To win against cancer. 20 questions of fear, the reasons and treatment of
In March, 2012 on NTV TV channel there was a documentary of Katerina Gordeeva “To win against cancer“. The other day there was a book with the same name. It included all materials collected during the work on the movie: interview with the famous people who faced this illness, explanations of doctors, the analysis of a situation with a cancer therapy in our country and abroad. Through all book there passes Marina Pak`s history - the doctor who had to become the patient of oncologists. We bring to your attention a fragment from the book.
From Marina Pak`s diary
My name is Marina Pak. I am 53 years old. I am the chief physician - the psychiatrist of one of the territorial districts of Moscow. I have a multiple myeloma. I lie on 20 - m the floor of huge hospital and all the time I scroll the life back, trying as it is possible to define more precisely: when and what went not so what happened to me? Why? Sometimes it seems to me, all this a dream, troubles. It is necessary just to wipe eyes, to be stirred up. Also it will turn out that all - a lie. I to myself thought up it. It is necessary to wake up. But I wake up in the middle of night. I rub eyes. And in the head the same horror, despair and rage: why me? Why all this is with me? What I am guilty of? I look for this catch, this hook, this reference point again and again. It seems to me if I understand why it happened to me, then I will be able to improve or correct circumstances of the life. And everything will be good.
Couple of days ago I decided to begin to keep the diary. Sometimes I write. When there is no forces, I dictate, and the daughter writes down. So we kill time. It seems to me, it is an exit. So I will be able to find the answer, so I will be able to get to the bottom of the beginning. I for some reason believe that it will help.
the Psychiatrist by profession, that is the specialist in subtleties of human mentality, before the fear of the diagnosis - an incurable illness, fast and painful death - Marina was almost powerless. She began to keep the diary at peak of despair, in a non-return point. And it was the unique saving straw. As if unwinding life in two parties: back, to primary sources and the prime causes, and forward, in frightening uncertainty, - she tried to answer all those questions which, as a rule, and are asked to himself by the person who faced cancer. Answers to them mean an exit, prospect, rescue.will mobilize
But sometimes (and it is confirmed by a set of scientific works on an onkopsikhologiya) the fact of statement of questions, gives to the diseased of confidence that his case and is that as it is called by physicians the casuistic, improbable, but meaning favorable outcome. However, Marina began the diary with absolutely other spirit.
As well as all of us, the ordinary, clamped by superstitions and prejudices people, at it had an accurate conviction: such difficult and deadly illness cannot develop just like that. All this has to have a reason. There was a wish that this reason was external. From what can be called, comprehended and, it is desirable, to correct.
It is the general confidence of people: cancer comes for what on what that to occasions, from - for what that faults, even sin. Here twenty most often repeating questions which I wrote down in a notebook, trying to understand what concerns people in connection with cancer. And questions of the emotional, mystical and philosophical reasons - in leaders.
- Cancer is a punishment? For what? Why children suffer?
- If you have a cancer, it for hundred percent means that you will die?
- Cancer is hereditary? I will get sick with the same what my parents and grandmothers with grandfathers died of? whether
- the stress Can be the cause of cancer? If not to be nervous, then you will not get sick? whether
- the Truth that cancer is the illness programmed at the level of DNA? It means that the illness is put in our program and prevention does not exist?
- of Times it is infectious? It is given from the person to the person? whether
- Can save itself from cancer or everything is senseless? Will punch hour and if it is foreordained, the illness all the same will come?
- Why preventive cancer medicine does not exist? whether
- universal cancer medicine Is? Or it is hidden by pharmaceutical bosses to earn more money on our sufferings?
- Treatment for cancer: the chemotherapy, operations, transplantations - are always painful and force to suffer. Perhaps it is better not to be treated at all, if all of us are fated to die? Why some smoke
- and drink and live till hundred years, and others keep to “healthy“ diets and all the same are burned with cancer? whether
- people who are not susceptible to cancer at all Exist? It is immunity? How to strengthen it? What
- cancer the most terrible what it is necessary to be afraid of first of all? whether
- professional crayfish Exist? Where it is impossible to work? whether to
- It is obligatory for the patient to report his diagnosis? Perhaps it, finally, will also kill him? When it is better to keep silent? whether
- cancer from thoughts of cancer Can develop? From talk about it is mute, from internal tension about it?
- How to save itself from cancer? Whether exists what that special food, diet?
- Ya I know many stories when people changed a way of life, and cancer at them passed by itself. Perhaps physicians just take us for a ride? And there is no cancer?
- Can trust those who say that cancer is a damage which can be removed only by methods of nonconventional medicine?
- When should begin to be afraid of cancer at what age? What to do to be prepared?
All these questions, certainly, turned in the head of Marina Pak. It seemed to it that the reason of cancer should be looked for where that in depth, in what that break of her former life. But the first lines of the diary cover absolutely recent events., It seems, in them is which - what answers. But whether they are exact?
May, 2010 From Marina Pak`s diary in a white dressing gown. I was so tired, there are no forces just. There is not enough time neither for a family, nor for itself. I live work, life of patients. Recently advised the girl with an oncological disease. The family rushed about in confusion. I tried to support, even went together with the patient and her mother to special shop to help to buy a wig... On the way talked. What did I tell it? Usual professional words:“ Everything will be good, keep“. I cannot tell that to it then it became strong easier. Now only I understand: what I was a silly woman, same does not work at all. It is necessary as that differently. But how?
Work, work, meetings, patients, life takes place
Should return, it is necessary to remember what was in my life to an illness. I can remember nothing concrete. I remember only that the last half a year wild weakness, during week-end one desire - not to get out of a bed and that nobody touched me. Mind I understand: such weakness - it is not really good. But I calm myself: these are just age changes, loadings... Decided to shape up: every morning I have a shower bath cold water, and still massage and yoga... Result any. After May holidays I decide to pass medical examination. The first analyses show: that that not so, it is necessary to be checked even more carefully. I think, in June holiday - it is necessary to go to hospital. On fast I am examined, and then I will jerk where - nibud, well, for example, at the sea.
From Marina Pak`s diary in a white dressing gown. I was so tired, there are no forces just. There is not enough time neither for a family, nor for itself. I live work, life of patients. Recently advised the girl with an oncological disease. The family rushed about in confusion. I tried to support, even went together with the patient and her mother to special shop to help to buy a wig... On the way talked. What did I tell it? Usual professional words:“ Everything will be good, keep“. I cannot tell that to it then it became strong easier. Now only I understand: what I was a silly woman, same does not work at all. It is necessary as that differently. But how?
Marina will not go
To the sea neither this year, nor in the following. June inspection will yield bad result. Unacceptably high protein in urine, as a result - suspicion on an illness of kidneys and need to go urgently to hospital. Sounds threateningly. But Marina does not understand yet as far as everything is serious actually.
From Marina Pak`s diary
Office of nephrology of one of the Moscow hospitals
Exactly here I for the first time reflected: and suddenly indeed that that serious. No, only not it, I cannot be ill. I want to tell about it to someone, to explain how there is a lot of at me plans as the illness does not keep within these plans. But to speak there is nobody. And still it seems to me as soon as I say it aloud, the illness will become reality. For now it can remove, be not to noticed, driven away. But hospital life is a vicious circle. And I come back to the same thoughts all the time. In them so far only fear and any reality. Analyses, inspections, doctors work with
carelessly. And it terribly enrages. Because at myself at work I send the employees, I force to run, hurry, to be in time... But there, at myself, I am the chief physician, the chief. And here who? Simple patient deprived of civil rights. I am not told anything concrete: inspection lasts and lasts. Also it seems, will infinitely last.
So Marina Pak, the doctor with a thirty-year experience, for the first time seriously appears on other side of white dressing gowns. And seen and postponed on this party shakes it, perhaps not less than an illness: besides elementary and clear fear of death there is still a fear of lawlessness, helplessness, fear to be not heard, not examined, unaccepted, forgotten in infinite turn of suffering patients. I tell Marinin a story to professor Rashida Orlova managing chemotherapeutic office of Sankt - the St. Petersburg city clinical oncological clinic. And Rashida Vakhidovna dejectedly swings the head:
- I consider it nearly as the biggest problem of domestic medicine. We sometimes forget that the patient has the right, and we, doctors, are obliged: to inform, treat, help, to calm, grant the right for the choice. And more often we proceed from what? From the fact that we are doctors clever, educated, we have patients, there is a lot of them, and we have the right, and they are obliged to accept an opportunity to be cured, our concept of treatment with gratitude. To accept implicitly and silently. At least it is humiliating. And it puts the person in position of the applicant of favor medical. And still it is violation of a Hippocratic Oath...
on the Twenty second of June, 2010 Marina Pak receives results of a biopsy of a kidney. In comments - suspicion on oncology. But again anything concrete. Doctors have no time. Patients - countless multitudes. Someone from doctors on the run throws:“ What happens to you is similar to a miyelomny illness, but the diagnosis should be confirmed at least with a X-ray, we will channelize“. Also runs away further, to other patients. One day, three days, week. Marina waits, but to wait for forces is not present more: on the one hand, feels that it also, not worse, and with another - full uncertainty. Through familiar doctors Marina registers in a X-ray in Institute of hematology. And, without having waited for anything concrete from the doctors, runs from hospital. The X-ray has to explain everything.
From Marina Pak`s diary
on July 2, 2010, at birthday of my younger daughter Yulya, I know the result of the X-ray. In a picture damages of bones are clearly visible. I am sick. On my bones of a hole. I come back to hospital, I say to them that I know the diagnosis. That it is necessary to do something. The young hematologist comes. I show pictures, I ask about consultation. Consultation lasts 5 minutes. The doctor asks how many to me years. Answer: 52. He is silent and suddenly says: “And, well, maybe, also you will be in time on transplantation“. My earth leaves from - under legs. me as though covered
this minute with a huge black vessel. And in the head ringed only CANCER, CANCER, CANCER. I will die. And I did not live properly. I so much was not in time. But in his eyes I saw that he talks to the person who already the lived, for whom life ended...
From the book “Win Against Cancer“