Rus Articles Journal

Work or children: how to make the correct decision?

in my practice of the psychologist are a lot of Recently cases when it is difficult for mother to make a choice - to devote himself to children or to continue to work, do career. How to make the right decision in a case when both the family is important, and the interests do not want to be forgotten? At first I will give history of one mother, and then - the comment.

Ya from those mothers to whom work and own hobbies are more interesting, than occupations with children. I have two children - the son is 9 years old, the daughter 6. From the second decree about daughter`s five years gradually worked at home (I am a translator), but in the end understood that I begin to fly into a rage. As a result with the husband exchanged: now I work, and it with children. Of course, he does not “stay at home“ since children have a busy schedule of occupations on which they should be carried, we live in the village, and school and other occupations - in the city. Plus subsidiary farm - goats and sheep, the husband was fond of it and actively is engaged. Generally, I would not cope with such volume of work.

A now I with pleasure go also to work, and home. Of course, children miss me a little, but on my feelings it is better so, than with them to be constant, at the same time feeling the implementation failure and periodically venting upon them the spleen.

my mother of other opinion and constantly me criticizes

for the fact that I “threw“ children. And I, remembering the childhood, I think that I very much would like that mother then (and now, of course) allowed herself to have own interests outside a family.

So, on one bowl of scales at us - work and other adult interests in life (can be, also the material bonus is applied to interest). And on another - the child or children (who are already bred is also more senior than year 3 - 4). And you do not know what to you to choose. Work - with the applied sense of guilt for the fact that “threw“ children. Or children - with the applied feeling of irritation and rage for the fact that from - for them you have no work or hobbies.

If you choose by

work, then sense of guilt is a payment that you chose yourself, refused to the public (mother) following to stereotypes. And, in principle, normal sense of guilt will help you to be engaged with redoubled zeal in the house and children when you not at work, so to speak, to make up for lost time and to be though a little “good“ in the opinion of the public (mother).

If you choose by

children, then the child is considered by you (you can even not realize it) as an obstacle, a barrier in a way to something very tempting. And what feelings are usually caused by an obstacle? Rage, irritation. But “good“ mother (and for you it is important to be “good“ mother, time you offered yourself for the sake of the child) will not dare to have such feelings to own child and will carefully hide them. I.e. will be such tensely loving mother. Also will merge the tension to the child from time to time. The kid (or any more not the kid) will take care that mother had enough reasons for “sewerage“ of the feelings. It will be aggressive or excessively whining, badly will behave or destroy everything around. In a word, to do everything possible that his mother did not burst for rage.

Besides, such mother will take care that the child estimated to what “victims“ it went for the sake of it, and will hand to the child also sense of guilt. And here such interesting piece turns out. It is called a vicious circle. To the child who grew up with sense of guilt will difficult make steps which can strengthen this fault in life (for example, to choose favourite work). He will “endow“ himself, telling to the children that received once from mother. Sense of guilt for the existence in this world.

the Choice for you!

I one more - about attempt to meet approval of mother. Leave it. Nothing from this will leave. We are adults when we make adult acts, we make the difficult choice, we take for it the responsibility. And when we want that mother approved us, - we are children. And at once together (to the adult and the child) to us not to be located. It is necessary or remain “small“ and to get approval of mother. Or “to mature“, but at the same time not to count that parents will approve us. If you want, ability to maintain disapproval of parents - an indicator of our maturity, degrees of our separation from parents. We now to adults. We approve ourselves, we abuse ourselves. It is good if we approve more often.

of Yuli Minakov