Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law: what disturbs the relations and threatens marriage?
Quite often happen so that, having married, the man appears between two fires - between the wife and mother. About what two women cannot divide and as to them to learn to agree, the psychologist Evgenia Zotkina tells.
- Why in one family the daughter-in-law with the mother-in-law has relations, and in another - no?
- Often the man unconsciously chooses the spouse similar to mother and if mother of people attentive, kind, friendly and hospitable, then, generally, the wife is close to this image. And two easy, pleasant persons will be able to find a common language. And here if the mother-in-law it is prepotent if she demands that not just reckoned with her opinion, but followed it strictly - of course, with such mother-in-law the conflict is inevitable.
A it is representable now that the son takes the daughter-in-law whom he, in turn, chose on an image of mother to this mother-in-law. Certainly, these two women will specularly not reflect each other, they can have a different level of education, education. And nevertheless everyone costs on the position, everyone considers that only it is right, everyone has a mass of claims to another. And the poor man rushes about between them.
the Main reason for the conflict of the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is the desire of one person that another met subjective expectations of it. It in general the biggest delusion which arises in human relations. For example, the mother-in-law has an image of the ideal daughter-in-law, the daughter-in-law has an image of the ideal mother-in-law. And this discrepancy to an ideal image causes both irritation, and resistance, and unwillingness to communicate in the person.
needs to be remembered always that each person has a set of the most uninteresting, not nice, improbable qualities. And here if the daughter-in-law, entering the relations, understands it and recognizes the right of the mother-in-law to be oneself and not to meet her expectations, then, as a rule, she is not disappointed in the relations with the mother-in-law even if the mother-in-law of people difficult. And if the mother-in-law understands that the daughter-in-law should not meet her expectations and will remove claims in its address, everything will be simpler and quieter. It is optional to love the mother-in-law or the daughter-in-law, but it is important not to have at least internal offenses and annoyance which are a hindrance for peaceful life in a family.
- If the relations do not develop and there is a conflict what is felt at the same time by the man?
- Everything depends on the man`s attitude towards mother. One take a possibility of emergence of a certain conflict situation very painfully. On the contrary, it is pleasant to others as they cannot openly state the claims to mother - because of children`s fears, unwillingness to communicate, spoil to themselves mood. And now by means of the wife who is in the conflict with the mother-in-law clear away the emotional blockages, show that discontent which directly mothers would never dare to express. Moreover, happens that if the daughter-in-law tries to improve the kind relations with the mother-in-law, the spouse it begins to anger. The daughter-in-law tries to reconcile somehow them to minimize materinsko - the filial conflict, and the spouse, on the contrary, provokes it.When the man is very attached by
to mother, he suffers from this conflict. It has an internal desire to be a good son, he does not want to upset mother, but also cannot follow her desires as the reality changed. And to express an adult position - to explain to mother that he loves it though it has a difficult character and at the spouse - too difficult, but he believes that everything is formed over time - usually very hard. Unfortunately, many people (not only men), as a rule, do not ripen to an adult position, it is simpler to them to live in the conflict.the Mother-in-law is not always ready to understand
too that the son already grew up that it separated that it has the family and it is good that life at it was adjusted. On this background the mother-in-law begins to be ill (not specially, all this occurs unconsciously) because everything that occurs in the son`s life, does not meet its expectations: and a family at it not such, and the wife bad.
- whether the mother-in-law Can influence disintegration of a family and, on the contrary, its unity?
- it is unconditional, it depends on the person and on his internal motivation. For example, suddenly it seemed to the prepotent woman who got used that all in a family obey her that the daughter-in-law does not correspond to her son. Let`s assume, the choice of the son did not meet its expectations. The mother-in-law cannot reconcile to this situation, its internal motive begins to operate it, unconsciously she begins to loosen the relations of the son and the daughter-in-law - does some remarks, reproaches, states to the daughter-in-law in eyes the discontent.
Are mothers-in-law who, maybe, and not really like the daughter-in-law, but they consider that a family above all. Such mothers-in-law undertake a lot of things for preservation of a family. Even the fact that they take children for the weekend and give the chance to the son and the daughter-in-law to stay together, says about what is important for them that to the son and the daughter-in-law it was good. When there are conflicts, they also will support by the word: a pier, everything happens, it is necessary to suffer, everything will be processed.
However happens and so that no most spiteful mother-in-law will destroy a strong family - and vice versa, the most remarkable mother-in-law will not be able to keep a family if it breaks up.
- If with the mother-in-law good relations developed whether it is necessary to hold all the same a distance, realizing that the mother-in-law is not mother? Whether it is possible to discuss with it the husband, how with the girlfriend?
- Sometimes the relations with the mother-in-law develop more warmly and more confidentially, than with own mother. And the mother-in-law can you better understand and support, than the closest girlfriend. But here it is important to understand that as if she treated the daughter-in-law kindly, the son is a son. Even if you will show discontent to her son, it is necessary to spare its maternal feelings. Happens and so that after disintegration of a family the daughter-in-law maintain cordial relations with the mother-in-law and help each other.
- If initially the relations with the mother-in-law did not develop whether it is worth trying to adjust them whether they can be adjusted over the years?
- Of course, can. If the daughter-in-law has a healthy, adult position in relation to the mother-in-law if she accurately realizes that her mother-in-law - not her girlfriend, not her mother if she is not deceived in the expectations in relation to the mother-in-law, and the behavior of the mother-in-law does not touch her emotions, over time such humane position leads to the fact that the mother-in-law changes the negative attitude for positive. Children grow, the family does not break up, the mother-in-law sees that the son is happy in marriage, and over the years becomes attached to the daughter-in-law. Often these relations develop into absolutely healthy.