Yulia Gippenreyter: ``I avoid direct councils: people seldom follow them``
We begin a cycle of publications from the famous psychologist Yulia Gippenreyter, the author of pedagogical best-sellers “To communicate with the child. How?“ and “We continue to communicate with the child. So?“. Today Yulia Borisovna answers the most frequent parental questions and shares examples from the practice.
Usually, having learned about similar difficulty, parents feel some sense of relief: “it appears, we are not one such!“, “means, it is normal!“. And is valid, “quite normal“ that the child from some age and in some conditions shows obstinacy and willfulness, so-called laziness and unwillingness to study. Once the thicket remembers the remarkable statement: “the undesirable behavior of the child is normal reaction to abnormal living conditions!“ .Asking
questions, parents often want to receive concrete recommendations. Where it is possible, I share the opinion, but I avoid direct councils. As practice shows, people seldom follow advice. In - the first because do not know, “as all - so to do...“, but it is more because direct council:“ take so - that “or“ tell -“ just does not work.
We deal with the most difficult creation of the nature - mentality of the person, and all improvements in the child and in the relations with it happen result not of some one “successful“ action or the word, and process of change of a “habitual“ order in a family, style of the relations and living conditions which generated this problem.Therefore in the answers I choose by
several ways. In - the first, I share knowledge and opening in the field of psychology of communication and development of the child. In - the second, I suggest about the possible reasons of a problem or a difficult situation and I invite the parent to think together. In the third, I remind and I show other line of action of the parent - steps and ways which eventually (it is not necessary to hope that at once) will lead to the harmonious, confidential relations with the child. At last, with pleasure I give successful experience of other parents, knowing that such experience happens much more convincing, than opinions of many experts.
of Valentin (to the son 3 waiting, the daughter is 6 months old):
“I tried to prepare the son for the daughter`s birth, but he all the same is jealous, once even scratched the face to it. How to impart love of one child to another?“Let`s remember
jealousy of adults at first. This feeling is for certain familiar to all parents. And at the child it can be even stronger because does not restrain consciousness or understanding. >
it is the best of all for p to talk to it about what he feels. And at the same time not to condemn, not to criticize it, and at first to call this feeling, it very natural. Further - to pay to the senior child much attention. It is important to understand that it appeared in very difficult situation. The attention of his parents left, switched to small. Present that it as though slightly - is slightly sick and needs the strengthened care.Wise parents find
ways to avoid children`s jealousy. One young mother made so that the senior daughter and after the birth of the brother was “main“. The kid, as she told, “just dangled all the time an armpit“, and with the daughter she walked and played still, and still communicated with it as with the assistant. The girl liked to help mother, and soon she very much became attached to the brother.
Maria (sons are 5 years old and 1,5 years):
“What to do if the younger child gets all my attention? I keep thinking only of younger and I see how the senior suffers“.
Often happens that the senior child fades at mother into the background. And it is ashamed for it that all look like she has to younger more strong feelings. What it is possible to advise mother in this situation? To be honest with by itself and with the child. To it it is possible to talk about it:
- you Know, now it is difficult for me to give you as much time as earlier and as I very much would like. I miss for those times too. Small takes away my attention, and you, probably, feel it. But we still have affairs and occupations only ours with you. >
Fight for attention
Natalya (the daughter is 4 years old, the son is 5 years old):“My children cannot sometimes divide
mother. When I come back home, they want to break off me on part. Everyone, wishing to pay as much as possible my attention to himself, finds an occasion to cry, pokapriznichat. I understand what is covered behind such behavior, but for some reason with the father they express the emotions differently, and such situation does not arise“.
By the way, it would be worth looking narrowly: and what the father does it that there is with him all in a different way? Perhaps, mother very quickly and sharply reacts to whims and other ways to draw her attention?
It is possible, children lack individual attention. And then it is very good to leave with someone one child and to communicate to another, and then on the contrary.
At my familiar American was five children. When children grew to school age, for the period of a lunch came to school, for one child and devoted all the time of a lunch - two hours - only to it. So it napityvat the children individual attention.
Ekaterina (to daughters 3 and one and a half years):
“Sometimes happens so that both of them want to play the same toy. How here to be? Younger there is no wish to offend, but also with senior unfairly it will turn out if to convince her to concede“.
C small, of course, especially you will not talk. As she will not understand much, it is possible to talk to senior. For example, so:
- I know, you do not want to give it a toy, it is your toy, and it is unfair to take away from you it. Probably, she thinks too what is unfair that it is not given. Therefore let`s something think up. For example, it is possible to make so. Igrushechka
Can think up also other options of such conversation. The main thing - to try not to strike at “rights“ and sense of justice of senior, insisting that it has to concede because “big“.
Elena (the son is 2 years 4 months old):
“In the absence of the father we well communicate with the son, but when the father comes from work, he throws in me toys, shouts: “Mother, leave!“ And the husband of the word does not react to mine. With the husband at us good relations. How to us to be?“
, not very well in what occasion they happen, needs to react To rough tricks of children at once. In - the first to tell:
- You want to hit mother! It is impossible! It is not pleasant to me when children so do.can be added Then
- You something is not pleasant. Now it is difficult for you! Tell that it is difficult for you. (To listen).
It is good if the father tells: >
- Me it is not pleasant to p too when children so behave! - also it will a little be discharged of it.it will become obvious to
To the child that at such behavior of attention of the father he will not receive.
From the book “to Parents. Book of questions and answers.
What to do that children wanted to study,
were able to be on friendly terms and grew independent“