Management of anger of
Which of us did not witness, and often and the participant of a scene when the kid in response to the word “is impossible“ burst in a rough hysterics? A show, we will tell directly, not from pleasant. Sooner or later the vast majority of parents faces this problem. How competently to resist to impacts of the little tyrant and to teach him to react adequately to the word “no“, to know at the expert better. Before you chapter of the book of the psychotherapist, the consultant for questions of psychology of a family Madlena Sanchuk preparing for the publication - Rozenblyum.Ning`s
, mother 2 - summer Igor, met me by a flow of complaints. Instead of acquaintance she demanded the immediate expert opinion concerning attacks of her son, insisted that I immediately made to the kid the diagnosis and right there wrote out magic medicine.
“It at first happened only at home, and now and on the street, in shop, in park. Once I tell “no“ or it “is impossible“ as Igorek rolls up a terrible hysterics: falls on a floor, knocks legs, shouts, fights the head about walls, about a floor, about asphalt! If you see how it is terrible! Igorek awfully suffers! What attacks are? Spasms? Or epilepsy?“
On my question as she behaves during these “attacks“, Nina shared all arsenal of means which she used. It is necessary to pay it tribute - Nina was active and persistent mother. At first demanded to stop hysterics. When it did not help, began to raise the voice and to shame Igor. Few times splashed. Any effect, the condition of the child worsened. She took it on hands, caressed, consoled - deterioration only progressed. Hysterics became more and more long and frightening. The husband began to reproach Nina that she brought the child to attacks. Life turned into hell. However, parents learned to prevent the conflicts, obligingly guessing all whims of Igork.
“Houses still all right, it is possible to smooth a situation, and here on the street or in shop it is simply uncontrollable“.
Ya assured Nina that rows which are made by her son, - a normal stage of growth. The baby shouts - and we allow it to eat. The Preverbalny child (that is the kid who did not begin to speak yet) also expresses the requirements shout. The child becomes more senior, the richer him the emotional world, the is more at it than interest in surrounding. His requirements grow before the eyes. How to express desires which are presented to it essential and execution of which is business of the paramount importance? Its experience prompts that it is necessary to use the tested weapon - shout, and it is necessary to demand very firmly, to cry very bitterly, to shout very long - and it by all means will bear desirable fruits.Imagine
: if you within twenty minutes loudly row to the chief, then he for certain will raise wages from two dollars an hour to hundred for the same hour of work. Most likely, you will seize this unique opportunity. What does your child differ from you in? He is a good fellow, learned to survive in the world of adults and to manipulate them.
the First task - to impart to the child since childhood the concept of “the postponed pleasure“. The hungry child cannot wait - he shouts for hunger. Comment on the preparations for a meal, help a crumb to understand from first months of life that it takes some time.“ Now, my good. It is necessary to wait. Mother already bears a small bottle“. Nobody urges you to prolong expectation of the hungry child purposely! Any mother is attentive to needs of the kid, but it is necessary to accustom him to expectation. Animated film? By all means. But not now. Already it is time to sleep, and after a day dream we will look about the Cheburashka. To walk? Of course, we will go, but later, after an afternoon snack.If your child insists
on viewing of the animated film this second, I recommend to repeat quietly that now not time for this purpose (“I see that to you it is very important, but now we cannot watch an animated cartoon, he went to sleep too. You will get up - then we will look“) - and to close a subject. Do not try to bring to reason.
the Small child does not perceive long notations. If he continues to be nervous or shout - try to switch its attention to something pleasant or interesting:“ And who there behind a window? Doggie. Where the doggie goes? The doggie goes to sleep. Igorek goes to sleep too. Good-bye, doggie“. With these words take Igork on hands and bear to a bed. Suggest to tell it the fairy tale or to sing a song. But if he falls on a floor and begins to shout, it is necessary to sympathize only shortly:“ I see that you are upset. I am sorry. As soon as you calm down, mother you will put to bed“. And to leave a scene.
the Children`s hysterics will stop as soon as the child understands that there are no sympathizers and the empathizing accomplices of his drama within reach. At the beginning it will use all types of weapon: plaintive groan, loud crying, hysterical shout. He will experiment with sound intensity, scene duration, intensity... It scoops force and energy on continuation of hysterics from any manifestation of your concern in its occasion: a restless eye, attempt to calm it, a hail or even a slap. Any your response - fuel for continuation of a scene.
do not call a hysterics “attacks“. There is nothing rare or dangerous in his behavior. I do not argue, your child unique and special, however the majority of its tricks and tricks - a commonplace. And time so, and you should not dramatize. When the child tortures you heart-rending cries, time hangs heavy. Write down date, time of the beginning of a hysterics and go about the own business. Wash the dishes, esteem, favourite verses - anything that will help you to calm down... Do not forget to note time of the termination of a hysterics. Do not push away the child if he came for a consolation. Praise it for the fact that he tries to calm down. Most likely, it with gratitude will nestle to you, and its sobbing will mean readiness of reconciliation. Do not come back to a scene into which it went, - distract its attention. If it was before going to bed, lay it in a bed. Feed if it was before food. Play if according to the schedule it is full and has to be awake.
Under no circumstances do not try to stop a hysterics, having been given on its shouts. Both of you will lose! The child, having received the desirable, has mixed feelings. The first - triumph of the winner: it overcame a giant! Another - confusion: it struck a giant, it is the most all-powerful. Then who will protect it if is stronger than it nobody is not present? The third, main conclusion, consists that if to shout even longer and even more loudly then it by all means will force seniors to follow his tastes.
Every time when your child rolls up a hysterics, arrive the same as for the first time. Respond the sympathetic phrase:“ I see that you are offended. As soon as you calm down, we will talk“. Leave theater of military operations. Again write down date, time of the beginning and the termination of an episode. Be not frightened if in the first days of a hysterics become frequent. Just the child did not understand yet that you decided to change methods of education and refused to accompany it in its performance. It will become better to prepare for attack, to use more and more drama effects. Be respectful to its attempts - in mind note the new courses, estimate an ingenuity. But do not show it the insight and do not comment aloud on his grimaces, gestures or actions.
do not laugh at trouble of the child. Its trouble seems to you real nonsense, but his chagrin is sincere. Children badly transfer sneers - become angry, embarrass, lost. If to laugh at them in each occasion, they will cease to trust in the forces, will become embittered.
do not imitate the child, especially when he is afflicted. It will cause powerless rage, feeling of helplessness and will knock down his respect for itself.
you do not shout at it, thereby you recognize correctness of its method. Who will more loudly shout - that and is right. Your task - to teach him to cope with rage, anger and irritation, without losing advantage.do not pay off with
from the offended child. The candy or a toy will not replace original sympathy, but will teach to take benefit from pain and offense. Children will begin to speculate with the sorrows, to feign pain.
do not argue at the kid. “It you brought it to a hysterics the bans!“ The child has to know that he will not manage to seed contention between adults - so to it will grow more simply and more quietly, and - it is more pleasant and simpler to you to cope with inevitable problems of growth.
If the child learned to roll up hysterics, do not even try to find out where he was taken bad manners and whose fault in volume. Just your child is in that growth phase when his negative feelings do not find a way out in the words and other social signs beseeming a case yet.
to All family members should sit down at one big negotiating table and to sign the contract. Everyone undertakes to conform to the simple rules: to feel sympathy concerning the felt grief, to promise friendship as soon as the child calms down, and with firmness to ignore a hysterics. If you are not able to look how the child beats the head and legs about a floor, quietly approach him, spread a blanket and depart. The confusion, alarm, chagrin, anger, irritation, impatience - all feelings raging in your breast should be hidden reliably from the child. Get it together, calm down and go about the own business.the Main task of mother - to find
allies in all who share with it obligations for care of the child. In total to one have to follow the same simple rules and the principles. Even if in your camp there are “enemies“ not concordant with your views, too not everything is lost. It will be much more difficult if the kid behaves as a chameleon (And it is right! The healthy child is obliged to be flexible and to adapt quickly to circumstances!) - to be a good child in the presence of the one who follows the strict rules, and a fiend in the presence of those whom he learned to walk all over.
If to all of you managed to agree and put the plan into practice, your records (by all means continue to conduct them together!) will show that in several days the curve of “attacks“ will spread down. They will become more rare, shorter, much less intensive. But once you give up at least once - everything should be started anew. At observance of simple rules, most likely, hysterics will stop through two - three months. You will forget about them. Also the child will forget. And if remembers, you already know how to fight against it.