Firewood ofIf told me that bananas in the Republic of Ecuador are national property and they can be got only after you get for that the special permission given by local rural committee on the place of a registration, I would not believe for anything. As there is a lot of bananas in Ecuador and the more so there is a lot of them for ekvadorianets. If declared to me that a sugar cane in Cuba, and coffee in Mexico - objects of strategic appointment and to their purchase needs to secure with what we is very transparent we call the foggy German word “protection“, I would show to such storyteller a fig in a pocket. And even two. But here, the fact that in somebody a corner of our once immense homeland, firewood probably is both national property, and strategic raw materials on which acquisition both the registration, and the reference from the Village Council in the place of a registration is required and protection - I was not ready. In any case “it is not ready“! I just again am close to very long paroxysm of my favourite misanthropy from which it is harder and harder for me to pull out himself for hair as once it was done by the liar baron Myunkhgauzen.
And though history very banal - also let it will not seem to dear reader simple grumbling zakushavshegosya mister whom do not feed with fat - let`s grumble a little - history very topical as to your obedient story-teller threatens to remain in a cold hut in the middle of winter. And everything is simple because though it and has enough a security (language somehow does not turn to call this the word “money“) on payment of wood fuel, but all procedure of acquisition of this valuable material (from it what, is built by space shuttles or the Baltic aircraft carriers?) it is so confused and bureaucratical that it is simpler to throw all this confusion to the yadrena the hair dryer and to go to be heated to Africa.
The summary of this modern comedy with elements of the antique tragedy (obscene great and mighty where it turned out, it is lowered):
Friday. 13:00. Learned in help number of the next to me of a leskhozzag. Called. It is busy. Again called. Again it is busy. At 15:00 phoned. Explained to me that it “not mine“ leskhozzag and that it is necessary to ring “the“ leskhozzag. At 16:00 learned phone of “the“ leskhozzag. My question “Whether It Is Possible to Buy from You Firewood“ I was answered “It is possible, but not sawn and without delivery“. On what I as it is possible answered “To me sawn are necessary and it is obligatory with delivery“. What I was answered “We can help with nothing“. That is it is necessary to look for the car, and then still to saw on packs and to cut for firewood. I know what is it and therefore I have no big desire and time to buy the whole trees, and then to clean them. And where to look for the car - I do not know too. Here such I unadapted to this severe life. (Here I shed an avaricious man`s tear). At 16:30 I chuck in from all force firewood and I go home to dopalivat the rest of my vivifying fuel.
On Saturday I learn from the neigbour whom the other day brought the whole car of sawn firewood where and after what she took them. The neigbour, terribly grimacing, in a whisper hints (as if on the lop-sided column near her hut surely there have to be ten - another of “bugs“ and, at least, two - three disguised video cameras): “The son-in-law helped“. “And how many paid that, the hostess?“. Again grimacing as if to it cramped a jaw: “Yes at you that so will not turn out“. “But nevertheless. And where to find such protection that also I was made happy?“ - horror as I am interested. The grandma gives number, being confused as the maid at a wattle fence under the moon. The figure inspires.
Monday. 10:00. In help I learn number of other leskhozzag. I call there and compassionately I ask to help with firewood. Firewood is sawn, but without delivery - it is necessary to look for the car. Already best of all. Much better. Only where to find it, the car? That that from two tens neon boards “Delivery of firewood in any point. Every tenth trip - free of charge“ along the road on which I go every day home I cannot choose necessary to me in any way. Pale they some, perhaps?
Monday. 12:00. Advise me to address in Gortop. Who this companion Gortop - I do not know, but his name is pleasant to me. I learn Gortop`s number, I call there. “Please - the tender maiden voice &ndash answers me; the car will cost you all in …“. Not, not the rights Alexander Sergeyevich existed, happiness, nevertheless, is. And not just rest and will. And companion Gortop manages happiness. “And firewood chopped“ - a spring streamlet the maiden voice flows. Ah, chopped. “And with delivery“ - sings a voice. With delivery. “And it is cheap“ - I, seemingly, in paradise, but not in severe market reality. And what girl pleasant. “When it is possible to arrive to you?“. “Then - that - also call the address - only take the passport with yourself. “And passport, what for?“. “As, what for? That a registration it was visible“. What, on figs, my registration has the general with firewood? “And what you are firewood - only on a registration?“. “And as!“ - the maiden voice sounds as woman`s thumped. “And I am registered there - and there - …“. “Then it is not necessary to you. Address in the place of a registration“. “Listen, but I do not live there. I live …“. “What difference where I live? Why I have to be attached to the place of a registration? If I am registered in the village Pupkovichi where three yards and ten old men, I what, has to there both work and be treated, and itself to write out firewood? And if there crude firewood, and I want dry? And if there not to get firewood at all? And if there only a cowshed with three cows, and I on educations the philologist - the linguist, me what, to train cows in languages? And with the hernia to the veterinarian to go to reception?“. Shorter the old woman - the misanthropy began to cajole me again, and I horror as wanted to bite somebody. Painfully - it is sick. I send to
With absolutely nasty mood all in …., e - e - e, in a bath, I flop for the computer and furiously I click a poor mouse as if I press on an automatic machine trigger. Involuntarily it is also banal companion Bender in “A gold calf“ with one million in the middle of Asian barkhans is remembered. Money a great lot, and nothing on them you will buy. Because not selling we, tovarisch! And even to wipe these bank notes, companion Bender, not comfortably. Oh, as uncomfortablly! Anything they do not suit for.
Tuesday. 11:00. Hardly I force myself to call the Village Council in the place of a registration again. “We cannot give an extract on receiving firewood to you. You are registered in the house without oven heating“ - tells the automatic machine on that end of a wire. “. lyad! But I live in the house with oven heating that!“. I ring help again, I find through one - another - the third some number of some driver, I call him. Drove promises to think. About - about - about! He will think still! The man, I pay you money for delivery of devil`s firewood! Also I do not bargain! And you promise to think and can be to call back?! Man, you mudak! Who told that we will well live? Who in general gave a hint that we somewhere there near healthy capitalism?! No, I brought up in the spirit of the backward Turkmen marketing intercourses at a vague dawn of disintegration of the Great Scoop, understand that to me still to regress and regress to grow to the level of a soobrazhalka of these sharks of capitalism!
I never thought that in the territory where about 80% of lands - the woods where a half of the population is still warmed, as well as their grandfathers and great-grandfathers, firewood and where you by fair means as the law-abiding citizen paying astronomical taxes, you want to buy not for resale or illegal processing, and for own heating, the car of firewood, it is necessary to exercise the wit, collect some idiotic and humiliating your human dignity references under the name “I Am Not a Camel“, to look for protection and to prove elementary for the five-year-old child: “I need so and so. And I want to know where for lawful remuneration, I can receive it“.
of PS I Dare to dream up one for the road: if in any country - no matter civilized it or economically developed - at a half of the population is on something demand, then under laws of applied economy there has to be an offer. Well, it was just like that moved from Tutankhamun. Demand gives rise to the offer as the generous earth gives rise to bread.
Also I dare to assume that under laws applied - very applied - economies if there are a demand and, therefore, the offer, then there has to be also a competition. Choice. Here is cheaper. And here discounts. And here with delivery. And here with bonuses. And here, and here, and here … I will Also dare to assume
that if in any country there is a prosperity of any resource - not very well, natural, scientific, human - that, this country can and has to use this resource for receiving profit, but not due to shortage of this resource for needs of the country. That is, on roads of the country exporting oil to all corners of the world, people should not go by donkeys.
But the world not without kind people. So left also in my case. One my acquaintance living in the same area where I rent the house, probably for humane reasons borrowed me the passport that I could write out firewood on her name, and receive to the address. Firewood already sawn and chopped, with delivery and it is inexpensive.
Having rejoiced, on Tuesday on morning, having asked for leave at work and having armed with the passport of the citizen …, I went to Gortop, the only establishment in the city where the citizen with existence of a registration at the place of residence and oven heating in the house in which lives under the constitution has the right to scarce strategically important raw materials under the name “firewood“.
Having not for long strayed on frozen streets, I found unsightly one-storeyed to a zdanyitsa, entered inside, shortly got acquainted with myriad of any resolutions, notices and announcements on his walls, and as informed one of them under the name “Fuel Extract Order to the Population“, went to sales department where uvidat the middle-aged lady with Pisa on the head, in a shabby quilted jacket, something discontentedly writing with a ball pen on some beautiful and, for certain, to very important paper, and the sogbleny man who sat before it, very clearly radiating obedient patience and servility.
Local sales departments and other departments too, any there Village Councils, mountains - both regional executive committees, and other, is, as a rule with rare exceptions, some kind of standing bogs through which suffocating miasmata, are obviously felt both zhabya arrogance, and tsaplyachya importance and on which doors it is safely possible to hang up bible “Give up hope vsyak entering“.
Having appeared in such place where all write something, knock on keyboards of computers, call by telephones, the person at first feels universal loneliness because though he also was to the address that to buy something, to receive or write out, nobody on it turns the slightest attention. Nobody invites him to sit down though all three chairs standing in an office are unoccupied. Nobody asks it “That you wanted?“. Nobody smiles to it. And though it came and brought in a pocket or on the cash card money which will remove from its pocket to pockets of all these inhospitable people, it for them, till, almost the enemy who is forcing them to work by the sweat of the brow, taking away from them time from scrolling of glamourous magazines, from tea drinking and phone conversations later.
“Sorry, where I can acquire firewood?“ - by a loud voice as on a Communist Party meeting, I took an interest. For the passed nearly four years in this separated corner of European civilization where I had to solve all the problems, I managed to develop something like own tactics of behavior with local heads of a desk and bureaucrats. As showed my previous experience, an intellectual baby talk to which, because of education, I long time was inclined, they did not understand, and in reply were only rude and were rude. Silently, in a pose of the sacrificial innocent person to expect them expensive attention, and then with fussy haste to snatch on everyone them the let fall word as if the thirsty miser on inadvertently someone or misunderstood the scattered gold particles, having sense of guilt from the fact that I did not understand something, because of heightened sense of own advantage, to me was terrible in scrap too. Neither the first, nor the second advanced me to the set high objects - and simply, to the solution of elementary objectives.
the Lady in a quilted jacket, without having made happy me with the light look, also diligently and slowly continued the epistolary study, and only the obedient and same shabby man before it, darted the shy interested glance at me.
At last, in a minute this queen Gortopa added the novel, lifted on me the eyes are clear, and it is dissatisfied as if I already got on well at something before it to be guilty or to run into debt something to it, took an interest:
- You will separately take firewood or with a briquette?
- I need only firewood - I not absolutely understood a question.
- I ask, you will take firewood separately or together with a briquette?
- And I answer you, I need only firewood - in its tone, I answered. How many it cubes or meters will be?
- Four - already more peaceful tone this room gorgona proshamkat, and the shabby man before it with even great interest looked at me again. The eyes covered by its frequent use of low-quality alcohol were mown in my party with easy delight of the person whose trampled honor could be shortly rehabilitated.
- Give the passport - without looking at me, on syllables the lady said.
- Here, please. Only not my passport and me it is necessary that firewood delivered to other address.
The queen Gortopa watches at me as on the madman though my neigbour assured
me that so becomes, and they do not care where firewood will be delivered.
Finally we agree, the lady in a quilted jacket draws me the check - a scrap of a piece of paper with a scribble, and I go to cash desk to pay “Firewood sawn, chopped, 4 cubic meters“.
In cash desk there is nobody. There was nobody still when I only came though operating time promises everyone to buy fuel that “The cash desk works from 8:30 till 16:00. On hours 9:10, but on that side of a tiny window there is nobody. I obediently become at a wall, I study a piece of paper - the check, then announcements on a wall. For me there is a woman.
The next office leaves the young-looking lady with standardly dissatisfied person - in such institutions the unwritten rule “Smile to Visitors, and in General to Smile, It Is Strictly Forbidden“ &ndash works; also goes to the next office. I hail it: “Sorry, do not prompt where the cashier?“. The woman silently comes back to a door which just left and, having slightly opened it, carelessly throws: “Evgenyevna, to you“.
More than ten minutes later, having knowingly exchanged glances with the woman that behind me, I understand that Evgenyevna does not hurry on the workplace, now I go to her - if the cashier does not go to the client, then the client goes to the cashier - east wisdom - and, having opened the door, loudly I say: “Evgenyevna, you will approach in cash desk?“.
Evgenyevna, the middle-aged young woman - in that party where I found a shelter, average age of the room worker - years 55 - 60 - percent of the working pensioners approximately same, as percent of university graduates - xerocopying some important piece of paper, gloomy, from - under points, looks at me as if she wants to wither with a look, and silently goes to the kassirsky alcove. It silently takes my check, something writes, something brings, then sets the seals, then writes again and also silently puts to me some important pieces of paper for the signature. I put the cross, I thank Evgenyevna, again I go to sale, I learn whether I can see the driver to explain how to it to me to reach, and the street at us and houses perekhrenachit that so that I could not understand, than they there, in the high offices, were guided and what now number at my house, I find the driver, I explain to him in detail how to reach, and already am going to hurry to myself for work as me catches up not silent, and it is excitedNye the cashier Evgenyevna also mutters something about incorrectly written out consignment notes: “It is necessary to you sawn and chopped, and I wrote out only sawn“.
We come back to cash desk, we are renewed, I pay extra couple of rubles, I am convinced that I all pieces of paper as it should be, and hurry on the bus. Though my heart exults, it nevertheless not on the place - I do not believe that confusion with consignment notes - the last stumbling block in this saga about firewood.
The working day goes off with a bang - at last that I wrote out to myself firewood! Home I go with a sinking heart, guessing about myself what there waits for me: can, firewood unloaded not there? Perhaps at all not to that address brought? Perhaps did not bring at all? I am ready to everything.
But, uvidav open gate, traces of protectors on snow and a dark hill in the distance, I with relief sigh: brought! The driver, actually, accurately unloaded all four cubes directly near the house, without having crushed currant bushes, without having touched a rope with linen. Directly expert! Can, rascals when want!
Having heated the furnace the brought firewood until red, I spend evening, drinking tea with chocolates, in the finest mood, in a dressing gown as some east caliph. But at nine o`clock, as if the siren, is distributed a call, and in a tube I hear an uneasy voice of the neigbour who generously borrowed me the passport:
- You to me torfobrikt ordered? - almost hysterical she shouts in a tube.
- No. I ordered only firewood. To myself - I answer, understanding that, here it, the last, biggest stumbling block which is ready to lay down to me both on shoulders, and on heart, and, maybe, to set on a head.
- To me brought torfobrikt! - fatefully the neigbour in a pipe groans.
- But I did not order. Told them in black and white. There are simpletons! - I do not maintain. - I paid only for firewood. At me and in the consignment note it is written so down. And peat costs absolutely other money. They from you took money?
- Yes I also did not see them. The heap of peat came home just, and here.
I begin to laugh loudly, clapping myself on knees. What should I do? These haughty pettifoggers confused everything! Brought unpaid peat moreover to the one who did not order it! God you mine! And with what mumpish ugly faces they wrote out all the important bumazhention! As of high society as if turkey-cocks on a manure heap, walked up and down, imitating importance of process, intensity of work, the importance! No, I just cannot!
No, I love people. And mizantropichen I am not always. Altruism in me, eventually, almost as much how many and egoism, and it is much less, than a misanthropy. I always help the blind grandmother, other neigbour, to pass through our brisk autobahn. I do not pass by fallen - be they are drunk or to them it became bad. I feed up a neighbour`s dog, and she, the dog, loves me more, than the hostess. I never refuse to anybody at work what request he to me would not handle. There is no person whom I would hate. There is no person at whom I would take offense. In a word, I am not the last rascal on this earth, the person - as all. Both it is sacred, and is guilty. But I have not enough to take down forces that nonsense in which I am almost every day forced to exist, beginning from a dash of madness at work and finishing all other debilizm and kretinizm with which everyday life teems!
Earlier, living in another, “far from a modern civilization“ to the country, I thought that any Kartsev and Zadornov invent everything, lie about our, Russian people. Well, they cannot, the Russian people from which every tenth Kulibin of local flood, and every fifteenth - with two higher educations, to be such durashlepa! They know the capital of Bangladesh, discuss the latest political news, know “as it is necessary“ and “as it is not necessary“. This is the Yankee stupid. It at them in the State of Arizona it is impossible to lick toads, and in the State of Texas to take a shower in a suit. And at us both that, and another is possible! They - stupid! These are Germans heartless and robotic. And the Russian people heart-felt and on robots not so similar! These are Finns - slightly whitish, since morning drunk. And Slavs are the handsome! And such clever! Clever that, clever, but why all at us somehow through … one place? As always.
How many I communicated with “stupid“ Americans, never heard that they cursed the “stupid“ laws, “stupid“ “kaunt departmenz“ and stupid sheriffs. From Irish and British it was necessary to hear that the Irish whisky - shit, and Big Ben is not so majestic as speak about it. But that they wore the parliament or the “public ofisiz“ - never. Germans abuse the soccer, Danes - deer on the carriageway, Norwegians - too narrow fjords, but none of them ever at my presence abused the authorities or the government. And many are even proud of them. Well, how it can be? Why they respect the stupid laws, and? Perhaps because stupid?