Adoption after loss of the blood child
of the Family, lost the blood child, quite often address adoption. Unfortunately, not always such decision does parents and the child is happier, and we will try to understand together why so it happens and how as much as possible to secure itself against mistakes.
As strictly it sounds, adoption - business which it is necessary to approach with absolutely cold head, having rejected emotions and not only having weighed the forces and opportunities, but also is quiet, having soberly understood that, that moves you. Without having answered itself it is honest, “why to me it is necessary“, “what child is necessary to me“, you should not take this step - the risk is too big not only not to cope with trouble, but also to get to new.
to Present to foreign little man a family, to fall in love and recognize it to the family - hard business. And twice hard it happens for the people who lost own child. Making the decision, such families often are guided by the following:
- aspiration to find the child, the most similar on blood to return lost as soon as possible, to recreate life before loss, to fill the formed emptiness in soul, a gap in a family; to
- desire to switch to care of other child - daily loading and efforts will not give time for despondency and will allow to endure loss pain easier;
- an opportunity to help the child who appeared in a similar situation, - lost parents.
Not necessarily only one of these motives is present, they can intertwine and supplement one another, but usually one of them predominates.the Adopted child is similar
to blood - whether it will be easier for you? As a rule, at first after the incident the hope settles in soul that, it is possible, where - that is the child`s “twin“ and if to find its or just similar, then, perhaps, it will be able to continue life of blood, there will be something like replacement, some kind of reincarnation.“ When my son was killed, I saw on the TV transfer in which showed the child very similar to mine, - one of women who endured loss told - he was called as well as my native son, and I thought: it is a sign from my son though he is not with us any more“.
the First desire arising at the choice - to take in a family of the child of the same gender and age what was also native, or (if it was already rather adult) at least the same floor. Similar approach seems obvious and though, at first sight, does not contradict common sense and gives hope for success, but alas, in practice usually does not come true. Why? Really, sometimes, parents use absolutely inhuman efforts - travel around orphanages, hospitals and shelters, and they manage to find externally very similar boy or the girl. They take the child in a family. But similarity just also is the most artful moment. There are no absolutely identical people and children. Even externally as like as two peas twins differ in habits, requirements, abilities. Parents can make a big mistake, taking great pain to recreate an image of the died favourite little man, imposing to the adopted child the same clothes, the same games, and the child can take great pain to correspond to such image... But to live others life extremely difficult, and at all it is impossible for the child. Adoptive parents quickly enough find out what externally the child not absolutely repeats the son or the daughter and every day changes more and stronger, and the moments of similarity not only do not dull reminiscence, but chafe them even more.
Necessarily adoptive parents compare children. Really they are similar, and the adopted child would have to become such as parents want to see, but it is found - no, this not such capable, not bright, at the same age ours perfectly swam, same in panic is afraid of water. Over time adoptive parents are irritated more and more by misses and inability of the adopted child. And they surely will be, living in establishment, it had neither sufficient care, nor an opportunity to learn the world and to study.
“Mind I understand that it is impossible to compare my talented son to the child from orphanage, - one of adoptive mothers who addressed for consultation confesses to conversation, - but I cannot do anything with myself. He in four years does not utter usual words, and mine already well read at this time. This cannot sit minutes, and mine already in checkers could play for hours and hours with the father. Already I think whether not to return back it, but it is a shame before people“.to
to the Child from state establishment needs considerable time to show the abilities and to achieve at least that progress which are peculiar to house peers. And even when they will appear, can remain unnoticed, still, they are alien. Can seem to new parents that achievements in mathematics it is more important, than ability to design (to draw, sing), and their efforts to impart to the child traditionally family bents simply go to sand! So external similarity plays a mean joke over adoptive parents - there is nothing more painfully to realize that behind close expression of eyes, the chelochka which is hitched up by a nose absolutely the stranger with other voice, a manner to speak, think and live. It just as instant flash of pleasure from the flashed familiar jacket of the child lost in crowd is replaced by deep disappointment and despair - no, not he. The infinite deja vu to which creation so many forces are applied not only does not rescue, but also infinitely rubs a wound. Constantly there is a desire to tell: “And here Volodya (Ania, Tanya...) washed for itself the dishes / loved mathematics / aspired on the dacha...“Imagine
that you marry, and for the spouse(s) this marriage not the first, and you should listen endlessly what remarkable was his first wife (what patient was the first spouse) as she beautifully molded pelmeni (was not malicious from - for badly cooked borsch), cleverly answered questions of the mother-in-law (loved the mother-in-law) and... the list can be expanded indefinitely. To the child it is even heavier, he should live constantly in a condition of the competition in which it is just impossible to win, other child, except real progress, most often also it is idealized - loss erases those problems and difficulties; which arose during lifetime.
the Child cannot live all life the dressed-up doll, gradually he understands that in it love not Him, but another, and begins to resist the imposed image, at first unconsciously, then is more and more conscious. It irritates parents, they do attempts to correct a situation and eventually feel disappointment, pain, cooling to the child further only suffer it in the house. To teenage age if not earlier, such situation leads to an open protest. The child begins to counteract and look for the way actively... If the family does not manage to have and accept the teenager it what he is actually, it can quite lead to disintegration of a family.Needs to understand and accept - to replace with
one child to others under no circumstances similarities and application of forces it is impossible .Sometimes it seems to
that adoption is a way to switch and quicker to forget about the happened loss. Especially if to take the child who needs the strengthened care and to put in him all forces and thoughts. The family hopes that behind efforts pain will quicker cease, cares will force out memoirs, will help to endure a difficult period.
Favourite and hard work, the help near and far really help to endure trouble and to cope with a grief, but adoption in such situation something other, it not always has the same result and can become one more problem. And that is why. From any work it is possible to distract, throw, to switch to another, to stay alone with itself, with the grief, to take a break or, having convinced that this work does not help, to undertake another. At adoption it is not possible to forget a grief, in - the first, because as we already spoke, the child the fact of existence reminds of the incident. And in - the second, the adopted kid really demands applications of forces and considerable household efforts which, besides big concentration, also are continuous, monotonous and finally can lead to a nervous breakdown easily. During experience of a grief the person not only needs communication and derivation, but also a periodic opportunity to move away from the world, friends and relatives and to stay alone with itself, in silence and tranquility. At adoption of it it is impossible to make - the child (especially at first) requires continuous attention and care, and, above all, he often too bears in himself a part of a grief - own. > it is difficult to p to provide to
leaving and to instill tranquility and confidence in the child, being itself in a condition of a stress and experience. The children who even yet are not speaking thinly feel the attitude towards themselves, a state and mood of adults. Very often they take “adult“ problems personally. For example, children perceive divorce of parents as divorce with them, (one boy told that divorce is a “funeral of a family“), feel in it the guilt and take the events extremely hard.
the Mourning atmosphere of the house creates a heavy emotional background, and this bad help for grinding in of a family to the new member. To the child, as a rule, having the emotional problems, during this period the kind quiet family, the relaxed, patient and benevolent parents is important. Unfortunately, two connected troubles as a result do not give happiness but only increase a grief.
Alas, it is impossible to give happiness to other person if it is unfortunate.
the Strengthened perception of others pain and desire to help the orphan. Happens and so that having appeared before loneliness and feeling lost important part of the life, aspirations and hopes, people suddenly find and especially sharply feel that in the world there are children with the problem which is specularly reflecting their own - they have no parents. Natural it seems to help such child, having accepted him in the family and by that to solve each other problems. Most often such rush arises at the parents who lost rather adult child.though this movement of soul not only is logical and noble
I, but also there are difficulties. The desire should not help to rely on emotions and especially on such feeling as pity.
Pity as well as many other feelings, is extremely short-lived, and it is dangerous to build a family on its basis. It is possible to be sorry day, week, month and even year, but sooner or later it passes, and the child remains. How to be farther if besides pity was not or there was no sincere relationship? Besides pity assumes from the child reciprocal feeling - gratitude. However many children who grew up in establishments and not seeing the normal family relations of support still should study such feeling, and here pity manifestation by it well familiarly and usually causes in them rejection or attempt to exploit “zhalelshchik“. They quickly understand that they can manipulate it and thus try to obtain the - attention, toys, money - it develops a dependence, but not respect and gratitude for the parents caught on a pity hook in any way.
Sometimes, adoptive parents just sacrifice themselves to the child. Sacrifice assumes return of all forces and opportunities to the detriment of itself and probably other family members and though at the beginning it helps the child, but then leads to huge disappointments and family tragedies. The children who grew up in sacrificial families or adopt lifestyle of the parent (more often it occurs in incomplete families) and then become the victims, outsiders (and what parent wants to wish such destiny to own child?) or to teenage age there is the return - the child, having convinced that parents refuse to themselves to please to it, as they say, mounts upon a neck and turns into the consumer and the exploiter. And the parent appears in a situation when it is forced to complain: “I enclosed in it everything, gave soul, offered career, that is this, and it, ungrateful...“ .are destructive
of Attempt to build the long-term relations on pity or self-sacrifice, often they are the reason of the conflicts in a family at teenage age and the subsequent cancellations of adoptions. The real help to the child is possible only through friendly sympathy, a combination of interests of all family members, but not through sacrifice and the more so pity.
Besides the listed options, it is important to one more general extreme to avoid - there is a style of the attitude of the parent towards the child, the called “the replacing child“. It is not specific on the attitude only towards adopted children, and extends to any child (reception or blood) who appeared in a family after death or a growing and leaving in life, separate accommodation of the son / daughter after divorce and other similar situations.“ The replacing child“, on unconscious or conscious expectation of parents, has to succeed not only for himself, but also “for that guy“. Direct to such children too many efforts, love them for two, expect much from them and demand. And, strangely enough, most often such love does not do well them. For children it is too heavy freight, especially if the child feels overvaluation of requirements, but does not know the reasons. The same can happen also to the adopted child who starts in obviously losing situation, but is obliged to live well life and to satisfy expectations of parents for two.
As you can see, everything is very not simple. Most of experts is inclined to carry a situation with adoption after loss to the most hard cases with the pessimistic forecast. However it is represented to us that successful adoption is possible, though demands much longer terms of expectation and psychological preparation. Perhaps, it is necessary to make some concessions in the intentions and to take the child of other, than it was planned earlier.
Adoption - process in itself labor-consuming, often morally heavy, especially if presents with a choice what child to take. In a situation when acts emotions, than reason direct more, it is possible to make easily a mistake and to take the child whom to lift the adoptive father not in forces. Not to appear in captivity of the problems considered by us and to try to become a happy family, first of all, it is not necessary to hurry. Nothing good becomes hastily! It is possible to avoid mistakes only having dared to have the incident, having soberly and honestly estimated the messages and forces, having well prepared for a new stage of life.Telling
about adoption, we meant any forms of reception of the child in a family. Everything told truly both for guardianship, and for patronage, and for a foster home.
- you do not hurry, give yourself time to endure awful loss, to cope with it. Not for nothing in tradition of many people long terms of mourning are established, they correspond to phases of experience of a grief. And though experience time variously for everyone, the minimum term after which it is possible to accept is comprehended the serious decision, - not less than a year, and anyway such after which you will be able to speak about an event quietly.
- First of all think what actually moves you. Perhaps, for the answer to this question it is worth having a talk with the psychologist or to talk frankly to someone from relatives.
- will not prevent to consult with the psychologist, to talk to skilled adoptive parents, to discuss the intentions at the Adopted child conference - there sensible and kind recommendations often express, and at an opportunity it is worth being trained at School for foster parents, to get experience of communication with the children who are brought up in establishments.
- Having made the decision on acceptance of the child in the family, check whether not too press on you emotions at a meeting with children, whether you can carry out the sober choice, without choking with tears and without falling into despair. If it is impossible, take a break, probably, it is necessary to wait still. by
- Choose the child not similar to own; optimum, if it is other age and surely other floor. If it is impossible or it is extremely inconvenient, consider an opportunity to accept the child is more senior. Try that the age difference accepted with age yours was considerable and reminded of an event as little as possible. If the child is more senior, it will give less reasons for comparison, you cannot know what would be your child at this age. Sometimes, perhaps, correct will be to take the child is much younger. It is less requirements to small children, so, and reasons for comparison will be less too.
- Under no circumstances do not compare the adopted child to that who was lost. do not wait for
- from the child that it will be same or will be able to repeat his way, - it will be another! Even brothers - sisters, twins often are in many respects not similar at each other on behavior, character, abilities. Surely tell
- to the adopted son / daughter about your child which did not become. As well as any secret from relatives, such secret is destructive for a family and first of all for the relations with the child. It is possible and is necessary to speak about the grief, however only when you feel that you will manage to do it without anguish. The child can see your grief, and it is normal, but you should not demand from him manifestation of the same feelings, he did not even know the lost child.
how difficult happens in such situation to wait and even to listen to the council offering expectation, but life is ruthless - the risk is in a hurry too big to do from one grief two - for itself and for the adopted child.
Time - the best doctor.It is necessary not only to understand
mind, but also to experience that different children are different destinies, and adoption - not continuation and not compensation of what was, and just another, in own way valuable and independent life.Most precisely, in our opinion, Valentin Katayev expressed sincere readiness for adoption and perception of the adopted child to
in the novel “Son of a Regiment“:
- And you know, Vasily Ivanovich, - the captain Enakiyev suddenly told, it is inquisitive looking at Kovalyov eyes, having become childly trustful, - I it think to adopt. How it seems to you?
- the Standing business, Dmitry Petrovich, - immediately told the tipper-of as though he expected this question.
- the Person I, eventually, lonely. I have no family. There was a little son, the fourth year... You know?
Kovalyov strictly inclined the head. He knew. He was the only person on the battery who knew. The captain Enakiyev kept silent, looking the blinked eyes before himself, as if considering in the distance the little boy in a blue sailor`s hat to whom seven years had to be executed now.- to Replace
- it to me it, of course, will not replace that that to interpret it, - he told, having deeply sighed and not trying to hide this sigh from Kovalyov, - but... but happens, Vasily Ivanovich, and two sons? Right?