Scars of education
Unresolved sincere problems of parents are transferred to children, and in the aggravated look. There is this transfer by suggestion from the parent to the child in the early childhood in the form of directives - the hidden orders which are implicitly formulated by words or actions.
the American psychologists Robert and Mary Gulding constructed the concept that many unresolved sincere problems of parents are transferred them to children, and in the aggravated look. There is this transfer by suggestion from the parent to the child in the early childhood. We can teach another only to what we own. And parents transfer to the children “parental directives“ on how it is necessary to live, treat people and to treat themselves. Gulding selected 12 such directives, but actually each directive has several options which inevitably increase this quantity. So, what is the directive and how to recognize it in a stream of ordinary life?
This hidden order which is implicitly formulated by words or actions of the parent for whose non-execution the child will be punished. Not obviously (flogging or a clip, silent blackmail or abuse), and indirectly - own sense of guilt before the parent who gave this directive. And the child (and it is frequent also the adult - we also operate with each other by means of directives) cannot realize the true reasons of the fault without assistance. Exactly executing directives, he feels “good“.
the First, and most tough directive - “Do not live“
One parents try to bring up the disobedient child, conducting with it sentimental conversations on “As Many Problems You Brought to Us, Having Been Born“. They like to speak:“ When you were born, it was necessary to us very difficult “, “ nobody helped us with your education, we worked, and you should be fed and driven in kindergarten “or“ if not your birth, mother could become the good actress“. Other parents, not in forces to stop the got naughty child, throw in a fit of temper: “That broke off you, poganets!“, “That you failed!“ The third, with whistle waving a belt, punish the little hooligan and speak through set teeth: “You will obey? I do not need such disobedient child!“ And those parents, and others, and the third are absolutely helpless in the education of the child. Trying “to hide“ unpleasant feelings of rage, pains and offenses on the world behind similar phrases, parents put the directive “do not live“ in the child. Not purposely, and just parents in a different way are not able. In due time their parents accustomed them to obedience in the same way. Putting sense of guilt, connected not with some acts, and with the fact of existence of the child in lives of mother or father. And now they, having matured and having given birth to the child, try to operate him in the same way. Unfortunately.
That the child from the beloved mammy speaking “hears“: “Leave my eyes, one problems with you!“? Children perceive everything literally, and he unconsciously solves: “Mother does not want to see me. Better I would die, it will relieve of all problems“. As it is possible to die, the child does not know yet, but the mother`s order needs to be carried out (mother big, and knows how it is correct?) . Therefore for it frequent injuries which happen to it “incidentally“ can become an exit from a difficult situation. Here from where constantly fragmentary trousers and the broken children`s knees, and also grazes and scratches undertake. What to tell about dislocations and fractures? As this order for the child during all life sounds, having matured, it will find also other ways of unconscious self-damage (well, about it you already know - alcoholic and drug addiction).the Chronic fault of “I Disturb Mother, I Something Have to Her“ leads
to the fact that the child cannot normally adapt to life. Feeling of “nekhoroshesta“, aspiration to prove to myself that “I am, I something mean“ push the child on hooligan behavior outdoors. Though houses such got confused children usually behave meek and mild. How many times we heard from the acquaintances about their children: “It is necessary, such quiet and peaceful child, perfectly studied, and suddenly...“ . Also mother does not know that it is simpler to her child to feel guilty for the broken glass or a nose, than to have constant sense of guilt in general it is unknown for what.also other option of following to the directive “do not live“ Is possible
. The child is so tormented with the unclear fault before parents that cannot take any step without their guidelines aside. Having become the adult, it cannot realize the abilities in different spheres of life. Because I got used to think in the childhood “Without mother - nothing“. He is absolutely helpless and is not capable to cope with difficulties as mother with her manuals breathes to it in a nape.Different ways of obedient following to this directive can explain
with the fact that parents, giving the directive, as if shift focus “do not live“. One child perceives this order “do not live“ as “Your life disturbs my life“. Another understands - “Do not live life, and lead my life“. Anyway the direct perception of this directive is heavy, and it can try to leave from - under its categorialities, having added to the order a particle “if“. That is “I can live if I do not pay attention to about what I am secretly asked by mother (or the father)“. And here the child gets to the area any of other directives having more private character.
So, after “if“ it is possible to add one of the following directives.
the Second directive - “Be not a child“
“I remember, in the childhood I very much was proud when mother spoke to me “You already big“. Also I was angry and was capricious when something was impossible to me. I knew, mother will be dissatisfied with me. Perhaps, will even become angry and will surely tell:“ Well, here. You, appear, are able to do nothing. It would be time to become to you more independently“. I did not like to play with other children, I stayed at home and read books. I very much wanted to become quicker adult, clever and independent that to help with everything to mother. I managed it - I became adult. But sometimes, remembering the childhood, I think that mother was not absolutely right. That child who still lives in me and now is afraid to ask ice cream. At, at the man, at life“. I heard these bitter words somehow time from the girlfriend who is very respected by me. The person resolute and serious, responsible and not afraid of problems, but not able to enjoy life at all.
This sad story the stranger of life very accurately describes manifestations of the directive “be not a child“. The person who received this order from parents in the childhood all the time tries “to grow up“. And having become the adult, cannot fully learn to have a rest and relax in any way as feels guilty for the “children`s“ desires and requirements. To all other, such person has a rigid barrier in communication with children. Or others, not very well. To divide their interests and to lead one with them life such person is not able. It is simpler to it to involve the child in the adulthood, transferring that the directive “be not a child“.“ That you behave as small “, “ you already big to act this way “, “ you are my one and only support“. Involuntarily this person describes to the child a condition of “maturity“ as something very good, and a condition of “childishness“ as what it is necessary to be afraid of and what to avoid.
What to do, having found in itself the similar directive? Allow yourself the most treasured children`s desires. For example, buy a soft toy, indulge yourself different delicacies, fruit and candies. Construct “hiding places“ and hide in them that, “treasured“, checking sometimes, on the place or not. Put out the tongue at the wife if she tells that you went crazy.the Third directive - “Not raise“
, “Do not remain small“ (it is opposite to previous)
We are children. Children of the parents who often do not want that we grew up. Why? And what they will do then if we grow up and we will leave them? How they will be able to live? Who will begin to be helped whom to bring up? The fact that they once got married because they wanted to live together, is already forgotten. And now some parents realize the value only performed by a role of “the good father“ or “good mother“. How bitterly to look forward, thinking: “Here the sonny (daughter) will mature, will establish the family, and I will be necessary to nobody any more“? Fearing such fate, parents also inspire in us, and then and we to the children, the directive “not grow“. “The childhood - the happiest is time for life, do not hurry to mature“, “Play until small, here you grow up...“, “Mother will never throw you“ and so on. Consequences of these “innocent“ phrases are quite sad. The child, receiving the directive “remain small“, decides that parents will not love him if it grows up.“ All right, I will remain small and helpless if it is so wanted by mother“. This decision is often shown then in a voice manners, behavior, the movements. Such person really seems absolutely small. He is not able to maintain the relations with those who are pleasant to it (“mother will not approve it“). Is afraid to do favorite thing, to make own family (“the daddy can be against“). In a word, the child who received the directive “not grow“ so never will also grow up, giving the adulthood to parents.
How to be if you want to leave this directive “with a nose“? Remember that you, and only you, have the right for own growing. Learn to accept responsibility for the actions. For certain not everything that is pleasant to you, is pleasant also to your parents? But you were somehow accustomed to cope with them and defended “passion“. Transfer this ability to defend also on all other situations.
the Fourth directive - “Do not think“the Order “do not think“ can be transferred to
by the parent who constantly belittles abilities of the child to think. “Do not philosophize!“, “Do not go to abstractions“, “Do not argue, and do“. Are possible as well other options: “Do not think of something certain“ (about a problem, money, any family secret and so forth) and “Do not think of the problems, think of my problems“ (for example, “Why to you to stuff to the head with any nonsense? Think better of what I tell you“).
Getting used to live by the principle “much to think harmfully“, people often make rash acts and then are surprised how they were able to do it. They are not capable to solve difficult problems and often feel from - for this ill at ease. If to them any strange thoughts also come to the head, they muffle them alcohol, desperate sport or “mad“ entertainments. If you got used “to act, but not to argue“, try to increase a pause between emergence of a situation and the acts in it. Stop and consider a situation as if from outside.the Fifth directive - “Do not feel“
It is the message it can be transferred by parents who got used to constrain the feelings. Forbidding the child to experience emotions of anger or fear, they do the kid a disservice. He is accustomed “not to hear“ signals of the body and soul of possible troubles, (the fear, for example, warns about danger, and the anger helps to remove excessive stress). Subsequently it can become the reason of very serious diseases. “Do not shiver from cold, you are a man“, “Not sugar - you will not thaw“, “Big boys do not cry“, “As you can be afraid a dog, she does not bite“, “Suffer, do not show the pain“ - mother or the father says.“ Oh, - the child thinks, - to show emotions - it is bad, it is impossible to feel“. Also ceases to feel. And we are surprised then to his “indifference“ or “callousness“ though actually it as “real man“, clamped feelings in a fist. Owing to the low sensitivity such people quite often can be the victims of accident, are inclined “to start“ diseases. A widespread disease among them - obesity. This results from the fact that physical feelings deceive them. And they began to give in to this deception in the childhood, having accepted the parental requirement “is everything that is given is necessary“. Result - loss of feeling of saturation for aspiration to be obedient and not to afflict mother. How to you to correct this directive? One - to feel council. To listen to the body and to carry out his desires. Not to be afraid of the emotions.
the Sixth directive - “Do not achieve success“
Seeing progress of the children, we feel parental pride. However it is frequent, rejoicing for the child, we unconsciously envy, he manages what we could not reach in due time. “Ourselves could not graduate, but we refuse to ourselves everything only you graduated from the institute“ - our parental envy is the cornerstone of this phrase. Sometimes we from the best motives warn the child:“ Do not do it, at you nothing will turn out, and to you it will be bad“. Unfortunately, so we inspire in children “do not achieve success“.
the Child under the influence of this directive usually well studies at school and diligently performs all tasks, however at the critical moment of examinations “for some reason“ gets sick or cannot solve a problem. Having become the adult, such person with despair notices that it is pursued as if by ill fate. Everything in what it puts the forces, unexpectedly “bursts“ on the circumstances which are not depending on it. It cannot finish begun in any way. He, of course, does not guess that plays similar jokes with it its unconscious, insistently reminding that to achieve success is to bring to parents of misfortune and envy. Such simple piece as the benevolent witness can become one of ways of the solution of this problem. Presence of such witness at the final stage of any important issue, strangely enough, allows to feel in safety with others envy.the Seventh directive - “Leader“ to
its Sense be not clear to
:“ do not climb “, “ do not lean out “, “ be as all“. The parents sending this order are afraid to play the leading role, are lost at public statements, houses for life go to subordinates at work also, refuse to ask that they want. They are shone by neither promotion, nor favorable offers. They carry out all the life quietly as mice if only they were not noticed by a fat and greedy cat. Parents, giving this directive, as a rule, work from the best motives. Why to give a reason for malignant gossip and envy to other people? It is not necessary, the kid, do not climb, and what they will tell? to
As the main problem of people with this directive - leaving from any responsibility, you that to get rid of the directive, it is necessary to do everything on the contrary. Not as parents advised you. Lean out. Climb. Learn to act in public, defend the beliefs. Forget about the shyness and fear of mistakes. Assume responsibility for the life.the Eighth directive - “Do not belong“ to
“You at me such timid, such difficult“, “You not such as all“, - is in every possible way emphasized by parents, transferring to the child the order “do not belong“. The sense of this directive can be deciphered thus:“ Do not belong to anybody, except me, you - exclusive“. The reason of such behavior of parents is that they are afraid to communicate with other people. The person obeying this order feels like the stranger among people and therefore others often unfairly consider it unsociable and closed. The feeling “separately from all“ will always pull this person in a parental family as among other people to it is “cold and lonely“.Completely can be exempted by
from this directive in a situation of group opposition to any threat when the arising feeling of solidarity and association replaces children`s experiences. Other option of release - strong and reliable marriage.
the Ninth directive - “Be not close“, “do not trust“
This directive is similar on previous, but is shown not among other people, and in the relations with one person. “Trust phrases of parents to nobody, all people deceivers“, “Trust only me (parent)“ make the general sense approximately such: “Any proximity is dangerous if it is not proximity with me“. Having received this directive, the child draws a conclusion that the whole world is dangerous, and nobody can be trusted. Bringing similar decisions in adulthood, such person can constantly suspect the people surrounding him of treachery. It will have difficulties in the emotional and sexual relations. Also the role of “victim“ which the opposite sex constantly deceives and throws is frequent for it. Suspiciousness disturbs these people not only in private life, but also in establishing business contacts. Trying though somehow to compensate the mistrust to the world, such person will try to control everything.
What it is possible to advise the person with this directive? To learn to analyze situations: where who and to what degree can be trusted. And... to trust.the Tenth directive - “Do not do“
Supercareful and careful parents do not allow the child to make many usual acts. Do not touch a cat - will scratch. Do not climb trees - you will fall. Do not skate on roller-skaters - you will break. The parents filled with fear worry on any act of the child, keeping saying:“ Wait, do not do it. Consider properly, and suddenly... “. As a result the child is afraid to make any decisions independently. Without knowing what is safe and that cannot be done in any way, he experiences difficulties at the beginning of each new business. Naturally, the child does not even guess that his fears - only obedient following to the directive which sense:“ Do not do itself, it is dangerous. Wait for me“.
What to do to “the unfortunate owner“ of the directive? Begin all new affairs safely, without being afraid of any consequences, but... do it at witnesses. You remember advice to the owner of the directive “do not achieve success“? In total in the same way, only the word “finish“ changes on the word “begin“. The benevolent witness will help you to begin any business. Together with you will go to a gym or to get new job. It will not allow you to remain “alone“ with this directive.
the Eleventh directive - “Be not oneself“
of People with this directive constantly is not satisfied by itself. He wants to resemble someone another all the time. On the ideal athlete, the ideal parent. About such people still say that they are too critical to themselves More, than to others. Quite so, it should surpass other people constantly. At least and on height of requirements imposed to themselves if by other criterion it is impossible. Such people live in a condition of the painful internal conflict. Being constantly unsatisfied with itself and motivated by envy to someone or something, they begin to run away from themselves as are convinced that others it is always better own. This envy to the stranger was imparted him by the parents who as always are wishing well “only“. “Resemble on...“, “Aspire to an ideal“, “Why Anechka (Petenka) can do it, and you cannot?“ “Here Dinochka already sews and knits, and you cannot still sew a button“. And so on. Parents wanted to accustom the child to move forward, be independent and persistent. But “to us it is not allowed to foresee as our word will respond“, everything turned out not as they wanted. The child began to doubt constantly himself and to envy other people. More successful, stronger, quick. So to speak, to ideal people. The result is clear - inferiority complexes and superiority in pure form.the Second version of the directive could be transferred to
by parents if they were dissatisfied with a sex of the been born child. Let`s assume, expected the boy, and the girl was born. In this case “It is a pity for their any phrases that you are not a boy, and that...“ “Yes, not that at me the child was born“ force the child to feel defective, as if been born not by right. To get rid of this unpleasant feeling and to please parents, the child begins to resemble the one whom, on his representation, his parents see. The boy - so the boy, the girl - so the girl. Though a hedgehog or a frog if only parents were happy. Main thing, not.
How to arrive to the person with this directive? To work on increase of a self-assessment and to cease to reach for inaccessible ideals. You know what princesses crap too? Present what at them at the same time persons. I think, not so ideal.
the Twelfth directive - “Do not feel well“Is frequent
when the child is ill, parents wish to encourage him. They tell it tender words and praise for the slightest acts.“ It is necessary, you such weak, and could drink a glass of water“. Or “It is surprising that at such temperature this child still manages to do homework“. The child who received this directive is accustomed, on the one hand, to thought that the illness draws general attention to him, and with another - to expectation that the feeling sick will increase the value of any its act. So the patient`s complex is earned. These people do not feign an illness, they just use the health for obtaining psychological benefit.“ Illness - it is good as allows to feel good“, - they subconsciously consider. It is a pity only that these people quickly enough die, the organism not rubber - cannot constantly hurt.
What I can advise? Find other ways to feel remarkable. Stop making the life of other people miserable the sores.On it the concept of 12 directives comes to an end with
. Now, when you already a little know about the problems more, you can have different feelings. You do not hurry to press them and to hide. Let`s themselves them experience.with
you were revolted by Robert and Mary Guldingov`s assumption that parents gave you the unresolved problems? You want to protect parents, having told in their justification something like “they raised me in a hard time“? It is normal. For the child feeling continuation of parents it is difficult to present that his parents “are bad“ and “imperfect“. It means to present “bad“ and “imperfect“ itself.
That you felt - anger or offense, despair or rage, just assume that from this point belongs to you to make the choice, to do or not to do something. If you have a child, it is not necessary to be afraid to tell something to him now. To avoid directives, being a parent, it is impossible. All the same something and will fly. Try to be not so categorical in the requirements to the child. Let it know that both of you are not robots, and you can feel, do and be mistaken. Remember that our dependence on parental directives, is not fatal. We can change the decisions.