We will agree or quarrel? We bring up
our expensive synulek and daughters on our representation “that it is good and that it is bad“. And they argue with us and prove the point of view. Or, without telling anything, arrive as will want, and confront us with a fait accompli. It begins with a stubborn lomaniye of toys in 2 - 3 years, and, apparently, any more never comes to an end.
If to look that advise in books on education, then we will see:“ It is necessary to be respectful to hobbies and requirements of children even if they seem to you empty. They (children, that is) have a right for own desires and mistakes“. So, if to conform to this rule, then at a picture - the child was instead of the put two hours at half past four, without one mitten, with wet legs and “two“ on mathematics - it is necessary to respect his desire? And how then correction of this two, quinsy after such walk? Really mother should not go for work or study and the rest of ill-fated day now to sit with the child - to treat and teach?!
Or another - “princess“ demands new tights, discos, tickets for a concert, to come not earlier than 23. 00 …. What? Endure offense, pass roughness (there`s nothing to be done, mummy, age!) superfluous do not tell, set aside affairs aside, caress yes embrace!
A our, mother`s, fatigue and nerves? Diseases and disappointments? Troubles at work, household chores, a headache? Is and the adult has a right for personal pain, for vulnerability and fear, for bad mood, eventually!
... You come back home in the evening. You want hot tea, rest, a quiet conversation. But it is necessary to liquidate urgently consequences of the grandiose ship-wreck taking place in a bathroom - the son played sea battle; to speak with neighbors; to calm the oldest daughter who is late for appointment and to take part in search of the gone umbrella. And there is a wish to tell: “You think what are you doing?“ - to the son;“ Itself put, itself and look for, here a habit to scatter everything“ - daughters. Noise - din, threats, tears, at last, “I will not be any more“, temple pain, the spoiled evening. Familiarly? At this moment of a reasoning on the right of the child for own desires and mistakes seem the next utopia of abstruse psychologists, and you arrive at idea that scandals are inevitable.
But tomorrow is a new day. When passions settle, we will think of their consequences for you, positive and negative.
At first pluses:Evil emotions are dumped by
- . Everything is silent, nobody shouts, it is possible to drink quietly tea. by
- gained if not final, then, at least, a temporary victory. Water peacefully murmurs in a bathroom, a thing on the places, the son, cautiously looking around, the second day snuffles over textbooks.
A now minuses:
- Loss of former contact with the child. It becomes much more careful and more cunning. What does it close it a shoulder? Why the left pocket of his jacket is so strange bulged? “You start something, the sonny?“ - “Not, mothers“. But from each loud sound you for some reason begin to shudder.
- Plainly without being able to reflect, easily imitating, the child acquires “a military way“ as the only manner of resolution of conflicts. If your victory turned out
- full - resistance of the child is broken once and for all, he does not dream neither of brigantines, nor of freebooters, nor of the captain Flint any more, and seeks to correspond to your ideal - attention! Refusal of independence, an initiative, readiness to follow the authority and force. It is necessary to you?
- A the fears which remained with children, offenses, jealousy, infantilism and other. > it is difficult for li to be kept by
- in the heat of battle from sharp words and offensive expressions. Then you already would also like to take away some words back, but in this situation to ask forgiveness for the actions especially difficult. Especially at the child who is all the same guilty the conflict situation was created by him.
? Only two “pluses“ and huge number of “minuses“. The picture is quite evident and it is theoretically clear how it is better to arrive. But from it it is not much easier. Even trying to avoid acute angles, calling to the aid all the patience, we often only save the irritation. Sooner or later it will be found, and then, without being valid more to restrain, we indulge - we shout and we swear.
A meanwhile psychologists do not urge us to swear and not to shout never. It is necessary just not to accuse others of the boiled emotions. For example, it is possible to cry: “Stupid person! How many time to tell you - put keys back!“. But it is better if it sounds so: “Listen! I hardly restrain. Enrages me when every time it is necessary to look for keys!“ . In other words, instead of “you bad“, “as it is not a shame to you“, “you have no head“ - “I am indignant“, “it is unpleasant to me“, “irritates me“, etc.
Is surprising, but the fact - such simple, would seem, the thing gives to our relatives the chance to truly understand you, and to you - to seize own feelings, to avoid mutual recriminations and to send a showdown to the fruitful course. >
However actually it appears p not so easily with a heat about a heat to find proper words. It makes sense to practice in it in advance. Therefore try to choose, for example, from the statements offered below about an order better - a disorder what suits you, and also think up the option. If it is interesting to you, play this situation with children. Really, what they would tell in response to each of these remarks?I cannot wait for
- Ya more when you, at last, clean things!
- I am oppressed by this disorder. Your room became terrible.
- Ya never thought that my daughter will be such sloven.