Chastity, farewell! Or darling, hi!Letter second
… You know, I am not afraid to tell or write something silly any more and not original as was afraid of it earlier. To be not such as all … To be original, elegantly mad or even shockingly pervertny … But to be at any cost! Here that is necessary for the majority. Here what is wanted also by those who play writers.
The majority of us, especially yet not old people, seek to be original, not it as the others, without understanding that eternal and true values, are just very banal. As rising and sunset. As a storm at the sea or a sudden May thunder-storm. As love between the man and the woman. There is nothing than it “is more banal“. And in too time you do not cease to be surprised to greatness of the nature and love … you Remember
how we got acquainted? We got acquainted is very banal. Not on the magnificent yacht which because of shortage of oysters or it is gentle - pink “Perenyak“ of the 85th year of flood I was forced to send to still waters of the French Cote d’azure where uvidat you coming to the coast from sea foam. Not in the wild impassable jungle of Amazon where having cut a saber-toothed jaguar, I rescued you. Not in penthouses of New - York or not on ruins of Rome.
Though is not present, the fact that you called me the first was original already (however, it is not a reason for mutual complacency: the man to whom the woman for the purpose of acquaintance calls looks not really that courageously, also as well as the woman such initiative not to the person, isn`t that so? Of course, in view of that it were not svobodonravny 2000 - ye).
Though I considered myself as quite interesting young man, with girls I was that is called not lucky. Now, on pro-procession of some time, I understand that my gravity and a jabber disturbed. If pertinently to apply the poetic line “Do Not Give Also a Kiss without Love …“ to the man, then I was that man. Very unmodern, even for the unmodern time. To meet the girl to whom you do not feel anything, except a sexual inclination? Nothing except that your man`s vanity is enough fact that now some cute little fool will cavort to you in a bed? Went … not for me … farewell, madam …
And spent, with the gravity and a jabber, in maids up to twenty years. (The twenty-year-old virgin - here so “original“!) . Very extraordinary, isn`t it? While my peers slept with the second, fifth or tenth girl, calling all this, vulgarly guffawing, “love“, “relations“ or just “sex“, and in colourful details, without feeling sorry for the imagination, told about the love affairs, I all was in search of that which would awaken my heart, and not just my machismo.
I remember how, uvidav the divorced mother with the man whom she met I, in a tuft of unclear feelings, from everything to a move cut on a glass door of the room. Glass scattered a fan, having cut me a hand to a bone. Blood whipped the fountain, painting half of the room a hot crimson dye, and I stood, having stupidly stared at business of the hands. Intoxicating, covering with the head as a storm wave, the rage and feeling of inferiority at the same time, a volcano bubbled in me. Overflowed, filling in with mad hormones the last remains of reason.
In a week, having resolved that my sublime chastity to nobody on hkhkh is necessary, even for me, and having said two hundred times in hearing that this world - full shit, I removed in the neighboring house the most terrible prostitute for five dollars and in the same evening, on a bed of the mother, with hatred forever killed the innocence.
What I tested? Disgust. Feeling of disgust from feeling that you put on weight of the unloved unfamiliar woman who anything, except hostility does not cause in you. At that moment I felt much worse than that the prostitute who agreed to oversleep with me for five dollars.
Perhaps physical pleasure which felt, masturbating under a blanket or in front of the mirror that though somehow to reconcile with that disgusting reality for which only and it was necessary what to drop me in the dirt? At all not. I long could not achieve an erection and when, at last, it was ready, asked to lay down it on a stomach that she did not see hated me. I entered it behind and after everything ended, and I laid down on a back to recover the breath, I mentally removed chastity from the list of the false virtues. Having closed eyes, I presented how the strong hairy hand a fat red pencil sharply deletes the pathetic “chastity“ written by small small letters. One complex it is less - good riddance.
On the first appointment we missed each other. Did not find each other. I knew the house in which you lived, and, without having found you on the meeting place, hurried there. Standing on the opposite side of the street, and without hoping to find you any more, I suddenly saw you. You looked so unfortunately that I right there began to hate myself for the fact that it was insufficiently attentive rather agreed place. I presented what thoughts rushed at you in the head: “Deceived“, “Lay“, “It was not pleasant, and to tell was afraid“. Disappointment. Treachery. Lie.
This picture almost only of those early times of our acquaintance which forever distinctly was stamped on my memory. I, under kroner of April maples, with fragile heart, waiting and any more not hoping. And you who is slowly going on other party in a yellow reflection of lamps, having hung the head, disappointedly you go home that at night to think of why it did not come.
I rushed to you towards, saw what pleasure your eyes flashed as you took a step forward to fall to me arms, but, having come round, receded back. “You nevertheless came! What happiness! As I am glad!“ - your heart shouted to me. “I am a silly insensible block! Forgive me if you can! As I am glad you to see!“ - mine shouted to you. We joined hands and slowly went on the sleepy avenue, and maples rustled to us with leaves on April wind as if clapped … to
Now, love, or what it is accepted to call this word, many call a trite sentimentality, deride and mock at it. As a rule, it is far fairly clever educated people. Thinking. Arguing. As a rule, it is people of new generation. “Advanced“ as they speak about themselves. Hardly removed from those, naive Soviet period in which there was no sex, in times where sex in all forms and shapes - though choke. Such hesitate less, saying “sex“, than “love“ is more often. In purity they see dirt. In naivety - nonsense. In sincerity - lie. I know. I am such. All of us - as grown plump and grown bald Adama with Evami, tasted forbidden apple from the Tree of knowledge. All understood, got into everything, understood everything. The understanding is. And there is no happiness. There is no harmony. There is no pleasure. Only disappointment and rage. Because cynicism - a sign of our time. And the price - to all.
I tell it not with condemnation and without indignation. Just I state. I too one of them …