The age matters
Adoption by people of advanced age
(45 years are aged more senior)
Many people who grew up children feel forces to bring up one more or several children. The good and laudable wish, however over the years increases not only wisdom and experience, but also the lived years. When considering an opportunity to take the adopted child in the family people most often ask questions - as the big age difference how many years have to be to the child whether it is possible to adopt absolutely small as agencies of guardianship will treat such desire and what difficulties can arise will affect.the Decision to adopt at solid age usually is considered by
in details, and adoptive parents stop the choice on the child at the age of 5 - 10 years, and even is more senior. Most often such child is not even adopted, and take under guardianship. But there are also extreme cases when the elderly people who exchanged sometimes already the sixth ten decide to adopt the baby. It is clear - it would be desirable, holding a small parcel on hands, to recreate feelings of youth, and perhaps, someone had not to nurse with the kid at all - the thought or an opportunity to take the child arose recently, and so there is a wish to use the last chance.
we Will try to understand. On the one hand, any legislative age limits of adoptive parents or the child whom elderly people could take, no. However besides provisions of the law there are still laws of logic, standard of ethics and … psychology of the child.
As if we wanted to distract from own age, whatever forces and intentions directed us, we have to understand that the age matters. It is necessary to reckon with own opportunities, perception of people around, and through very small time - and with opinion of the child.
First of all, it is worth trying to estimate possible problems and to understand, it is real to you to cope with them or not.
First the main difficulty is, of course, physical activity, generally - carrying the child on hands. Whether to rock to sleep for the night whether tooth hurts or the child just is afraid to release you - he will ask on hands. As if you neither optimized life and nor protected forces, it is necessary to carry on the child`s hands. It is possible to make not everything, just being nearby; the kid has to feel heat and embraces of mother, an opportunity to catch it and to settle comfortably and safely. In certain cases carrying on hands just will not manage to be avoided! To get from an arena or a bed, to transfer from a bathtub, to dress and put, bring it to walk or to policlinic … and still, perhaps, it is necessary to bear not only the child, but also to drag a carriage on itself. If you expect to avoid it, saving forces whether then it is worth taking the child?
To purely physical activity surely increase moral and emotional.we Will begin
with the fact that the small child sleeps falteringly, short intervals for 2 - 3 hours, constantly alternating a dream and food, and for such short term of a dream mother fully does not manage to have a rest. Moreover during this time it is necessary to be in time a lot of things: to wash, prepare fresh mix - and not once a day, and it is constant. And if the child has problems with a stomach or teeth climb? Monotonous nervous dergotnya and the sleep debt is exhausted and literally dement. It is even difficult for young and healthy mothers to endure it what to say when the years are taking their toll. Young people have a big reloading ability allowing to restore quicker forces after a stress and high loadings, and at elderly, of course, there are more wisdom and patience, but absolutely precisely - margin of safety is less.
the Second aspect - ethical - not less important. At adoption the child will be legally written down as the son / daughter, however the age difference is anyway perceived more than 40 years surrounding as something unnatural. The elderly person with a carriage is associated with the grandmother or the grandfather. Doctors and neighbors, then parents and children at a playground will be surprised at first. In - the first, it will strongly draw attention, in - it will probably not be pleasant to you to hear the second from peers of your child in kindergarten “for you the grandmother came“, and to the child to speak that it is not the grandmother, but mother. Growing up, not only children, but also their peers already understand affectation of age distinction and begin to ask the child why it has such elderly parents.the Kid grows at
, but also your years go. At younger school age there are other difficulties. This time differs in intensive socialization, the child joins collective; the individual traits allowing the child to feel independent of opinion of collective are not developed yet, and the vast majority of children wants to be as all in a class. It is known not only by children`s psychologists, but also marketing specialists of the companies - producers of goods for children of younger school age. With an enviable regularity among children there are boom of any toys, sharp fashion on one, on another. The kinder - surprises, hundred parts *, Harry Pottera - children seek to catch what is appreciated at peers in the environment in spite of the fact that houses have much more interesting games and opportunities for entertainments.
A at this age they especially sharply endure divorce of parents, loss of relatives, problems in a family and not typicalness of the family. Children it is valid attach great value to age of parents. They want that their father with mother were not less young, fashionable and provided, than parents of peers. They necessarily compare and hesitate of the situation if it not so. Ask not to drive them in school, try to avoid a meeting at school, “forget“ to invite to the general detsko - parental actions. The following subtlety consists that as it is sad, but there are you though a wisdom well, boys (and girls too) want to be proud not only your various intellectual talents, but also still physical article and force. Especially it is important for children of 9 - 13 years when for them the stage of active self-affirmation at school begins, and still completely for themselves they cannot stand. Children want to feel and physically protected too.to
For the child, even already rather adult, it is required priglyad. While the small child, and a focus of his interests is quite satisfied with the house and a sandbox, it is simple to make it. However at the age of 8 - 10 years the circle of contacts and independence significantly extends, and then the child most of all experiments with a social environment, chooses to himself the first serious friends, an environment at school. During this period the child prefers active occupations, and the only opportunity at least some part of his time to carry out in common is to lead the same active lifestyle. To hold it on a lead and to go with it only there where you want (parks, theaters, the museums) - it is senseless and fraught that, having become more senior, it will break from this lead and will try all what it was protected from, - only already without your manual, an example and control.
Even more senior children are teenagers - come off the parental house more and more, they are attracted by campaigns, trips, big holidays on the open areas, concerts (and, we will notice, more than once in a year, and sometimes several times in a week). To master at least part of such program, even at big desire of parents and ability to stick to them in a focus of interest of the child, after 55 - 60 years it seems to us not quite really. It will be harder and harder for you to transfer own habitat which is actively created by the teenager: loud music, continuous presence of the house of friends, hour telephone conversations, fits of anger and fastidiousness of not clear origin.
“ When you grew up, we began the small and big misunderstanding which developed into alienation. I will not begin you to remind anything, you perfectly remember everything. The matter is that - and here I am guilty to you - we were never frank with each other. I was afraid to frighten you and preferred sweet lie to the bitter truth, but a thicket - silence. You saw that almost all children have parents, on days off they together get out in the wood, drive a ball, burn down fires, to them is cheerful... Each boy bragged of the father. And you lived with the old man, and all knew that I to you not the father. I could not isolate you from the world “. Sikalov Vladislav Vladimirovich > it is very difficult to p to find
During this period balance of relationship. Though the parent is necessary to the teenager not less, than to the baby, but this requirement is already not so obvious and the behavior of the child considerably changes. On the one hand, he matures and seeks to gain as much as possible independence, with another - still remains the child and needs attention, understanding and caress. It is necessary to give reasonable freedom and to manage to keep the friendly relations and parental influence on the child sometimes showing demonstrative estrangement and behaving provocatively without passing to “military“ actions against it and without going into other extremes - being eliminated from his life or following his tastes that especially difficult is given at advanced age.
people, having experience of education of children fall Into the most difficult situation. Unfortunately, too often standard teenage problems and problems arising practically at all children are transferred to the identity of the child, heredities are attributed, and it only aggravates intensity in the relations - the teenager, facing the parent`s resistance, becomes reserved even more and moves away from the house.
Is also one more reef which, perhaps, yet is not felt so distinctly while you are active and work.
the Teenager pays a lot of attention to own look, appearance and clothes, an opportunity to have fashionable things, games which his peers have. All this demands considerable expenses. In fifteen years, with retirement, transition to more low-wage job, own diseases, this financial loading can be for you too considerable. We faced more than once that parents could not cope with financial problems, and it together with a psychological age separation led to the fact that the child aspired from a family and adjoined the companies of peers from poor dysfunctional families. Whether they will be good satellites for your child and whether he will be able to resist to their influence - a big question.everything is subordinated by
In the nature to a certain rhythm, and for each action the time including for acquisition by children is optimum. Being beaten out from a course of nature, it is necessary to be extremely careful in estimates of own opportunities and, having thought probably in something to renounce in relation to initial intentions. Of course, any problems, including financial and with health can arise also at a young family, but nevertheless we will not deceive ourselves - risk at elderly incomparably above.
We repeatedly faced the family tragedies arising from - for violations detsko - the parental relations provoked by inability of parents to understand needs and a train of thought of younger generation. In our opinion, considering the possibility of acceptance of the child in a family (especially very small), it is necessary to switch off emotions and to soberly estimate the moral and physical forces - and not for the year ahead, and for a decade, and even it is more.
of the Recommendation
Nevertheless adoption imitates the nature, and usually extremely seldom women give birth after 40 - 45 years. Exceptions, of course, happen, but it does not mean that such late child was lucky therefore once again really estimate the chances of success, forces and opportunities, having answered itself questions:
- , your health whether there will be no child in the most difficult for it time without support and protection, whether it happens to it to be deserted at even very early age is how strong;
- someone from your relatives will be able, friends, acquaintances, neighbors to support you in case of a serious disease, to undertake cares of education and keeping of the child; whether
- among them the young people approving your decision who will communicate with the child when it grows up will be, creating it the positive and supporting circle of contacts. People who will be able to change if necessary you and to participate in those entertainments which will be for one reason or another inaccessible to you. Whether there are among them no those who will be able to turn the child against you; whether
- enough financial opportunities and resources for providing your family with the teenager after retirement, including taking into account the increasing expenses on own treatment; whether
- an opportunity to provide to the child a separate living space in case of conflict emergence is;
- as now you react to youth whether children`s crying, loud laughter, bustle irritate you;
- as far as, taking into account prospect, you will be morally flexible and whether you will be able to be reconciled with the toys scattered on all apartment, noise, constant guests, telephone conversations. Whether yours will leave pedagogical talent and forces on fight for an order in the apartment, for the “barchelor“ habits?
If you have many doubts, then better absolutely refuse adoption. It is worth looking around - possibly, there will be a way to otherwise solve a self-realization problem in communication with children. And it is possible, it is better to become the good grandmother, than bad mother and to renounce ambitions, than to arrange itself accident under an old age of years.If resources, moral and physical forces, good support of friends and relatives are provided to
, and your desire remained steadily, then, despite the drawing-in time, try to be trained for adoption most well.
Previously communicate to children of different age in establishment, at acquaintances. You have a life experience - perhaps, having got accustomed, will notice the remarkable child is more senior, at least 3 - 4 - x years or is even more senior. And to you it will be simpler, and to the child. It is more logical to baby to have an opportunity to be brought up in younger family.
Think over option not of adoption, and capture of the child under guardianship. Nevertheless for the sponsored child at an exit from - under guardianship the possibility of receiving housing, preferential entering higher education institutions remains, funds for keeping of the child are monthly paid. In case of need agencies of guardianship can come to the rescue also of you, and to the child. And you will be able to adopt later, up to execution to the child of 18 years. If all of you overestimate forces, and there will be insuperable problems, then guardianship cancellation, in comparison with adoption cancellation, is less painful both for the trustee, and for the child - it is not necessary to understand what surname the child will need to carry later what part of property will depart to it and where which of splinters of your family will live.Specify
whether are put to the child pension on loss of the supporter or other payments - issue them before adoption establishment. In some regions (including in Moscow) for the thrown and left children additional compensation payments are provided, they remain also on the adopted child (The resolution of the government of Moscow of April 6, 2004 No. 206 - software with changes of November 23, 2004)by
Make financial accumulation on a case of an illness, loss of the income, other problems. Open a savings account addressed to the child, there it is possible to translate not only the pension and other payments, but also part of the income which are due to it.Should watch of
- over the health, appearance and manifestations of weakness much more rigidly. Forget about an opportunity to complain in the bosom of the family of the age and difficulties caused by it.
- Regularly shake up the clothes, try to put on fashionably, stylishly, but do not go too far that for your age not to look vulgar.
- Try to be aware of youth news, music, festivals, movies whatever foolish they to you at first sight seemed. Will not prevent to read now and then youth magazines regularly.
- Try most tolerantly, attentively and validly to communicate with the child, first of all, in the bosom of the family. do not rely
- only on the life experience, it is useful to re-read modern books on it is brought upiyu to subscribe to couple of parental magazines, to communicate regularly with younger parents.
- Maintain the relations with the friends and acquaintances having children of close age; it is better if your child communicates in a circle known to you. Try to establish the relations with parents of fellow students in kindergarten and the child`s schoolmates at once, cooperate with them for joint rest and entertainments, besides, they can give support in educational affairs and communication with the child at emergence of intensity in the relations.
- Leading active lifestyle, nevertheless count forces that to please to an image not to affect the health.
- While it is desirable for you to conduct, maybe, the way of life which is not absolutely corresponding to your years, honestly you tell with the child about the age and possible age changes - all the same he will see them, and the subject tabuirovaniye will only add to it even more doubts and fears.
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* It is such cardboard kruglyashka with images of heroes of popular animated films and movies, play them in the same way as in days of old a pitch-and-toss or a pristenok.