I want to tell divorce with mother of
Ya how I divorced own mother.
As can divorce the mother? As it is strange, but practically as well as with the ex-husband - or to quarrel completely, without wishing to see each other, or very much to try to do a good mine at bad game, constraining irritation in hope that in different territories everything is formed, or just to remain good friends. I think that those readers who were lucky in life, and they do not know problems with mother, will exclaim indignantly: “As it is possible to argue on it! As we know, there is a lot of husbands, and mother one!“ Yes, mother one, but the psychologist from the Healthy Family center who advises pregnant women, says that 90 percent of women complain of the problems with mothers. And it is not casual complaints, but requests to help to resolve sore, chronic situations - the adults who took place women are afraid of the mothers, suffer from excessive dictatorship, cannot just find for years with them a common language. And mother - how it was already told, one, and about this problem you will not forget.
By the way, the term “divorce with parents“ was thought up by my friend, the famous American writer. It is necessary to tell that besides writing as it at them, at Americans, is found, it has a prestigious, monetary profession. But he began to write books after “divorce with parents“, being already adult and well-fad uncle with three children. The heap of energy which was spent in debate for the subject “creature I dumb, or have the right of the word“ earlier was just released. Before he made many attempts to build up the normal, civilized relationship with parents; having emigrated to the USA, he dragged them for himself as soon as it became possible. But parents did not want to depart from the “one of us adult, other silly“ model.
But it is absolutely even not about adult, well-fad uncles, and just the opposite. The speech about young people, nice, taken place (or not really) women. Everything at them very much is even quite good, except one - the relation with own mother. At work already in acknowledgement of merits begin to call by name - to a middle name, neigbours run to consult, the child dances for pleasure when mother comes back in the evening, but … But all this has no value for her own mother who loves the daughter terribly, but at the same time up to the depth of soul is sure that the daughter at all knows nothing it (which has already children) and is not able to live, and without her councils will be gone. If only … “It you do councils not so, you to the child put not on that jacket, at you the furniture costs not so“ - familiar texts, isn`t that so? If this criticism still had passive character, but after my mother gave to me advice, it went for me on the apartment with a question: “Well why you do not want to make as I want“ until I did not fly into a rage.
Generally my mother very fairly clever, sympathetic and hardworking person. But when I matured, I understood that we so different what is useless to find out which of us is right and who is guilty (and almost each conversation came to an end with quarrel), and it is necessary just to live separately. Mother apprehended conversation on exchange of the apartment in bayonets, and told:“ Here you will marry, then I will exchange the apartment“. At the same time it is necessary to explain that for my mother all meaning of life is made by her children, she has no other interests. And she constantly announces that the main thing - that to us (children) was good. I married quickly enough. She refused to part, motivating it with the fact that I throw the elderly, sick woman. Also quickly I divorced since the moral situation in our apartment left much to be desired.
Having recovered after divorce, I tried to live as little as possible at home - lived on half a year in the apartment of the left relative, at friends. And when at new work at me the novel unexpectedly flashed, and the young man suggested to live together, I, without hesitation, agreed. After a while there was a child. I left work, the husband lost work too. Began to rent apartment there is nothing, we parted on parents. Together with foreign parents nobody wanted to live, everyone behind shoulders already had an unsuccessful experience of cohabitation.in What the Jewish grandmother differs from the Arab terrorist in
Ya returned to mother. She unusually fell in love with my child, and began to participate in his education very actively. Its help was huge, but in the form in which all this occurred, it was absolutely unacceptable for me. Absolutely it was impossible to agree with it. (You know a joke about the Jewish grandmother? My mother - the Russian, but a joke - about it. Question of the Armenian radio: “In what does the Jewish grandmother differ from the Arab terrorist?“. Answer: “It is possible to agree with the Arab terrorist“.)
Mother considered that her opinion exclusively correct. She criticized each my step - not so washed small bottles, not so turned, took a walk a little (not 4 hours a day, and 3. 45). I slowly went crazy. Girlfriends advised - take the child, leave to walk with a carriage. I tried to live at friends, but the small child is a mass of bindings: policlinic, dairy kitchen … When the child was about two years old, I came to work part time. My half-rates were not so big, but for that time while I was at work, I employed the nurse not to depend on mother. With the nurse (as I understand now) I was scary lucky - it was the nice, intelligent and benevolent woman. As it is easy to guess, mother and at her found faults (and who does not have them) and every evening ached that I do not even represent how it is difficult when in the house foreign person. In a year the nurse moved to other area, and we (to my enormous regret) had to leave. Mother told categorical “any nurses, the child needs collective“, and the child was sent to a garden. The child appeared nesadovskiya - when in the mornings teachers tore off him from me, the roar stood on all kindergarten. And that the most terrible, he was ill. Longer than two days in a row he did not go to a garden, and after these two days was ill long and hard. I began to hate the phrase “kindergarten“, but I had no other exit.
the Hostage of a situation
meanwhile, my career slowly went uphill, and the difference between the attitude towards me at work and houses became more and more. At work to me treated with genuine respect (unmarried women with small children are very good workers since they very much are afraid to lose the work), and houses I remained the little girl who does everything not so, and “who will tell you about it how not the mother“. I suffered very much as I was a hostage of a situation. It is necessary to tell that my mother was not the worst option, but just there were no forces to listen to the song “at you nothing will turn out to whom you such are necessary (ugly, not really healthy), except the mother …“ any more. Once in the summer, after the next showdown and my tears, I understood that I so cannot live any more. In the middle of night on foot I went to my relative who lived rather nearby, and long sobbed (what never did before), telling that I so cannot any more, and is not present an exit any.Who looks for
, that will always find
After this case I accurately understood that I need to solve something. The question of an apartment sjema after short reflections disappeared since besides rent of the apartment it was necessary to pay the nurse that in the sum made rather big money. I began to think of getting into debt and to buy mother the one-room apartment in the neighbourhood. She even agreed, and I, naive, believed. After I found and offered it three options which she refused, reached me that she will not go anywhere. I began to look for very bad, but two-room. (Search of money as a loan is a separate history. I will tell only shortly what the money I had very little, and those schemes of crediting which are now offered have extortionate character. I know one: who looks for, that will always find.) After year search the apartment was - killed, tiny, in the awful five-storey building, but two-room. It was necessary to do repair. Money was not expected even in the vast future. The relations of the house continued to be heated. I was in despair - on days off it was necessary to do repair, at night I tried to do “the left work“, plus to everything still continuous pressure. Though my many acquaintances had similar situations, and mother constantly repeated that all live together, and nothing. whether
That at you the scenario
At this moment I incidentally went to a creative meeting with Maria Arbatova and as “lousy about a bath“, and I - about mother, I asked it a question of how to the adult woman to build up the normal relationship with parents. Arbatova answered that normal people resolve this issue in youth and if I still could not make it, then I should address the psychologist. I objected that my many friends have the same problems what Masha answered that each person writes the scenario of the life, and that if I have problems, then I in the scenario take the same problem girlfriends. Look supposedly around. I looked back. Really, very many () already solved with different results for themselves this problem. One lady told that her mother could not reconcile to the fact that her daughter already adult, and this lady after not minute quantity of quarrels decided to stop the relations, and many years they do not talk.
It of course, an extreme case, but I saw that absolutely very young girls, having hardly begun to earn, at once rent apartment and build the life as they want, but not as their parents consider it necessary. Rather precisely one my acquaintance who gave birth to the child recently described the situation. Yulya with the husband lived separately from parents, but when the kid appeared, her mother began to come to them often. And when once he was unwell, the doctor came. Yulya described this situation so. “In the room there was a doctor, my mother, and two children - the boy of two months a joy, and I, 27 years. My mother behaved as the hostess of a situation: put here, not so you hold, close a window. Externally everything is correct, but I understood that I do not want to play by such rules. When the doctor left, I told:“ Mother, is my child, and from now on I will solve as it is necessary and as it is not necessary“. Mother took offense and in tears escaped, but in half an hour returned to take the recipe and to go to a drugstore“.
Visit of not old lady
I I went to the psychologist. I addressed it for consultation earlier, and always it gave quite real help. But in this case it was not absolutely clear even why I go. It seems everything is clear - there is a conflict, but the apartment is bought, it is necessary slightly - to wait slightly, and everything will be excellent. But after I told everything, the psychologist suddenly asked a simple question - you understand that travel will not solve a problem? And I suddenly with all distinctness understood why I came. Subconsciously I perfectly knew it, but only the psychologist formulated a problem for me. “What to do?“ - in full powerlessness I asked. The answer was short: “To work“.“ It is a hard work on forming of the relations if you agree to it, the result will be. The matter is that in consciousness of your mother there is a certain scheme of your relations, and having even parted, you will not be able to change this scheme. You do not want to stop absolutely with it the relations?“. I did not want at all, even on the contrary, I wanted that we had at last normal relations. “Means, it is necessary to work on them“.
By the way, he told me that he my problem very standard (well, it and is so clear), and gave one example. Some time ago to it the woman who was 60 (!) years which complained of mother who was 82 years old came with the same trouble. At this client was already two children and three grandsons, but it did not prevent her elderly mother to criticize actively every time her (you such unscrupulous, you called me only four times, etc. yesterday) . The situation was complicated by the fact that 82 - the summer lady was seriously sick. But, it appeared, as such situation could be resolved.Parting
I we began to work as
with complexes. By then I already moved to the half-ruined apartment. At first I just flew from the peace of mind which fell down me. Acquaintances and relatives in perplexity asked: “And what, mother remained in the big apartment, and you in small?“ To me was all the same if only nobody sawed.
the Psychologist explained that my any fault that I leave mother no. And in an amicable way it was necessary not to get into excessive debt, and to exchange the apartment. And that, criticizing me at the child, my mother crippled to him mentality since the child at such age cannot digest criticism of the most important authority. Well, having strongly raked me over the coals regarding my numerous complexes, he offered the following scheme. As we communicated with mother mainly by phone now, it was necessary to build conversation as follows - quietly, surely, not emotsioniruya, to talk and as soon as any arrivals - concerning me began, nurses, my methods of education - right there to stop conversation. At the same time to keep the diary and with this diary to come to blamestorming session to the psychologist.
Each campaign to the psychologist cost huge money, besides, all this history took away from me so many forces that I was dragged to it through a stub - a pack. But at the end of the tunnel light appeared - at first after travel and after I changed a line of conduct, my mother tried suit terrible hysterics, but over time she understood that it is much bigger, than I, am interested in the normal relations, and began to change slowly. It was very hard, one I would not cope for anything. Or coped, but with much bigger losses. Now everything begins to settle down, and there is a wish to believe that my life at last enters the normal course.
What I can tell as a result? Each person, at each woman has a right on own, with own mistakes and udacha, life. Remember that you have the right for the personal, inviolable space in which nobody, even your native mother, has the rights to interfere without yours on that permissions. You always have the right to tell “no“. I asked the psychologist: “Well as I will interrupt conversation with mother, she has the right to sort out with me the relations“ what he answered:“ Yes, it has, but you have the same right not to sort out with it the relations“.by
Ya it is sure that it is necessary to live separately. As if it was not difficult financially, your moral balance cannot be estimated any money. Remember that all our squabbles happen in the face of our children. And children, as we know, are raised not when you bring up them and when they watch how you communicate with other people. Building up the normal, civilized relationship with the parents, you lay the foundation of the normal relations with own child. And you at last, in 20, 30 or in 60 years become adults, and it is, as we know, dream of each child.the Comment of the psychologist can allocate to
Besides normal parents who adequately treat the grown-up children two groups:
- the Parents who are too sponsoring so-called “hyper guardianship“ from parents exists.
- Overwhelming parents.
usually very nervous mothers treat the first group. It happens when the child late, only or very painful.
mothers possessing authoritative character treat the second group. Part of them - single mothers. Most often such authoritativeness is caused by circumstances, but over time need for it disappears, and character of the relations remains the same.
Children become adults, do career, become self-sufficient. They have problems with parents which cannot internally accept their maturity. Problems usually happen two types:
- the Matured children continue to be dependent on the parents.
- Children become self-sufficient, and parents live in the old scheme of the relations: interfere, try to control, specify how to live, criticize. Such parents create nervous situation, demand that they were called, told about the life. They try to transfer by the talk the alarm at distance, and generally try “to throw off“ the nervous tension on children, usually unconsciously.
Children on the contrary, all the life try to prove that they cost something too. There is an effect of overcompensation.
What to do in such situation?to
of the First category (the adult children remaining in dependence) needs the help. It is possible to try most to change a situation - to cease to report. It is necessary to learn to speak to mother “no“. To show hardness. For example, at you debate on a subject to muffle up or not to muffle up the child. It is necessary to explain firmly to mother that it is your child, and to you to solve. To explain that it is not pleasant to you that she interferes with education. It is better to begin such conversation with words:“ Mother, I very much love you, but if you want to continue to communicate with me, you have to stop criticizing me, my children and the husband“.
Usually such mothers do not perceive heart-to-heart talks on “I Am Already Adult“. It is difficult for person to change stereotypes, especially at advanced age. The relations have to be under construction as with the child - in some cases it is necessary just to tell firmly “is not present, it is impossible“. The feeling of your personal internal comfort has to be border of your relations. The relations have to be equal, the woman has the right to do that it is necessary for her, and mother has to accept her choice. In case the relations continue not to satisfy you, then it is necessary to stop communication with mother for a while in general.Should tell
that it is necessary to live separately in adult age. If there is no opportunity to buy housing - it is necessary to rent it. To bring the husband to parents that at his presence to listen to their notations, it is not recommended at all, anything good it does not lead to.
Unfortunately, Russia is a communal country in which the related relations play the dominating role. Besides, in our country elderly people after retirement appear out of work, they have nothing to be engaged, except as own children (or grandsons). Unlike the West where elderly people often conduct more active and rich life, than people of middle age - they travel, go to clubs, take care of the own life. They just have no time to climb in private life of the children.
Unlike foreign, our pensioners do it often and with pleasure that leads to the inevitable conflicts. Such people should understand eventually that their own children not such morons who can solve nothing, and fill the life with contents.
to Mothers can give advice: prepare for pension in advance, let at you will be the life, and you will not need to interfere with life of own children.
Vitaly Zimin, the head of Psychological consultation at the Academic school of professional psychology : Why mother? Mother in the childhood is the most important object of love and recognition. The relations with mother till one and a half years are the most important. Since two years each person begins to separate from mother. It is very painful conflict. On the one hand the child wants office, on the other hand looks for the maximum proximity.
With a new force this conflict breaks out in youth. It is desirable to solve this problem in youth, otherwise it can stretch for years.this problem is especially difficult
For women since the girl and the girl identifies themselves with mother, and in too time it has to separate internally from it to feel as the independent personality.
Mother at the same time tests very strong alarm as any person is afraid to remain one. If mother has a husband, she feels more surely. And it is easier for child to separate from parents when they together.the Office begins
with beginning to see real people in the parents. As a rule, it leads to revolt through which the matured person tries to get up on one step with the parents. Revolt comes to an end only when parents recognize the child as the adult. Thirst of recognition of own full value - one of the strongest factors in human life.
But whatever occurred between parents and children, communication has to remain. Preservation of communication says that the problem can be reconsidered.