as, what to wait from strangers for? Though people are different, all hope that good and attentive more. It is unconditional, very pleasant when in the bus you are given way, in the market give a peach, in shop pass without turn only because you expect a baby. But it is worth to remember that such acts - not a duty, but good will of strangers. Also it is not necessary to blame them if they are not attentive, precautionary, and even just polite. But it is impossible to forget about the circumstances too, of course. It is necessary to use only the efforts for the constructive solution of problems. If you in the subway are ready to faint from - for hypotonic crisis, and at this time the elderly person demands to give way to it, do not hurry to be indignant. Quietly and accurately tell: “Sorry, but I expect a baby and badly I feel“.If your girlfriends do not understand
why you are not ready to wander all day about shopping center, selecting new things by the beginning of a season why you are not interested in their novels etc. - do not hurry to quarrel. Girlfriends need to get used to changes too. Every time explain, remind (“Sami such you will be, then you will understand“), and they soon will understand everything, will get used, will begin to care. But will not understand - so, maybe, and not girlfriends?
If on to work you constantly face “vrednost“ or household problems (passive smoking, chemicals, eternally ice-covered steps, constant drafts) and at the same time your situation does not find understanding at the administration far besides from observance the LABOUR CODE - what to do? It is necessary to talk several times (frostily, specifically) to “wreckers“, having accurately designated the position. Sometimes happens to listen enough to explanations of an adverse party even if also unconvincing that this “party“ met requirements of you. It is possible to hang out the corresponding announcements in key places, it is better with a humour sparkle (“A request not to smoke. The pregnant woman“ “Close a window leaf, please, I can catch a cold. The child who was not born yet“). If, despite all your efforts, problems remain, it is better to get up courage and to leave work even if it is very necessary. Put the service record on the exchange, and then you will find other work. The child is more important, than... than all other combined.
P. S. It is sometimes better to concede and to forget generous about the caused offense, than to insist on the, tormenting itself and causing troubles to the kid. Never it is necessary to forget that sense of humour - the great doctor and a normalizer of the relations.by
A to recognize the mistakes - means, today to be cleverer, than yesterday. Always and everywhere heat of a home and family wellbeing depend first of all on the woman, and during pregnancy and after the delivery - especially. Too it is necessary to remember it.