Problems in a family. Whether to live together for the sake of the child? What are grandmothers dangerous by?
the Beginningthe specialist, most famous in the country, in education of children professor Yulia Borisovna Gippenreyter answer Today with
painful parental questions: what to do if adults in a family do not get on? And if grandmothers interfere with the relations? How to protect the child from all these problems? We chose 4 councils.
the Daughter does not want to meet the father
of Yuli (the daughter is 4 years old):“My daughter Masha cool meets by
the father. We divorced. It regularly comes to the daughter, drives her for children`s holidays, in theaters, but she would prefer to stay at home, with the grandfather and the grandmother“.
you say that Cars the father with pleasure meets the girl, but the girl not really wants to communicate with it. Partially you answer a question why so occurs: the father was replaced, most likely, by the grandfather. The grandfather and the grandmother spend with your daughter much time, and it is possible, they forced out the father from an overall picture of a family and from the world of the girl. The father becomes for it a stranger.
Ya I think, there can be also other “reefs“. First of all, it is your relations with the ex-husband during divorce and now. You do not write by what experiences divorce was followed. It is possible that you tried to hide a lot of things from the child. However children are very sensitive. They pick up any negative shade in talk of parents and begin to worry silently. Very much can be that Masha, directly or indirectly, knew in some way and knows about your negative feelings to the father. Though it only assumption.
One more possible reason - not just the relations with the grandfather, and the relations of the grandfather and probably the grandmother to your husband. Their rejection of the former son-in-law can influence the girl.
At last, character of the father can be the cause. Perhaps, he communicates with the girl not emotionally more, and, so to speak, intellectually, words and talk. And with the girl in two - four years it is necessary to play, potter, have many the general words, favourite games and occupations for which she would wait and which would have continuation. The father walks with Masha, but, most likely, does not spend house time with her. And different “actions“ are not so important for the girl, they affect her emotional world less. And the father cannot be built in in any way him as the child lives in the house basic, but not on actions.by
What grandmothers are dangerous?
of Martin (the son is 4 years old): whetherby
“Double education is dangerous to the child - the grandmother tells one, and mother and the father - another. The grandmother - the authority, she resolves everything. And we, parents, even do not dare to do the remark, the child very vulnerable“.Double education does not suit
. You, of course, will tell: we cannot bring up without grandmother, we work, without her - in any way. But I would like to inform you as much as possible definitely: contradictions between adults in education methods very harmful affect the child. Harm is done, at least, on two lines.
In - the first, the child loses reference points. He cannot live in a situation of double standards or double requirements! He feels unstably and uneasily in the unclear, confused situation. For the small child the world has to be uniform, with the laws, requirements and order.
the Second harm - the authoritative grandmother belittles a role of parents. The child sees that parents do not possess the power or the authority. The kid has a full turmoil in the head - who main here? Therefore he begins to manipulate and adapt to one, to another. At it it is not developed own line of conduct, he only adapts - and it interferes with development in it necessary qualities of the personality. There is no stability in an environment - there is no stability and in mentality of the child.
Turns out that adults follow the tastes conveniences: the grandmother should not pay, let she will live at us. But as a result parents pay off with very expensive price. It is lack of a peace in the home, loss of the authority of parents, instability of mentality of the child.also one more well-known costs Are possible
: mothers-in-law (mother-in-law) very often destroy the relations between the husband and the wife. Seldom or never the grandmother is appeasable, silent, kind and wise, she does not butt in the relations of the husband and wife and the authority of parents supports:“ mother (father) will come and will solve“.
How “to bring up“ grandmothers?
Natalya (the son is 4 years old):
“My four-year-old son behaves roughly in relation to grandmothers - grandfathers. And I understand it. When the fifth time persistently suggest to eat something or unexpectedly tear out a carton of milk from hands (“give I to you I will pour“ }, or right after falling reproach: “Spoke to you - do not run!“ - it is difficult to be lovely and polite. I have a feeling that if I in such situations call to order, I as though will betray it. To Lish of an opportunity means available to it to be protected against an arbitrariness. On the other hand, my inaction is an encouragement of rough communication with grandmothers, encouragement of style of communication which I in relation to myself do not allow“.
the Situation when in a family there live several generations: children, parents, grandmothers - grandfathers, and between them are not present a consent, very difficult. All suffer, especially children. Mother fairly worries. It has several areas of work, one action here nothing will be changed. The first is to have a talk with grandmothers - grandfathers. Probably, mother already did it. If conversations do not help, to reduce their participation in education of the child. It is possible to ask to worry and hint directly less them at negative sides of “help“. Nevertheless there is not enough hope that they will change the behavior. If it is mother`s parents: they got used to dictate it the will, and will hardly obey her now.
More perspective direction - conversation with the child. Alone. I would construct this conversation of two parts. At first I would listen to his experiences. Here different phrases are possible:
- You become angry when to you do not allow most to pour milk.
- You worry when you are lectured.
- Probably, you have bases to become angry because prevent to do you that you want. In too time we with you see that your sharp refusals and shouts do not work. Not only that it is bad and rough, the grandmother and the grandfather from them do not improve. At all as a result of shouts nobody ever changes.
I you I will teach. For example, you want to pour milk. Approach the grandmother, look with her in eyes and tell by a soft voice:“ the grandmother, I very much want to cope with this package most now. Thank you that you it allow me“. Or, if you fell, and she will tell: “I spoke to you!“, you can tell: “Yes, the grandmother, you are right. I arrived in own way, and suffered. It will be to me a good lesson“.Should approach
the grandmother and to speak to it, looking in eyes when you begin to do so, you will see that it will become simpler to all to live!Let`s summarize
: at first it is necessary to recognize experiences of the child. And then to have a talk with it that experiences can be transferred doubly: it is possible shout, and it is possible quietly, in positive tone. And to add: “You can apply this way also to children on the street, both to the father, and to me too“.
Of course, it is important that parents followed rules of communication * then children begin to acquire them quickly. Parents are surprised to it. Two small examples:“ My daughter is six years old. Recently on my loud reprimand she told: “Mother, I do not love when shout at me“, - and know, it became ashamed for me: she learned is frictionless to express the emotions, and I am not!“.
“The seven-year-old son came from school home: “Mother, today I played and incidentally dropped a fir-tree. Toys did not break, but the teacher very much became angry about me. I think, she was just very tired in a day“. Having heard it, I thought how it is remarkable that my child learned to pay attention to a condition of another and therefore could transfer anger of the teacher easily!“ . whetherpreservation of visibility of a family Is possible
Ya I think that you should not go this way. Really you will not deceive children. They win more when parents behave honestly - report to children about that decision which was made (of course, in available language). From the unclear relations the head hurts children. It is important that around your life there was clean air.
From the book “to Parents. Book of questions and answers.
What to do that children wanted to study,
were able to be on friendly terms and grew independent“