Crisis of middle age at men: how to keep marriage of
Man`s life - “tears invisible to the world“. Painful crises of self-identification flow one in another throughout all life. Searches of sense at each stage of life plunge the man into a condition of confusion and aggression. How to help the man? The famous psychologist and the radio host Elena Novoselova argues.
of People can laugh at notorious “crisis of middle age“, consider it as destiny of weaklings and losers or the invention of psychologists - yes you never know than still... But exactly till that time until itself wakes up angry, with weight in a breast and unclear melancholy one morning. Also several months will not be washed out with this feeling, so far, at last, will not think that “covered“ it and with it it is necessary to do something. It at best. More often the situation develops much more sadly: troubles in a family, complexity at work, flight in alcohol or search of the new love relations as panaceas from troubles...
Unfortunately or fortunately, the person for the life passes several turning points, enduring them it is painful and heavy. Problems arise unexpectedly - unexpectedly, out of the blue. Yesterday still the person was full of plans, prospects, knew why he lives and works. And today everything was made senseless. It is unclear, why to give all the best at work, it is boring to spend to a soreness of the mouth days off with a family, there is a wish to bury in a hole and to see nobody. And all this is out of the blue, without the visible reasons. This state is also called personal crisis.
of People it is arranged so that his personality grows through a sinusoid of crisis states, but it is not smooth also on accruing up. Crises are similar to the birth of themselves, and to be born always painfully and risky. It seems to me that we live not one, and several lives. In each of them the same personality, with the emotional, behavioural and logical structure acts, certainly. But filling, views and feelings, arrangement of values change in process of development, that is change of “lives“, very significantly. And it, in turn, changes perception the person of reality and itself in it. So, also the way of life changes. It is connected, in my opinion, not with age changes, and with how the person endured the crises what he “was born anew“. Did not cope and despaired - there will be one result. Safely passed test, built in itself new values, fell in love with them - means pomudret, matured, fell in love with life and began to appreciate it more. Began to treat much more indulgently including to.can be connected by
In psychology personal crises with hormonal changes, with sexual life, with the decreasing man`s potentiality and a female menopause. In it, certainly, there are reasons. But and considerable for the person searches of sense of existence are not less important. And not in the high philosophical value forcing to look for answers to “damned questions“, and in daily saturation of the day these meanings. Senselessness of accommodation of life leads to a depression day after day, deprives of pleasure and pleasures.
Personal crises come not only with age. There is an achievement crisis which can be shown both together with crisis of the thirtieth anniversary, and in “fatal the fortieth“. And also the crisis of an empty nest characteristic of experiences in fifty. I would not begin to distribute crises either on age, or on a situation. In my opinion, crisis can happen both to burdening, and without it. All the same to the person it is painful. All the same thrashes him!I tell
Ya “person“ and “it“ with an ulterior motive and not because did not meet similar experiences at women. Of course, they happen. But not with such regularity and tragedy, as at men. Until men did not begin to speak about it, I long time considered that the periods of development of the personality in men and women pass on the same sinusoid. Did not guess that where the woman has “hole“, the man has “abyss“. And it has reasons.
the Historical background
About identification crisis, crisis of middle age, began to be told apropos and without cause relatively recently. Years twenty - thirty back nobody heard about it. It does not mean that before people did not worry, did not look for themselves, did not feel inexplicable melancholy and disappointment. Of course, all this was. All remember the movie “Flights Waking Or Sleeping“ in which Oleg Yankovsky`s hero toiled between love and a debt, desire of the importance of own life and nonsense of existence. The stylistics and the atmosphere of a remarkable tape of Roman Balayan breathes crisis of the main character. To say about what crisis states - a sign only of our time, - is incorrect and thoughtless. I think that man`s crises are aggravated with a set of factors presently: loss of the leading position in society, rigid criteria of success, loss of priorities.Crisis of middle age at men - when the mistress differs in nothing in
is considered to be that myths about heroes of times of origin of our civilization reflected representations ancient about agricultural cycles and astronomical supervision. In my opinion, there is in them and one more hidden sense: development of the personality, achievement of new, earlier unknown limits.
Heroes of ancient myths, whether it be Osiris, Balu, Adonis, Attis or Dionysus, enter the conflict which is caused by infringement of their wellbeing. The opponent belongs, as a rule, to the supernatural world. The hero dies, that is leaves the ordinary world, fights against otherworldly forces, wins against them or seizes the object necessary for it for restoration of the wellbeing. The death of the Hero is followed by dying down of the nature, depression and futility, grief and alarm. Return and revival of the Hero is a revival of life, a celebration of a victory over a gloom. In myths this event is accompanied by spring coming alive of the nature, novelty and promises of wellbeing. Revival of the life. About same narrates also the evangelical story about death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. whether
are stories of mythological heroes - the bright allegorical description of a condition of the man during crisis? Perhaps, ancient knew about this recurrence and informed us of idea of development of the person in a poetic form?Telling
about personal crisis, we more mean the man, and it is much less - the woman. Not only that man`s personal crisis takes place more brightly and heavier, so it is still almost intolerable for people around as it often has destructive character. The man`s hopelessness and apathy which arose without any visible reasons frightens women, they begin to conjecture nonexistent: “Changes, stopped loving...“ - and further in the text. Paranoid shadowing, nervous talk, suspicions begins. Well - the end of quiet family life!Such states the man tests
several times during life.
Except for the teenage period proceeding at boys and girls it is approximately identical, man`s “pleasures“ begin by thirty years.
the Intersection of the thirtieth anniversary
Man`s crisis of thirty years is similar
to two-faced Janus.One his “head“ watches
in the past, estimating made and reached. And as a rule, there, in the past, almost everything not as it is necessary. There is very exact joke: “If in the childhood you had no bicycle, and now there is a jeep - you all the same in the childhood had no bicycle“.
and with horror asks:“ And all this? Now only repetition? Any sharp experiences? Life ended also all the most interesting behind?“ The soul of the man protests and demands changes. Thoughts rush about from change of a family before moving to other country. Most often the man decides to change a job or a kind of activity. He can sharply want to get a new education, to go to business from well paid position. It can turn rather abruptly, sometimes without paying attention to reasonable arguments of the wife and friends. Or he can unexpectedly be fond competitive or extreme sports. At this age still nothing not late, all roads are still open...
the Man at this age is had so a longing for deeds and search of strong emotions by the same notorious fallichesky aspect of his life. The man needs bright victories. And fast and with honors. He is eager to embody own nurseries and youthful dreams of heroics, bright life, independence and adventures. Perhaps, still it is possible to catch up with the childhood? Well, unless only the astronaut it will already hardly become! And there, who knows...
Crisis of the thirtieth anniversary, naturally, does not come to birthday, exactly on hours. It can occur in the range from 28 to 34 years. Also proceeds differently, depending on with what baggage of people reached the first top.
As it is paradoxical, but the baggage is richer, the stronger covers the man. If by thirty years he is also densely married long ago, has children, permanent job with the stable income, then the feeling of a hopelessness and melancholy happens especially sharp as achievement crisis is added to crisis of revaluation. The person studied, worked, twisted a nest... It seemed to it: here still slightly (slightly, it will also be possible to relax. He thought:“ Here I will buy the apartment, and we will heal... Here I will become the head, and it will be possible to live more quietly... Here children will grow up a little bit, it will become easier“. The apartment is bought, the position is won, children grew up and what`s next? Continuous deja vu? Now everything will go according to in advance planned scenario: winter rest, summer holiday, and between them work around. And any surprises! And any dream! Any bright emotions! It was necessary only to live... Insufferably.
A that behind? Yes too all on “troyechka“, as with bicycle: continuous regrets and imaginations: “And here if I then...“ But it only sufferings on unfulfilled. And in the head knocks: “Never, never, never...“ Life is made senseless. If dreams of bright emotions, a happy joyful family, big victories - only illusion, and life are cares, responsibility and a debt, then for the sake of what then to live? For the sake of the gray everyday life repeating as a bad dream?.
In these hard times the stereotype acquired in youth often works. The new love will bring flight and desire to move forward. Fresh feelings to the woman as water of life, will wash soul, will return pleasure. So, and life will find sense and fullness again.
Such train of thought leads the man to the most sad consequences. Crisis - an event deeply personal, personal, a little depending on other people. It happens at the man not because his wife was a witch, and work turned back routine. But because time to it came to rethink itself, the purposes and values. If the person does not solve them in the settled family life, then will transfer untouched problems to the new relations. And in a year - another everything will repeat at first, but will pass even heavier - the person will feel exinanition. >
So it is senseless to p to solve the internal conflicts, changing external factors.
the Most effective and safe way to pass this period - grow professionally and to study. To concentrate on the and only the personal tasks, to grope the new purposes, to go beyond pessimistic “never“. Be not afraid to be egoists. It is the short period of concentration only on itself. It will end, but all will remain are whole.
the First crisis can take place
more or less smoothly and push the person to development. As shows experience, crisis takes place easier if:
- the Man married after twenty five years, having avoided early marriage.
- the man has a prospect of career development, and the maximum is not reached yet.
- It did not stop developing, wants to change further, and its ambitions are rather high.
- He will risk to introduce in the life something new, special, but not destroying a family. He realizes
- that the new wife or the mistress will not rescue it from personal crisis.
the Melancholy can overcome the person and under these favorable conditions. But he will create the future, but not to destroy the present. Safe recovery from the crisis is characterized by feeling of confidence, the new clear purposes, responsibility for itself and a family.
the Opening prospects return to the person passion and pleasure of life. Crisis of identity is complete! Crisis of thirty years is not so characteristic of the woman - she actively resolves at this time the problems. Its revaluations are connected with absolutely other achievements. Despite equal training and education, boys and girls almost always adjust on different life. For the girl both was, and it is necessary to one of the main vital tasks - to establish a family and to give birth to children. Even if the woman does an outstanding career and for the time being postpones this process. If the woman by thirty years executed the program a minimum, that is was approved professionally, it has a good husband and there is a child, then crisis passes it. It has no question “And What`s Next?“. The road is more or less clear. The female nature stays in harmony with a social role.
From the book “An alpha - a male? Yes!“