Crisis of middle age: when everything is, but ``all not that``
the BeginningToday we continue by
the begun conversation on crisis of middle age in life of our men. To understand the reasons and to cope with consequences the psychologist Elena Novoselova helps.
Here the letter of the person who does not panic, and realizes that it was covered by crisis.
Igor, 37:“Now I in full felt by
on myself “crisis of middle age“. So it developed that all life I overcame the rigid resistance of circumstances. The father died when I was not ten years old. Mother was an engineer with a scanty salary therefore “it was extremely difficult to deliver me on legs“ to her. I since the childhood earned additionally. Studied at school the first change, then went for building. Did homework in the evening. On vacation of time for work remained more.by
In a word, with the childhood at me somehow it was not set. Even did not learn to ride a bicycle - never it at me was and was once. Then - Suvorov Military School. Then the highest military. Not that I very much loved army. Options were not - the institute is too expensive. Demobilization. And for many years persistent work. I managed everything. I have a strong family. Two children. I worked, the wife raised children. When children grew up, we opened business for the spouse - she directs the surgical center. It is not too profitable, but it is very interesting to it. I made very decent career, in parallel realizing several personal projects. That is work for the sake of a livelihood earning just lost the meaning - to a family not to eat so much. Personal realization motivates a little too - I achieved significant achievements in various fields of activity. Political career is vile in view of hatefulness of present policy. Those charitable projects in which it happened to participate left very sticky feeling at heart. It would seem, it is a high time to go to downshifting. But supervision over the companions who left and searches of, leads to keen desire to avoid it. Here I would also like to learn as far as my crisis is deep? Perhaps it is simple to suffer? Or to bring the third child?“Answering with
to Igor, I speak to all men who endure crisis of the middle of a way: now it is necessary to begin to do what you never did, but what dreamed of, perhaps, in the childhood. Let it look silly, absurdly and out of time. It doesn`t matter! The main thing - to be fond. Then new thoughts, will return energy and desire to live. Sing, dance, draw, start samoletik and ships, go in for philosophy, go there where never reached. Do anything, but do not destroy.
Remember that crisis is a stage of growth, but not the end of life. It needs to be passed that again (holy Christ, again!) to find itself and to find new meanings of own life.
- Remember that during such period of life destruction of a family and creation of new does not rescue from the crisis but only it aggravates it. It is dangerous to make the vital decisions of the being able “the changed consciousness“. If your marriage really became obsolete, leave a family when crisis ends. When again the purposes and meanings appear. You recognize them at once. by
- Make everything depending on you that your wife did not learn about the mistress. Do not burn bridges! to
- Flight in alcohol, gamblings or hellbenders does not help!
- Learn to appreciate the simplest things: began to smell coffee, tasty food, a house cosiness, the nature... One clever person told:“ Who did not learn to appreciate a breakfast, will never become happy“. Return to bases.
of 50 years - and the soul - that remained young...
Here, apparently, and everything calmed down. The offenses and wounds put during military operations dragged on. Passions settled. And the man with relief sighs: “Thank God, there was enough mind to keep a family! And were above an abyss. What wife, wise at me, everything understood and forgave all!“ But wait to exhale. It is necessary to take one more boundary: fifty-year-old. Well, again everything will repeat? On Coca - start a bast anew?
Not absolutely so, with options. But too it is difficult.
When to the man fifty, he already, as a rule, reconciled with age. He is frightened less that in a mirror in the mornings he sees mister of solid age, with deserved wrinkles, with a noble gray hair (and what it still to be) and with a young smile. Everything is normal! At the same time there are enough forces to ski, to work productively and even to nurse grandsons... One disturbs: terribly not that the body grows old, and the fact that the soul at the same time remains young. And the young soul cannot pass by pretty women of years so 25 - 30 in any way.
Here this is not about love or Martian passions. Other history begins.the Man already almost everything knows
about this life. And if besides he lived its most part interestingly and saturated, then to him is what to share. And with whom to share how not with young, inexperienced beauties, owners of silk skin and harmonous legs? And as they are able to be surprised to dizziness, to be surprised and admire! And there is a wish to tell - to idiocy, - but I will keep silent. And the man, a tired lion, is ready to absorb their pleasure and to feel like the pioneer of wonders of the world for lovely silly fellows. It what, went crazy again?Is not present
, this time it became too sentimental. The truth that on reaching the man of fifty or sixty years the level of testosterone decreases the person becomes less aggressive, he wants to nurse, care, sponsor. Not grandsons - for this purpose still a little early, - and young nymphs. The man knows nothing about opposite testosterone, he just wants pleasure. So will be enough about hormones, it`s time to go!
A of history happen such:
At Nikolay the adult children who are living life. There is a little grandson, but the grandmother is engaged in him. Ah yes, Nikolay`s wife. He is man of means and taken place. Went round almost whole world by the nature of activity. It has a lot of stories, impressions, supervision and conclusions.“The grandson is too small
to be a grateful listener. With the wife each remembered impression should be begun with words: “And you remember...“ and it oppresses. And she does not remember anything, her - about Paris, and she - about Vanechka, the grandson! And recently, absolutely incidentally, in a supermarket, helped the young girl to deal with purchases. Lonely lovely, not really successful and some shchemyashche. Got to talking. Parents in other city, came to study, did not arrive. Now works for pennies and rents the room in a communal flat. Directly heart jammed... Brought to the house, asked on life. There was a wish to help. And twirled. I still oho - go! Here I think to show it the ocean, Northern Europe. I represent what it will have eyes how many will be happiness! She in life saw nothing. However, sometimes can be difficult to it, I feel as the person from other century. But it infrequently. But it is happy! I feel necessary, necessary. It is healthy!“
In crisis of fifty years the man seldom leaves the wife to the mistress. He perfectly understands that the young woman to it not couple. It is very difficult to be near the person of other mentality day and night. Not knowing by heart Tsvetaeva and Mandelstam`s verses, but pronouncing a half of words on an unclear slang. To speak there is almost nothing, common interests aspire to zero. But it is all the same pleasant!From the psychological point of view the man compensates to
a lack of the importance, seeks to be appreciated. Moreover, it satisfies the sentimental requirement to become for someone the “kind angel“ granting the most improbable desires. With the very young inexperienced nymph it is simpler and more pleasant.the Man it seems to
that the wife already almost does not notice it, carried away by a role of the grandmother. It`s not true! It, more than ever, needs attention of the husband. It needs compliments and admiration. In youth of women love because they are beautiful. At mature age the woman is beautiful because she is loved. Such simple logic!to
It happens and in a different way.
U me on reception Alexey fifty three years.
Alexey this year had anniversary - thirty years of joint life. The family was amicable and on spirit very young. Grew up with the wife of the beautiful son. The son married, he has three children. Alexey not just loves, almost idolizes the work. One trouble - a young family went to live abroad. The son studied much, made good career, and he was invited to work to Europe. When the son with the daughter-in-law and kids collected suitcases, there passed necessary formalities, Alexey rejoiced and proud. But here the door was closed behind them... Also began!
On it the feeling of an empty nest, senselessness and fatigue pulled hard. They with the wife had nothing to do together. To speak there is nothing, there are no emotions, there are no general cares. Somewhere ran, ran... and now came it is time to stop. Looked back, and suddenly it seemed that it is never warm - that and was not, mutual understandings too. Cold in soul, cold in the house... Though in a loop climb! How to live further if nothing is uninteresting, and unclear why to move?
Here such history. There is a wish to say with a grown wise look and all-knowing intonation: “Will pass also it!“ Only banalities rescue nobody. Listening to Alexey`s story, I remembered curious Indian tradition, wild for our culture. The man passes several stages of life in India: the childhood period, the training period, the period of “domokhozyaystvovaniye“ - and so till sixty years. And then the tradition grants it the right to leave the house in search of wisdom and soul. The family belongs to it with understanding and respect.it is impossible for
In our culture, nobody will understand. But people “leave“ pretty often. Obviously, they have a pressing need to answer itself some very important questions, to understand something main. Someone retires “into oneself“, that is formally is present, but does not penetrate into life of relatives; someone goes to live to the country, referring to clean air and proximity of the nature; someone is completely given to the hobby; and someone runs in alcohol. >
at the age of fifty - sixty years to the man it is important to p to grope the soil under legs, not to lose itself. Life goes on, and it is good not to feel out of its current.
Man`s crises take place
more painfully and heavier, than female as man`s self-identification demands continuous correction.
Crisis is an opportunity to rethink the next vital stage and to find meanings of the following. Crisis it is necessary to bless and thank, otherwise advance will stop.during crisis of middle age the main thing - not to panic, not to fuss and understand
that internal problems cannot be solved external means.
Should not accept serious vital decisions before the end of the period of crisis.
Crises of self-identification is an earthquake which is better for worrying with the minimum losses.
Crisis is a new birth.
From the book “An alpha - a male? Yes!“