Adoption by mother`s eyes - the psychologist: how to find the child?
Adoption of children gradually stop being a taboo subject, and more and more people choose for themselves this way. How to find “the“ child? What the most difficult in current procedure of adoption and what parents can face, having already taken the kid home? About it we talked to young mother and the professional psychologist. Get acquainted: Elizabeth Blinova and her son Herman. The first year of the life Hera carried out in Children`s home, and soon year as it lives in a family - with mother, the grandmother and the grandfather.
- Lisa how your family, relatives, friends treated the decision to adopt the child?
- Parents first apprehended this news watchfully. The father and mother were afraid that one I will not pull, considered that it is necessary to have a strong male shoulder nearby that to lean on it. Tried to talk some sense into me... But gradually got used to this thought.
U me two younger brothers, at everyone the family, children are. Brothers told me: “Lizka, is your life, you to solve. We nearby, if that - always call“. And employees in kindergarten where I work as the psychologist, fully supported me (they often spoke to me: “Give, bring already the children, you will be good mother“.)
U me and the truth to children - the most tender feelings. I wanted children always. But before, that all this occurred a usual order - the husband, a family, the child, - events did not reach somehow. I am not inclined “to do as at people“ just because it is so accepted, contrary to the internal feelings. And gradually came to understanding that it is possible to go some other way. In total not really in this life kamenno - it is always possible to come from other entrance.the Dolce vita of the house
of I the Gerochka. Went to it, showed photos to the parents, then brought mother to Children`s home, acquainted... Mine the father and mother began to accept this fact: there is a specific child, and this child at us will live.
I there arrived to us our boy. The grandmother thawed at once. The grandfather a little bit posoprotivlyalsya, gave up then too. Generally, my parents in this business were involved. The boy at us unusual. Just extremely cool guy.
- He was always Herman?
- Yes, with this name he waited for me in Children`s home. I at first thought that it is necessary for me to change more conformable for something, and then read value... Value at a name shaking - with Latin is translated as native, consanguineous. Well as to change it?! Then it already belongs to the person, is given it by destiny. And it Herman remained. To me when it was shown in guardianship, I thought: what name! Now I am very glad that he is Herman, it very much approaches this name, and it is possible everyones tender derivative of it so much to think out...
I at us Gerchik, the wonderful kid, and here with mother, that is with me here appeared, some inexplicable things begin to occur... The child is nice, without problems with health, regime, obedient - well, just ideal. And I suddenly begin to oppose just physically to the fact that sometimes he behaves not as I want!
Here he, for example, goes obstinate... In kindergarten my wards children went obstinate - and everything was clear to me, children were as open books before me. And here the own child - and I as without hands, I do not know what to do, I do not understand myself, at some moments it is difficult for me to master myself. It seemed to me that with mine - that will be even simpler, and it turns out more difficult. I so much know, I have so many courses behind the back, such experience - and all this is useless. And I behave...
-... as the most ordinary mother at whom the child appeared quite recently.
- Yes. Only adaptation of mother and newborn to each other takes month, two, three. And this adaptation - ours with Hera - yet did not end though he with us lives already more than half a year. Therefore I now very strongly work on myself.
of the Shower children`s - it is such thin... The child, being in Children`s home, is in a condition of the strongest deprivation - that is his basic basic needs (in safety, in love, in acceptance, recognition, approval) are not satisfied. It is impossible to want the fact that it is impossible. There is no freedom in decision-making. Here everything is solved in advance: when it is necessary to eat when to sleep when to play. And most of all these children receive less warmth from communication and corporal contact. Here they have a full gap. Thereof such children, coming to a family, are afraid of touches of mother`s hands, they are not ready to receive heat and caress because they are not able to accept it. > if it is sharp to p to begin to show
I to the child at once that here she is a mother, here - to embrace, kiss - for it it will be the next trauma. Softness, gradualness, tactfulness and accuracy in establishing contact with the new family member is necessary! And we, to parents, alas, not always have keenness and patience to be careful. Here Herman began to give, voluntarily, to me a hand on the street quite recently. And so went in itself, could on
- Then turns out, as many own children do not have this communication with the mothers?
- I agree. But I am an extremist. I want as it is better. I understand how it is important: that we learned to feel each other at distance not only two meters, but also when mother comes to work, or the son will go to a garden or school. That he felt that it is necessary that it mine that it is not one. That it always will be now with mother. It has a huge, total feeling of loneliness. In Children`s home all in itself, cannot arise the most important there that arises in a family between the child and the adult - healthy attachment.to
Ya I am very glad that, preparing for adoption, went to School for foster parents. We were given a lot of useful information - but attachment per se was given literally several minutes for occupation. And it vitally - important communication. It forms at children who leave then in adulthood, self-sufficiency, confidence in the forces. They can establish strong reliable families, they are independent, they are successful - because that in their life there was mother. Because, that it gave them heat, care, tenderness, love.
But this love should manage to be felt. This the most important now for me and for Herman - creation of our family. Yes, legally we already family. And emotionally - only we go to each other. He is an unusual guy, I madly love it, but my own love has not enough, it is necessary that this love went beyond me that he plunged into it. I want to feel most insufficiently that also Hera felt. And then I will feel his love to myself. And there will be the second miracle - we will have the real family.
- the Household aspect of life with the small child was simpler?
- With it at all difficulties were not strong>. He is such cool guy. He sleeps on hours, very well eats, practically already goes to a pot (itself does not ask yet, but knows at what moments he will be put), washes hands, understands what is garbage. In general guy quick-witted. It so much already does!
It in the first month of life of the house reached all indicators of norm. We took it in August, and in one and a half months went to survey to the neurologist. And so, the child adopted tell, how at us with development? And in Children`s home I on hands was given a decent extract with recommendations - drugs, massages and other. The neurologist looked at Gerochka, told:“ Nothing is necessary, at it all are normal“.
he learned to go soon after a year, already when was at home. Now, in incomplete two years, speaks syllables and sings (in Children`s home in general was silent). Learns how what is called, and tries to reproduce it, it already has words.
- with the advent of Herman to you had to leave to work? How you plan to cope further?
work? How you plan to cope further?
- Till one and a half years of Herman I issued a maternity leave, it ended 3 months ago. All this time I received 40% of the official salary. Plus is some financial accumulation - so far I am able to afford not to work.
As for money - I not really exacting person in this sense. The child is not limited in anything, on him absolutely it is not necessary to save, on himself, generally, - too. We do not live in misery at all, everything is. Still I precisely know that money - not the main thing. There will be at us with it new requirements - also opportunities will appear. Everything, than he will be interested and fond, we will be able to afford. I think that everything to us will open how opened before. And to go by BMW of the last brand and I do not plan to have a rest in elite resorts. We are with it as - nibud without it we will be happy.
to Herman will be in the Summer two years old, and till this time I with it will precisely sit. To it it is important now that mother was near. So far I even try to leave the house only when he sleeps in the afternoon. I will act further proceeding from what at us will happen to it. Since September, maybe, I will leave part time back in a garden, there wait for me. In general I train him and myself that in 3 years it will go to a garden. But by this moment he has to know already precisely that it has mother. Not only the nobility but also to feel! >
- it was difficult to p to undergo adoption procedure?
- Probably, someone another on my place would tell that difficulties were everywhere. I had small difficulties interesting to me. The policlinic suddenly struck a pose and told that they will not issue the medical reference that now it becomes centrally. And I by that moment already passed all experts, I needed only the signature of the chief physician. I already despaired, thought that all ashes: to spend two more weeks for passing of the same experts in other place, the child waits, it is necessary to file a lawsuit documents... Just told: “Make, please. I will not go to other establishment. Please, do not break to me life!“ Did not begin to break.
Still moment: we have a court in the summer usually on holidays. Therefore we, in April having got acquainted with Herman, in June submitted the petition and only at the end of August took away it home. Just all this becomes at us... not really quickly. Though I will tell honestly: everywhere, where I came to receive some documents, I demanded was given and did it with a smile. Yes, system at us bureaucratic, but people work everywhere, and nobody specially put a spoke in the wheel of me.sincerely I tell to
Ya thanks to each employee who communicated with me: to all doctors, all experts in guardianship. I visited a lot of OPEC to that in which I found Hera, - people wonderful everywhere.
- Well, under the law it is possible. The only question on this subject to me was asked in Children`s home where I found Hera. They were interested in my relation to education of the child of one. Why one whether I will be able. Neither in one guardianship, nor in other Children`s homes to me these questions were not asked. And here, probably, felt that I will take away it.
Now I sometimes there come - to me pleasantly to communicate with these people. I feel, as they are respectful to me. They have no prejudiced relation: one, took the child...
of With the grandmother and the grandfather
In turn I very sincerely respect these people because... such guy presented to me! I am grateful to these people who within a year brought up it. The person was kept for mother... Now it was necessary only to reach it, to reach its heart.guardianship which showed me my boy I am ready to bow down to
A: - and to give such wonderful to me one. Took and presented. And could and not show its questionnaire.
- Searches were long? It was necessary to bypass a lot of OPEC because...
- Because I wanted to find the boy. I watched many children. Hera there was not first of those with whom I got acquainted. I went to Tver, to Orekhovo-Zuevo, in Moscow was several OPEC too...
All children wonderful. And if parents want to take the child - let go, there very much wait for them. Everywhere, where I was, - everywhere there were children. Will be enough for all who want. I believe that all of them will find the parents.
- What it means - to find the child?
- When I went to School for foster parents, all who taught there (and the majority of them adoptive parents), spoke: do not worry, you will take the person, the kid, the boy, the girl. You will feel heart. And I thought: of course, I will feel.
So far I still went to this school, I already watched any websites, looked for children - now much everything is hung out. But, as a rule, the one who is pleasant to you surely was already pleasant to someone to you. And calling concerning this child, you learn, something him was already taken away, or meet him, etc.
of With the grandfather and sisters
I even to obtaining the conclusion from guardianship, I as it seemed to me, found the boy. Already at night talked to it, called it “my sonny“, cried when watched his video passport... Having received the decision of guardianship, at once called Children`s home: I want to arrive to you.“ You know, already meet him, will make out in a family“, - answered me by phone.
As so? Same mine was a boy! He waited for me! And it is taken away now? A lie everything that we were told, even the child can be lost... A nightmare, life it is unfair. Month two I did not open any websites. But then got it together: the conclusion of guardianship only year really, it is possible to groan long, but then - that you will pester, collect documents again...Someone told
from doctors - the woman came, on handles took the kid:“ Everything, I will not give, wash it. I directly felt that wash it“. I thought: I too so want - to see and understand that wash it. But “mine“ appeared, only when it spread on my floor in the apartment. And before 4 months while we communicated with Herman in Children`s home, I constantly asked myself a question: you are sure that it is yours? And it is frequent when saw it, thought: very good boy, nice, wonderful - but what I with you will do?
Search of the child is a destiny. Someone prompted to me from above that it is necessary - to go all to court and to take the child home. And I am grateful to destiny and is grateful to this feeling from above. Now I do not doubt at all that everything was made correctly.