On the edge of
That means marriage crisis
Fine couple of my friends - both beautiful, cheerful, vigorous - dispersed after the first year of joint life. Without having paid with debts for a bright wedding, they quietly parted on different apartments... One more family: thirteen years lived, combustible passion to each other until the husband suddenly left to another, and another was more senior, it is uglier and besides with two children. And still this sad series of stains which comprehended my friends to whose husbands drove under forty.“Yes same it is clear to
, - girlfriends on our sit-round gathering rare already now, - just marriage crisis exclaim!“ We, such clever and widely-read, do not rush foolish slogans like “all men svo...“, and to all we look for background scientific. It seems as the reason at all not in us, and in the general law of the universe.Partly it is valid
so.“ Marriage is a living being, - the psychologist Elena Berezhkovskaya says. - He develops, and therefore, naturally, endures the periods of stability and the periods of crisis. Another matter - not any marriage endures all crises. A lot of things depend on initial conditions which can be better or worse“.what conditions can, actually, consider
A good? Here the so-called law of a complementarity (complementarity) works. To two well together if they supplement each other. For example, the man who in a family was an elder brother meets the woman who was younger sister. Their years the “fulfilled“ roles well are combined, and chance that harmony, rather high will be reached. Quite difficult happens in marriage to people, each of which was the only child. Each of them should endure crisis of consciousness - on new to understand itself. Within this crisis also difficulties in marriage are possible, both the husband, and the wife should learn “to share“ the vital space.
Besides, it is impossible to construct the strong relations if there is no biological compatibility, appeal, a sexual inclination to each other.
From a holiday - to everyday life.
Those difficulties which arise on the first year of joint life designate the first year of marriage standard crisis. It is constructed on a simple thing: those relations which were a continuous holiday earlier gradually acquire life and lose the brightness. On this background there is a recognition of that real person who was not visible earlier.Discrepancy of matrimonial expectations when unpleasant opening are held back, stay behind scenes, as a rule, leads
to the conflicts. Often people do not even think of trifles which irritate and enrage. However these discrepancies collect, coming to a surface in the form of the conflicts sooner or later.
the child`s birth on the first year of joint life does not improve a situation. One more is added to standard crisis. The matter is that appearance of the child inevitably displaces the center in a family. If earlier the woman paid the attention only to the husband, then now the motherhood becomes her leading role. Instinctively, it is sometimes imperceptible for itself, the woman becomes more mother, than the wife, ceases to pay attention to the husband. Besides, she overestimates the man, considering him already not only as sexual partner and friend, but also as father. And he at the same time often feels helpless, its parental instinct is not so powerful as at the woman, it can not appear in the first months of life of the child.
the Habit and routine
Crisis which arises in 5 - 7 years of joint life can be caused by several reasons. In - the first, it is routine. The sexual inclination (and it occurs at the hormonal level, as a result of biological accustoming to each other) decreased, everything became habitual, traditional and very predictable.
In - the second, perhaps, the first child approached preschool age or already began to study at school. It is the dangerous moment too. While the kid grows, there is a feeling of conviviality, exclusiveness, the child gives a lot of pleasure, he ridiculous, sincere, artless. When it enters school age, sharpness of experiences and novelty of impressions disappears. The school student has own, separate life for which he gradually finds more and more time and emotions.
Many during this period give birth to the second child, and often do it from - for feelings of unsteadiness of marriage. But it is obviously losing situation. The child whom try to strengthen the reeled marriage not only is not capable to stick together the relations, but also can become unfortunate.
the Main problem on which there is a crisis of routine consists that marriage needs contents. This question concerns not only families, but also in general the relations of the man and woman. “Often there is not enough content of love. Except the relations, the love, there has to be something, feeding interest of people to each other, - Elena Berezhkovskaya says, - and without it any feeling dies away. Some find contents in construction of giving or house, in increase in prosperity. But sooner or later the house will be built, prosperity will come, and then there will be a serious crisis of marriage...“Same
concerns also education of children. If all sense of the matrimonial relations is concluded in “lifting“, growing up, learning, then the family is expected by “crisis of the become empty nest“ when children go to adulthood. The child should not be a subject for self-realization of parents! While he will become a teenager and with it former contact will be lost, very important is in what own interests of parents consist whether can release the matured person to learn the world...
Each person passes the own crises connected with age. For example, the known crisis of middle age, or the middle of life at men. It is connected with the fact that from 40 years (though at someone terms can move for 5 - 10 years) hormonal changes begin. The sexual inclination decreases, sharpness of love experiences decreases. Besides, at this age the man endures so-called crisis of sense. He begins to overestimate own achievements and the purposes, gets rid of illusions of youth, feels some delay of vital speed.
people react To all this differently. One try to force out thoughts of age, bringing young girlfriends and having a ball, deciding on risky adventures or breaking off long-term attachments. Others become isolated, become suspicious and inclined to the groundless conflicts.
Main that the man enduring crisis of middle age needs to make is to accept itself at new age, in new quality. To try to see itself not such as there is a wish, and it what you are at the present moment.
“In a situation of this crisis by the most important is the fact that the person acquired to this age, acquired morally, - Elena Berezhkovskaya says. - The judgment of will be successful if to the person is what to show, eat with what to justify the lived years. Here and sincere growth, relations with friends, family, children and many other things. This moment is very important. The one who successfully overcomes age crisis seriously moves ahead in self-development“.to
women have an age crisis too. However it passes more softly, and it is explained by the biological reasons. The woman is by nature steadier and less subject to changes. Men go evolutionarily forward, are more subject to risks (therefore at them several times violations like stutter, squint, mental diseases meet more often). The so-called maternal effect which manifestations geneticists found also at animals, and even at plants forces women to keep, “hold“ evolution gains.
“So far marriage is live
of the Rule of crisis, there is a hope to overcome crisis, - Elena Berezhkovskaya considers, - if to conform to some main rules“. Here they: to Tell
- about a problem. It is very important to begin conversation in time, not to turn away from the arisen troubles, not to accumulate them. not to generalize
- even if you speak in anger. to Tell
- about the experiences, but not to make a claim (instead of “you are always...“ tell “I am upset when you...“). If at least one is frightened by
- , the situation can leave from - under control, in such cases it is necessary to address experts (family psychologists).
I, at last:
- not to be afraid of crisis because it is an indicator of normal development of the relations.