Birth of the second child: how to endure changes in a family of
Mother, the father, the child... The young family learned to live three together only recently, there were new relations, and it is already waited by the following stage of development: appearance of the second child. What advice spouses can give during this period how to make so that children strengthened a family, but did not separate parents? Elena Pavlovna Krechko, the family and perinatal psychologist tells.
Expectation of the second or third child raises a set of questions at future mothers. How children in a family will communicate - and suddenly there will be a jealousy? What will be with the matrimonial relations, at many acquaintances they change for the worse... Much remembers own childhood when parents, having returned from maternity hospital, suddenly showed the new brother or the little sister... Time of a picture of the future are drawn not by so positive paints! And if moving is planned for this period...
How “to stand“ during this period, difficult for all family members? Whether “We will cope?“ - this question is asked to themselves even by parents “with an experience“. But others also are behind it - connected with career, relationship, questions of household character and material... How not to lose all that was already reached at the previous stages of life of a family, and even to increase greatly reached?
Crisis - why it is necessary?
the Family is a big live organism where everything is interconnected. And how the system of a family functions, its wellbeing in general and each her member separately depends. There are two basic laws describing activity of any system. The first - the law of a homeostasis, that is aspiration to preservation of stability, constancy and tranquility. This law keeps system in balance and integrity until the time of changes and time of the crisis necessary for development of each family member and all system of a family in general comes.development and growth of a family Provides to
one more law - the law of development. Execution it considerably changes qualitative, and at times and quantitative characteristics of a family as systems. The concepts “transformation, transformation, transformation“ are suitable for the description of manifestation of this law - the flower turns into a fruit, the girl turns into the woman, the duet turns into a trio, then into a quartet and so on... Transformation is possible only by means of overcoming of crises of development, having passed which, the person is forced to adapt to others, than before, to living conditions.
our trouble that the transformation moment - crisis is quite often estimated as negative, painful, uncertain. The system in every way tries to hold former positions. All question in at the expense of what it occurs: due to emergence of pathological symptoms (for example, diseases, quarrels, jealousy, offenses and other negative emotions and feelings) or by expansion of opportunities, acquisition of new qualities. To follow by the second option of development, from all family members courage, determination, responsibility and knowledge is required!
So, at a meeting with crisis it is important to distinguish it, to see its positive sense and to correspond to it! Remember an attraction “roller coaster“. At first it is very terrible, we look narrowly and we observe how others ride them. Then we find in ourselves determination and we go on an attraction, and having swept, we remember with a set of positive emotions and self-confidence. And with crisis! It is important to pass consistently and attentively all stages of life cycle, not to hurry to run away from them even if they are filled with strong feelings and are endured as difficult, crisis.
On the first place - the child. And husband where?
Pregnancy is a peculiar provocation, check on endurance not only a female organism, but also the relations in a family in general. The dozing conflicts escalate, the intra family coalitions (relatives, grandmothers - grandfathers begin to be brought up) are more distinctly shown, the relations with the spouse, parents and children change.
Especially violently it occurs from the middle of pregnancy. The woman becomes more focused on the child, the man feels removed and thrown and can begin to be jealous of yet not been born kid. Further - more: the child is born and often the woman completely switches to him, forgetting not only own husband, but also herself. The man at first moves to other bed (matrimonial the woman with the child borrows now), then to other room (he needs to get up early and go to work, it is necessary to sleep better), and then? Where to it to move?
Behind it “good rejection“ violation matrimonial (including sexual) relationship often is. But even it nothing in comparison with that for whom it is taken now, telling: “Our father came“. Always there is a wish to ask again: “Whose father? Yours or child?“ The word “father“ assumes absolutely other relations in couple - absolutely “not matrimonial“, truly? And just such words and phrases which we turn to each other we build the family reality.
Call things by their proper names, and people especially. You can tell the child: “Your father came!“. Or having joyfully exclaimed: “Sasha (Ivan, Seryozha) came!“ Yes, yes, having called by name. You - that are with the spouse in the equal relations, he to you not the father!
If all of you decided to build up the close, confidential relations with the husband, then it is very important to begin with the most important - conversation. Conversation about you of two, that you feel what concerns you what you dream of and that it is important for you. If your spouse during any periods is not ready to such open conversation - important to respect its right for that style and tone of conversation for which it is ready at this moment.
the woman in itself
about words behind which the relations are covered. Often I hear from mothers bringing the kids into kindergarten: “We well ate today!“ or “We slept badly today“ - they say on behalf of themselves and the child. Wake such woman at night and ask her: “Who are you?“. “I am a mother!“ - she will answer with a tongue twister. And how other roles what do her life - harmonious and the relations in a family - happy? Roles of the woman? Wives? Darling? Interesting? To become mother - it does not mean to change the role, it means - to expand the opportunities. It is possible to be beautiful mother, remaining the beautiful wife and the woman.
In this situation happens it is useful to reconstruct hierarchy under the name “family“: the woman for themselves - the husband - the child and other children (if they are in a family). I assume that the man, reading these lines, will enough smile, and the woman will doubt: “How, child so far?“ Da! And that is why:
- Impulses from the father reach the child only through mother. It - information world carrier, it is also the whole world of the child!“ Fatherly“ function of the second parent for the child becomes important since three years when he for the first time leaves in society. the Child sees
- and perceives mother not in one role (only mother), and in different - the woman, the father`s wife, etc. It expands its range of perception of the world and mother in it.
- the Child on the example of parents acquires model of human relationship which it also will introduce then in the subsequent adulthood.
Acceptance of the woman of in a role not only mothers, but also wives demands efforts, a different view on family system, but always well affects further development of a family and wellbeing of children.